CaliGuy Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 This has been a long time coming. I haven't ranted in a long time but I feel the need to vent some frustration. Call it "cathartic" writing for me. That said: I'm a great guy. I have a great career, I make good money, I pay my bills, I am responsible, I stay in shape, I don't don't do drugs, I rarely drink and I don't smoke. I am not violent and I treat others with the same respect that I would expect to receive. I look young for my age and I keep myself in top physical shape. I am intelligent, educated and experienced. I am attractive (or so I have been told). I don't swear (unless I am extremely angry), I have a large vocabulary, excellent grammar, I have a lot of hobbies and friends. So why am I sitting here staring 38 in the face next month wondering "How did I get this far without getting married?" Sure, I was picky in my youth but I also was not ready to be a husband or a father at the time. I once had a woman propose to me and if I felt I was mature enough at the time, I would have married her. It's just that I was young (22), not established and not mature enough to handle the responsibilities. I did not want to end up divorced. For me, marriage is work and having seen my own family go through divorces, child custody battles, bankruptcy and more, I knew that I did not want to put a family through that. I have gone out on a ton of dates lately and all I am finding is DUDS. I mean, I know I am not perfect but at least I have my act together. All the women I have met lately have issues, real issues. They have deep emotional scars, they have addictions, they have really annoying quirks (yes, I have some as well but I do my best to keep them in check). They bring nothing to the table. I haven't fathered any bastard children. I wouldn't do that to a child or a mother. I've been ready to be married and have kids since I was 32. Six years later I am still having trouble meeting a woman who has her act together. Am I asking too much here? I refuse to "settle" and I guess if that means I am going to remain single the rest of my life so be it. It's not that I am looking hard for a significant other. I'm just looking for someone who is even datable. Is that so hard to find? Am I expecting too much? I'm not angry or bitter even if it comes off that way. Just more or less disappointed in what's out there right now. So that brings me to a question. Those of you who are in LTRs or married, how many "duds" did you meet before you met the right one? Maybe I am just not dating enough?
norajane Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I'm 39, I am also a wonderful woman in every way, and I, too, have had much trouble in finding a man to settle down with. I can't tell you how many men I've dated from coast to coast - my job had me traveling quite a bit - and it's not easy out there these days. My SO for the last 2 years, is a friend I first met 20 years ago, and he is not the marrying kind. I don't know what will happen with us in the future... You do have to date quite a bit in order to eventually be with someone. There are many people out there, but sorting through compatibilities, neuroses, and stages of life makes it a challenge. You are not alone, though: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108520/
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Don't go looking for it...When people do that, it seems to send off a certain energy so just relax......The timing is right, someone special will pop into your life and you'll know it then.
fooled Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Yes, CG - it is extremely hard here in CA. More so than any place else in the world, I believe. Because of the entertainment industry, this place is a magnet for both men and women with emotional instability. Granted - your dates may not be in the business. But I was single for 5 years before I met my last 2 losers. I think I was so relieved that I met anyone with a brain, that I held on the way I did. I don't see how people meet and have healthy relationships here. I need to move.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 I need to move. I am seriously considering moving to San Diego. Every time I visit there I have a good time and the people there are so much more relaxed and easy going than the uptight people here in OC and the "what have you done for me lately" people in LA. I'm with you Nora. Trust me on that. I've avoided making mistakes but I don't think I come off as desperate. When I am interested in someone, all I want to do is hang out and spend time together. It's not like I am calling them all the time or anything. I need my "me" time as well, ya know? I have hobbies, a career and I love working out. If that is desperation then I am in for a lonely life
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Those of you who are in LTRs or married, how many "duds" did you meet before you met the right one? Maybe I am just not dating enough? Don't feel bad CaliGuy. I've been married and been in LTR and I still haven't found the right one. But there is always that glimmer of hope that they're out there. All I can tell you is to be patient. Good things come to those who wait.
Touche Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Well, I met my "one" when I was 33 after many dates and some bad boyfriends..all duds and even after marrying one who "looked good on paper" but was full of neuroses and was abusive. Just when I really was ready to give up, I met him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's a game of numbers. Keep getting yourself out there and eventually you'll meet the one. A lot of it really is just luck. But I'm with you. I never would have settled. I would have just been alone before I would have ever done that. Perhaps it's your turn this year.
