MaxFlirt Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Not really sure how to begin this, but I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I was dating a girl who had a bf. Basically I was a fling that went awry for her. She fell for me, and I really didn't intend for it to become a relationship, and I doubt she did as well, but it happened. Lasted 4 months. Not terribly long, but long enough for strong feelings on both ends (I do believe that as it will be evident in the rest of the story). Anyhow.... Her and her bf called it quits after 3 mo. I was pretty happy aobut that. However it's a doible edge sword. He played it well. I have to hand it to the guy. Basically walked away. To which she started pining for him after being sure it's what she wanted and to be with me. She broke it off with me needing the whole "space" thing a month later. Can't blame her really. It's a lot to take in. 9 years with this other dude - over, strong feeling for me. Let's just say I get it - to a degree. She was obviously confused. So I did the whole mistake of begging/pleading pushing her further away. I finally woke up and said we should work on our frinedship and I wouldn't pressure her anymore. Sheesh, how do I get myself in these situations? Anyhow, I did. So now 3 months after their breakup, they are kinda back together. I'm out of the picture so to speak (I see her pretty often as we frequent the same places, and we do meet up for lunch, etc. as she wanted to stay friends). So everytime I see her, we flirt like crazy. We both get the love feeling in our stomachs, she has said she loves me (though that's when I've cornered her in one of our serious conversations). She's admitted to me that she can't really get into seeing if it would work with her ex because she thinks about me a lot. Now, what kinda ticks me off is that I believe she's with her ex again because it's the easy thing to do. But she says she owes it to herself to see and if they go through the same crapola they went through before then she'll know for sure. Anyhow, here's the thing. We are basically restraining ourselves from being all over each other everytime we see each other (and yes I've called her out on it). What's my course of action here? Is this extremely unhealthy?
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Thats funny (not haha funny) because I went through something similar (kind of). This girl dates a good friend of mine (who also happens to be a terrible controlling bf). They date for over a year and are close but argue alot too. She leaves him and we start hanging out. Then one day we're kissing. Totally came out of no where. Neither of us were expecting to be together. We dated for about 4 months or so, and she would always tell me how she could never go back (or to even being friends) with him because he is such a terrible bf. Then one day she starts acting weird, and before I know it she's telling me her idea of relationships is skewed and she doesn't really want to date anymore. I tell her fine and leave. No contact or anything after that point. It's been about 7 months since then and she recently found me on FaceBook its (kinda like MySpace) and we're wishing each other a Merry Christmas and whatnot. She seems pretty open and interested like she was before we dated, however I have no plans to invite her with me to do anything. Apperntly, she hangs out alot with the same group of her ex's friends (although they are not in a relationship). What happens next is anyone's guess. My advice to you? The obvious. Get active in other things and keep your mind on other girls. Hang out with as many people as you can (without abandoning personal responsibilities). Basically do anything that won't make you remember her. Tell her you know theres a spark still there but if she doesn't want to move forward (because it sounds like you want to) then tell her goodbye. Short and sweet.
mav100 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I rarely say this... But in this case I feel I must. Walk away. Now. This can only get messy - really messy. Same crap I'm dealing with. If her ex turns out to not be right for her only time will tell. On top of that, what did she do when HE walked away? Moved closer towards him and "pined" as you said. See the kind of effect that N/C can have?
chryssy83 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I'm sure she would like to keep you both. It's always easy to think that things are different with you than with anyone else, but what you're seeing here is her character. Besides, if their relationship ends it should be because of their relationship and its problems...not because of another person. Back off and realize she's playing with someone here...
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I must concur that you're playing with fire if she is just getting out of/mending/whatever a 9 year relationship. She's in no head space to figure anything out. It doesn't make her a bad person or a game player- she's just obviously confused. 9 years is a long time. I dated, then married someone that I spent almost that amount of time with and when that relationship fell apart I was an emotional mess. I wasn't ready for a relationship after that for a very long time. Are you setting yourself up for a fall? Most likely. Be careful. She's not ready to have someone fall in love with her. I speak from experience here. Guard your heart.
