Time for a rant, CaliGuy style :)

[SmoochieFace]

I'm not trying to score points here and as I said, I have my own faults. We all make mistakes and I've made plenty myself.

 

My point is, I don't want to have to deal with other people's issues. Whether they are called mistakes or bad decisions or such, I just don't want to deal with it.

 

That's my choice and something I won't compromise on.

 

Perhaps some people do not wish to deal with YOUR issues. Have you thought of it that way?

 

I agree with CLIMBERGIRL... you seem to have a bit of a 'superiority' thing going on and, yes, it is generally unattractive.

[CaliGuy]

Please keep your eyes WIDE OPEN. Don't put blinders on. I almost rejected the love of my life because of my "requirements." It's hard enough to find the right person without limiting yourself. I'm not saying to settle. I really didn't. I just had to go through a little drama and lots of adjusting but in the end it was worth it.

 

It's really true what they say...good things really don't come easily.

 

I've definitely kept my eyes open. I have tried to date women with children and I've found there always to be something to keep the relationship from progressing. That's why I have turned my focus away from that and looked for women who don't have kids.

 

That's not to say if I met the right one and she had kids that I would push her away automatically. I wouldn't. Especially if she is the right woman for me. The problem has been and always had that I've been shoved to "low man on the totem pole" and that doesn't sit right with me. If I am able to make her important in my life, wouldn't it be fair to expect her to be able to do the same?

[CaliGuy]

Perhaps some people do not wish to deal with YOUR issues. Have you thought of it that way?

 

I agree with CLIMBERGIRL... you seem to have a bit of a 'superiority' thing going on and, yes, it is generally unattractive.

 

 

You know, I would agree with you if I had been crossing people off my list based on on being married and having kids alone, but that has not been the case.

 

Understand as well, I too am being crossed of the list of women as well due to not being married before or having kids. You have to remember that ideally I would like to find someone who has not been married of have kids, there are women out there who refuse to date me because I have not been married or had kids.

 

It works both ways.

 

It's weird because my comments look on the surface as if I am looking down on others when nothing could be further from the truth. That's not me and that is not my approach to evaluating a potential S/O.

 

WHO she is matters to me, not WHAT she is and it's that simple concept when I meet someone that determines if I am interested in progressing the relationship.

 

If you had met my ex you would have said "Dude, what did you see in her?" The fact is she had a lot of quirks and personality issues that normally I would have blown her off after the first date. I always look for the good in people not the bad.

 

I think that lately I have been paying more attention to red flags from being burned so badly and maybe that is the root cause of why I am choosing to walk away from women who display those big red flags instead of overlooking them.

 

At what point do you protect your heart from the damage? The scars are there, I freely admit that. I don't think they will stop me from loving someone and wanting to get married by any means. I think my boundaries are healthy (the good comes in, I block the bad and I realize things outside my boundaries are out of my control).

 

Again, it's not a question of me believing I am better than others at all. It's a question of working hard to make sure I have a lot to offer the right woman. Is it then unreasonable for me to expect that I would be able to find someone who also believes that of themselves?

 

I'm quite confident and secure with who I am. Why wouldn't I expect to be able to meet someone else who is?

[Art_Critic]

Understand as well, I too am being crossed of the list of women as well due to not being married before or having kids.

 

Great point CaliGuy....

[CaliGuy]

Great point CaliGuy....

 

It works both ways, Art. It's not just "me" rejecting others based on my criteria, but me being rejected as well due to the notion something is wrong with me for not having been married or had a family.

 

I've taken a lot of time to evaluate what I want in a significant other. I think it's important to know what I am looking for. How else would I be able to find it? It took a lot of self-reflection on my part as well. You have to know, love, accept and respect yourself before others will.

 

I've been very good lately about not "chasing" women who do not show interest in me. In the past, I would always want to track them down and find out why I've been "rejected." I've learned that someone who is interested in you, you won't have to chase down like a taxi driver on a busy Monday morning in NY, ya know?

 

I want someone who is as into me as I am of them. That shouldn't be an unreasonable request, right?

[Touche]

I've definitely kept my eyes open. I have tried to date women with children and I've found there always to be something to keep the relationship from progressing. That's why I have turned my focus away from that and looked for women who don't have kids.