KittenMoon Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 You know what I think sucks, CG? That you're obviously one of the "good ones" most of us girls want to find, and it's ridiculous no one has snatched you up yet. But I think it will happen, some day. (sorry, this isn't really much "help" per se...)
guin_girl Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I need to move. Florida is no better, trust me. I'm an attractive, hard working, intelligent, young looking 40 year old lady who has also been looking for Mr Right. I have not been married or had any children and the men that are out there that I meet to seem have so many entanglements. It's so hard to find a single male with no children or never married, that WANTS to have children and get married. I still want to be able to share those firsts with someone else. At this point, I"m looking for at least 1 of the 2 if possible. Although I hate the thought that I am second choice if they already were married.... but then again, they didn't meet me before they got married, so maybe I would have been #1.
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Florida is no better, trust me. You all should come to Jersey. There are tons of people in this state. Hey Fooled and CaliGuy...what's the deal with peeps from Santa Barbara? Any clue? My CaliGuy is on the east coast right now, Georgia I think, but he's heading north. Are the people there stuck up too? Just like to know what my competition is ya know?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 You know what I think sucks, CG? That you're obviously one of the "good ones" most of us girls want to find, and it's ridiculous no one has snatched you up yet. But I think it will happen, some day. (sorry, this isn't really much "help" per se...) Thanks KittenMoon. I do believe I am a catch and feel like I deserve to be with someone who is a catch as well (which is odd because my ex is by no means a catch other than her physical beauty. Inside she was as ugly as they come). Don't get me wrong, I am not desperate to get married but I do wonder what the heck I am doing wrong here because compared to so many couples I see out there who are dealing with fidelity, financial, drug abuse, physical abuse, neglect, etc I'm a freaking rock. I can't tell you how many men and women (married women mind you) have told me "Dude, you are a catch and whoever wins you is going to be damned lucky!" Well, I'm still waiting. Maybe I just need to throw more lines out? Can't catch fish unless you throw out a line I suppose. Thanks for your post. It made my day
climbergirl Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 This has been a long time coming. I haven't ranted in a long time but I feel the need to vent some frustration. Call it "cathartic" writing for me. That said: I'm a great guy. I have a great career, I make good money, I pay my bills, I am responsible, I stay in shape, I don't don't do drugs, I rarely drink and I don't smoke. I am not violent and I treat others with the same respect that I would expect to receive. I look young for my age and I keep myself in top physical shape. I am intelligent, educated and experienced. I am attractive (or so I have been told). I don't swear (unless I am extremely angry), I have a large vocabulary, excellent grammar, I have a lot of hobbies and friends. So why am I sitting here staring 38 in the face next month wondering "How did I get this far without getting married?" Sure, I was picky in my youth but I also was not ready to be a husband or a father at the time. I once had a woman propose to me and if I felt I was mature enough at the time, I would have married her. It's just that I was young (22), not established and not mature enough to handle the responsibilities. I did not want to end up divorced. For me, marriage is work and having seen my own family go through divorces, child custody battles, bankruptcy and more, I knew that I did not want to put a family through that. I have gone out on a ton of dates lately and all I am finding is DUDS. I mean, I know I am not perfect but at least I have my act together. All the women I have met lately have issues, real issues. They have deep emotional scars, they have addictions, they have really annoying quirks (yes, I have some as well but I do my best to keep them in check). They bring nothing to the table. I haven't fathered any bastard children. I wouldn't do that to a child or a mother. I've been ready to be married and have kids since I was 32. Six years later I am still having trouble meeting a woman who has her act together. Am I asking too much here? I refuse to "settle" and I guess if that means I am going to remain single the rest of my life so be it. It's not that I am looking hard for a significant other. I'm just looking for someone who is even datable. Is that so hard to find? Am I expecting too much? I'm not angry or bitter even if it comes off that way. Just more or less disappointed in what's out there right now. So that brings me to a question. Those of you who are in LTRs or married, how many "duds" did you meet before you met the right one? Maybe I am just not dating enough? That's a tough one. I have a friend in a similar situation--he's good looking, smart, introspective, funny, and has the balls to quit his very good paying job to go back to school. He's