Author MaxFlirt Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Well that kinda sucks. Good advice all around. Thanks for the replies. I'll give you my thought process on this... Yes 9 years is a long time. However, if after 9 years, someone isn't sure... well lets just say I am a believer that it won't work. In fact, I asked her if this made her happy, and her reply was - it works. I know I can't make her realize that this is a terrible reason to be w/ someone but at some point she'll be there (at least that's what I believe). As for me being the one breaking things up... well good point. I don't want to be that guy - and yet I still do (it's selfish I know). And yes, 9 years is long, but this goes into my theory on why some people get over a relationship sooner than others. It's not that another person is generally avoiding facing their feelings. I think it's a matter of how much distance and for how long the the 2 individuals experienced. So in this case, it was clear that she was checked out of her relationship when we started. She had been for a while. But anyhow, it's kinda moot since they are back. And yes, I have set myself up. However my heart doesn't agree with my head. That sucks.
Sand&Water Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 RE: You, MaxFlirt, have one thing right on bull's eye: 9 years is a long time. I believe you, badly -oh so heartedly, want to take a risk at leading the woman to the greener side [ -ideally speaking] of the lawn. And you and I know that is just so heavenly on paper but not in reality. The fact that she informed you of continued contact [i.e. she wanted to stay friends] initially suggests that she wants keep you as a friend [ -you must of have done something correct] and, at the same time, comfortably return to her ex-boyfriend knowing that both types don't mix. Not only is it going to screw with her head, but also incredibly hurt you. She won't be able to multi-task. Rather her feelings will only grow fonder. I really suggest you back-away, slowly. By this I mean, be there for as a simple friend [a voice] in times of need but firmly implant your boundaries and standards. She needs to figure this out on her own. Don't intervene. You are not there to pamper her or be red carpet for her to walk upon - No! Regards, Sand&Water
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Yes, after 9 years and she is unsure... that is indicative of of the fact that they obviously don't have a solid relationship. However, they have history. History has a way of confusing- it's familiar and comforting for many people. I'm sure your relationship provided her with something new and exciting- something she was missing with her other guy. But please don't cling to the notion that excitement can replace familiar. As I said before- there's just too much history to contend with. Its best to just distance yourself. Observe from a distance. She's obviously got a whole load of baggage to deal with.
Author MaxFlirt Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Sigh. As I said, great advice all around. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. "I really suggest you back-away, slowly. By this I mean, be there for as a simple friend [a voice] in times of need but firmly implant your boundaries and standards." I think this is the best paragraph I've read on this. Thank you for your insight. D- Agreed on the history. I can't even begin to "win" (if that's how you want to look at it) with that there. He's just gotta be out of her system completely before I can even begin to think about it. What kills me though is that the flirting is so extreme. I called her on it, but then again it's not like I'm not a participant. I need to stop it.
Lostandfound Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Remember some women sub consciously like the men who mess them about, my ex often said to me she prefered things in life that were virtaully impossible, than when things were straightforward. I am one of the most straightforward guys she ever met, and thats why she wants to remain friends, I must have done something right, Friends Forget our Relationship It Ended Never to be again Dont contact me again Sucker
Author MaxFlirt Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 Funny Lostandfound. Anyhow, I thought I would update you all a little bit. Today was tough. However, I think I finally came to the realization that I don't really want to be with her. It's because I can't be. If that wall were to fall, sure I'd be back, but I think shortly there after I'd lose interest. Why have I come to this realization today? Well, I've been thinking about some of the things she's said, some of her values, and even the fact that she's flirting w/ me even though she's re-committed herself to her ex. He can have her. He prob. deserves better though. That's my notion right now.... Let's hope I don't flip-flop tomorrow. Good night all.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I would'nt rule out that she could be the narcisstic cake eater type of female. They are good at manipulation, and tend to do the back and forth thing for their own reasons. Cheers!
Author MaxFlirt Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 Rooster, Thanks for chiming in. I really don't believe that. I don't think either of us intended for this to happen. I really think D has it right. She's just really, really confused. She needs to figure stuff out. I just can't interfere. Had an awesome night out tonight as I did think about her, but basically felt as if she wasn't the end-all, be-all. She'd be the first to admit to that that though. If I were to tell her that, she'd agree. In fact, I kind of think she's perplexed as to what I find so interesting about her. I once told her she was one of the most interesting people I've ever met. Well, I've experienced a lot in my time. She didn't see how. I still felt that way at the time. She's interesting and different to be sure, but I don't know if it's in a good way anymore. She can take her confusion and stuff it. It's not my problem - it's hers. (this is the anger phase isn't it? seems like I progressed past the denial one... interesting)
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