Author CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 Am I? I see an issue. You are telling me that I am knocking women with children down and that's not the case. You aren't in my shoes and you haven't the faintest clue how I treat women. In that case, the issue is yours. You love with your heart regardless of who it is you're loving. If you love someone you love someone. Fully and completely. What do you think women with children do? Love with different compartments of their heart? See Touche's answer.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 CG i think you should do whatever you want. Well, I am basically going to keep my eye out for someone who fits as close to what I want, while NOT pushing out others who might be a good fit. The point of this thread was to find out if I was asking too much or doing something wrong. I think I've gotten some good feedback and some things to consider.
Lonestar Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks. Watching my family marry and divorce and remarry and divorce had a profound effect on me, I'd say. I can understand this completely Caliguy. I just didn't like the way you worded it in the beginning.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 I can understand this completely Caliguy. I just didn't like the way you worded it in the beginning. I don't think that everyone who marries and divorces made a mistake, it's just that my family is the main example I have had in my life and they readily admit they were mistakes. I know most people go into marriage thinking it's forever (I know I do) and sometimes things don't work out. The points I made earlier about being #2/3/4 in a woman's life (if she has kids) would put me in the back seat of a relationship and to me that's really not a good foundation to start a marriage on. So if I can avoid being put in that situation, I will. But if a woman w/children comes along and knocks my socks off, it's very possible I will change my tune. It just hasn't happened so far.
Guest Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Hey CG, I am 34 and have finally found "the one". Or better yet, I am finally am READY for the "one". When we first started dating I was finding that I had commitment issues that would pop up and that was when I started picking at things about him that didn't fit the bill so that I could make excuses to myself for why it would not work. Luckily I found LS and read so many helpful posts and have worked many of the issue out and things are going great. Here is what I have learned: When you make your list of the perfect girl, make a second list with a line down the middle. On one side, put down the traits that make the person who they are. These are the "NO CHANGE" items. ex. personality, thinking process, family values, their soul etc. On the other side, put down traits that are "SUPERFICIAL" - these items can change over time. ex. looks, preferences, job, money, ideals, status, etc. Be careful on the superficial side as it will take some real DEEP thinking on your part to unlearn the things you have learned -to clearly see the things which american society has said is important but in reality are not that important in the real scheme of things. By doing this, you have removed 75% of "criteria" which you have set up that are creating the barriers to you being able to see the right woman even if she were in front of you. The next step after you have found the girl is to teach yourself to give her unconditional love. Sure she is not perfect, but you love her for her core values. Those superficial things that bug you are not deal breakers, and with some communication, they can change (sometimes very easily!!). That said, this is the HARDEST STEP! For me, these are steps things to true love. Learning to love yourself enough to be able to be a GIVER (no expectations) and not a pretend Giver (one who gives, but also has expectations). Best of luck to you.
Lonestar Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I am divorced with 3 children and I didn't want to get involved with a man who had any (maybe 1). Don't know why, except for maybe that I didn't want to shoulder anymore responsiblity. I'm now engaged to a man with 4 children. He "knocked my socks off."
D-Lish Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I tend to avoid men with children too when I choose a partner. Only because the one man I did date that had children had an ex-wife that made our relationship a nightmare! She threw a glass at me the first time she met me. Just walked into his house without knocking, saw me sitting there, screamed at her ex, my b/f, and ended up throwing a wine glass at the wall, narrowly missing my head. And hey, they had been divorced for three years at that time... It just made me realize that I would be making a choice to deal with a whole lot of unrest if I stayed with him. So I chose to end that relationship. I don't fault you for wanting to be a priority in your partner's life. I want that too. Mostly because I've never experienced that. With my ex husband, I took a back seat to his job, with my most recent ex I took a back seat to his motorcycles, and the man before him was the man with children- whom I also took a back seat too. I think that when you go into a relationship with a person with children- you just expect to take a back seat...and you know you should! That's the way it should be. So, if you choose to search for a partner without kids- so be it. Sure, that may mean you'll miss out on meeting a wonderful woman because of that choice.... but it's still your choice. I'd still date a man with children, I just had that one bad experience that tainted my perspective. My best guy friend swore he'd never date a woman with kids, but recently he got back together with his highschool sweetheart who is divorced with three toddlers- and he couldn't be happier. So, you never know. When I married my ex husband- I thought it was forever... that was until he got a waitress pregnant while away on a business trip. Life sure throws you some loops! The next man I decide to have a relationship with just needs to love me in the way I deserve to be loved....end of story. I'm not settling for anything less than that. :-) D
In Liquid Wonder Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 So amaysngrace... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!1!! What part of Jersey is this?! I'm from the Far North (aka Sussex County), and I've seen nothing but cows, hatchbacks, and pregnant former classmates.
