intopieces Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Okay, ive written on here a few times about a commitment phobic person that ive been dealing with. I thought I was over him, I really did. It was only a two month relationship and its only been over for a month and it's been torture. Not because he's not a nice person. In fact, he calls me every single day to check up on me and make sure that I'm okay...he also interjects about his date of the evening (I guess he's missing his sensitivity chip). He's aware that he has a deep fear of commitment, but he can't shake it and even asked me to help him (I guess so he can be with the next person in his life). I agreed to help him and we talk several times throughout the day about his issues and how his latest date just didn't work out (there's been four in less than a month that he claims he hurt deeply). My question is, how do I shake him? I mean, he really hurt me yet claims he still loves me and wants to be a good friend to me and I still love him and can't seem to be angry with him. I wish he was a jerk, but instead hes nice, funny, charming, charismatic, and handsome and just really nice to me. I can't walk away even though I know I should but he keeps me so close yet so far away. He even wants to fly up and help me move into my new apartment. How can I stop loving him and stop wanting him back? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 That's sad. Did you ever suggest to him that he get professional help to deal with his phobia? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Or maybe, have you considered you should go into therapy? Fact is, YOU cannot help this guy. He has deep-seated issues and you are not equipped to help him get over them. You hardly even know him! Ask yourself why you are so hell-bent on holding on to this relationship when it makes you feel bad. He's telling you about his dates!?! Are you ready for a relationship that can lead to commitment? Or do you keep going from one relationship to another with unavailable men? Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Well, I have suggest therapy to him and he claims hes going to get it, but he just hasnt yet. I feel like such a fool to because before and during the relationship, all he did was talk about how he used to be a bit of a player back in the day and would go out with people long enough to get what they want and then leave and never call them again...and he would comment on his dating past alot and it was pretty dismal...all while assuring me I was different. I could get over him so much easier if he would stop calling or if he acted like a jerk and wasn'tstill seeming to be caring and loving. Thats what makes it so difficult because when he first left me in such a cold and callous way, I just assumed everything up until that point was a lie until he reassured me that he was deeply in love with me and still loves and cares about me. It would just be so easy if he was more of a villainous person. And I do actually feel bad because if this commitment phobia stuff is real, I think it really hurts him to constantly be hurting people and being alone. And maybe I do need help for myself because this man has me so emotionally confused in a way that ive never been before. I guess because he came on strong like a freight train and I still can't shake that because one minute he claimed he couldnt be without me, and literally the next day....he just can't do it he said. And no, every relationship I have been in usually ended mutually and the men werent unattainable. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I could get over him so much easier if he would stop calling Maybe you should tell him this. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I hate to say it but you won't be able to forget him unless you stop remaining in contact with him. Nice guy or not, he hurt you! Nice guy or not, he's telling you about other dates and hurting you more! Why do you want to help him? Is this a way of remaining friends with him so that he will one day see the light? Do you want to continue to help him to have the strength to commit to marry someone who isn't you? Get him out of your life!!!!! You are worth so much more than that! You don't need him and your healing process won't begin until you focus on someone or something else. I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Chryssy, that actually could be the best thing for me to do. But it's hard though because when he calls and makes small talk, its almost like getting a fix I guess. He calls, talks, and the convrsations usually go great and then I'll miss him and I guess he can hear it in my voice because he immediately starts acting concerned about how I feel now that we're not together. Is this some kind of manipulation? He admits to commitment phobia, but from everything ive read, commitment phobic people tend to cut and run and never look back. He seems to have done the opposite and is almost overly concerned about me, even though he's still actively dating (and hurting) other people. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I completely know what you mean!! You think if you just have one more night with him, or can just ask him this one question or tell him a short story you'll feel better. It's hard not to do it...but then it's almost like an addiction because you don't feel right if you don't do it anymore. I think you just have to quit cold turkey. I was in a relationship for almost four years with someone who might be afraid of commitment or not in love with me....I don't even know. But I'll tell you this--never once when we broke up did he just start dating other people and telling me about it. I don't know how you can deal with this!!! Poor girl! His issues aren't your issues. You aren't his girlfriend, his mom, his therapist...There is a whole world out there (including some great guys who like being in relationships) for you if you decide to go get it. But you can't have all that and cling to him at the same time. The choice is certainly yours...But if you want the miserable feelings to stop, you have to quit talking with him all the time. Even if he's interesting and caring and entertaining and whatever else, you aren't in a position to be a friend to him right now. It's not teaching him how to be in a relationship to let him string you along, either! Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. But you don't want to be posting here a year from now, still talking about how he still doesn't get it. