Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I need an unbiased 3rd party opinion on this matter... My husband spanks our son in the middle of the night if he kicks/pushes him. He also has a tendency to spank him if he wakes up too early in the morning. He also gives him spankings in situations which I think are undeserving, i.e. Last night my son couldn't get comfortable on the couch and kept rolling around all over the place and I told him to find a spot and calm down, my husband kept kicking at him with his feet (not hard, but still kicking) and when my son wouldn't stop he spanked him and grabbed him by the arm to get him off the couch. He said he spanked him b/c he our son hit me (it was an accident). My husband seems to think that he is not overreacting/ overaggressive. But, to me, I feel like this is teetering on the edge of child abuse. If it makes a difference are son is only 3. Thank you for your time.
WhisperingWillow Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 In the bud. He's only three. Is he hyper or prone to outbursts? Spankings are ok in some cases but not like this. If this is truly bothering you then I'd suggest you do some serious talking with your husband. This is not fair to that kid and it will cause a lot of problems in the long run. If there's a problem I would suggest getting him some anger management counseling. If that doesn't work then you have the responsibility to protect your child and yourself. I'm not bashing you but a child is a precious thing and you don't subject your child to this kind of thing at all. I suggest getting on top of that and putting a stop to it. You have equal rights in managing how the discipline is dished out. Punishing a child for waking up early is awful. I would never imagine doing that. Some kids get very restless while trying to sleep or nap. My son does this. He will toss and turn and fidget everywhere. He is also very hyper, my son. So I would look into talking it out and telling him you won't tolerate it anymore. Also get some counseling and suggest counseling for him and if that doesn't work then I'm afraid you're going to have to remove yourself and your son from the situation. I would protect my kids over a marriage any day.
norajane Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Your husband is WRONG WRONG WRONG! I don't believe in spanking at all, but some people are capable of using it SPARINGLY as ONE tool to discipline a child. However, he is not using it as discipline - he is abusing your son! Spanking a child for waking up too early? For accidentally kicking or pushing him while sleeping? Why is your 3 year old even sleeping in bed with you and your H at night? Doesn't he have his own bed? In any case, KICKING your son is also abuse. Get your husband into some anger management and PARENTING classes, so he can learn to control his temper and learn more effective methods of parenting a 3 year old child. Your son is not going to learn anything but violence from your H, so stop it now. If you sit back and allow this to continue, you are equally responsible for the effects this abuse will have on your son. Whatever you have to do - even if that includes leaving your H until he gets some professional help - do it. This problem will only get worse as your son gets older.
The slayer Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Dear Guest, I think your instincts are absolutely right, what you are describing is abuse and your son is already learning that the way to deal with anything that annoys him for whatever reason is to use violence. Take a stand and make it stop now. Best of luck
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Your husband is WRONG WRONG WRONG! I don't believe in spanking at all, but some people are capable of using it SPARINGLY as ONE tool to discipline a child. However, he is not using it as discipline - he is abusing your son! Spanking a child for waking up too early? For accidentally kicking or pushing him while sleeping? Why is your 3 year old even sleeping in bed with you and your H at night? Doesn't he have his own bed? In any case, KICKING your son is also abuse. Get your husband into some anger management and PARENTING classes, so he can learn to control his temper and learn more effective methods of parenting a 3 year old child. Your son is not going to learn anything but violence from your H, so stop it now. If you sit back and allow this to continue, you are equally responsible for the effects this abuse will have on your son. Whatever you have to do - even if that includes leaving your H until he gets some professional help - do it. This problem will only get worse as your son gets older. He does have his own bed, which he goes to bed in, but gets in ours in the middle of the night. I told my husband how I feel about the situation and we have plans to talk more about it later. Thank you for your responses, I didn't think that I was overreacting, just wanted to get an outsiders point of view.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 wow, when I read the OP, I thought of child abuse!! A little bit is fine but not when it is over something small and your H is over reacting to it. Good luck!
