Burried Alive Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I have dug myself into a hole deaper than anyone can imagine. 9 Months ago, I started having an affair with one of my bosses who is an owner of the company I work for. It all started with a night of very hot sex on an overnight business trip we went on. I was in a very unhappy, sexless marriage. I am 29 and MM is 44. I didn't really know MM all that well on a personal level before but I had heard many rumblings from the other family members in the business how awful his marriage was. One month later, I left my husband and decided to relocate my son closer to my work. The affair was all about the sex for about the first 5 months. I was basically getting what I had been lacking for more than 7 years. Then one night, we snuck away overnight and that's when I knew it wasn't about the sex anymore. The time we spent together that night was unlike anything I had ever experienced before in my life. Not only was the sex incredible but the intimacy between us was out of this world. I was sure that weekend that he was going to leave W. The next week, he pulled me into his office and told me that we had to end the A. The A was affecting him more than wanted and all he could do was think of me. I was crushed. A few days later, I told him that I wasn't ready to move on yet. Since we had already planned a business trip to see another of the partners the next month, we agreed to keep things going until then. And now, 4 more months have passed and my situation just keeps getting worse. He claims that he will never leave his wife. He says he has a great marriage and family and that he has sex twice a week with her in addition to the once a week with me. He does say that if he would have met me before his wife that we would be married today and have a great marriage. For the record, he married W when she was 8 months pregnant. He has never said he loves me but when I ask him to tell me he does not love me, he says he can't. He uses terms such as "making love" now when we have sex. He also says that maybe he doesn't know what love really is. He says he wants me to find a boyfriend because that will solve all our problems but when I talk about other guys, he gets very jealous and tells me that he doesn't want me going out with someone who isn't good enough. He tells me all the time how great of a team we make how well I know him in such a short period of time and how much I make him laugh. He really never talks about his marriage and says he doesn't want to but every once and awhile, something will slip. Like I said how he must be torn between us and he said it wasn't easy at all to spend time with me and then go home to her. I am SOOOO sick of the head games. Why can't he just be honest with me? I have been threatening to leave the company because NC is the only way I will break away from this. We currently spend about 15 hours a week actually working together so there is no way to get away from him. Unfortunately leaving the company will probably entail moving again. Everything is tied to this awful A - my job, my house, everything. I also think that people at work are starting to talk about us. I know that if this A comes out, I will probably be the one to take the fall since blood is thicker than water. Please help. If anyone can explain what is going on here and why nothing seems to make any sense anymore....
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I'm not sure what to tell you...but I think you're right that he is playing mind games with you...as a single-parent myself, you need to do something about this, you can't really afford to ruin your professional reputation and staying in this A puts your livelihood at risk... Have you looked for another job? I don't see how this situation can get better with you working with him, but I sure can see it getting alot worse... I feel really bad for you, but I think that you should either end the A and go NC or if you want to continue the A, look for another job...Too risky under the circumstances you've described... Good luck, whatever you decide to do...
IngenueMisnomer Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I sympathize with what you're going through, this is obviously a very convoluted A. Work-related affairs seem to be the worst of the lot. Your MM is telling you exacly how he feels, will or won't do but it seems like what he's saying is not getting through to you. When a man says he'll never leave his W, can't say he loves you, asks you to find a boyfriend is there really much else you need for him to say? Don't mind that he get's jealous, most men are territorial that's probably just basal instinct. I know how it feels to want to rationalize everything, trying to analyze why what he says doesn't align with what he does. Although my xMM and I never discussed him leaving I used to hope that he would eventually decide to do so prompted by our "strong connection" or "deep love" for each other. But when a man's in a stable, secure home environment it takes a whole lot more than love to nudge him out of it. Atleast he's not stringing you along with BS lines. If you're seriously considering going NC then you need to come up with a solid plan of action and follow through with it. The answers aren't going to fall out the sky, you have to be the one to come up with a solution. That's what I had to do. If avoiding him at work is impossible is there any way you can be transferred to a position where you don't have to work so closely with him? Otherwise you should start thinking about what your other options are. I really hope things work out for you.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 He wants you and his wife. That is how it is...If you want him, then you have to accept to be the OW in his life -Nothing more, nothing less. You deserve to be MORE than just that...End it with him because you're gonna get your heart broken. Not only do you have a son to think about, but your job, your reputation too.