awesome and I admire him----and have NO IDEA why he's 42/never married/no kids. Like you, he has dated a lot and has come close to being married a couple of times. And, like you, was meeting way too many woman with way to many issues. OK-he's now with someone (for a year) who is, by all accounts, everything he's been looking for, and it's getting 'let's move in together' serious. But he's not 'in love' with her---and I know him well; he isn't going to marry this girl. My subjective opinion of his situation (and maybe it applies to you) is that he wants it all! Nothing wrong with that, but I think maybe unrealistic. He doesn't think he has high standards, but he does--which is evident with his dating checklist <G>. I'm telling you...the checklist is unbelievable!! So I'll just throw this ? out there.........are your expectations too lofty?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 You all should come to Jersey. There are tons of people in this state. Hey Fooled and CaliGuy...what's the deal with peeps from Santa Barbara? Any clue? My ex used to live there and went to College at CSUSB and Westmont. They're pretty similar up there to the LA Crowd. My CaliGuy is on the east coast right now, Georgia I think, but he's heading north. Are the people there stuck up too? Just like to know what my competition is ya know? Yeah pretty much, at least from my own experience. I've found the people in San Diego to be more approachable and down to earth. Maybe it's the water down there or something. Trust me, I've tried the personals but I've had much better luck meeting in people in person. My pictures never come off well and I look better in person. Plus, personality is something you can only experience in person and I tend to think I have an easy going, easy to like personality. I love people, what can I say?
2sunny Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Well - I too am here in so cal and find myself in a position to break it off with a really great guy... why? He's never been married and hasn't had kids... and wants both - of which I am already finished with... I hate the thought of hurting someone's feelings when they don't deserve it.... His lifelong dreams are not something I want to keep him from.... as much as he is a very good thing.... Sometimes I hate these tough choices....
amaysngrace Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Trust me, I've tried the personals but I've had much better luck meeting in people in person. My pictures never come off well and I look better in person. Plus, personality is something you can only experience in person and I tend to think I have an easy going, easy to like personality. I love people, what can I say? Oh give yourself some credit. You're a good looking guy. But mostly you are a good man. That just makes you even more good looking to anyone with half a brain. I've never done the personals. I'd be creeped out meeting people online but that's just me. Actually I seem to try to avoid relationships. I value my independence. Isn't it weird that when you don't want them they're everywhere but when you do want someone there's none to be found?
KittenMoon Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I can't tell you how many men and women (married women mind you) have told me "Dude, you are a catch and whoever wins you is going to be damned lucky!" This is the part that REALLY confuses me. In general, not about you specifically. What is that X-factor that makes it click? What is it I see in my married friends (not all of them, mind you)? What is that that my ex and I had for years and years, and why did it then go away? What is it that makes the difference from being a "catch" to someone, and being "the one"? I personally don't think it's singularly hormonal, or psychological, or behavioral, and that's why it's so f&$#ing hard to put your finger on... some people find it easily, other's difficultly, others never at all..... I think about it and don't get it. Isn't it truly bizarre when you think about it? No answers her, as usual, just musings.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 So I'll just throw this ? out there.........are your expectations too lofty? I don't think so. I can overlook faults. I myself am not perfect and I know how to love unconditionally. There needs to be a physical attraction but for me to love, there has to be that mental connection. Physical attraction might garner my attention but I need that mental and emotional connection that I believe I have felt only 2-3 times in my life. With my most recent Ex she wasn't perfect by any means and wasn't exactly my ideal fit, but I loved her on such a deeply emotional level that it's going to be hard to top that.
daphne Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Cali, I thought it was just tough for women. I guess it's hard to meet someone that has their act together. You've waited this long. May as well wait and see. But you have to meet a lot of people in the interim. Me, I while my time away with 24 year olds on New Year's who couldn't be any further away from what I'm looking for. Honestly, I think we are looking for perfect and perfect doesn't exist.
2sunny Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 A simple question????? WHY is it so hard here in so cal to meet folks of substance and values?
