How do you get closure when he won't give it to you? And how do you get over anger?

[princessa]

I realize that this is most likely just a phase. I also realize that i'm the one who wanted to break up, and that I should be glad to be rid of him... But all I wanted was a last talk to make peace, say what needed to be said, and leave it be.. Instead he's too much of a coward to even pick up the phone and talk to me. I'm so angry at him that I would probably try to hurt him even if I saw him on the street.. physically hurt him....... I've left 2 last voice mails saying the meanest things I've heard myself articulate in a long while (and I'm no sugar pie on a daily basis either).... I don't like to be angry like this...... It eats away at me instead of making me feel better. How am I supposed to be able to find peace now?? Is it just a matter of time?

[Touche]

It's not his job to give you closure. Why give him all that power? You have to give yourself closure.

 

Why not write a letter but don't send it. Or write one here...get it all out.

 

He doesn't care about what you have to say. You ended it, why should he? You can't make him give you closure.

 

Take control and give YOURSELF that closure.

[amaysngrace]

You can't change him or his actions. You can only monitor your own. Getting angry because he's acting in a particular way is such a waste of your time and energy. You should really be angry at yourself for not accepting this fact.

 

You are doing this to yourself. You know he stirs up negative emotions in you yet you still pursue him. To have your voice heard by him.

 

I understand that you want to be understood by him. But isn't it a little too late for that now? All you are doing is leaving him with a worse impression of you.

 

Think more highly of yourself and have more dignity. It's over and what's done is done. Nothing you say to him is really going to make a difference in his opinion of you. The only thing that can happen is you will become even less desirable in his eyes.

[princessa]

What does it matter what opinion he has of me??? I just wanted us to sit down like adults and have a logical agreement that we aren't RIGHT for eachother. But he kept sending me "I miss you" texts, and then basically just left me hanging. I can't stand him telling me that, so I was hoping we could talk and either he'd agree to give me what I want, or we'd agree to go on our separate ways. Instead I can't logically come to a conclusion about this situation and I'm left HANGING.

 

I'm also angry because I've wasted 2 years of my life waiting for the bastard and he can't wait 3 days for me to reply to his text before putting me on ignore?! Motherf****

[My Fair Katie]

Allow yourself a few moments of anger. Write it down on a sheet of paper then rip the paper to shreds.

 

Then, redirect your energy. If you're still angry use that energy in a more productive way, go to the gym and blow of steam, or go on a long walk or run, ride a bike. Let go of the anger and gain a stronger body, win-win.

 

He won't give you "closure." He owes you nothing. Sure, it's nice when people can part amicably, but sometimes it doesn't happen. Learn from the relationship. Try to think back on the positive aspects while remembering that it just wasn't meant to be. Try to put a more positive spin on the time you spent together. Relationships are never a waste, they are all learning experiences.

[amaysngrace]

What does it matter what opinion he has of me??? I just wanted us to sit down like adults and have a logical agreement that we aren't RIGHT for eachother. But he kept sending me "I miss you" texts, and then basically just left me hanging. I can't stand him telling me that, so I was hoping we could talk and either he'd agree to give me what I want, or we'd agree to go on our separate ways. Instead I can't logically come to a conclusion about this situation and I'm left HANGING.

 

I'm also angry because I've wasted 2 years of my life waiting for the bastard and he can't wait 3 days for me to reply to his text before putting me on ignore?! Motherf****

 

You are letting him get to you. When he first texted you you decided to wait three days. That was good judgment on your part.

 

You should've waited forever to get back to him. Instead you wait three days and then expect him to be willing to talk to you. When he doesn't you get angry.

 

I agree with Touche. You are giving him too much power. You are highly emotional right now and I think it's got to be hard for you to come to any logical explanation where you and he are concerned.

 

Do you want this guy back or not?

[princessa]

He owes you nothing.

 

A lot of what he has right now he owes it to me. And he knows it.