JackJack Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Sounds like he is taking his anger/aggression out on the child for something that may have happened to him when he was younger. Theres something "triggering" him to do this, something that has not been resolved. Get him help, now.
memorex1970 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Sorry to say this but this IS ABUSE....totally uncalled for. This lad is only 3 for gods sake, this needs to be addressed as soon as possible otherwise your going to have some big problems! Good luck Nick
Moose Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Get him help, now.I agree he needs help, but I don't agree that it should be the OP to do it FOR him. What she can do is the next time she's a witness to this is to get her son out of that situation which is her reasonable duty. A 3 year old cannot stand up for him/herself to an adult. It's our job as parents to bring them up in a safe enviroment absent of the threat of bodily/mental harm. You MUST tell your husband that he's swatting and kicking is unacceptable. AND I highly suggest you do this anytime, and everytime you see it getting ready to happen. Even if you place yourself in harms way, it's my opinion that you shouldn't have any hesitation whatsoever in doing so...... Your actions, and the way you deal with this is what'll open your husband's eyes. Walking up to him when there's nothing going on and telling him he needs help is like pulling the pin out of a grenade.....you only have a few seconds to get out of the way.....
Jeffrey Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Spank a child and they'll grow up thinking that violence is a valid way to solve problems. For whatever good it's supposed to do, it won't do any good by the time they're teens anyway.
CynicalP Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Your husband is too eager to spank. Spanking should be view as the punishment of last resort. Only when all other forms of punishment have been exhaustive should you use spanking. Your son is getting old enough to start using a system of rewards for good behavior and lost privledges for poor behavior. This system works well and you rarely ever have to resort to spanking. Just taking away their favorite toy, or losing a treat gives them pause to think about their actions. I would remind your husband there are other forms of punishment that works better than spanking. Also remember that both parents need to agree on and be consistent with punishment.
The slayer Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 He does have his own bed, which he goes to bed in, but gets in ours in the middle of the night. I told my husband how I feel about the situation and we have plans to talk more about it later. Thank you for your responses, I didn't think that I was overreacting, just wanted to get an outsiders point of view. Well done! I wish you all the best if you feel you want to pop back for more support, perspectives or even just to offload, I'd suggest you register and pick a screen nme, that way people will remember who you are and you will probably get more responses.
justamom Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Well done! I wish you all the best if you feel you want to pop back for more support, perspectives or even just to offload, I'd suggest you register and pick a screen nme, that way people will remember who you are and you will probably get more responses. Thank you. I spoke with my H and he said that it won't happen again. If it does, then I will take my next step. I'm still not sure that he understands the seriousness of him taking his anger/aggression to such a level, but he definitely knows that I won't have it. I hope that he will do as he says and this situation won't escalate:o . I would like him to go see someone for anger management or something similar, but I'm not really sure how to go about it, as he gets really defensive. If anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.
JadeStar Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I spoke with my H and he said that it won't happen again. Thats pretty much a classic answer for an abuser, "it wont happen again." How do you feel? Do you believe him? Do you think after him acting this way for a while now he will just stop? That would be wonderful it it were that simple, but it seems he has some anger problems that need to be delt with, and I know you are aware of that. But sometimes even if he were to stop what he is doing, unresolved anger issues can manifest in other ways as well. It might go from what he was doing to something else, or what he is doing might get worse.
justamom Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Yes, I realize that. That's why I was asking for suggestions on how to go about getting him into some counseling. I know why he acts the way he does, his dad treated him the same way and he thinks that's just how you discipline children. When we spoke about it, it was apparent that he is angry about it, but still doesn't seem to grasp the fact that it was wrong for his dad to treat him this way, as well. I understand that is a typical abuser's response. That's why I said that if it happens again, I will take the next step. Which will be to leave with my son until he can get some help. My H is not really a violent person, but I think it's b/c he bottles everything up until something sets him off. THIS is what he needs to deal with. I won't have him taking it out on our son, nor on me. So, it's obvious further steps need to be taken to resolve this situation as a whole. There are other issues that are making this situation a little more complicated as far as me trying to help him are concerned. Because of the other issues, he thinks that everything I say in regards to our relationship is so that I can blame everything on him. Which, is not what I'm trying to do.. I just want to work on them so that we can be happy.
JackJack Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 That's why I said that if it happens again, I will take the next step. I'm not so sure you need to wait to see if happens again. It needs to be delt with now. However, the problem is, you can not make him go to counseling if he isn't willing to go. That is something he will have to decide to do for himself. Theres several things you might could do. Suggest counseling for him. You might want to go even if he doesn't, so someone can help you better understand how to deal with things. Or wait and see if it happens again , or you could always leave. I'm not sure leaving is an option for you at this point, because I understand he needs help with these issues. Just some suggestions.
