Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I'm not sure if this is in the right place but I"m currently dating a guy for the last 2 years who may have cheated on me. I have no actual proof. We had been friends for 2 years before we dated. I have known his family for many years. The only thing my boyfriend had lied to me about in the past is that after work he used to stop at the bar after work and have a few drinks with his buddies. Not sure why he lied about that becasue I wouldnt' have cared. Anyway things are up and down with us. He considers it a long distance relationship- we don't live together or spend nights together as he has a 5 year old daughter that lives with him and I live about 35 minutes away from him. We see eachother about four times per week. He is 28 and I'm 26. I try to see him as often as I can but our schedules don't always match. He complains I dont' spend enough time with him. Anyway on to the possible cheating, he was "just friends" with a woman he met through work. She got fired from the job but they kept talking. (firing was unrelated to him) He would talk to her a few times a week, sometimes go to the bar with her, and he took his daughter over to her house a few times to play with her son. The problem is he never told me of this friendship. He never even mentioned her to me. I found out because I found an email from her on his computer. the email just talked about what she was getting her son for christmas and inviting him and his daughter to come over for dinner one night. I questioned him about the email and he LIED about the whole thing. I finally found out from one of his friends. The friend said they are just friends, nothing dating adn that this woman is not my boyfriend's type and that he complains about her a lot. (that she annoys him) So after a few huge fights between us, my boyfriend said he'd never talk to her again. He says that I can stop and see her and ask her anything I want and that this woman is dating someone and that he never slept with her or did anything inappropriate. He said he lied to me because I would get mad at him for stopping at another woman's house. Well he sees his daughter's mother once a week and I dont' get mad about that. He is the one who is jealous. if another man even talks to me my boyfriend gets insecure and upset. I have one male friend I am close to and he tells me that my boyfriend was probably up to something. My boyfriend knows all of my friends (including my male one) so I can't imagine why he wouldnt' introduce me to his friends (especially a female one). He has kept his promise and not talked to this woman but his friend saw her at a bar on new years' eve and she asked how my boyfriend was doing and mentioned that she hadn't talked to him in awhile. His friend told him this and my boyfriend relayed the info to me. He thought it would make me feel better but it just made me upset. my boyfriend then got mad and told me that its not fair that he's not allowed to talk to the woman anymore. That nothing bad was going on and he has nothing to hide and I can talk to her if I want. But that he feels he should be able to have friends (he has plenty of male friends) He feels he should be able to occasionally talk to this woman. He is mad because I have a close male friend (who he's met) and says if he isnt' allowed to tallk to this woman I should have to get rid of my male friend. (But I didn't do anything wrong or lie about him!!!) I told him no, that these are the consequences of his actions (Lying to me and hiding her) and he'll have to deal with it. he says he misses having her to talk to and that he thinks I am being unreasonable. He says if it comes down to me threatening him that I'll leave (which I will) then he will "make me happy even though I'm being selfish" and not talk to her. He says he doesn't really care about her and could care less if she's not his friend anymore. He just thinks I am being controlling by not wanting him to have any contact with her. Am I being controlling or should no contact with her be the consequences of his bad behavior?
WhisperingWillow Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I have to say you are being selfish. Sorry. Now having said that ask him if you can meet the woman and maybe make her your friend as well. Tell him you're willing to compromise. Are you though? I don't think there's any cause of alarm. Yes he lied and that is a big no no and I am inclined to believe that he was a little scared to tell you. Men do funny things sometimes to keep us happy, we do it too, hell we're all human, but dear you're being unreasonable and selfish and chances are if you keep doing this you're going to make him feel a lot of resentment towards you and down the line your relationship will suffer. So my suggestion: COMRPOMISE.
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I have to say you are being selfish. Sorry. Now having said that ask him if you can meet the woman and maybe make her your friend as well. Tell him you're willing to compromise. Are you though? I don't think there's any cause of alarm. Yes he lied and that is a big no no and I am inclined to believe that he was a little scared to tell you. Men do funny things sometimes to keep us happy, we do it too, hell we're all human, but dear you're being unreasonable and selfish and chances are if you keep doing this you're going to make him feel a lot of resentment towards you and down the line your relationship will suffer. So my suggestion: COMRPOMISE. I appreciate your opinion and maybe I AM wrong in asking him to go no contact with her. But the thing is he NEVER mentioned her to me, he snuck around behind my back to see her, he told her that he was SINGLE, he allowed his daughter to get to know her, he disrespected me by lying to me about her. If I asked him "what did you do last night or did you go anywhere?" he would say no he just sat home and watched tv, worked on his truck etc. Yet he was at the bar hanging out with HER or at her house. He CLAIMS nothing happened and he is not interested in her except platonically. Yet they have NOTHING in common except from the sounds of it they both had relationship problems. SHe is younger than both of us, has NO job, doesn't want to work, refuses to collect child support for her son, doesn't even let the father see her, she lives in subsidized housing and lives off welfare and food stamps (nothing wrong with that if you actually need it) but she hangs out at the local bars all the time! So she has money to drink but not to feed her child?? So I can't imagine being friends with her. I've asked him why he never let me meet her to begin with and he has no answer. He will "let" me meet her now (he showed me where she lives) but he wants me to go meet her on my own. He said he doesn't want to have to tell her he cant have any contact with her (although since I found out two months ago they haven't spoken) because it may make her mad and then "who knows what stories she'll make up to tell you". I think I will ask him this weekend to take me to her house to meet her. He has said the most terrible things about her looks and personality but I am curious to meet her. Her reaction to me may answer some questions. I had also offered my boyfriend a deal (which I didn't think he'd agree to) that if he wants to remain friends with her that will be fine by me as long as one day a week (any day) I can skip calling him and talking to him and go out and do whatever I want (or just stay home and do whatever) not cheating or anything, but he HAS to know where I am all the time and gets worrried if he can't reach me. So I know that would drive him crazy, a whole day with me not accounted for, but its similiar to how I'd be worrying if he remains friends with this woman because he lied to me before about her and I have no reassurance that he won't take to lying again about when he visits her or talks to her.
