what2donow Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I told my H of 17 years about an EA I had back in September. We've both been to IC and MC -- helped me allot, but not him. Just this morning, he confronted the OM. Although my H says he has forgiven me, he hasn't. He has so much anger inside he's not dealing with. He told me that if he could think of a way to get away with it, he would have killed OM. I know he was angry and hurt, but still after all these months and therapy, to still feel like that? I've assured H that it's over and I'm trying to make things right as best I can. I just don't know what to do for him. Is this normal to still be so angry? The EA was only a couple of months, not physical, and I walked away. I've answered all his questions and talked openly about everything. What else can I do? I've been helped so much on this website and I would like for him to get online here too, but he's not the kind to take my suggestions too well. Ideas on how to get him here? I'm a little scared, not that he'll do phyiscal harm to me or the kids, but for his own mental stability right now. Any advice/suggestions would be sooo appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Tell him you love him and you're not going ANYWHERE. And that you'll do all that is necessary to make things right again. Not only in words, but in action, too. Keep going to marriage counselling too. And it is normal for him to be angry. Go do a member on search DazednConfused, Thumbingmyway. Their stories may help you see the other side and what your husband is feeling and thinking... As for getting him here on this site? Not sure how to go about that, but maybe gently suggest that this place has helped you and maybe it will help him as well. Only thing that could stop him though is the fact he won't have the privacy here...He'll figure you'll be reading all that he writes. Try it and let him know you're coming from a caring place and only want to see him get out the anger, get some help from all of us here. Good luck and keep the faith.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 A couple of months isn't alot of time at all for dealing with this. I would also think seriously about asking him here against his will, you'll feel terrible if it back fires. I have a friend who reacently found out about her husbands affair. I have wanted to mention the site to her but I know that she probably has a while until she can handle ALL that his has to offer. People expect recovery to be linear and it is not at all, it's circular or cylclical ... unfortunately. Hope you are able to gain his trust and respect again.
Moose Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Try to keep in mind that he's not mad at you, (totally).......he's actually more disappointed in himself.....treat him as if he's realizing he's not measuring up for you.......there's a big difference between treating an angry / hurt man than an insecure, (where he thought he was) man...... Did that make any sense at all???!!!! lol!
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Not a long time has passed since he was made aware of the EA. Let some time go by and assure him that you regret what you did and that you choose to be with him. Maybe he is letting his anger and frustrations out on the OM because he is not ready to deal with the whole situation.... maybe he was/is angry at you too... these are the issues he has to deal with. I am surprised that he says he has forgiven you already... it would have taken me at least twice as long to forgive... any type of betrayal is hard to swallow... but everything takes time.. good luck!
michelangelo Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Not just for him, but for you as well. If it is only since september when yo told him, he is barely there at all. Don't try to hold him to whatever he told you about forgiving you. His mental state will flipflop quite a bit as he reflects more and more on what transpired. It is your job now to do what it takes to make things better for him. he is not ready yet to forgive you.
Author what2donow Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 I too think he couldn't have forgiven me totally yet. Of course, he says that should show me how much he loves me! I think maybe I will hold off suggesting this place for now--it might be too much for him. Just wish he had a sounding board at the moment. We stopped MC because of his work schedule and he says he only went for me to get my head on straight. I think he would at least not feel so alone if he could read some of the posts, like Dazed and Thumbing. He still hasn't shown any anger towards me--all towards OM. But I know it's coming. Just wish there was something more I can do to help him deal with this. And to prevent the anger from destroying our chance to rebuild.
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 u shouldn't expect him to forgive the other - its you that is important. the fact that he hasn't doesn't mean that he holds hatred or vindictive thoughts about the other person - the important part is the two of u. i have never been in such a situation but i know how i would react and what i would expect. i can't speak in the voice of another because i simply would not do that.
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