Guest Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Thank you. I spoke with my H and he said that it won't happen again. If it does, then I will take my next step. I'm still not sure that he understands the seriousness of him taking his anger/aggression to such a level, but he definitely knows that I won't have it. I hope that he will do as he says and this situation won't escalate:o . I would like him to go see someone for anger management or something similar, but I'm not really sure how to go about it, as he gets really defensive. If anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. This is just my opinon, but personally this is something I would not tolerate. Its understandable if he is needing some help with whatever he is having problems with, I don't see it that its always a good idea for people to just up and bolt out of a situation without trying to work through it. BUT........ I would work through things at a distance for now. Meaning offer him to get help, let him choose if he wants to or not, but in the mean time you and your child need to go stay somewhere esle for awhile... Let your husband know you support him but you will do it with out having the child there right now. You never truly know how deep someones anger issues might go, and now that he is aware of your ultimatium to leave if it were to happen again, it could go either way..... he might wake up or it might get worse. I just wouldn't chance it... thats just me though. I hope all works out for you.
Guest Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 That's why I said that if it happens again, I will take the next step. I'm not so sure you need to wait to see if happens again. It needs to be delt with now. However, the problem is, you can not make him go to counseling if he isn't willing to go. That is something he will have to decide to do for himself. Theres several things you might could do. Suggest counseling for him. You might want to go even if he doesn't, so someone can help you better understand how to deal with things. Or wait and see if it happens again , or you could always leave. I'm not sure leaving is an option for you at this point, because I understand he needs help with these issues. Just some suggestions. Well, it does need to be dealt with now. But, I don't feel it's fair for me to just up and go without giving him the opportunity to make a change in himself. I know, it's not fair for him to treat our son this way, either. But, if it even LOOKS like it's going in that direction, I'm out the door until I see him putting forth the effort to make the changes. A little bit of background... I posted a few months ago looking for advice about me cheating on my H. It wasn't an affair or anything like that. I got drunk and kissed a guy that we both know. It didn't go any further and I immediately told him H what happened. He decided that we could work through this and that he would forgive me and we could move on so long as i remained NC with this person. Anyway, in the midst of our talks my H asked me what it was that I wanted him to change. I didn't even want to talk about issues I had b/c I didn't want him to think I was blaming the whole cheating thing on him. But, he insisted, so I told him what I thought. I told him I needed help around the house, I needed him to be more romantic/thoughtful, etc. And, just like I said, it turned into me blaming the cheating on him. Nonetheless, he started picking up around the house (yet, he still gets mad when he doesn't have clean clothes b/c he hasn't done any laundry) So, basically, anything and everything that I have a problem with now, is all b/c I'm trying to make him the bad guy. This makes improving our relationship a very tough task and I don't really even know where to start. Because I have a lot of things that are bothering me, but all I can do is feel guilty about trying to correct things. Why can't I just be happy. I have no problem announcing my concerns regarding our son, that's my job and noone (not even the man I love most) is going to hurt him. It's pretty apparent that we need marriage and individual counseling. I will continue to check this thread for your thoughts and advices. Sincerely, jam
The slayer Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Hi Justamom, Hope things are going ok. I admire your resolve in speaking to your Husband so quickly and making it clear you won't stand for his behaviour in regards to your son, well done. It's good too, that you are aware that you do need a safe exit strategy if it does happen again. I can appreciate how very difficult this must be for you right now especially given the underlying issues you describe. I think that your best way forward is to clearly separate the underlying issues and you husbands abusive behaviour. Make it clear to your husband that this is nothing to do with your relationship with each other, but about the safety and the future wellbeing of his son. Make it clear to yourself that this is not about you or your underlying sense of guilt over what happened. The essence of being to work through relationship problems is being able to understand each others point of view, it sounds as if you are better at doing this than your husband so try your hardest to communicate to him how you feel and why you feel the way you do. I think it's good that you obviously have a clear understanding of what motivates your husbands behaviour towards your son and a level of insight into how your husband thinks and feels but you must be careful that you don't allow this empathy for your husbands emotional motivations to weaken your resolve. If it happens again you must leave. Focus your energies of helping your husband to develop a greater understanding of when it is appropriate to discipline a child and to work out and agree an alternative method of discipline. Best of luck
The slayer Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 ps... It would probably be a really good idea to try and work to prevent your son from climbing into your bed in the middle of the night, as being woken up at night on a regular basis really won't make it easy for your husband to work on changing his behaviour and controlling his temper when he is annoyed If you are at a loss of how to manage this I'm sure supernanny can help! and working together to stop your son doing this would probably be a really positive way forward...... http://www.supernanny.co.uk/
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