 

That's not to say if I met the right one and she had kids that I would push her away automatically. I wouldn't. Especially if she is the right woman for me. The problem has been and always had that I've been shoved to "low man on the totem pole" and that doesn't sit right with me. If I am able to make her important in my life, wouldn't it be fair to expect her to be able to do the same?

 

You know that was my whole issue too. I never felt like I was FIRST with men who had kids. And I wasn't. I didn't feel that way with my H at the beginning either. And I didn't expect him to put me ABOVE his child but I wanted to at least feel like I was right up there. I admit that this was an issue at the beginning. He was GREAT when his son was with his mom but if his son was around I felt pushed into the background.

 

It was something we had to work on together...finding that balance. Luckily, we were able to do that. That's why I said, good things don't come easily.

 

If you find a reasonably level-headed woman, you can overcome just about any obstacle in your way.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you would consider giving a woman with kids a chance. I'd hate for you to limit your options like I almost did.

[CaliGuy]

You know that was my whole issue too. I never felt like I was FIRST with men who had kids. And I wasn't. I didn't feel that way with my H at the beginning either. And I didn't expect him to put me ABOVE his child but I wanted to at least feel like I was right up there. I admit that this was an issue at the beginning. He was GREAT when his son was with his mom but if his son was around I felt pushed into the background.

 

It was something we had to work on together...finding that balance. Luckily, we were able to do that. That's why I said, good things don't come easily.

 

If you find a reasonably level-headed woman, you can overcome just about any obstacle in your way.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you would consider giving a woman with kids a chance. I'd hate for you to limit your options like I almost did.

 

Thanks. Again, it's not necessarily me crossing them off the list as much as it is the feeling I am not important OR the fact that I am being rejected for not having been married or having kids.

 

I've just not had any good experiences with women who have kids. And I would also like to add that I have dated women from 22-38 so I am keeping my age options open.

 

Also, keep in mind I do want to start a family and most women my age are done having kids and not open to the idea. This is important to me and when I am talking with someone new and that topic comes up, I say it with PRIDE that I want to be a father some day.

 

It's then, usually, that I am rejected by women who have kids and don't want more or women that have no interest in starting a family.

 

Funny though, you'd think with all these women with their biological clocks ticking would be very interested in a guy like me. Someone who is ready, willing and able to be a good father and husband.

 

Maybe it's not God's plan for me to be married and start a family and that I am destined to use my singleness to the benefit of others?

 

Who knows?!

[norajane]

It works both ways, Art. It's not just "me" rejecting others based on my criteria, but me being rejected as well due to the notion something is wrong with me for not having been married or had a family.

 

I don't have kids, so can't speak from that perspective - my guess is women who reject you for not having kids are most likely women who believe you can't possibly understand what it's like to be a parent, so can't be sympathetic to their needs. I know I've read some threads here about single moms who are dating, and have problems dating guys who have no kids of their own because the guys don't "get" babysitter problems and how the kids' needs come first.

 

As to being rejected because you have never married, women might be cautious because a lot of guys your age and older who haven't been married are guys who have commitment issues or intimacy issues - issues that aren't apparent at first, but after being in the relationship for a while, the ladies realize he ain't never going to marry them or maybe anyone. And then they've wasted a lot of time with someone who is phobic. You can't tell the phobic and non-phobic guys apart, and certainly not by what they say.

[CaliGuy]

I don't have kids, so can't speak from that perspective - my guess is women who reject you for not having kids are most likely women who believe you can't possibly understand what it's like to be a parent, so can't be sympathetic to their needs. I know I've read some threads here about single moms who are dating, and have problems dating guys who have no kids of their own because the guys don't "get" babysitter problems and how the kids' needs come first.

 

I do get it. It's hard for me to progress a relationship when the time together is few and far between. I have a life busy life and finding a s/o isn't the most pressing thing on my agenda.

 

But if I can understand how the kids are her priority why can't she understand my need to feel important in her life?

 

As to being rejected because you have never married, women might be cautious because a lot of guys your age and older who haven't been married are guys who have commitment issues or intimacy issues - issues that aren't apparent at first, but after being in the relationship for a while, the ladies realize he ain't never going to marry them or maybe anyone. And then they've wasted a lot of time with someone who is phobic. You can't tell the phobic and non-phobic guys apart, and certainly not by what they say.