Porn_Guy Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 The next man I decide to have a relationship with just needs to love me in the way I deserve to be loved....end of story. I'm not settling for anything less than that. thats find 'n dandy D-L....but are you willing to do the same for him?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 I am divorced with 3 children and I didn't want to get involved with a man who had any (maybe 1). Don't know why, except for maybe that I didn't want to shoulder anymore responsiblity. I'm now engaged to a man with 4 children. He "knocked my socks off." Well, I think we're in agreement here. As long as socks are "knocked off" then it may very well work out?! Just checkin'
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 thats find 'n dandy D-L....but are you willing to do the same for him? Um, most assuredly so, yes.
DyingHeart Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Where have you been all my life, Caliguy? lol. I somehow came across this thread, and I have to say, I'm taken a bit back that you haven't found anyone yet. I'm 27, no kids, but was always looking for someone to start a family with and get married. Shame you're not in PA, lol. Don't worry, with your ideals and mannerisms, I believe you won't be single for too long
momadmac Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hey Cali Guy! I am from NJ and just got back from a week in San Diego for work and soooo agree! I truly loved it there! I started checking out this site about a month ago. Had a breakup with a guy and found lots of great feedback on here. Especially you... Anyway. From what I have read of your thoughts you do have lots to offer. But where are you looking? Bars/clubs do not seem the best place for you. Are you in any other clubs? Such as running clubs, etc? I know you said you have tried "online venues" . Have you tried match.com or stretched out of Cali? I agree San Diego is amazing...but other parts of the country are too and lots of great women are out there looking for a great guy like you. I am divorced, with children and 36yrs old. I think I am " the catch" for lots of guys...but not when you already have a " ready made family". So many guys find that issues. Just keep in mind that you are special!
shoesies05 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 it takes time, when the time is right she'll come along. You're a catch, and you're probably going to go through a lot of dud dates because im sure just about any woman is interested in you. P.S. > San Diego is AMAZING! i love it- and the people are so chill here, they're just different. Why not move here?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Thanks. I am really looking forward to moving to San Diego and starting a new life there. I've been in OC for so long that I am just soured on the people here and the "What can you do for me?!" attitudes that accompany them.
stillafool Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 This has been a long time coming. I haven't ranted in a long time but I feel the need to vent some frustration. Call it "cathartic" writing for me. That said: I'm a great guy. I have a great career, I make good money, I pay my bills, I am responsible, I stay in shape, I don't don't do drugs, I rarely drink and I don't smoke. I am not violent and I treat others with the same respect that I would expect to receive. I look young for my age and I keep myself in top physical shape. I am intelligent, educated and experienced. I am attractive (or so I have been told). I don't swear (unless I am extremely angry), I have a large vocabulary, excellent grammar, I have a lot of hobbies and friends. So why am I sitting here staring 38 in the face next month wondering "How did I get this far without getting married?" Sure, I was picky in my youth but I also was not ready to be a husband or a father at the time. I once had a woman propose to me and if I felt I was mature enough at the time, I would have married her. It's just that I was young (22), not established and not mature enough to handle the responsibilities. I did not want to end up divorced. For me, marriage is work and having seen my own family go through divorces, child custody battles, bankruptcy and more, I knew that I did not want to put a family through that. I have gone out on a ton of dates lately and all I am finding is DUDS. I mean, I know I am not perfect but at least I have my act together. All the women I have met lately have issues, real issues. They have deep emotional scars, they have addictions, they have really annoying quirks (yes, I have some as well but I do my best to keep them in check). They bring nothing to the table. I haven't fathered any bastard children. I wouldn't do that to a child or a mother. I've been ready to be married and have kids since I was 32. Six years later I am still having trouble meeting a woman who has her act together. Am I asking too much here? I refuse to "settle" and I guess if that means I am going to remain single the rest of my life so be it. It's not that I am looking hard for a significant other. I'm just looking for someone who is even datable. Is that so hard to find? Am I expecting too much? I'm not angry or bitter even if it comes off that way. Just more or less disappointed in what's out there right now. So that brings me to a question. Those of you who are in LTRs or married, how many "duds" did you meet before you met the right one? Maybe I am just not dating enough? Wow, Caliguy you seem like a jewel. Also if that is your picture you are very handsome. I have been married now for 9 years and yes I kissed a lot of frogs before I met my prince. I lived in Los Angeles for 20 years so I know what you mean about some of the people there. I am so glad to be out of there now. I had dated so many people who turned out to have major issues, who were superficial and the list goes on and on. One night I prayed and asked God to help me. I asked him to send me who he wanted me to be with because I could not choose correctly. Well believe it or not when I met my husband he told me he had prayed the same prayer. I did not meet my husband in church but have you tried meeting someone thru church?