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I have dug myself into a hole deaper than anyone can imagine. 9 Months ago, I started having an affair with one of my bosses who is an owner of the company I work for. It all started with a night of very hot sex on an overnight business trip we went on. I was in a very unhappy, sexless marriage. I am 29 and MM is 44. I didn't really know MM all that well on a personal level before but I had heard many rumblings from the other family members in the business how awful his marriage was. One month later, I left my husband and decided to relocate my son closer to my work. The affair was all about the sex for about the first 5 months. I was basically getting what I had been lacking for more than 7 years. Then one night, we snuck away overnight and that's when I knew it wasn't about the sex anymore. The time we spent together that night was unlike anything I had ever experienced before in my life. Not only was the sex incredible but the intimacy between us was out of this world. I was sure that weekend that he was going to leave W. The next week, he pulled me into his office and told me that we had to end the A. The A was affecting him more than wanted and all he could do was think of me. I was crushed. A few days later, I told him that I wasn't ready to move on yet. Since we had already planned a business trip to see another of the partners the next month, we agreed to keep things going until then. And now, 4 more months have passed and my situation just keeps getting worse. He claims that he will never leave his wife. He says he has a great marriage and family and that he has sex twice a week with her in addition to the once a week with me. He does say that if he would have met me before his wife that we would be married today and have a great marriage. For the record, he married W when she was 8 months pregnant. He has never said he loves me but when I ask him to tell me he does not love me, he says he can't. He uses terms such as "making love" now when we have sex. He also says that maybe he doesn't know what love really is. He says he wants me to find a boyfriend because that will solve all our problems but when I talk about other guys, he gets very jealous and tells me that he doesn't want me going out with someone who isn't good enough. He tells me all the time how great of a team we make how well I know him in such a short period of time and how much I make him laugh. He really never talks about his marriage and says he doesn't want to but every once and awhile, something will slip. Like I said how he must be torn between us and he said it wasn't easy at all to spend time with me and then go home to her. I am SOOOO sick of the head games. Why can't he just be honest with me? I have been threatening to leave the company because NC is the only way I will break away from this. We currently spend about 15 hours a week actually working together so there is no way to get away from him. Unfortunately leaving the company will probably entail moving again. Everything is tied to this awful A - my job, my house, everything. I also think that people at work are starting to talk about us. I know that if this A comes out, I will probably be the one to take the fall since blood is thicker than water. Please help. If anyone can explain what is going on here and why nothing seems to make any sense anymore.... I think he is being honest with you...you just don't want to hear it. He said he wanted out, he said his marriage is happy (despite what the rumor mill might say). If it is, then he is probably feeling guilt and of course having issues going home after being with you. And he said he won't leave. Believe him. And you will be the one to take the fall - he is an owner. As for advice - I would seriously consider finding another job. At the very least, be careful.
pureinheart Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Your sorta ex-MM sounds like the ex-MM I was involved with, to a tee almost....always confused, always changing his mind....well you have to do what you have to do....my prayers are definitly with you...(((((((hugs))))))
frannie Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I agree with those who have said he is being honest with you. He's said he is not going to leave, and he's tried to end it with you once. He's said he wants to to find a boyfriend, though of course this is hard for him. I think you are probably looking for clues for his 'real' feelings, which you believe are the same ones you have: the desire to end your marriage because of the connection you felt with this man... but he's not the same, and he's telling you that. I think you need to step back and listen to what he's telling you. Because he's being honest with you. Re-read what you've written. It seems that you're overlooking the BIG things he's saying, while looking for other hints of his 'true' feelings (e.g. the jealousy over other men).
cbl Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 sorry to hear that. i think other posters have pointed out very valid points. however i think some bosses handle this sort of things pretty well. i've seen a few in the companies i worked for. they don't mix personal feelings with professional life (i meant after the affair; not before or during the affair) as a matter of fact, two people i've seen took very good care of their gf even after the affairs were over. they worked together without problems for a few years. i believe it must have been very hard at beginning. but leaving might not be your only option. be strong. best wishes to you.
bonehead Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 this is why companies have sexual harassment policies in place and why nepotism is frowned upon. More times then not a work place relationship, be it an affair or an above the board relationship will have a negitive impact on the work place. Then the BREAK UP!!!!!! Ive seen some get very nasty.
