whattodo7 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 My husband has been having an intimate relationship with a co-worker. I have told him that if he wants to try to fix our marriage that he needs to cut all ties with her. He refuses to do that saying that they were friends before this started and that I can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with. I have also caught him in some lies recently. He told me he was somewhere when he wasn't. He says that he wasn't with her though. He has stayed out all night without calling. He always has a story for each situation that I catch him in. I don't know what to believe anymore. I ask him if he wants to try to fix our marriage and he has never given me a definite answer. He seems to be trying with us more and is being a little more open, but he won't give up this realtionship that he is having. I know it sounds simple what I should do here, but I am having a hard time doing it. Any advice or words of wisdom would help. By the way, she is also married and we have a new baby at home.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 My husband has been having an intimate relationship with a co-worker. I have told him that if he wants to try to fix our marriage that he needs to cut all ties with her. He refuses to do that saying that they were friends before this started and that I can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with. I have also caught him in some lies recently. He told me he was somewhere when he wasn't. He says that he wasn't with her though. He has stayed out all night without calling. He always has a story for each situation that I catch him in. I don't know what to believe anymore. I ask him if he wants to try to fix our marriage and he has never given me a definite answer. He seems to be trying with us more and is being a little more open, but he won't give up this realtionship that he is having. I know it sounds simple what I should do here, but I am having a hard time doing it. Any advice or words of wisdom would help. By the way, she is also married and we have a new baby at home. Does her husband know? Because if he doesn't... you might consider clueing him in. When OW has trouble at home dealing with her own husband, she's going to have less time to piss around with YOURS. Your H will go off like a nuclear bomb when you 'let the cat out of the bag'. But in all likelihood, as mad as he gets... the ongoing affair itself is more of a danger to your marriage than all the sputtering he can do. Meantime, see an attorney. You'll feel better when you know all your options. Contact with the OW is incompatible with staying married. If your husband can't make a decision about that... make it FOR him.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I completely agree about cluing the husband in. You don't have to do it though. You could have a very close friend whom you trust do it, you could do it anonymously. This is a horrible position to be in, especially when it takes away from you enjoying your newborn.
WhisperingWillow Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 With telling her husband. I would do it, not out of spite for what LJ said. She'll be preoccupied trying to save her own marriage. Her husband of course deserves to know. Grown people in marriages can't go around diddling other folks without there being some consequences. If you're responsible enough to do it then you're responsible enough to handle the drawbacks. I would also suggest some counseling, I don't know if he will go. If he doesn't, you definitely should just to make sure you keep it together and stay level headed. A attorney is a good option too, as LJ said to see about all your options and everything. Also in agreeance that the marriage can't work if he can't sever the tie with the other woman. Using the lame excuse that they were friends before, is just that, a lame excuse. He is using that as a way of still keeping the embers glowing red and pretending it's a friendship. So if I were you I would clue her husband, tell your husband either he cuts the relationship or you're walking, also suggest marital counseling, if not, go on your own.
Moose Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I would've already had the bags packed on the porch. His boat would have, "Cheater", spray painted on it. His clothes all over the front lawn, new locks on the doors and winders, his property in the middle of lawn with the sprinkler on and everything....... Your husband doesn't deserve your patience with this. Kick him to the curb!
herenow Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I don't necessarily agree with telling her husband, but I don't see that it would do you any harm either. I would focus all your energy on getting the answer to the question: Does he want to work on your marriage? He may need to see what he is at risk of losing before he is ready to break off all ties with the OW. You need to be clear with him, that it's you or her, and follow through with the threat.
Moose Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Why don't people who have a cheating spouse just tell the jerk or jerkette to pack their things and move on? That's what they deserve isn't it? I know that the years of building a relationship, the family that's grown, the emotional attachments are there and it's such a waste......but hey.....the cheater wasn't thinking about all of those things while they were knockin' a piece off..... I say forget about working it out, and put him in the place he deserves! Home-less, Family-less, and forkin' out monthly payments to stay out of jail....
JackJack Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 To the OP, you stated he wont let go of this other relationship with this woman, so you can't expect the marriage to move forward or even begin to heal from this, if he can't let go of her. I think its up to you what you feel you need to do now. I do think marraiges can heal and be saved from affairs but its going to take alot of work from BOTH people. It doesn't sound like he wants to work on that. If he can't let her go, and if you feel this is not a salvageable situation, you might want to move on.
lorr Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 To be blunt your husband does not have any respect for you whatsoever. I don't see how the relationship is going to go anywhere, if he is not prepared to cut ties with the OW. IMHO you should pack your husbands things, kick him to the kerb,and tell him that he should move in with the OW. He is taking the living p*** out of you, and this is not what you need as you have a new born to think about. Yes it will be hard, but there are many single parents who cope very well. You need to show your husband that you mean business, and that you are more than prepared to go it alone. Only then will he more than likely take you seriously. BTW Moose is dead right. I can guarantee that your husband was not thinking about you, whilst he was having it off with his co-worker.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 All cheaters are selfish!! They are not thinking about anyone but themselves while they are having the A. If it was me, I would not say divorce right away, but I would insist on a separation. And I would also tell the OW's husband of the affair. Her husband may leave her and your H and the OW can live together.... Affairs are not so attractive when they have to take account in everyday mundane chores like taking out the garbage and cooking and whose doing the dishes.
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