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Wow, Caliguy you seem like a jewel. Also if that is your picture you are very handsome. I have been married now for 9 years and yes I kissed a lot of frogs before I met my prince. I lived in Los Angeles for 20 years so I know what you mean about some of the people there. I am so glad to be out of there now. I had dated so many people who turned out to have major issues, who were superficial and the list goes on and on. One night I prayed and asked God to help me. I asked him to send me who he wanted me to be with because I could not choose correctly. Well believe it or not when I met my husband he told me he had prayed the same prayer. I did not meet my husband in church but have you tried meeting someone thru church? Thanks and yes, that's me in the avatar. I've tried meeting people through Church but I guess I don't go to the singles mixers enough. Also, I go to a very large Church so the women I would be interested in usually have 2-3 friends with them. It's kind of taboo to be hitting on a girl at Church when well, you're there to worship not get digits. lol. Anyway, I think moving to SD will do wonders. I know the lifestyle and attitude is a bit different there even if there are a ton of single military guys running around.
Mollyanna Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 OK, that's it, single military men are running around San Diego? I'm going THERE.
checker Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 LOL at this thread. Is this place a "personals" site these days? Caliguy, I hope you are hitting on these women via IM.
Author CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 LOL at this thread. Is this place a "personals" site these days? Caliguy, I hope you are hitting on these women via IM. Nope. I am being fairly passive right now, focusing on myself, my job change and moving. I've had little time to pursue any relationship opportunities right now. For most of my life I've been in the "Whoever I want doesn't want me mode" because I've been too focused on winning them instead of being comfortable and happy with myself. Now that I am where I need to be, I'm going to let the chips fall where they may and stop "looking" for someone. I'll let them find me.
alphamale Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 , I hope you are hitting on these women via IM. how exactly does one "hit on" women over a network connection?
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 CG - you know where you should move... north.
Author CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 CG - you know where you should move... north. Haha, yes but then my motorcycle racing would be limited to about 4 months out of the year. Not fun!
Motor35 Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Hey Cali! You sound like quite a catch! Do you like dogs? Noticed your profile says you race bikes. Ever participated in a road rally? There is one in Southern Arizona in March. I am running my tuned Civic. You should come down
bluetuesday Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 hey caliguy this is a pretty old thread but i've only just read it and wanted to make a couple of comments. first off, i don't think you sound like you're looking for perfection, being too picky or feeling superior to other people. to have no issues is a fantastic position to be in and i agree with all the other posters who have said you sound like a good catch. however, looking at how most people live their lives, there is a realistic possibility that you are simply not on the same level of emotional intelligence as 95% of the people you meet. back when i was dating, i got this a lot. i'd meet nice guys, sometimes great ones, but in many ways i felt like i was a thousand years older than them. i don't say that in a conceited way, it was just my observation that i could find no one on both the same emotional and intellectual level as me. i wasn't picky, i just wanted someone sane and clever and kind who knew how to use an apostrophe. IME, there's not a lot of that out there. in your case, to have been able to look at others' mistakes and been determined not to repeat them yourself, shows that there is already a large gulf between you and most people. the majority of the planet can't do this and are right now out there making the same mistakes their parents made, or the same mistakes they made themselves five years ago. to have not gone down that route is all to your credit, but it will take a certain sort of special woman for you to be compatible with. consequently, your search will be harder than other people's. i would still advise you not to compromise what you want. but she is unlikely to come to your door. 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears' is one of my favourite mottos and i've found it to be absolutely true for life as well as for dating. trust that when you are ready to accept a gift from the universe, the universe will send that gift to you. if you're single, perhaps the lesson you still need to learn is to be completely content and single. once you are, you'll have stopped needing to learn the lesson that being single brought and the universe can then deliver the wonderful woman lined up for you. so as ever, the answer is to be happy alone and remain open to any possibility, even one that comes in a package you didn't quite expect.
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