katty774 Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 It seems to be the story of my life. I married my first love only to find him abusive and after two years of abuse I left and filed for divorce. It took me a while to trust and love again but I did. My next serious rs was a roller coaster ride, ups and downs for 6 years. It seem to take me even longer to get over that one but I thought I was finally over it but I think I am still hurting some from it. Next serious rs lasted a little over 2 years and it was difficult bc it was a LDR, this one totally crushed me bc he called me two months after we broke up to inform me he was engaged to be married. I waited over 6 months before dating again. That leads to my recent ex. The significance of these is that I am always the one getting dumped so it is apparently me not them. I also don't think NC works for me bc I did the NC with the one that got engaged two months later. I am just lost and confused and unlike most of you on here I am getting older and now I am really doubting that there is anyone out there for me. I think I must be unloveable. I try to learn from each of these and reflect on my mistakes and I have actually tried to change the type of man to see if it is just my lousy choices. I just don't get it. I know everyone has their problems but if you read my post from earlier this morning you will see that I am feeling worse instead of better. I can barely force myself to put on a brave face at work and act as if everything is ok. I don't have any friends or family here and I feel very alone. I tried to see if there was any organizations, clubs, etc. in my town to join but believe it or not there isn't any. I would move but I actually like my job and my boss. I am open to any suggestions. I know that I am just throwing a pity party and feeling sorry for myself but I am not sure that my heart is capable of this many breaks. I was happy with my most recent ex and everything was fine until he took a job out of state. Now I miss him plus the ex that I dated for 6 years is expecting his first child in May and is getting married in July. I want to be happy for him and thought I was until I ran into him a few weeks back. He just kept hugging me so tightly and telling me how great I was, etc. Now I find myself down in the dumps over my recent break up and a old wound that opened up. I don't think I can take this anymore.
marc from MI Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 i know how you feel. My gf woke up one day and decided that she didnt love me anymore, after 2.5 great years together. This is the first time ive EVER been dumped. So now I'm 27 years old, starting ALL over, staying with my mom. It's incredibly embarrassing. I feel like a complete loser. so i know what its like... Alll I can say is that if you dont have anyone to lean on, try and talk with people in here to soothe your pain. I've got a few people on my MSN Messenger from LS, that talk to me every few hours. It's actually made me feel alot better about the situation. If anything there are people that will listen here and give you sound neutral advice. I would be a complete mess without them... if you just want to vent, you can message me [email protected]
notmakingsense Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Just some things to remember: 1. You obviously aren't unloveable because you have already been in relationships that involved someone loving you. This isn't about your loveability, this is about entering in to a healthy relationship with the right person. 2. You aren't alone. There are many, many people out there that have not yet found the one relationship that sticks for the rest of their lives. And with divorce statistics being above 50%, half of the people you think have found "the one" will be looking again in their 40's and 50's due to a break up. I understand the pain you are going through. Friends and family are so important to a balanced life. You are hurting and you don't have a support network. You mentioned that you like your job and boss, but if you truly are not in a place where you can find and make friends, then I would consider moving anyway. When you do find yourself in another relationship, and you will, don't ignore the importance of friends and family. Judging from statistics, those are the only two types of people that you can truly count on for life.
chryssy83 Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 You have been in a bunch of relationships--long term serious ones at that. Doesn't sound unloveable to me!! I felt this way a little, too...why is it ME who was dumped? By a guy who dumped most of his exes, too! Well, I came to realize that it may be because when I fall for someone, when I commit to someone, I MEAN IT. I would never have left this most recent ex, ever. Sometimes he drove me crazy or upset me, but I wouldn't have left him because I was happy and willing to do anything to make the relationship work. Just because they left you doesn't mean that you are the problem. I actually had a guy break things off with me once because he knew he would sleep with a pretty girl at a party he was going to if he had the chance...he was basically like "Look, I like you, but I'm not a good enough guy for you. You would never do that to me, and I was thinking today and realized I would do that to you, even though it's wrong and I know it." It wasn't a very serious relationship (clearly), but we didn't end it because there was something wrong with me. He has issues. Same with my ex now. I have blamed myself for fights and break-ups in the past. This time, I can't even blame myself in the darkest of times. I did everything right, I was everything he wanted. And life is just screwed up sometimes. Don't think you aren't loveable. You are. You have been loved by many and you will be loved by many. You'll make it through, and in a few weeks you'll start to see that the spaces when you aren't miserable are getting bigger and bigger until you're actually kind of happy again.