 

I don have any issues with commitment if it's the right woman. I HAVE asked someone to marry me before and as I said, I've been asked as well. I'm not a serial dater. I want to find one woman and settle down. I've made that clear.

 

And by the way, when asked "Why haven't you been married or have kids" I answer the with the same answer every time and what I said above.

 

I wasn't mature when I was younger.

I did not want to bring a child into this world knowing I wasn't ready for them.

I wasn't financially ready to be married.

I wasn't emotionally ready to be married.

 

I am ready now and have been for the last 4 years. My actions, especially with my ex, show that I don't have commitment or intimacy issues. If anything with her I was far too anxious to move the relationship along which basically turned her off.

 

I know in my heart when the woman is right for me and what I have learned is to "settle down" and not rush things. That will carry me the rest of my life.

 

Having solved the insecurities in myself and being extremely happy with who I am I believe has put me in a position to be a GREAT husband and father.

 

I guess I just need to continue to be patient.

[norajane]

But if I can understand how the kids are her priority why can't she understand my need to feel important in her life?

 

Oh, I think they do understand that you need to feel important and a prioroty in their lives. But they know they can't give you that exactly, because their priorities are divided - the kids come first. So, they reject you because they know they can't give you what you want.

 

I don have any issues with commitment if it's the right woman. I HAVE asked someone to marry me before and as I said, I've been asked as well. I'm not a serial dater. I want to find one woman and settle down. I've made that clear.

I understand. The problem is commitment phobes and intimacy phobes also say exactly what you're saying. The words are the same, often because phobic guys don't realize they are phobic and make dating choices that make it impossible for them to ever be with someone who is "right" for them. They've asked women to marry them who aren't right for them, so the women have said no. They've been with women who wanted to marry them, but they weren't right, so they said no. We can't tell who is phobic or not based on what they say.

[Porn_Guy]

I just go to a big church and it's hard to meet people, believe it or not.

somehow I find that hard to swallow....it doesn't make sense.

 

My mom had three kids with three different fathers. I had to deal with step dads who treated me like crap. I never even met my father.

 

Maybe that's where it's coming from?

most likely....you hate men and masculinity because of your past and you want to make yourself as non-masculine as possible to distance yourself from those step dads & your own dad. In your mind they are evil and bad....they are Satan incarnate as far as you're concerned.

 

Unfortunately women aren't attracted to men who aren't masculine.

[amaysngrace]

somehow I find that hard to swallow....it doesn't make sense.

 

 

most likely....you hate men and masculinity because of your past and you want to make yourself as non-masculine as possible to distance yourself from those step dads & your own dad. In your mind they are evil and bad....

 

Unfortunately women aren't attracted to men who aren't masculine.

 

OMG if this isn't Alpha I don't know what is! Alpha you are so busted!!

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I read the post. With that said, I just want to clarify the meaning of my original post. Didn't mean to write it as a form of backlash, or confusion to have made upon your well presented and packaged life-picture.

 

The mini-replies you made to my post, in itself, shows the point I want trying to make. You intensely, creatively, and accordingly know yourself -your life and the in betweens. You understand where you come from, and to some extent where you wish to proceed -emotionally and psychologically.

 

Being able to self-assess, criticize, defend, evaluate, and manage the compartments within one's personality is key into establishing and expanding one's standards and guidelines.

 

You have done just that, and don't expect a woman to come around debating your roots, and beliefs.

 

That is all. Think positive -a new setting may change your luck!

 

Good you responded, just reiterates the point in view.

 

I guess I just need to continue to be patient.

 

Yes. Absolutely invest in patience. Great joys bestow upon those who wait.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[CaliGuy]

Oh, I think they do understand that you need to feel important and a prioroty in their lives. But they know they can't give you that exactly, because their priorities are divided - the kids come first. So, they reject you because they know they can't give you what you want.

 

I understand. The problem is commitment phobes and intimacy phobes also say exactly what you're saying. The words are the same, often because phobic guys don't realize they are phobic and make dating choices that make it impossible for them to ever be with someone who is "right" for them. They've asked women to marry them who aren't right for them, so the women have said no. They've been with women who wanted to marry them, but they weren't right, so they said no. We can't tell who is phobic or not based on what they say.