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 You're absolutely right! It's like, I do have all of these unresolved issues and what not that I'm dying to ask, but when I attempt to ask, he usually gives a vague yet caring answer. I can deal with everything surrounding the break-up except for the speed at which he started dating again. That is the only thing that still hurts me and when I tell him that he simply says that he has a problem and can't stop...end of story. But I really don't understand because by nature don't commitment phobics cut and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I completely know what you mean!! You think if you just have one more night with him, or can just ask him this one question or tell him a short story you'll feel better. It's hard not to do it...but then it's almost like an addiction because you don't feel right if you don't do it anymore. Even if he's interesting and caring and entertaining and whatever else, you aren't in a position to be a friend to him right now. It's not teaching him how to be in a relationship to let him string you along, either! Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. But you don't want to be posting here a year from now, still talking about how he still doesn't get it. Do you? I totally agree. This is the exact situation I have been in since March. In fact, Miss Intopieces, I could swear we are talking about the same guy! Here is the road you could be headed for (from personal experience). **You stay friends but eventually end up sleeping together again. Then you are dating again. ***Then he starts seeing other people. You can't handle it. You try to, but can't. ***He can't handle hurting you anymore so he goes back to being "just friends" with you. Start Cycle Over. ***One day during an important event (oh let's say Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day), he has to pick which girl to spend it with. One time it isn't you. You fight. You start hating him. You resent him for not being to you what you need and want. He resents you because he told you he can't handle being in an exclusive relationship right now and just wants to be best of friends. ***You start hating yourself for putting up with less than you deserve. *** You now have trust issues with men again and are afraid to get involved with anyone for a few months at least. HENCE: You have just wasted a year of your life you could have spent finding and being with someone mature and capable of being in an adult relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 3, 2007 Author Share Posted January 3, 2007 Wow Molly, that i eerie because I can see us going down that road. Well, is it possible to maintain a friendship and not go down that road? Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Wow Molly, that i eerie because I can see us going down that road. Well, is it possible to maintain a friendship and not go down that road? I have maintained two very solid friendships with ex-boyfriends, but with both of them I had to get to the point where I was disgusted by them, and couldn't imagine myself ever being attracted to them. One I didn't talk to for 6 months AND I managed to find someone I liked better during that time that put him to shame. The second guy - we had a big falling out and I did not speak to him for over 2 years because I was so angry. I have a feeling this might be what happens to my current X. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 From a guy's point of view it doesn't sound like he's a commitment-phobe. It sounds like he likes you enough to hang out and have sex with you but not enough to be in a relationship with you. You said yourself he admits to being a player back in the day. And good players know how to get what they want without coming across as complete jerks (otherwise they wouldn't be players). The "commitment phobia" just sounds like a convenient excuse that he knows you'll buy into. It has the added bonus of subtly deflecting the blame from him to being part of this abstract phobia, thus making it harder for you to hate him personally since your natural reaction then turns to being one of wanting to "help" him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 From a guy's point of view it doesn't sound like he's a commitment-phobe. It sounds like he likes you enough to hang out and have sex with you but not enough to be in a relationship with you. You said yourself he admits to being a player back in the day. And good players know how to get what they want without coming across as complete jerks (otherwise they wouldn't be players). The "commitment phobia" just sounds like a convenient excuse that he knows you'll buy into. It has the added bonus of subtly deflecting the blame from him to being part of this abstract phobia, thus making it harder for you to hate him personally since your natural reaction then turns to being one of wanting to "help" him. DING DING DING - this is EXACTLY what I have felt in my heart about my ex. He keeps denying it, but... women's intuition always tells me differently - no matter how much I don't want to hear it. Thanks for the blunt honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 so, let me see if im following you...it sounds like you're basically saying he is pretty much just stringing me along for free sex? Well, not exactly what I wanted to hear but I accept taht its a possibility. And as far as his CP, the only reason that came to mind was because he fit all of the descriptions to a Tee except for the abandonment part. And it seems to be a pattern with him. But I don't know why he would string me along just to have sex because he's attractive and can have his pick of a lot of women. Guys just dont make sense sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 But I don't know why he would string me along just to have sex because he's attractive and can have his pick of a lot of women. Because he can. Have you entered into a relationship with every guy who was interested in you? I'm guessing 'no'. Does that mean you're a "commitment-phobe"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Have you entered into a relationship with every guy who was interested in you? I'm guessing 'no'. Does that mean you're a "commitment-phobe"? no, I haven't. But I also didnt get into a relationship with them and then promise them the world and then when everything was perfect and on course....end it with no explanation other than..I just can't do it. And now you've got me scared. I'm wondering....how is a girl supposed to know when a man that seems so sincere with everything he says is being honest or..playing? