toldyouso Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I wasn't sure if this is proper to post in dating forum or getting married but here goes- my SO and I have been together about a year and a half. We have a GREAT time together, excellent fun sex life, and we can spend hours talking about anything. He is a good guy to me and though there are things about him I don't like I deal with them because of the good things about him. I'm just wondering if it is possible for it to work out between us because of our differences. First of all I am a family person- I love my family, I"m close to them, I like to spend time with them but don't get to often because they live a few hours away (all in different states). My SO is NOT close to his family. He actually lives at home still (is 29, I know!) but he can't afford to move out plus his mom pays all the bills for the house and even when she asks him for money he doesn't give it to her. His parents have been known to buy gifts (from him) for his little boy who he has physical custody of because he never has the money. So basically his parents do A LOT for him but he does not get along with them. He tells me he hates his dad and that his mom annoys him. If someone in his family passes away (his grandmother did not too long ago) he said "oh well throw the body in a box and get it in the ground, we don't need to cry over her" He is very insensitive at times. I didn't even take him to my grandma's recent funeral because I was afraid he might make comments that could upset me or my family. My SO says that if his entire family died he wouldn't lose any sleep. this is not just talk either- recently his dad had a heart attack and open heart sugery. Because of his dad's obesity the family was told his dad may not survive the surgery. My SO didn't even seem phased about this and said that he wasn't going to lose any sleep over it and that he wouldnt' miss him. He is not a heartless person- he is very good with his son but he can be very selfish and self involved (except when it comes to sex ironically). The other issue we differ on is responsibility. Yes, he does take care of his young son and he did pay child support before he got custody but he is not financially responsible and lives paycheck to paycheck. He literally spends ALL of his money in a week. He will eat out, buy ciggarettes, buy his son toys that he wants, he will rent movies, buy CDS (he's almost like a high school kid). His only bills are his car payment (car is in his sister's name as he has poor credit) and insurance which he doesn't always pay. I have no idea how many months he is behind. He has a steady job and when I first met him (we were friends first) he was a job hopper. But he's had this job for almost 2 years and enjoys it. He doesn't receive child support from his son's mom because she doesn't want to work. So I know taking care of a child is expensive but HE isn't the one paying for anything! He doesn't even buy groceries!! He used to be a cook at a restaurant and knows how to cook well but refuses to cook at home! His mom does the cooking- even though she works too. He says he will move out once his car is paid off (two years) or if he moves in with me (not thinking that is a good idea!). I know I am making him sound really bad here, but he is a good guy. He is a good listener and we can talk for hours and I"ve not dated many guys who are interested in actually sharing feelings. We also have amazing chemistry and he is so much fun in bed (shallow aren't I , ha ha) I literally have not dated anyone I've felt like this for. The thing is there is no security with him. If we were married, I feel i"d be a replacemetn for his parents- he'd expect me to secure a place to live and pay the bills. Is there any hope that he will grow up? That he will become responsible? Or should I just look at it as I should cut my losses and get out now because he'll never be compatable with me in that area? For now it works because we are dating and though we've talked about marriage that is years away from where we are now? Should I give up the great sex and conversation for someone more responsible?
laRubiaBonita Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Is there any hope that he will grow up? That he will become responsible? Or should I just look at it as I should cut my losses and get out now.....? run.... do not walk away from this leech-boy in a mans body!
norajane Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Should I give up the great sex and conversation for someone more responsible? Yes, no question about it. This man will suck you dry and then hate you for it - just like his parents. He is an immature, ungrateful, irresponsible ass and he will not change that about himself just because he marries you.
