Is this inappropriate behavior with ex-girlfriend?

[Guest]

First up, let me just say that I have big issues with jealousy. I recognise this is a problem for me, and I've just started getting counselling so I can work on it. **BUT**.... my b/f and I seem to have big differences of opinion when it comes to ex-partners. I don't have any contact with mine. They are in the past, as far as I'm concerned. My b/f however, likes to maintain some fairly limited contact with one of his exes.

 

I suppose I can learn to live with this over time. They probably see each other a few times a year. There's no crazy texting or emailing or anything like that. We've been going out for nearly 1 year, he has told me he doesn't want to be with either of them, and that he sees a future for us together. Still, I can't get his ex out of my head. There's two issues in particular that really bother me.

 

Firstly, he has a picture of her, who he split up with three years ago, on his mantlepiece. Secondly, this same ex recently sent him a Xmas card, with a fairly ordinary kind of message inside, but signed it "Lots of love" and then followed it with "xxxxx" (that's more xxx than I put on MY Xmas card to him!!). He assures me he is just friends with her, and that he has his picture on his mantlepiece because he's got lots of other pictures up there (in reality, the other ones are just of his family).

 

This hurts me so much, and I don't know if I should demand that he take down the photo. I haven't confronted him about the Xmas card yet. Because I admit that I have jealousy issues, I really don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

 

Please - your thoughts and advice? About the photo? And the Xmas card? What should be the limits of appropriate behavior? Has he or his ex stepped over the line here? Is it ok to write "lots of love" and put "xxxxx" on a letter or card to your ex??

[IpAncA]

Well I don't like the idea of them being friends like that (some will disagree) and I don't like the idea of him having a picture of her on his mantel. Does he have one of you?

 

And yes IMO she has stepped over the line with the "lots of love" thing. Does she know about you by any chance?

 

Sounds to me like they are friends but they still have some sort of a connection because usually exs are just that, exs.

[Guest]

I don't know if he can help it if she signs cards that way or not, the good news is you are on to it-- but he can help the fact that a picture of them is up on the mantel. After one year, you definitely have the right to tell him it makes you uncomfortable, and to please take it down.

 

How long had it been up? Heck, I do not call that a jealousy issue, I get jealous of the items of cloting my boyfriend had kept as presents from exes long gone, but they are wearable clothes, I just try to replace them with new gifts from me so they eventually get retired from his wardrobe (heehee) --but seriously, the picture should have come down the 1st week you guys were dating...... get it down and hidden far far away. You are his priority, he should not have old pictures up, that is a big no no. It is a matter of decorum and respect.

 

It may be good to have a talk about what is acceptable to you and to him. The best advice I ever received was on here, it was "doing nothing will most assuredly bring the end of the relationship, your only choice is to fight the battle until you can both reach a good conclusion or your only choices are unhappiness and resentment, don't you want to at least know you tried to be heard? You have a right to speak up for whatever makes you uncomfortable. "

[Butterflying]

It's always a bad sign when ex's still contact each other without children or legal connections. But the most important thing is the frequency of communication between them. If it's limited to only holiday and birthday cards, you shouldn't worry about it. IMO, anything more than a simple card twice a year (regardless of how they sign it) is too close for comfort.

 

I once dated a guy who's XGF sent him "Thinking of You" greeting cards once a month. They talked on the phone at least once a week. And probably emailed each other from work every day. She always signed her cards with XOXO, and mentioned how she missed the time when things were easier between them. THAT was a problem. And we broke up when I got tired of accpeting, and respecting their relationship.

[Guest]

Thanks IpAncA, I don't know if she knows about me. They share a couple of mutual friends, so I guess she probably does. In that case, decency should have told her that all those "xxxxx" are inappropriate - unless she's feeling unhappy that he's moved on and is trying to send me/him a message?

 

Guest, you are right, I can't personally blame him for the way she signed a card. Unfortunately it's raised doubts in my mind about what he writes in HER Xmas or birthday cards.

 

Butterflying, your experience was awful - I don't think I could have managed to cope with that one!! But even if the cards are limited to only a couple a year, she is still trying to maintain a loving and romantic connection with him which, IMO, is really wrong, and really hurtful.

I've tried discussing this issue of the ex before, because he also tends to talk about her a lot, and it drives me insane.

 

We've had two conversations - one where he just got extremely angry and defensive and we almost broke up over it, the other was calmer, and he said that he only talks about her b/c she's the relatively recent past. Nothing more than that, and he doesn't want to be with her. On some level I can accept that. There are signs though, on some other level, that he DOES want to be with her.

 

As for the picture, yes, it needs to go, and I'm glad you all think it's not right for him to have it there. Because of my jealousy issues, it's hard for me to know sometimes what's appropriate and what's not. I will have to think carefully about how I ask him to take it down, though. Believe me, he will start talking about how I'm wanting to control him, and how I'm too insecure, etc etc. (I've got a jealousy problem, but he's got one with control. Perhaps not a good combo!)

[IpAncA]

Thanks IpAncA, I don't know if she knows about me. They share a couple of mutual friends, so I guess she probably does. In that case, decency should have told her that all those "xxxxx" are inappropriate - unless she's feeling unhappy that he's moved on and is trying to send me/him a message?

 

I've tried discussing this issue of the ex before, because he also tends to talk about her a lot, and it drives me insane.

