Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I am coming to this forum out of desperation. I need feedback from others who have been married for several years. I've been with my wife for almost 9 years (married over three). We have a very deep connection and companionship that I think is distinctive, based on our values, tastes in all sorts of things, humor, singing and playing instruments together, going out and doing any number of things, and of course memories and particular affection dynamics. Yet our relationship has been up and down. She requires a lot of attention (mother re-married three times with whom she claims to have no connection, father who is more or less estranged) and thrives on being adored by everyone. She is incredibly generous but part of that generosity is a demand for constant attention and reciprocity. I understand that everyone deserves loving attention, but her demand was more excessive than anyone I had been with prior (two and three year relationships before her). This combined with a horrible ongoing psychological problem I have, probably developed in my childhood through my parents. I have a problem with intimacy, where I can be extremely affectionate and giving and then the next day or even a few days am cold and irritable. I have had trouble with depression at times. But my therapist suggests I have deep fears of intimacy and fears of not living up to high expectations (such as my wife's attention). We would go through periods, weeks with no problem, and then I would withdraw and she would be hurt.We never went to any couples counseling to deal with our problems (household chores and sex were also periodic problems after 8 years) There is much more to this story, but I fear that people won't read a long post. The shorter version is that last May, my therapist left the country and after a great year with my wife, having discovered and worked through a lot of my own issues, I lapsed into a kind of strange depression. I started making fake internet dating profiles. I don't know why. Most of them were on sites on the other side of the world (I'm currently in Europe). I never followed through with any kind of physical activity with anyone, and in fact felt that I loved my wife over the three months that I did this. She discovered it, and asked me about it. My first embarassed, kneejerk reaction was to lie and deny it. That made her angrier. She showed me online where she had found emails to me from the sites, which I had left up. I actually never went back to these after making them, except once or twice to see if I got any attention. They were mainly paying sites, and so I only posted a profile to be seen. I couldn't exchange any messages with anyone though I could get alerts that someone had contacted me. I still feel in my mind that this was overall harmless but the result of problems I didn't understand. Like my wife, I have "recognition"/attention problems, though I don't deal with them as she does. Regardless of whether I thought these things were basically benign but strange and deserving psychological attention, they hurt her very badly and weakened her trust in me. While I thought we were rebuilding and her behavior, though periodically vocalizing difficulty in getting over my actions of the summer, was as loving, affectionate, and sexual as ever. I left for a visit abroad for two weeks in early NOvember. We communicated by phone and email and everything was fine. Then, with four days until my return, she became very short with me, and then no contact at all the last two days. I walked into the apt., and everything of hers was gone, only a note to me saying it was over and that I knew why. She didn't want to talk to or see me again, except to eventually work out divorce issues. But then she wavered in the following weeks, telling me she felt "empty," "unsettled" and "mixed." She agreed to go to couples counseling, but we've had a two week break over the holidays. She refused to see me over that break or talk to me. I feared that without communication she would start seeing only the worst in us. Last night she told me that I needed to know that she didn't feel like we would ever get back together and that she didn't want to go to couples therapy any more. I don't know what to do. Her extreme turnaround in one month has left me traumatized and confused. I'm a mess. I love her dearly and am self-hating for my past behavior, but most of all, I feel we have an irreplaceable companionship that should be preserved and repaired. But I can't get through to her. I apologize for the length of this. I greatly appreciate your feedback. H
chadnickole Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I did the same thing with the fake dating site profiles during the time I felt Unloved and unwanted by my Wife, I also Sighned up for a myspace account and that caused nothing but problems (I craved needed attention from somebody) I was able tro get a little attention threw the internet....... The wife found out About these simple little things and and used them all aginst me when she said she was leaving me........ Even though I knew it was wrong And I wouldn't do it again........The real reason she left it the bond she had and still has with someone else!! She flip flopped alot like your wife and still does read through my post........ I also made allot of mistakes after she moved out, so we are not in a good place right now!!
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