[Touche]

I don't understand. What does he owe you?

[princessa]

You should've waited forever to get back to him.

 

I was hoping that I'd be able to sit him down and ask him rationally.. "here's what I want/need from a relationship. Are you able to provide that to me?"... because from what he said he still wanted to be with me. And I'm not as mean as to just leave him hanging like that!

 

I agree with Touche. You are giving him too much power. You are highly emotional right now and I think it's got to be hard for you to come to any logical explanation where you and he are concerned.

 

Heh, no arguments here.

 

Do you want this guy back or not?

This situation is really brining the worst out of me. And even if things calm down I don't think he'll ever be able to take back all the times where he ignored me / left me hanging when I was crying hysterically. And I don't think I'll ever be able to take back the extremely hurtful things I said to him yesterday on the voice mail. I have a feeling they'll resonate with him for a long while.

[princessa]

I don't understand. What does he owe you?

 

Let's say he's had a very rough 2 years. Anybody in their right mind would have bailed rather than staying in a relationship with somebody in his situation who was broke, sick, and didn't even have the time for the actual relationship. He was almost my primary preoccupation during this period.. I did everything I could think of to help him get better. Of course had he not worked hard enough himself he woudln't have gotten anywhere so I'm not gonna be as snobbish as to give myself THAT much credit... But still, I did help him, i was there for him no matter what. And now he's all better. And he DARES treating me like this, ignoring my phone calls. Abandoning me when I'm all emotional. I guess I'm just nice to have around for business purposes.... As long as I don't ask anything.. and have no needs whatsoever. How lovely.

[Touche]

If someone brings out the worst in you, that's your first clue to distance yourself from that person. You should only be around people who bring out the BEST in you.

 

Also, I keep reading about people saying they're willing to "work" at a relationship. Sorry, but if a relationship is THAT much work and negotiations, it ain't meant to be in my book. Sure, some compromises need to be made at times but some people don't see when it's square peg/round hole. I think you and this b/f are in that category.

 

When it's meant to be, you don't have to tell your SO that he should call you back and not ignore you. He should WANT to call you back and not ignore you. It's that simple.

 

And why do you need for him to agree with you that it's over. YOU'RE the only one that needs to make that determination in your own mind. Who cares about whether he agrees with it or not. You're the only one making yourself feel like you're "hanging." You don't need his agreement. No need to be wimpy about this.

 

Stop looking for his permission here. Take CONTROL! Let go of the anger. Not every relationship is meant to be for the long haul, as was mentioned. Just learn from this one so that your next one is better.

 

And next time, pick a guy who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. It sounds humiliating to me to have to tell your b/f to put you first or near the top of his priorities. My pride would never allow me to do that. He either will or he won't..on his own. And if he doesn't, then he's not for you.

[amaysngrace]

because from what he said he still wanted to be with me.

 

Okay he said that but how does he act? Remember that actions speak louder than words. He's not treating you as if he wants you back. Even more the reason to be done with him IMO. He doesn't back what he says with action. Talk is cheap. He's not worth much either.

[princessa]

Also, I keep reading about people saying they're willing to "work" at a relationship. Sorry, but if a relationship is THAT much work and negotiations, it ain't meant to be in my book. Sure, some compromises need to be made at times but some people don't see when it's square peg/round hole. I think you and this b/f are in that category.

 

That's what he used to say because we had so many arguments.... And yet he'd still want the relationship.. My personal opinion is that we're both very difficult people to deal with in general. I've been told so and so has he... I've recently come to that same conclusion, that it's square peg/round hole with us.... but if it is then we should be able to lay it out on the line and find out once and for all... hence me looking for a discussion with him.

 

And next time, pick a guy who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. It sounds humiliating to me to have to tell your b/f to put you first or near the top of his priorities. My pride would never allow me to do that. He either will or he won't..on his own. And if he doesn't, then he's not for you.