WhisperingWillow Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Comes out. You didn't post all that to begin with. Telling her he's single is real fishy, so yes I'd be concerned. I'd suggest meeting with her with him in tow and just see what happens. Now as you've painted her, she sounds like she's either a real crappy parent, or she is down on her luck. Her behavior however sounds in poor taste. Could be that she's young. I would defintely meet her, have him in tow and suss things out from there. Could be very telling.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If it was me, I would ask him to have no contact with her since you guys been together 2 years and he never mentioned her to you. It makes you wonder what else he is keeping from you? yeah, meet her anyway but know that she may lie for him. She may be willing to be the OW and that he be her friend with "benefits", if you know what I mean?
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If it was me, I would ask him to have no contact with her since you guys been together 2 years and he never mentioned her to you. It makes you wonder what else he is keeping from you? yeah, meet her anyway but know that she may lie for him. She may be willing to be the OW and that he be her friend with "benefits", if you know what I mean? I dont' think he still has any contact with her. The # that she used to call him from on his cell phone (how I found out) is disconnected and has been for awhile now. Also I know for a fact that he hasn't been to her house (at least not in his vehicle). She has a boyfriend now (she started dating him right before I found out that my guy was friends with her) she never told my boyfriend this- he just stopped over one day with his daughter and her boyfriend was there and she introduced them and he and his daughter stayed awhile and HER boyfriend played games with mine's daughter while she and my boyfriend talked. So I don't think she is the OW. I DO think she had a thing for him at one time because his daugther told me that this woman got upset when she (his daughter) told her that her dad and I took her to the park to play. She said (the girl is 5years old) that the woman yelled at her dad. So i do think that he was lying to her about me too. But if she was the woman scorned why would she continue to be friends with him. He also told me that he would tell her our problems adn she would give him advice. She also told him to get rid of me that she didn't understand why he wanted to be with me. All this and I knew NOTHING of her. I don't think they were FWB either. If anything happened I think it was a one night stand type thing or maybe a few times. Which is not ok at all if it did happen. If I find out that he slept with her he is gone! I just don't want him talking to her- sort of like here are the consequences of him lying to me- he loses a friend. He says that even if we break up over this he doesn't have any plans to talk to her. He did tell me yesterday that his coworker told him that he saw the woman at a bar over the weekend (boyfriend first told me it was sunday, now he says friday) and that she asked about him (my boyfriend) and told his co worker that she hadn't talked to him in a long time. Why did my boyfriend repeat this to me? He says he thought it would make me feel better and prove his point that he hadn't had any contact with her. Yet he says he misses talking to her. He has agreed to have no contact with her but I told him I want to meet her first and he said we can drop by and see her whenever I want. Is this odd that he's willing to let me meet her?
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I've asked him why he never let me meet her to begin with and he has no answer. He will "let" me meet her now (he showed me where she lives) but he wants me to go meet her on my own. He said he doesn't want to have to tell her he cant have any contact with her (although since I found out two months ago they haven't spoken) because it may make her mad and then "who knows what stories she'll make up to tell you". Uh, no. Would your guy friend make up stories to tell your bf? Please. What kind of "friend" would make up stories? An actual friend would not do that.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 He would talk to her a few times a week, sometimes go to the bar with her, and he took his daughter over to her house a few times to play with her son. The problem is he never told me of this friendship. He never even mentioned her to me. I found out because I found an email from her on his computer. the email just talked about what she was getting her son for christmas and inviting him and his daughter to come over for dinner one night. I questioned him about the email and he LIED about the whole thing. I finally found out from one of his friends. The friend said they are just friends, nothing dating adn that this woman is not my boyfriend's type and that he complains about her a lot. (that she annoys him) So after a few huge fights between us, my boyfriend said he'd never talk to her again. Have you seen the movie "Little Children" ? (Actually, as usual, the book is better than the movie). I ask simply because your story is eerily similar to the plot. While not wanting to give anything away, the boyfriend (at least in the movie) is cheating with the mother of his child's friend Mr. Lucky
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