Author katty774 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 thanks everyone for your post, it does help to post here. I know it seems weird that I admit that I don't have friends to talk to but I really don't. I will definitely be emailing you Marc to vent, thanks so much. I guess I need to just accept that it is over. I can't understand why I have such a hard time letting go after a rs is over. I know it is important to have friends and family but I kind of drifted away from my friends a few years back bc I don't think they knew how to act towards me after my attack. As mentioned in a earlier post I was viciously attacked a few years back and I was so ashamed of what had happened to me that I avoided them all for months. For some reason I felt as if everyone I told about my attack that they would start avoiding me or worse they changed. I now know that the problem wasn't them it was me. I worked thru my attack with therapy and I feel as if I am a lot better but I have my set backs, until last night I had stopped having the nightmares but then last night they were back. I think all of the stress of trying to find a rental for me and my dog, my break up, etc may have brought them back. Anyway I just wanted to tell all of you thank you for your advice and help it is much appreciated. I am kind of scared that my spirit, soul and body may have come to a breaking point. I am not sure I can handle anymore that maybe my heart has finally broken beyond repair. Anyway thank you chryssy83, Marc in MI and notmakingsense for your replies.
marlena Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 You sound like a very lovable person to me ...the proof being as everybody so far has accurately pointed out that you have been in a number of long term relationships....but I do know how you feel because there are times I ask myself that question too..."What't wrong with me?".I have a fifty year old friend who has never been in any relationship..I suspect she may even be a virgin still...now imagine how unlovable she may feel...no, sweetie, the problem is our choices..our bad choices...getting involved with people who are unable to commit or have unresolved issues....don't doubt yourself but rather doubt the people you have been with....
Author katty774 Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 marlena thanks for your post. It is just hard for me to believe that it is them or that they just can't handle commitment when they seem to marry the next one they date. I guess maybe I am loveable but maybe just not marriage material. I wonder what makes someone marriage material and not marriage material. I am very independent and very career oriented and maybe that is part of the problem. thanks again guys for all of your post. it really does help.
marlena Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Yes, after all it might be that..I have often wondered myself...I guess we aren't submissive or docile enough. We are independent, strong, dynamic, opinionated in our professional and personals lives...and maybe that is what intimidates them.... My husband used to say,"Sudmit so things can go well with us"...meaning let me whore around, not pays the bills and don't give me any lip!" Who needs this kind of man anyway? Don't despair...surely someone will come along who will not only accept these traits but admire you for them. Hang in there and be hopeful!!
sunangel Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Dear Katty, I seriously think that you need to seek professional help. Therapy helps! I am myself starting therapy soon. you are obviously feeling very down and you need to deal with internal problems from years back. Though i'm young and may not have as much experience.... it's apparent to me that after your first realtionship each guy was just a Band- Aid to cover up the last let down. Everyone deserves to be happy and though it hasn't happened yet for you.... it will! I know how you feel and right now it seems hopeless. Pray and have faith! There is someone out there that was made specifically for you! Who will meet ALL of your needs. And unfortunately you have yet to meet him but eventually you will. Keep your head up and stop putting yourself down. I go through the same scenario and it's not healthy. Love yourself and realize that you deserve the best! If these men have only hurt you then why even wonder why it hasn't worked out. BELIEVE in yourself and BELIEVE that love and happiness is coming your way!!! Take care
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 sunangel you're so sweet and kind; Ms katty, I hope you feel better. Believe me, I know how you feel. Keep your head up!!
burning 4 revenge Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 SOme people just aren't lovable. If everyone was lovable the world would have too many people...