herenow Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I actually agree that the MM is telling you the truth. I haven't read many stories here where the MM has the guts to tell the OW that he is still having sex with his wife and he will never leave. I even agree that he may feel that he doesn't know what love is. What you are describing sounds exactly like what my H did (except the, "He does say that if he would have met me before his wife that we would be married today and have a great marriage" part). At the time, my H felt that if he was honest with the OW, he wouldn't have to feel guilty about having sex with her. He felt that if she knew he would never leave me and that we still have a relationship, she would never expect more. He was so wrong about that. She did expect more and she asked for more and eventually, they got caught. I hate to say it, but you sound like my H's OW. She wants to believe so bad that he loved her, that she can't let go. I'm sure his marriage isn't as great as he would like to believe, but that's his problem and not yours. Every time you are with him, you are telling him that you accept his terms of the relationship. As wrong as it is, he has told you where he stands. This is a very familiar story to me and I would be happy to shed some more light on it if you would like.
Burried Alive Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Thanks to everyone for helping me see what I guess was there all along. I always tend to overanalyze things (which MM points out all the time) and you guys are probably right about him actually being honest with me. The truth REALLY hurts, though. I know deep down in my heart that ending this is the only way out. Whether that be by leaving work or staying - it has to stop. Everything just hurts so much and I am really tired of hurting. It all seems to come down to why on earth would someone cheat on the person they love if they actually loved them and were actually having lots of sex with them??? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I know I deserve more and need more than what he is giving or what he can give me. I just have to find a way to get here.... And yes, herenow, please shed more light. I would appreciate it.
NearlyThere Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Hi Follow this link to a prev thread. Look at the posts by JamesM, if you ever wanted an insight into a mans point of view, in answer to some of your questions, this is it. Obviously not all men think the same, but i'm pretty sure this is the way the majority of MM who are having an A think. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=107290&page=2
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Everything just hurts so much and I am really tired of hurting. It's better for you to hurt abit now rather than a really BIG hurt a year or two from now. Bottomline is, no matter what he feels for you, he isn't changing anything in his life to be with you the way you want.
herenow Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Thanks to everyone for helping me see what I guess was there all along. I always tend to overanalyze things (which MM points out all the time) and you guys are probably right about him actually being honest with me. The truth REALLY hurts, though. I know deep down in my heart that ending this is the only way out. Whether that be by leaving work or staying - it has to stop. Everything just hurts so much and I am really tired of hurting. It all seems to come down to why on earth would someone cheat on the person they love if they actually loved them and were actually having lots of sex with them??? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I know I deserve more and need more than what he is giving or what he can give me. I just have to find a way to get here.... And yes, herenow, please shed more light. I would appreciate it. Yes do read the thread that NearlyThere has posted for you. I think the answer to the question about how MM can love their wife and cheat on them is in your first post. They really don't have a clear definition of love. My H felt that as long as he provided for his family, he was showing us love. He was able to remove the act of sex from the feeling of love entirely. The OW provided something that he was lacking. In my H it was the desired to be needed and take care of someone. His OW happened to be very needy, so she filled what was missing. It's possible that a MM can be very happy in a marriage and even love his wife very much, but there is something missing and instead of discussing it with his wife, he finds the missing piece in an OW. Some men pour themselves into work, sports or alcohol. But in most cases, the MM is looking for something to make him feel whole. Some MM will say that the affair made them feel alive or young again. Some say that the affair was an escape from the reality and stress of life. Some just love sex and or the feeling of something new. The reality is, it's about how the affair makes them feel and most of the time they are only concerned with themselves. Now I know that there are always exceptions, but most of the time when forced to make a choice, the MM chooses the wife. We can go back and forth about why that is, but that's not what this thread is about. When that happens, the OW is left with unanswered questions (as is the BW). To her, the affair was reality and her feelings are true. She doesn't understand how a man can seem so sincere and in a flash be gone. The answer is that, to him, the affair was a band aid and not a true fix for his problems. I can't begin to tell you why your MM did what he did, but I can assure you that he has problems in his marriage. If it was as perfect as he says, he would not be having an affair in the first place. He needs to face his true problems with his wife. But, that's not anything that you should have to think about. You need to move on with your life and let him deal with his issues himself. Consider yourself lucky that he has been honest with you about his intentions in your affair. Many women here have had promises broken and MM lie to them at every turn.
puddleofmud Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Herenow has it the proverbial nail squarely on the head! I read her post over and over and can see so much of myself and my past situation w/ a MM in her reply!!! I do hope the best for you and am so sorry that you are struggling but YOU have a family as well with your child and a good job that you have EARNED and may needn't give up due to a mistake. There are others on this forum who also have broken up w/ MM that are at the same place of employment. You have supporters on this forum that will be happy to help so stay in touch and stay strong!