But what do you do if he keeps saying that he WANTS to do all that, and keep strining you along (which for you really isn't considered strining since you actually trust his intentions).... and in the end ignores you?! WHAT THE HELL do I make of this???? This is exactly why I needed to HEAR from him, that yes, I'm NOT a priority for him. I would've just walked away and never looked back... But now all i'm left with is some half-assed hope that has faded, a bunch of I Miss you'd on my cell phone, some half-assed promises that he'd make it better that I trusted.... How the hell do i make peace with that?

[princessa]

Okay he said that but how does he act? Remember that actions speak louder than words. He's not treating you as if he wants you back. Even more the reason to be done with him IMO. He doesn't back what he says with action. Talk is cheap. He's not worth much either.

If he didn't want me back he would've just told me that it was over and never called back, like he did to his ex's. He's told me before that he ignores me because he's too sensitive to arguments or something... so to him ignoring is nothing.... to me, that's treating me like shyt. But yeah, talk is cheap. What about no talk at all?? Which of the two is cheaper?

[amaysngrace]

How the hell do i make peace with that?

 

You let it go.

 

You don't need him to define your relationship for you. See it yourself for what it is. It's him telling you a bunch of BS and you falling for it.

 

You don't need his BS any more. Be glad it's over.

 

That's how you make peace with it.

[princessa]

Seriously I hate to admit it to myself and to you guys.. but I feel that I have to be blunt and honest here so I'm gonna say this. I think I still have a hope of us as least talking about things.. and that he sucks me back in with his words.... The probability of this happening would probably be around 10%.... And it's really creepy to admit that a small part of me still wants this..... I think that's where my confusion is coming from... I think this is why I'm allowing myself to get openly angry at him... and tell him all these disgusting things.... to sort of turn him off from wanting to ever speak to me again...

[Touche]

I still don't understand why you need this discussion with him. He agrees it's too much "work" and it seems so do you. Two difficult people should not be together. It never works in my experience.

 

I just don't understand why you still need to talk to him about all of this. Tell him to stop calling you with his half-assed promises and phony "I miss yous." And yes, they're phony...just words. He doesn't act like a man who is in love.

 

You ask how you can make peace with that? It's something we've all had to do in our lives. It's part of growing up. You just do it. You don't need anyone's permission to do that and you don't need to discuss it anymore.

 

I think you just don't want to let go. Believe me, I've been there. You keep hoping the next time will be better...he'll REALLY "get it" this time...nope...not gonna happen. Very, very unlikely anyway.

 

Cut your losses now. Move on and come here for help in coping and healing. You can do this. You're stronger than you think..you're certainly stubborn, right? So I know you have it in you to let go of the anger, accept this loss and make peace with it all.

[amaysngrace]

Seriously I hate to admit it to myself and to you guys.. but I feel that I have to be blunt and honest here so I'm gonna say this. I think I still have a hope of us as least talking about things.. and that he sucks me back in with his words.... The probability of this happening would probably be around 10%.... And it's really creepy to admit that a small part of me still wants this..... I think that's where my confusion is coming from... I think this is why I'm allowing myself to get openly angry at him... and tell him all these disgusting things.... to sort of turn him off from wanting to ever speak to me again...

 

I think you really have just gotten use to him. He's become a habit to you. Time with him, places you go, hearing from him, sex...

 

He's sort of like an addiction now. And you need to break yourself from him. You yourself said he brings out the worst in you. All destructive habits do too.

 

I agree that no relationship is ever all bad. If nothing else you can always grow from it and use it to help you make better choices for yourself down the line.

 

I strongly suggest you take out a piece of paper and write your feelings out. Not for him but for you. To see it thoroughly. You've been through a lot and you need to process it all.

 

But please don't settle for this guy. He treats you badly by your own admission. And you deserve so much more.

[Touche]

Yes, Grace is right. Why not write down (or post) ALL of his good qualities and all the negative things you don't like. This really works to see it down in black and white.

