Crimson107 Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I confessed my affair back in september. I have been able to stay away from the OW because it was so physical. I love my wife and I am still very ashamed that I let myself be unfaithfull. There was no good reason. It was exciting to have the secret but it wasn't worth the heart ache. She is trying to be forgiving. Lately, it has turned into a coldness to me. She won't tell me she loves me and it is hard to get a kiss. Yet somehow we can have great sex. Of course, the crash after is emtionally hard. All the thoughts of the OW come into her head and she can't stand me again. She said she's packed her bags twice or tried to take the kids and hide. God do I feel so much regret. I didn't know a person could have so much regret. I really do want to do what ever to fix the marriage. MC is hard for her. We have been twice before. The second partly because of her own affair. But I don't blame mine because she had her EA first. Her's was a one time. I have a month and a half of stupidity. I was just thinking with my penis. We were doing great in our realtionship. She had just moved to take a job and I stayed behind to get the house ready for rent. A internet buddy offerd benefits that I should have refused. I guess maybe I am lucky I was not emotional with the OW but I am emotional about letting my wife down. I can cry easy. So we got the holidays but we are so struggling with he financials. We have always struggled with 4 kids. It just takes a lot to raise your kids. The affair just makes me less the strength she use to have. She really needs it with all the stuff her family back home is dealing with. There is some even more messed up things happening to her sisters. Good bye 2006- you will not be missed. I try to look hopefull for this new year. I need to get finances better or it will cost me everything. The struggle with the affair is enough to make her not want to continue anymore. I just don't think divorce will solve much. Unfortunately, I hurt with her coldness to me. sometimes is melts but sometimes it is a cold wall. I suppose I need to give her space. She is asking for it in some ways to give her space but then demanding I do other things to show her that I love her. If I was wishy washy person before then I am totally lost. It is hard to be confident. Now, I am feeling unattractive to her because it might be percieved as cowering to do anything for her. What exactly is doing what ever it takes to make it work?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Sorry things are not mending so easily for you. This I can tell you though. The affair not only damages the relationship but also equally the BS as an individual. It can cause a major identity crisis, cause one to question everything around them and within them, and cause one to turn against everything that brought them personal happiness as well as to question whether they deserve happiness at all. I also know that in order to rebuild anything in the relationship that the BS needs to find happiness and worthiness within themselves (a foundation). The building of the relationship on a fractured foundation will never work. Maybe time is in order to accomplish this, maybe its IC rather than MC. I can imagine it's hard to watch someone vascillate when your life and feelings are also involved but that is the nature of the beast and the grief process. Read some of the posts of BS's here that say, my god, it's been over a year, when does this go away. I don't really have any response to the fact that she had an A first, I have no experience to draw on there. I would think it would make things easier to understand maybe but maybe not. Good Luck to you both.
WhisperingWillow Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Well you both need counseling, open honest communication, and it will take time. Time for both parties to heal. You mentioned she had a affair first? That has nothing to do with it. I understand you probably felt hurt from that. Are you saying your affair is justified because she had her's first? I think you guys have done great injustices to each other, and too bad there's four children involved as well. I'm sorry you guys are going through this but I think there's hope. Where there's a will there's a way. I would try getting some marriage counseling. You can get free counseling through Good Samaritans. You could also try talking and keeping the doors of communication open. Without communication then there's no way for it to work. As for her wanting you to do things to show that you love her, well that's normal. She feels betrayed. You can do things without having to go financially bankrupt. Try to remember times in which you've done things with little to no money. You can make a meal with candlelight. You can run her a bubble bath. Give her a massage. Just a few suggestions. Communication is key here.
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 How is she so upset if she had an affair also. My husbands the same way, I had an affair for 4 months and he is so upset, Its a year and hes finally getting better. What I dont understand is hes upset like your wife and hes also cheated on me. He went thru servere depression when he found out. Be patient she should come around. Were u as upset with her when he cheated on you?