lawyer83 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Buried Alive, I hope you find the inner strength to move on from this awful situation. Always remember that you deserve love and respect from the man in your life. If this man isn't capable of meeting your emotional needs, then he doesn't deserve you.
umbo Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Dear stop waisting your life at 29 y/o you have used 10,585 days you only get 36,000 days Days you have left here on earth are approximatly 25,415 days. Use your last 25000 days on earth doing something worth while and not F ing a married man with kids. Your boss has used you like toliet paper. You are the most beatuiful,strongest and smartest you are ever going to be at this time in your life. Don't give all you have to offer to a married pervert
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 It all seems to come down to why on earth would someone cheat on the person they love if they actually loved them and were actually having lots of sex with them??? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I know I deserve more and need more than what he is giving or what he can give me. I just have to find a way to get here.... And yes, herenow, please shed more light. I would appreciate it. You said in your first post that he says "maybe he doesn't know what love really is"... presumably that was in answer to your question to him... how can he really love her and have an affair? Well, one thing I would say is that he just wanted sex initially, or that the opportunity presented itself during that business trip. As soon as he felt more happening, he tried to break things off with you. That speaks volumes about him and what he wants. No real involvement with you... but it's getting sticky your end and perhaps his also. But that doesn't change the essence of what he's told you. He has a good marriage, a good family, a sex life with his wife, and he's happy. All you are doing is presenting a little more on the side of this for him. He's a man who has most of everything he wants, and this is just a little bit more for him. Perhaps he doesn't love his wife in that all-consuming way that many people have when they first meet (and some people even continue throughout their relationship), but that doesn't mean it's not love. Not everyone loves in the same way, or needs or wants that kind of love. All you can do is accept that this is how he feels. Even if he fell in love with you totally, he doesn't sound like the kind of man who would leave what he has for romantic love. He has what he wants, whether it's the kind of love you understand or would want in your life with your spouse or not. You do deserve more than you can ever have with him, and you know that, and want more... and that's great. It's also very fortunate that he's been honest, and also encouraged you to date others. Some people get involved with MM who lead them on and won't let them go... it might feel bad at the moment, but ultimately you can get through this.
scaredinlove Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Men usually wont follow thir herats but their minds, they have being trained to ignore their feelings.So even if you thing he really loves you, forget about it, he won't leave his family for him. I am ending a affair, MM says he loves me but what I understood is that his mind tells him he has to stay with his W even though he has never being happy, it i not ego it is only years of training how not to follow your heart. Move on before you get more involved.It is though but possible . Good luck.
Burried Alive Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Well, today I seen MM for the first time in 2 weeks because of the xmas holidays and a tragedy in his family. I knew he was coming to work for a few hours because he sent me a message last night. So, I had time to prepare myself. In the past few days, I have been doing very well, thanks to your input, advice and support. I couldn't avoid him which would have been my #1 course of action. He was at work for about 10 minutes when he came into my office asking to talk about work stuff. We spent about 30 minutes together and then he left. I felt very strong. I figure I have two options at this point. #1 - accept the relationship the way it is, under his terms or #2 - stop it and find the strength to move on. I have finally accepted that there is no more #3 (MM leave W to be with me). This is a big step. So, I have the next few days before I see him again to make my choice. My head knows exactly what I need to do, I just have to make my heart believe it too. Thanks again to everyone! Finding this website has definitely had a positive impact on me and has lessened the hurt just a little bit!!!
herenow Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Well, today I seen MM for the first time in 2 weeks because of the xmas holidays and a tragedy in his family. I knew he was coming to work for a few hours because he sent me a message last night. So, I had time to prepare myself. In the past few days, I have been doing very well, thanks to your input, advice and support. I couldn't avoid him which would have been my #1 course of action. He was at work for about 10 minutes when he came into my office asking to talk about work stuff. We spent about 30 minutes together and then he left. I felt very strong. I figure I have two options at this point. #1 - accept the relationship the way it is, under his terms or #2 - stop it and find the strength to move on. I have finally accepted that there is no more #3 (MM leave W to be with me). This is a big step. So, I have the next few days before I see him again to make my choice. My head knows exactly what I need to do, I just have to make my heart believe it too. Thanks again to everyone! Finding this website has definitely had a positive impact on me and has lessened the hurt just a little bit!!! You only have control over #1 and #2. He has already told you that #3 is not an option.
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