 

Funny that you admitted you didn't want to completely close the door on this. I saw your post about that after I hinted at it. I knew you didn't. Like I've said, I've been there. You just keep hoping he'll get it when the reality is he most likely won't. I'd bet everything I have that he won't ever get it.

 

You two are just a mismatch. It's not the end of the world. It happens all the time. The quicker you accept that, the quicker you will heal and learn from this.

 

It's not your fault. Make peace with this and let go of the anger. It's not even HIS fault. Just two incompatible personalities.

[princessa]

He doesn't act like a man who is in love.

 

How does a man who is in love acts?

 

I think you just don't want to let go. Believe me, I've been there. You keep hoping the next time will be better...he'll REALLY "get it" this time...nope...not gonna happen. Very, very unlikely anyway.

 

That's true, I admit it... i can't seem to enjoy anybody's company more than I did his.....

 

Cut your losses now. Move on and come here for help in coping and healing. You can do this. You're stronger than you think..you're certainly stubborn, right? So I know you have it in you to let go of the anger, accept this loss and make peace with it all.

 

Thanks.. I think you're right, I need to be my stubborn self and get stubborn about getting this over with. But I have to want to let go before I'm able to do this... I assume that's gonna take some time..... But please do tell me how a man in love is supposed to act, so that if he ever talks to me again I'd be able to see his BS for what it really is.....

[Touche]

And one more thing I wanted to add. You said you stuck by him for so long when others would have fled and that's why he "owes" you. Nope. He still doesn't owe you anything. That was your choice. And that's to your credit. But he didn't make you stick by him.

 

He doesn't owe you anything. But you owe it to yourself to expect better. Unfortunately, it's not going to come from him.

[princessa]

I've done this before... listed everything that made me feel like crap about the relationship in an email and sent it to him..... back then I was so determined to break it off... i don't know if he's read the email or not but that night he kept calling me and emailig me about how he's sorry and begged me for another chance....... i hesitated, some more crap happened, he kept saying he missed me... i hesitated some more..... and here we are at the total relapse. sigh.

[princessa]

And one more thing I wanted to add. You said you stuck by him for so long when others would have fled and that's why he "owes" you. Nope. He still doesn't owe you anything. That was your choice. And that's to your credit. But he didn't make you stick by him.

 

He doesn't owe you anything. But you owe it to yourself to expect better. Unfortunately, it's not going to come from him.

 

I respectfully disagree. He at least owes me some respect. That is, to answer the phone.

[Touche]

Princessa, the first thing I can tell you is this: A man who is in love does NOT disappear and ignore your calls. They WANT to contact you. They WANT to be with you. They're excited when you call and they can't wait to see you.

 

I remember when my H and I were dating. There were nights we couldn't get together but we'd end up on the phone several times throughout the day. He called me on his lunch break, after work, before bed, etc.

 

Taking a trip without me (I read your other thread) would have been completely out of the question...forget not even telling me about it.

 

He is supposed to act exactly the way you have been WANTING him to act. But for whatever reason, he can't. And you can't make him. Don't you want someone who is just that way? Who tells you and SHOWS you he cares? Who doesn't just SAY it when he feels like he's going to lose you?

 

This guy is like a used car salesman...say what I need to say to close the deal...who cares if it's really true and sincere or not? I know she'll come running back to me if I say all the right words and then I can go back to doing whatever I want.

 

Who wants that? That's NOT how a guy in love acts. It's really, really not.

[Touche]

I respectfully disagree. He at least owes me some respect. That is, to answer the phone.

 

But he really doesn't, P. I mean it would be the respectable thing to do, but he doesn't owe it to you. If he was a decent guy, he'd answer the damn phone though. I agree. But from what you've said, he's not all that decent a guy. He's selfish and self-centered. So you can't suddenly expect him to do what a respectable, decent guy would do. He's not that guy.