Author CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Oh give yourself some credit. You're a good looking guy. But mostly you are a good man. That just makes you even more good looking to anyone with half a brain. I've never done the personals. I'd be creeped out meeting people online but that's just me. Actually I seem to try to avoid relationships. I value my independence. I can't tell you how many women I have met that look nothing like their photo and have more baggage than the terminals at LAX. I bring no baggage, no headaches and my worst habit is racing at the racetrack - not on the street. haha. So I have a need for speed. If I got married my racing days would be over by my choice. I don't want to risk my life and hurt my family by crashing or dying. Isn't it weird that when you don't want them they're everywhere but when you do want someone there's none to be found? I think the opposite sex can smell when you are unavailable and want you even more. Maybe I should just make myself unavailable by not giving a crap anymore? haha.
norajane Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Have you done the typical, introspective, self-examination of what might be going on subconsciously? You know, fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, etc. - all things that impact our choices in dates and who we fall for. For example, I went through a time when I was only meeting and attracting and attracted to men who were somehow unavailable - they were age inappropriate, or geographically undesirable, or married, or emotionally unavailable, or thoroughly incompatible. And yet, I kept falling for them, and wasn't the least bit attracted to some other people who were right there in front of me and who would have been a better choice. After a while, I realized I had some fears of intimacy for various reasons and I'm working on getting beyond those fears. Still, my love is marriage-phobic, and I'm still with him, so maybe I haven't gotten too far in working through my own fears.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Cali, I thought it was just tough for women. I guess it's hard to meet someone that has their act together. You've waited this long. May as well wait and see. But you have to meet a lot of people in the interim. Me, I while my time away with 24 year olds on New Year's who couldn't be any further away from what I'm looking for. Honestly, I think we are looking for perfect and perfect doesn't exist. Nah I'm not looking for perfect. Not even close. Just someone who doesn't have major issues. Personally I just want someone who loves me as much as I love them. Is it that hard? A simple question????? WHY is it so hard here in so cal to meet folks of substance and values? Because they are owned by their possessions. It's about what are person is, not WHO they are that matters to people here. That's why there are so many failed marriages here. Too busy trying to keep up with the Jones' instead of meeting each others emotional needs. Money can't buy love, I learned that a long time ago.
amaysngrace Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I can't tell you how many women I have met that look nothing like their photo and have more baggage than the terminals at LAX. Personally I think you're going to have to compromise yourself here a little. I don't know what the age requirement is for the women you seek but you have to realize many women your age are going to have baggage most likely or if not some issues. Which means you may have to go for girls substantially younger than you and there might go your compatibility on an emotionally mature level. Don't sweat your age though. I was just visiting with the old surfer dude on the street we go to and he was saying his buddy just had a baby. And he has a two-year-old. The guy's 55.
Author CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Have you done the typical, introspective, self-examination of what might be going on subconsciously? You know, fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, etc. - all things that impact our choices in dates and who we fall for. Not a problem there. I was ready to marry my ex, she was not ready to marry me. For example, I went through a time when I was only meeting and attracting and attracted to men who were somehow unavailable - they were age inappropriate, or geographically undesirable, or married, or emotionally unavailable, or thoroughly incompatible. And yet, I kept falling for them, and wasn't the least bit attracted to some other people who were right there in front of me and who would have been a better choice. I want a woman who is available and I know what I want and will know when I find her. The problem is when I do find someone I am interested in they have issues with me (age, not having kids or been married). They look at me like something is wrong. I sometimes feel like I am being punished for making smart decisions when I was younger. I knew I wasn't ready for marriage and kids when I was in my 20s. I didn't want to bring a child into their world and deprive them of a good father. Why is that such a big deal that I am 37 and single and never married. It's not that I have never been wanted, it's that I was not ready when it happened. After a while, I realized I had some fears of intimacy for various reasons and I'm working on getting beyond those fears. Still, my love is marriage-phobic, and I'm still with him, so maybe I haven't gotten too far in working through my own fears. I don't have any fears. I'm ready to get hitched and live a wonderful, blissful, happy marriage. I want to have a family, be a good father and a husband. I'm ready for all that and have been since I was 32. I've matured a lot these past six years. I'm the most healthy emotionally that I've ever been. I just can't seem to find someone else that is on the same level as I am. I am NOT saying I am better that others, I am saying that what is available isn't exactly appealing due to the multitude of baggage and issues.
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Why is that such a big deal that I am 37 and single and never married. I'm 43 and have only been married once... Would you rather be 38 and on your 3rd marriage ? So what you have never been married at 37.. it is all in how you frame it in your mind.. Just keep plugging away ( pun intended ) and you will find someone to be with.. What would you do if you fell in love with someone who didn't want to get married ?
Recommended Posts