lilli58 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I have already posted in another foruma dn was told that this forum was better for my issues. I have two issues. 1: My husband cheated on me and has since cut all ties with her. He was seeing her while he was working out of town. He is not working out of town anymore. It has now been three weeks since it has ended and it is effecting our sex life. He tells me that before he had sex with this girl (only seeing each other for three weeks) our sex was full of feeling and emotion on his part, but now he doesn't feel that when we have sex. Why would he feel that way up till her even when we were having problems but since her he doewn't feel anything. He says it is almost like it is just sex and nothing else (no emotions involved). We have both made a commitment to make this marriage work so I guess I don't understand. Is this happening because he feels so guilty that he can not turn those feelings back on? Is it because this is his way of protecting his feelings just in case it doesn't work? He is extremely depressed about it and we are both frustrated. 2: and can someone explain to me why I am obsessed with her? I can't help but feel as though he is still friends with her. he told me that she text mess. him last week and that he text her back and told her to stop and that it was over. She then called him, which he told me she did, and he told her to stop all of the messages and calling. Ok so he hasn't heard from her since but tonight I looked on his phone and fornd when she called and they talked for 59 min. What the hell did they have to talk about for 59 min if he was telling her to go away? I asked him about it tonight and he said "I don't remember the conversation being for 59 min." I said well that is what the phone said and that was it. I can understand that even though he has held himself accountable for what was done and understands that I don't trust him, and I also understand that no matter how understandable you are after someone is always on your ass about what you are doing, and with who, and always spying on you openly it can get on ones nerves. Everyone has a breaking point. How do I stop obsessing about her and if he is still talking to her? I am trying so hard to move on but I am always trying to "catch" him at something now. I am frustrated with myself and fear that I might ruin what we are trying to do. I can not see my counsiler for two more weeks and I am going out of my mind. we talk pretty openly about her. I have been checking and ahe has not called or text him since that conversation. He is not working there anymore and is in town now so it is that much harder for them to see eachother. I do feel as though he has stopped contacting her but I am obsessed still about it. He has a lot of issues to work through of his own and I have my own to work through. I just feel as though I am going to ruin what we are trying to accomplish. I am one of those people that always tells how I feel, sometimes not so nicely, but I always talk about everything, and after this happened our communication has been like never before. He never used to talk but now he is so open about things. This affair opened out eyes to a lot of negative things in our relationship. I am partly to blame for this too. He hurt me in the past and I lashed out by cutting him off and not talking to him about why and staying bitter and resentful. He gave me lots of opportunity to talk about it and fix it but I just wanted to stay bitter and hold a grudge. The one and only time I didn't talk about everything. So I want to make it work and I love him so very much, but I am so scared that I am going to ruin it. I need to stop obsessing over her and what happened but I don't know how! P.S. Please ignore my spelling I type fast and I just don't care to fix every mistake. lol
Ladyjane14 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I took a quick peek at your other thread. You had some pretty good input there, particularly from JamesM. It's still early days. And there's a good possibility that guilt is playing a factor in your husband's sexual response to you. But... there's also the possibility that 'withdrawal' is at work, and even that the affair hasn't truly ended yet. In withdrawal, a guy might act much like a person who was substance addicted and is without his "fix". There's an element of excitement in response to the illicit affair partner that works upon the body physiologically. Before he was getting these big whopping shots of dopamine. Now they are absent. In a case in which the affair is still ongoing... the affair partners often go into a period of NO CONTACT until the betrayed spouse is pacified. Then they return to the affair. This also results in a certain amount of 'withdrawal' as well as emotional conflict, because they sometimes feel that they're being "unfaithful" to their affair partner while they're interacting with their spouse. There are ALOT of different possibilities here. And I think it would be a mistake for you to try to pin down a reason for your husband's depression and lethargy without professional guidance. I know it's hard to wait, but still... I think it's better than going in with preconceived notions. In the meantime, it's NORMAL for a betrayed spouse to feel like she's obsessed with the affair partner. That too will dissipate in time, particularly if you are proactive in rebuilding your own self-esteem, which in most cases is damaged by the infidelity.
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I just want to say I'm the one that cheated and my husband is acting like u.Let me tell u stop bothering your husband it will only make him unhappy and not want to be with u. Try to get over it, if u stop bothering him he would want to have sex with u. My husband is annoying and it makes me not want to be with him. Its been a yr and he still jealous.
lorr Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 IMHO, if my boyfriend/husband had the audacity to screw someone else, then he is not worth my time and energy. Obviously your husband did not take his vows seriously enough, and now you are left with trust issues. The trust has been broken big time, and although you are trying to convince yourself that your marriage can inevitably be saved, you will in the back of your mind always think of the OW, and the sexual, emotional things that they shared together, which should really have been with you. Regardless of whether you or your husband were having difficulty in the relationship back then, that does not warrant him seeking out another woman to satisfy his and the OW'S needs. Both of you should have communicated with each other, or should have seeked counselling if things were that bad.
outofdarkness Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I just want to say I'm the one that cheated and my husband is acting like u.Let me tell u stop bothering your husband it will only make him unhappy and not want to be with u. Try to get over it, if u stop bothering him he would want to have sex with u. My husband is annoying and it makes me not want to be with him. Its been a yr and he still jealous. ummm...what?? The cheater is the one who is wrong! So what if the BS is sort of "annoying" for awhile. It took me over two years to even come close to not obsessing anymore...My H really wanted to make things work, so he did what our MC and his IC said to do...He listened, answered ALOT of questions, and sweated it out. It is a very small price to pay for being unfaithful, in my opinion...
Author lilli58 Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 Thanks for all of the input. It does help me and "guest" you need to learn a little tact.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 As a BS, I was obsessed with the OW, in terms of what my H saw in her... I quickly gotten over that obsession because in the end, he wished to stay in the marriage and not leave me for her. I thought I read somewhere that the OW is usually the direct opposite of the W in personality and character. It is normal to be obsessed in catching him in lies. I did that for a while and I still check his cell phone now and then. What else can he expect? to have complete trust back? I told my H that the unconditional trust I gave him will not return for a long long long long time, if ever. I will always be cautious because back then, I was blindsided by his A. Good luck!
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