katballoo Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I gave him free tickets to an event I have a lot of free tickets to - a sporting game. He texts to see if he can have another one - haven't heard from him since he moved all his stuff out a week ago. I text back sure, - he knows my parents are going so he then sends an email asking if he can take them in his car with him. I say thanks. He says will your Mum be bringing all snacks like the old days - trying for a funny. I replied lightheartedly and he calls to see if I am going to - so he can make room in his car. I am friendly off hand and end the conversation first. Is he testing the waters? Should I go to show him how strong I am. Or not turn up. I know hes missing me. But I don't want to stuff things up. HELP!
amaysngrace Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I know hes missing me. How do you know he's not shmoozing you? Free tickets to sporting events may be the ultimate prize to men who are willing to suck up for them. The fact that he brought up your mum makes it seem even more apparent to me. Is it you he misses or the tickets?
sunangel Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Sweetheart he needs to work a little harder than that if he actually wants you back. You should look at why you even split up in the first place, and if it's even worth giving it a "second chance"........ You deserve the best, so recognize it! Take care
MaxFlirt Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Sweetheart he needs to work a little harder than that if he actually wants you back. You should look at why you even split up in the first place, and if it's even worth giving it a "second chance"........ You deserve the best, so recognize it! Take care I don't really agree. He needs to work harder? It's something. Not everyone is gonna move mountains to say they are sorry. I know the hurt person wants that, but it's not realistic. People don't work that way. Sometimes you have to just let go of things in order to have a fresh start. Look, the guy did put himself out there a little bit - making the room in the car. If she wants to try and get back, I think it's a decent start.
lorr Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I'm not getting the logic in this. Both of you are broken up, and you give him free tickets to a sporting event. If anyone is testing the waters I'm afraid its you. How does it go from giving him tickets, to you thinking he misses you. As far as I'm concerned making room in his car for both you and your mum, doesn't say much for me at all. Anyone can make room for someone regardless of whether they are travelling by plane, train, or a spaceship.
Lostandfound Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 All i will say, is keep giving the tickets and give up your soul. If you play hard he will see the stronger you, keep giving in and he will play you like a puppet. Sorry if it sounds hard, but when someone wants you back, love is such a stronmger emotion, pride will not get in the way. If he wants you back, make him work for it. Believe me if you get back together it will be stronger than ever, but it has to be for the right reasons.
MaxFlirt Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I don't understand all the replies of telling the guy to take a hike. These forums are great. And there is a lot of great advice that is doled out, however I just don't see how anyone here (who doesn't really know the situation) can say things like: "I'm not getting the logic in this. Both of you are broken up, and you give him free tickets to a sporting event." "All i will say, is keep giving the tickets and give up your soul." It's like wanting to be back with someone is completely taboo around here. I get that this site is mostly for healing and all, but in order for someone to heal they have to want to move on. If a person doesn't want to move on, who is anyone to say they are wrong for that. Sometimes love does win out. The guy is obviously extending an olive branch (yes he wants tickets but she gave up the extra one before he invited her in his car). Many here may say that's not good enough. Should he draw his own blood before it's acceptable? Sheesh. I'm not saying the extension will lead to anything, but you don't know that it won't. Now if there's a history of this dance then I think the comments are valid, but it didn't sound like there is this master game being played by the guy. Where he wants to keep her on a string. He might, but he might not too. Yes, it's a break-up. People can regret those though - on both sides. Yes both parties would need to resolve the issues eventually in order for it to work. You have to start somewhere though. Sitting in his car could be that start. I don't think there is enough information to say she should do it or not. Reconciliation can be a beautiful thing afterall. Most of us have had it. There's nothing like that initial high. Granted it usually doesn't last but at least it's an opportunity to try. "If he wants you back, make him work for it." That's kind of bitter. Again, he did extend the first offer. Working for it may be just as simple as eventually having those difficult conversations and working on the change. By pre-emptively closing the door she may never get that opportunity. To which I'm sure you'd say something to the effect of - "If he loved you he'd be with you". It's not always that clear-cut. Ideally yes. Love is complicated though. If his "try" is re-buffed, he might think that he tried and got turned down, so there's nothing to pursue anymore.
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 The guy is obviously extending an olive branch (yes he wants tickets but she gave up the extra one before he invited her in his car) Maybe he invited her in his car because he wants more tickets to the next event? I am usually not cynical when it comes to human nature but she's claiming that she knows he misses her. Could be but when she has a tangible offering to make to him that she knows he wants I think it would be irresponsible of her to overlook it. Especially if she is misinterpreting it as he misses her.