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 But I don't know why he would string me along just to have sex because he's attractive and can have his pick of a lot of women. Guys just dont make sense sometimes. If I read tanbark correctly, he takes his pick of women and then when he's ready to end that relationship and pick another woman, he plays the commitment phobe card so that he ends things on kinder, gentler note. Who knows? Maybe he does this exact thing with every woman. He told you he just drops his exes and never calls them, but maybe instead, they stop talking to him after they catch on that he's never going to "cure" his phobia. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 how is a girl supposed to know when a man that seems so sincere with everything he says is being honest or..playing? I guess that's a risk everyone has to take when they first start seeing someone. I think one of the biggest indicators that a person is being genuine is how closely their actions line up with their words. If I read tanbark correctly, he takes his pick of women and then when he's ready to end that relationship and pick another woman, he plays the commitment phobe card so that he ends things on kinder, gentler note. Right. Or it could be that he's dating multiple women at once until he finds one he wants to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Well....I guess the response from the room is overwhelming in pretty much one direction. There's a high chance the person that I'm still in love with is just maniipulating me or lying to me or whatever and its neve going to get better. Well, I guess I'll just have to try and gather the strength to end communication with him I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Gala Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 intopieces - I went through quite a few ambiguous friendships with guys - situations that hadn't involved dating, but were really intense connections with guys who were ambivalent for some reason. Eventually I realized that I just couldn't deal with the one-sided thing - even with guys who really liked and wanted to spend time with me. In one instance, we'd hung out A LOT for a couple of months, he had broken up with an LTR and really wanted my company. I liked him and wanted to date him, but it wasn't going to happen. Finally, I had to break the pattern and didn't see or talk to him for a few months. In the long run, this enabled us to have a strong but less intense friendship - because I hadn't hung around waiting for something I wasn't going to get, and because I had articulated my needs. In a situation where you see yourself still "in love" with this guy, you slept together, and it's only been a month, I strongly advise you to give yourself more space. Even if in the beginning the absence of him is painful, it will allow your life to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 IOP, At the moment you are still in love with this man- and he isn't living up to the expectations that you deserve to have fulfilled. You're hooked- dependant on your nightly conversations with him, content to have a small piece of him. I know you don't want to hear it, but you can change what is happening by simply not picking up the phone when he calls anymore. Remember, you are choosing to be stuck, you are choosing to settle for less than great, you are choosing to pick up the phone when he calls and be his "friend". All those choices have led you to feel unhappy and hurt. This man's behaviour may seem outwardly "nice and caring"... but I think if you take a good hard look at what he is doing and how he is really treating you- that he's actually being manipulative. You want him to love you, you want him to change for you... and he gives you false glimmers of hope to keep you hooked and stuck. He's not going to change, not ever. And if you continue to allow him to manipulate you, he's going to continue to do so. Sadly, the best way for you to move on and get "unstuck" is to cut off all contact with him. You seem to think you don't have any power in this relationship- but you do. You have the power to end the BS and make yourself available to a truly good man who wants to be in a romantic relationship with you. Choice, that is your power. D Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thank you D-Lish...that actually felt pretty good. Maybe I should stop listening to his words and looking at his actions. But they seem nice and caring, but maybe he is being intentionally manipulative. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 So, I followed everyone's advice and set out to make an effort to avoid my ex yesterday. Didnt answer the phone or anything. Then, suddenly, as I was on my computer, he Instant messages me. (guess I should block that). He starts making small talk and then says to me "friend to friend, I think I've found the one I wanna settle down with." Keep in mind he's only known her for two weeks and he's already ready to settle down with her WTF!!!. So I went silent on him and he asked me repeatedly if I was feeling alright. I kept saying yes and he kept asking me if I was sure. The more I think about it, the more I think this is some kind of game. Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Intopieces, it is a game. He feels close to you and wants to share his "new-found joy". It isn't for your benefit, that's for sure. He just wants to feel good. Ever get a new boyfriend and spend hours upon hours saying his name to other people? It gives you a high talking about him? That is what he is experiencing and he doesn't give a **** right now how it makes you feel. He is only thinking of himself. After all, he can rationalize it that you chose to be "just friends" with him and that's what friends do - talk about their lives. Remember, I am at the tail-end of this whole experience myself. I managed to say goodbye to my ex as even a friend yesterday. First thing this morning he calls with some trivial question and needs me to call him right away... They want to keep us hooked because we make them feel good. Once they feel good and well and secure in another relationship, where would that leave us? The new girlfriend isn't going to appreciate him spending time with his ex! Better off for your sanity and your pride, that you be the one who calls off the contact and run for the hills! Link to post Share on other sites
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