scrybe74 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I wasn't sure if this is proper to post in dating forum or getting married but here goes- my SO and I have been together about a year and a half. We have a GREAT time together, excellent fun sex life, and we can spend hours talking about anything. He is a good guy to me and though there are things about him I don't like I deal with them because of the good things about him. I'm just wondering if it is possible for it to work out between us because of our differences. First of all I am a family person- I love my family, I"m close to them, I like to spend time with them but don't get to often because they live a few hours away (all in different states). My SO is NOT close to his family. He actually lives at home still (is 29, I know!) but he can't afford to move out plus his mom pays all the bills for the house and even when she asks him for money he doesn't give it to her. His parents have been known to buy gifts (from him) for his little boy who he has physical custody of because he never has the money. So basically his parents do A LOT for him but he does not get along with them. He tells me he hates his dad and that his mom annoys him. If someone in his family passes away (his grandmother did not too long ago) he said "oh well throw the body in a box and get it in the ground, we don't need to cry over her" He is very insensitive at times. I didn't even take him to my grandma's recent funeral because I was afraid he might make comments that could upset me or my family. My SO says that if his entire family died he wouldn't lose any sleep. this is not just talk either- recently his dad had a heart attack and open heart sugery. Because of his dad's obesity the family was told his dad may not survive the surgery. My SO didn't even seem phased about this and said that he wasn't going to lose any sleep over it and that he wouldnt' miss him. He is not a heartless person- he is very good with his son but he can be very selfish and self involved (except when it comes to sex ironically). The other issue we differ on is responsibility. Yes, he does take care of his young son and he did pay child support before he got custody but he is not financially responsible and lives paycheck to paycheck. He literally spends ALL of his money in a week. He will eat out, buy ciggarettes, buy his son toys that he wants, he will rent movies, buy CDS (he's almost like a high school kid). His only bills are his car payment (car is in his sister's name as he has poor credit) and insurance which he doesn't always pay. I have no idea how many months he is behind. He has a steady job and when I first met him (we were friends first) he was a job hopper. But he's had this job for almost 2 years and enjoys it. He doesn't receive child support from his son's mom because she doesn't want to work. So I know taking care of a child is expensive but HE isn't the one paying for anything! He doesn't even buy groceries!! He used to be a cook at a restaurant and knows how to cook well but refuses to cook at home! His mom does the cooking- even though she works too. He says he will move out once his car is paid off (two years) or if he moves in with me (not thinking that is a good idea!). I know I am making him sound really bad here, but he is a good guy. He is a good listener and we can talk for hours and I"ve not dated many guys who are interested in actually sharing feelings. We also have amazing chemistry and he is so much fun in bed (shallow aren't I , ha ha) I literally have not dated anyone I've felt like this for. The thing is there is no security with him. If we were married, I feel i"d be a replacemetn for his parents- he'd expect me to secure a place to live and pay the bills. Is there any hope that he will grow up? That he will become responsible? Or should I just look at it as I should cut my losses and get out now because he'll never be compatable with me in that area? For now it works because we are dating and though we've talked about marriage that is years away from where we are now? Should I give up the great sex and conversation for someone more responsible? Run away.... If not... Then treat this as a fun relationship until a real man comes by. You will replace his parents. Think about it. Think about how ungrateful he is to his mom who basically supports him financially. His sister used her credit to get him a car. And he doesn't care about them? He blows his money on toys and games and eating out? This type of person is this way because the people in his life ALLOW it. If he moves in with you.....try as you might....you will end up taking care of him and his boy. It's fine now because you can go home at the end of the day. It's fine now because he isn't causing you financial stress. But when you start paying his bills and taking care of him when he loses his job.......the fun is over. He needs to prove himself worthy of living with you. How? Listen very closely... DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he's lived on his own for at least a year. He'll never know what it means to be responsible if people keep making excuses for him and making things easy for him. I was a single dad at the age of 28. I lived in my own apartment for awhile......got buried in debt and moved back home for 3-4 months until I got on my feet. I also am not close to my family but I never took anything from them. I paid them rent and even babysitting for my son while I was at work. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and lived in my office with my son for 3 months until I could afford to move out. People (not my family) have helped me out from time to time in my life but I've proven that I'm willing to do what it takes to take care of myself and my son. I have know idea what kind of person I would have been if someone simply took all of these burdens off of me. Anyway.....if you want something serious sooner than later...then run now.
Walk Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 It's up to you... but he's never going to grow up. He'll be fun to date, fun to hang out with, nothing you could ever count on during the tough times though. He takes it all for granted. It violates my core belief in how I would wish to live my life so there's no way in hell I would ever continue dating him. He's ungrateful for the incredible amount of help and support he gets. He's spoiled. How he treats his family is a direct reflection on how he will treat you in the future. In my world, if you take - then you have to give back. What is he giving back? He just takes. He doesn't value what is given to him. He doesn't appreciate it. He doesn't even acknowledge it. Personally, it'd be a no-brainer for me... I'd dump him. But I won't tolerate having a partner who believes being a parasite is his birth right. I'd have no respect for someone like you described.
toldyouso Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 The scary thing is that you are all right! And I know this, deep down I know that he and I will never work out. Yes he is very selfish, ungrateful and takes it all for granted. I've even noticed that he's that way with me. I will do things for his son- I took him shopping for new school clothes last year because my SO couldn't afford to, I've taken him to places he thinks are fun because my SO doesn't have time or money to do so. My SO says I am the only woman he's ever dated that has even paid any attention to his son!! His son tells me "I love you" every time I leave and this little boy doesn't even say I love you to his grandparents or aunt. He only says it to his mom, dad and me. Does my SO appreciate that I've made his son important to me? No, he will complain that I don't do enough for him!! (when he wants a babysitter so he can go somewhere and I refuse to watch him!) He used to have to pay his ex $300 a month in child support. When he got custody that stopped. So does he have $300 extra a month that he could save for an apartment? Nope! he still have not even a dollar to his name the day before pay day. He is also very selfish as in he wants what he wants and if I don't want to to the same thing (such as spend all day with him when I have other things that I need to get done) or if he wants to see me and I"m sick and don't feel like going out he will be mad at me for days! I guess I can put up with it all because I do get to go home to my own place at the end of the day. But you are all right- he's not going to change.
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