 

Ok well I have no answer to that other than for me to commit to someone deeply (aka: marriage) I have to love them unconditionally. I've felt that 2-3 times in my life. It's not a usual occurance for me.

 

Call it phobia if you will, but I really need to be able to see myself with someone for the rest of my life before I could commit. It's not some kind of fear that the marriage won't work out. It's simply a matter of "Hey, you rock my world!"

 

That's what I need to feel, you know?

[CaliGuy]

somehow I find that hard to swallow....it doesn't make sense.

 

I go one of the largest Non-denomination Churches in SOCAL. There are a TON of people there, but you don't get much time to chit chat during a service, you know? People come in, they go, they have places to be. I'm in the singles group and when they have get togethers there are "clicks" of friends that hang out with each other.

 

I've been working on breaking down those walls and making friends. It's just harder than I thought it would be.

 

most likely....you hate men and masculinity because of your past and you want to make yourself as non-masculine as possible to distance yourself from those step dads & your own dad. In your mind they are evil and bad....they are Satan incarnate as far as you're concerned.

 

Unfortunately women aren't attracted to men who aren't masculine.

 

Umm, thank you Dr. Glover but that is not the case with me. I embrace my own masculinity and am comfortable being a man. I'm a former US Marine, I don't know too many Marines that are un-masculine.

 

Having never met me, to say that I am not masculine is a rather ignorant statement I'd have to say, Alpha.

[Porn_Guy]

there are "clicks" of friends that hang out with each other.

its clique, not click...

 

I'm a former US Marine, I don't know too many Marines that are un-masculine. .

Being masculine is a state of mind. I have seen many men who were in the armed forces get totally taken by women and they have no idea how to deal with women. Just cause you can drive a tank or jump out of an airplane or shoot someone with an M16 does not mean you'll be successful with women. Actually, many of these armed forces guys have below-average intelligence and to deal successfully with women one must be intellectually smart. I don't care if you have "abs of steel"...

[CaliGuy]

its clique, not click...

 

 

Being masculine is a state of mind. I have seen many men who were in the armed forces get totally taken by women and they have no idea how to deal with women. Just cause you can drive a tank or jump out of an airplane or shoot someone with an M16 does not mean you'll be successful with women. Actually, many of these armed forces guys have below-average intelligence and to deal successfully with women one must be intellectually smart. I don't care if you have "abs of steel"...

 

I'm well aware of what being masculine is and your assumptions are utterly ridiculous, alpha. What cave did you just crawl out of?

[crazy_grl]

Unfortunately women aren't attracted to men who aren't masculine.

 

I don't think that's a problem for CG at all. If anything, I think maybe he shows too much masculinity and doesn't show enough humbleness/sensitivity because he's afraid of being seen as a doormat after what happened with the ex.

 

CaliGuy, how often do you talk about your ex? One thing I noticed is that in the past you tended to talk about her a lot. Maybe less now, but I still see you mention her quite a bit in posts.

 

I ask because women tend to be turned off by this and/or tends to bring out insecurities in people, which may make them appear more screwed up than they would otherwise. Also, if you're still talking about her, maybe you're not as over her as you'd like to believe. Maybe that's having some affect on the women you're choosing. Just something to consider.

[CaliGuy]

I don't think that's a problem for CG at all. If anything, I think maybe he shows too much masculinity and doesn't show enough humbleness/sensitivity because he's afraid of being seen as a doormat after what happened with the ex.

 

CaliGuy, how often do you talk about your ex? One thing I noticed is that in the past you tended to talk about her a lot. Maybe less now, but I still see you mention her quite a bit in posts.

 

I ask because women tend to be turned off by this and/or tends to bring out insecurities in people, which may make them appear more screwed up than they would otherwise. Also, if you're still talking about her, maybe you're not as over her as you'd like to believe. Maybe that's having some affect on the women you're choosing. Just something to consider.

 

I bring her up on LS because it's the most recent example.

 

I haven't talked about her to a date unless specifically asked (ie: What happened during your last relationship?).

 

I'm over her, that I am sure of. I'm ready to date, to meet someone new and have been dating a lot. I'm just not finding someone I am really interested in.