Author Crimson107 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 How is she so upset if she had an affair also. My husbands the same way, I had an affair for 4 months and he is so upset, Its a year and hes finally getting better. What I dont understand is hes upset like your wife and hes also cheated on me. He went thru servere depression when he found out. Be patient she should come around. Were u as upset with her when he cheated on you? I think I forgave too quickly. I didn't ask for all the details she needed from me. Now all the details she got from me just serve as a way to relaps into ways I betrayed her. She can get down about everything. I just wanted her come back to me when she had hers. It seemed we bounced back from that. I have been to counselling once and plan to go back next week. I am going by myself. I was afraid to tell her cause I was taking time for myslef but she took it well that I meant it as trying to be helpfull. Sometimes we work but sometimes she wants to beat up me about the situation. Her affair was a few years ago. Mine was last summer. I think we still do things to hurt each other. This will be a test if she can ever get over it. I hope that we will make it to counselling together if we find a good sitter and can work it in the evenings. It is just such a roller coaster and nother is certain. I wonder sometimes if I am too butt kissing to her and she just sees it as snivelling. I am always saying sorry. She always says sorry isn't good enough. She has always doubted in love. There have been times before the affair she has told me she just cares for me but not love. We are in that mode for sure right now. I am just remaining hopefull that time will be on my side in this case. It usually isn't but I got to beleive in our marriage still. Thanks for your support.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 This will be a test if she can ever get over it. People heal and forgive at their own pace. Some make good progress in short order. Some take longer. And some never will. One of the worst things a former wayward spouse can do after a case of infidelity is to try to rush this process. It's scary for a FWS to be living in this kind of limbo and there's a certain amount of fear that you're never going to get out of 'the doghouse'. A FWS worries that the relationship will forever be a lop-sided one where he's unequal in terms of emotional needs. But... it's all a process, and only time will tell the full story. You've got to have patience if you're going to stay in this thing. Otherwise, your fears for the future will become self-fulfilling prophecy. I wonder sometimes if I am too butt kissing to her and she just sees it as snivelling. I am always saying sorry. She always says sorry isn't good enough. She's right. "Sorry" isn't good enough. You've got to find a way to prove to her that this is NEVER going to happen again. Words are just words. Actions prove the truth, but only over the course of time. She needs to see consistancy from you. There's no need to go around apologizing all the time.... particularly if it leaves you feeling debased. Your better bet is to prove to her in daily actions that you're determined to be a consistant and loving partner. Some days she's going to respond to that. Other days she's going to be too wrapped up in self-pity to notice your efforts. The only thing you can do is to try not to read some deeper meaning into everything you see. You know, I'm like the LAST person here who would minimize an EA. I personally know what it does to you when your partner abandons you emotionally. But EAs and PAs are like apples and oranges. They're both devastating to a relationship, no doubt about it... but IMHO the PA is additionally problematic in that it requires that the betrayed spouse come to terms with her partner's lack of care for her physical well-being. In other words, if you exposed yourself to potential STDs and in turn exposed your wife without her consent... you may as well have played a game of STD-Roullette with her very life. For myself, I doubt my own ability to forgive this kind of recklessness. I would view it as my partner not giving a rat's ass if I lived or died. And it wouldn't matter much to me that he was sorry for it. I think it's important that you recognize you're asking for ALOT when you ask your partner to "get over it". So, be patient with her. Do your best to answer her questions and reassure her. Let your consistant actions do their job over the course of time.
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 does she remember that she had an affair also? I remind my husband that he cheated also and all he can say is that hes not as strong as I am because I feel that I cheated too so who am I to get on him for him cheating on me. He is so jealous its becoming very annoying. If she doesnt love u why do u want to still be with her. Do u have any children?
Author Crimson107 Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 does she remember that she had an affair also? I remind my husband that he cheated also and all he can say is that hes not as strong as I am because I feel that I cheated too so who am I to get on him for him cheating on me. He is so jealous its becoming very annoying. If she doesnt love u why do u want to still be with her. Do u have any children? I don't really use her one night to justify my month and a half. I remeber feeling the hurt but can think of other things she has said and done that hurt me more. I really screwed it up big and have to accept that she may not come around. We have four kids. They help me keep her but it will not sustain a better marriage. I am here for her and can only hope it will come around. I just never knew regret could feel like this. My cat has been killed by curiousity and just want thing to be good again. Unfortunately, we have done swinging. I think that is the big reason why I let it happen. At the time is was a little secret that wasn't a big deal. However, it was pandora's box and unleashed hell on my character as a good man and husband. Sadly still, we are still a bit interested in the life style. Her particually in being with a woman. We really aren't in a good state to have that be healthy to our marriage. Now it just serves as more fear that she wants to hurt me with it. I feel she cares and wouldn't be that evil but I learned I can be carried away with the wrong thought. At first I just broke rules. Ultimately, I betrayed everything. I know I was wrong and just hope it can be saved. . .
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