Lostandfound Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 It's like wanting to be back with someone is completely taboo around here. Not from this corner it isnt, I am all for getting back together with my ex, but only for the right reasons and if it is what we both want My point is that this guy is asking for tickets, and then given them, that is easy and while it continually stays that easy, nothing will change. Ok yes, he is trying, maybe, but when it comes to love and matters of the heart, dont pussy foot about, say what you mean or get off the pot The book, Who stole My cheese, springs to mind. When someone stays comfortable,(guy getting the tickets) they lose sight of what is going on around them, I know this more than most, and learned the hard way. All I am trying to say is , keep a litle bit of distance, and believe me it will work
lorr Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 [quote=MaxFlirt;1040152 It's like wanting to be back with someone is completely taboo around here. I get that this site is mostly for healing and all, but in order for someone to heal they have to want to move on. If a person doesn't want to move on, who is anyone to say they are wrong for that. Sometimes love does win out. Like what Lostandfound said you get back together with someone for the right reasons, and only if it is what both parties want. So I don't know where you get off saying that "its like a complete taboo around here". Maybe you need to open your eyes wide enough and scan this forum a few more times, before coming to that conclusion. Hypothetically speaking, if someone is being physically, emotionally, mentally mistreated in a relationship, they are being cheated on, or the relationship as run its course, should we not make every effort to move on from that, or should we all wallow in self pity until time stands still, because as you put it "Sometimes love wins out"?
MaxFlirt Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I agree if he was inviting her in his car to get the tickets then that's weak. However she already gave him the extra ticket. Done. He got it. He then proceeded to call her up and ask her if she would ride with him, so yes, that's an effort (albeit a small one). "Hypothetically speaking, if someone is being physically, emotionally, mentally mistreated in a relationship, they are being cheated on, or the relationship as run its course, should we not make every effort to move on from that" So is that the case in this situation? I agree with you. I also stated that we didn't have enough information to make a call on this. So are any of these the situation with the initial poster? You don't know, and I don't know. You still made a blanket assumption about it though, and doled out your advice based on this assumption. For all you know they are broken up because she was bad to him. "Like what Lostandfound said you get back together with someone for the right reasons, and only if it is what both parties want." Do you know if either of these are untrue in this situation? "So I don't know where you get off saying that "its like a complete taboo around here". " Where? Because I've been reading these forums and I love them as I think generally they are helpful, but it seems like the initial reaction around here is to tell others - go NC. As if this is a catch-all. If you go NC, and the other person made an effort, eventually they will give up. I know the hurt party wants some sort of grand gesture, but it's probably not going to happen.
lorr Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Yes I agree that the original poster who started the thread should go more in depth. So i'll leave it at that. Maybe you need to read more threads on NC, and you'll find that it works for a majority of people on this forum. NC for those, is seen as something positive. It is a way for those who have been dumped or mistreated to assess the relationship as a whole. This can give them the time and space needed to evaluate where things went wrong, giving them the clarity and confidence to successfully move on.(Nothing wrong with that). Relationships end for a reason, so sorry to be blunt but if some couples who break up,think that the relationship that they had previously was "so great" then they would still be together. IMHO I do not consider a few phone calls/text messages/emails, a walk in the park and crying fits as making an effort. I would love to know what you consider making an effort?
MaxFlirt Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I'm not being confrontational, just giving my opinion. Without knowing the story, I don't know what kind of advice to give. None of us should. That's should not be controversial. Asking someone to do something with them is making an effort. I admitted that this was a weak one, but it is one none-the-less.
Author katballoo Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I gave him tickets for Christmas before we broke up. I had like 50 freebies so he knew no biggie to ask for another. I guess I read too much into it. He cancelled driving me and my Mum. I guess he was testing the waters. He says its over. I also asked him about our trip to Fiji for next month that is non refundable, he says hell think about it over the next couple of weeks. Like maybe well go, maybe we wont, I guess he wants to keep his options open - he says it all feels pretty raw at the moment, and hes lost his best friend,and still loves me but doesn't think we have a long term future. So it really wasn't about what we argued about, but the bigger picture. I really hurt, going to stick with no contact (he called last night- I didn't pick up the phone - that was during the cricket). He still has a couple of things left at my place - so I guess I will drop somewhere we he can get them and just look to the future. It hurts but damn it I am worth it. We had a good relationship and I think I put in 100% more than him and he will miss me, (does miss me) so in the end its his loss, right? Am I convincing anyone? Thanks again guys
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