 

Masculinity isn't my problem and I don't think opening myself up is an issue either. I do pay attention to my behavior in the sense I want to make sure it isn't coming off clingy or desperate (ie: I don't email/call after a date right away, I'm not incessant on emails - I do have a busy life and if I do email and they don't respond, I let it go.) For the most part I just compare my behavior now to how I used to act and adjust accordingly.

 

I guess what I am saying is a I am pretty happy and content with who I am right now. I want to be in a relationship but not with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.

 

I would say where I was a year ago and where I am today are light years apart. I didn't like who I was a year ago and I certainly wasn't as confident and secure as I am now.

 

A year ago I was a mess and I realize that. The great thing is I can look back on myself one year ago today and literally chuckle under my breath. It took me a lot of "self reflection" to get to this point.

 

If I am guilty of anything right now it's probably over-analyzing myself and other people. Ignorning red flags is what got me in trouble last time and I guess I am a bit hyper-sensitive to them.

 

In time I am sure that will diminish....

[FallenTree]

Good luck CaliGuy!

 

I feel as though I have a similar issue, although I'm 25 & not necessarily ready to get married. However, I've been visiting cousins lately & a bit sad to see a lot of them with babies. I feel as though I'm never going to get to that point.

 

I definitely think moving can help, if that's something you would to do anyway. I'm not familiar with Cali, but I know that when I moved, it was just an opportunity to meet a lot of new people.

[2sunny]

Just sit tight and let it be and happen when it is supposed to...

 

When you worry too much about one thing - it will never end up to be a good thing. If it is a forced issue - it will end up even worse...

 

Sit back and relax... pay attention to other women a bit when you are out and around - even running errands or at lunch or at the track... say something to them that is engaging and you may find some good prospects. If they are interested they will continue your conversation...

[CaliGuy]

Just sit tight and let it be and happen when it is supposed to...

 

When you worry too much about one thing - it will never end up to be a good thing. If it is a forced issue - it will end up even worse...

 

Sit back and relax... pay attention to other women a bit when you are out and around - even running errands or at lunch or at the track... say something to them that is engaging and you may find some good prospects. If they are interested they will continue your conversation...

 

Funny you mention that as in order to practice I have been talking to LOTS of women, regardless of where I am at, so that I am just more comfortable around them. I mean, at the line at Subway getting a "sammich", at the gym, at the gas station, in the grocery store. It's fun to make eye contact, give them a smile, say something funny and then move on.

 

It's not that I am so worried about finding someone, it's the fact that 38 is coming up soon and I'm wondering WTFrick happened to the last 5 years of my life and my goals/plans.

 

I think I am a catch - heck I know I am (without trying to sound arrogant here or without comparing myself to other men). I know what the cut of my jib is, so to speak and I feel completely confident that I will make someone very happy one day.

 

Whenever she gets here, that's fine. I think the wait will be well worth it.

[2sunny]

I do believe that you very well may be chatting with them as you go along... but those are the gals you need to take the conversation to the next level... without fear of any rejection.

 

Eye contact is a good start, but ask her for coffee or something if you have an exchange...

 

You seem a bit too anxious these days honey! You need to relax and let it be fun for both of you. Who cares if it's been five years... it could very well be fifty, but have a great time along the way...

[Touche]

Well, my H didn't meet me until he was 39 and he thinks the wait was worth it! So just hang in there. He never gave up. He dated a lot, had g/f's, etc.

[CaliGuy]

Good luck CaliGuy!

 

I feel as though I have a similar issue, although I'm 25 & not necessarily ready to get married. However, I've been visiting cousins lately & a bit sad to see a lot of them with babies. I feel as though I'm never going to get to that point.

 

I definitely think moving can help, if that's something you would to do anyway. I'm not familiar with Cali, but I know that when I moved, it was just an opportunity to meet a lot of new people.

 

Oh man, to be 25 again and know what I know now.

 

Thanks for the kind words!

 

And thanks to everyone. I am not anxious, I guess I just wanted to know if something was wrong with me that was putting off the women I wanted to be with and attracting the ones I don't.

 

I guess the new me is still taking hold so if I wait and be patient the right one will notice.

 

I'm not really worried, just musing out loud. Thanks again for the feedback!