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Ignore Burning for revenge...he's angry. I agree about the therapy. It has helped me immensely. there seems to be a stigma attached to seeking professional help. Talking out a broken heart, or anything for that matter is a positive step. If you internalize the thoughts of being unloveable- that is the vibe you'll emanate to others. That will only attract losers and fend off the good ones. So many relationships fail. You're not alone in that! But you have to find happiness and confidence within yourself before you can be a healthy partner to someone else. Your happiness should not be contingent on being loved by another- it involves loving yourself and your life. I've had to learn many times how to go back to functioning as a happy, healthy independant person. When I feel good about myself, I date worthy men~ when I'm down, I accept losers. I think that's a trap we all fall into- we pick our partner's according to how we feel about ourselves at a particular time. Surely there's a gym, or a new hobby you could take up in your area? Never miss an opportunity to get out there and mingle... even if it's something new you've never tried. And talk to a professional- you're obviously really down right now, and speaking with someone who has the ability to help you help yourself could be just what you need to kick start your engine. Don't allow those feelings of negativity to overwhelm you. Contact some of those friends you left behind after your tragedy- reconnect with them....network. Good luck, D
Author katty774 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 I appreciate all the post. I don't have anything against therapy matter of fact I support it bc I work as a rape counselor, believe it or not. I know how does a counselor wind up so screwed up? I talk with a therapist on a regular basis. I started talking to a therapist after my attack. I already had my degree but decided I wanted to give something back after I felt better. Anyway just wanted to say thanks for the explanation D-lish about the anger. I will make an early appointment with my therapist. I have just felt so over-whelmed with problems lately and everyone knows that worry just causes us all to over-analyze or over think everything. I am just trying to keep it all together. I am just missing having my ex to talk to and that is where this board comes in so handy. I know I am not alone and I know I am worthy of love and deserve more than what I have been given lately.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I too worked as a counsellor (canadian spelling, lol) for many years- for teen girls in a group home. I think that sometimes having the ability and experience to guide others...doesn't always mean you are 100% adept at guiding yourself. I always thought that a good therapist wasn't one who gave advice- but empowered and guided the client to recognize their own tools and answers. I think we're often too close to ourselves to ask the right questions that lead us in the right direction. I think that because of your background as a counsellor, you have a better insight into yourself. That is why you are able to articulate your feelings so easily- it is also probably why you are being so hard on yourself at the moment. You're just too close to your own situation and self to gain an objective perspective- that's all. I have that problem all the time. You know in your heart that you're loveable and worthy of a good man in your life. Keep believing that! You know what I do? When I'm unhappy, I fake being happy. I mean, like an actress fake it. Faking it can help the facade come to fruition. I act happy, other people catch the vibe, and I start to believe it too. I'm a trickster... lol. keep venting! D
Author katty774 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 D-lish you have me pegged. I thing part of the reason I come here to vent is bc I spend most of my time pretending that everything is fine. I would never want any of my girls to know that I am falling apart.. they count on me to be strong and have the answers to all of their tough questions. Working with the rape crisis line and victims unit helps me give back for all that did for me when I was in the same situation. Now I spend my time reminding them how it is not their fault and to stand proud so I have to put a brave face on for them. Anyway I love getting reading your post bc you are always so full of great wisdom. I use this board to vent and type out the feelings that I am feeling and share them in a way that don't jeopardize the work I have done.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I've spent more time here typing to other's woes- rather than dealing constructively with my own. I like to tell myself that that behaviour is indicative of strength... but sadly, I think it stems from my own neediness. I want to be needed, probaby NEED to be needed- which is why I post to others. I have confronted that little recognition, which is why I make time for myself to vent in the process. I post my own little woes and situations so I can make time for myself too. Keeps things balanced- so I'm not just ignoring my own pain by replacing it with helping others only. I don't know if that describes you as well. You have to take time for yourself and address what's eating away at you too. The give and take is what makes us balanced human beings! You've had your share of tradgedy, that's obvious. But you're still here, and you're still moving along and making it through each day. You've drawm your strength from somewhere! So you know you have the tools to make it through a break up/rejection. What do you do to balance out your life when you're dealing with other people's tragedy everyday? I know from experience, that when you deal with such sadness and pain in your work everyday, that it can take its toll on the life you lead outside of it. I dealt with despair and misery in my prior job too- even working with abused women for a while. I didn't do enough in my social life to balance the despair everyday, and it ended up burning me out. Dealing with physically, sexually, emotionally abused and abandoned kids everyday really took a toll on my perspective of life. Now I own a bra store...lol! You must do something to keep yourself balanced? If you're not taking time for yourself- you should be! And if you're not, that could be contributing to your unhappiness. Sorry to ramble on and highjack your post! Hope you're feeling better! D
Author katty774 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 I never felt as if you hijacked my post. d your replies have helped alot. To answer your question What do you do to balance out your life when you're dealing with other people's tragedy everyday? I guess I get thru the day to day bc I know that I was once in their shoes. I know how alone they are feeling, the feeling of shame and also the denial. I think it helps them to know that I to am a survivor of a horrible crime. It helps the victims to bc they see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've been there, I know the stages they will go thru. I have a hard time sometimes leaving the job when I leave but I know that I can't take it home with me. It actually makes me feel better when I have helped someone. I am like you in the aspect that I get a greater feeling from helping. I guess it makes me feel better to be needed. I refused to work the hotline or the group and stepped down as a counselor when I was dealing with my own aftermath of the attack. It is important for the victims to know that they are not alone and the feelings they are having are normal. It can be a very lonely and long road to recovery. I just have to remember to leave the job at work when I leave, except for the nights I work the hotline. I will admit that some of the victims get to me and I do take it home with me but I try really hard to leave it at the office. My words are starting to make no sense guess its time for me to call it a night.
D-Lish Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 You're a strong woman! Wow. A woman with your character and depth IS LOVEABLE, and also worthy of great love. I hope you know that. D
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