 

We've had two conversations - one where he just got extremely angry and defensive and we almost broke up over it, the other was calmer, and he said that he only talks about her b/c she's the relatively recent past. Nothing more than that, and he doesn't want to be with her. On some level I can accept that. There are signs though, on some other level, that he DOES want to be with her.

 

As for the picture, yes, it needs to go, and I'm glad you all think it's not right for him to have it there. Because of my jealousy issues, it's hard for me to know sometimes what's appropriate and what's not. I will have to think carefully about how I ask him to take it down, though. Believe me, he will start talking about how I'm wanting to control him, and how I'm too insecure, etc etc. (I've got a jealousy problem, but he's got one with control. Perhaps not a good combo!)

 

To me it sounds like they still have some sort of a connection. You just don't go around putting XXXXX's on your ex's cards and have your ex's picture hanging on the wall.

 

He should also not be talking about her all the time like that. Especially if it bothers you. He no's better then that or does he?. Explain to him that the past is the past and to let it go and that you don't want to hear about it. Shoot who would unless it's something that you REALLY have to to know that could affect the relationship.

 

It's not controlling and if it really is over and he has no feeling for her at all then he should have no problem taking it down. Why is that even up? Did he say?

 

I was also wondering why they broke up. That could explain why hes so hard up for staying in contact.

[miss snoopy]

I went through something similar with my recent ex - won't go over it a it's all posted here - like yours he won't stop mentioning her every now and again... My "jealousy" ended up in me snooping on his emails, and I discovered he never told her about me, and communicated with her in a highly inappropriate way (more xx's to her than he put in my emails, said in an email that he loved her very much "as a friend" for e.g.) He never knew about my snooping, and the whole thing just got worse with him being very defensive when I brought her up.. we broke up, got back together again, chronic mentionitis continued, and eventually he ended it, citing my "emotional instability" - and now I realise it really is good riddance!

 

The most annoying thing in retrospect is that some of those emails to her were typed from MY computer when I was out. Once told her how he can't stop thinking about her... he was in MY bedroom when he typed this, wearing the pjs I had just bought for him... then he went to a porn site straight afterwards. What an idiot.

 

Reading this back, goodness knows why I took him back after dumping him!

[Guest]

I went through something similar with my recent ex - won't go over it a it's all posted here - like yours he won't stop mentioning her every now and again... My "jealousy" ended up in me snooping on his emails, and I discovered he never told her about me, and communicated with her in a highly inappropriate way (more xx's to her than he put in my emails, said in an email that he loved her very much "as a friend" for e.g.) He never knew about my snooping, and the whole thing just got worse with him being very defensive when I brought her up.. we broke up, got back together again, chronic mentionitis continued, and eventually he ended it, citing my "emotional instability" - and now I realise it really is good riddance!

 

Yeah, that sounds pretty similar to me. Mentionitis, indeed! An update to my first post is that I had a bit of a snoop recently (I'm so embarrassed writing this!!) and found an old letter a *different* ex had sent him, *many years* after they had split up (we're talking 10 years here), which referred to him as "my darling" (and again, lots of kisses at the end). This really startled me, because after posting my first message here, I decided to have a general chat with him about appropriate behaviour with exes. He told me that he wasn't interested in any of his exes, they werent' interested in him, and that they were irrelevant to his current relationship with me. I asked him about the degree of affection he felt for these women, and he insisted that it was no more than he felt for any of his other friends. When I brought up the photo on the mantlepiece, he got defensive and made out as if I was extremely insecure and why couldn't I just get over it, etc, she's just a friend, etc, I don't want her back, etc.

 

What really bothers me is that I'm not a young teenager, I've been in long term relationships before, have had my share of both good and bad men. For the most part, my b/f seems like a genuinely decent man. I just can't believe that he would lie to me (even though it looks as though he has lied. It does seem as though the intimacy between him and his exes is more than 'just friends'). The paradoxical thing is that, despite my jealousy, his ex girlfriends must also think he's a decent man or they wouldn't continue to feel so much affection for him. I just don't understand any of this.

[ohno07]

Oh god, I'm sort of going through the same thing. good luck. i totally feel you on not wanting to be the "crazy girlfriend" but the thing is- we are women and we know how we act. with that ex's XXXXs and the pic, i'd be flipping out, too. you're not alone. Oh, and yes, i agree with the paradox- they wouldn't be keeping in touch with an a**hole, so yeah, he's a good guy. i guess i come from the thinking of "once they're an ex, move on without them."

[che_jesse]

One day when hes out take her picture out of the frame and put yours in there in which you ware similar cloth and are sort of in the same pose. 90% chance he wont even notice.

 

If he wanted to sit around stareing at a picture of her while he crys and thinks about the good old days he would keep the picture in a more private place. I dont think you have anything to worry about but for your own piece of mind get rid of her picture.

[Island Girl]

I have been contacted by exes over and over again throughout my life.

 

Most mention the fact they have never gotten over me and want me back despite other relationships they have been or are involved in.

 

There are those that have contacted me without professing wanting me back but declaring they have never and will never love another as they have loved me.

 

All of them mention pictures or momentos of some sort that they still have and look at -- to remember, etc.

 

I myself see these things as a very bad sign. Not only because of personal history with this kind of thing but because when I am done and move on I do not keep in contact with my exes. I see no reason for it. If an ex is that important to me then he wouldn't be an ex in the first place. To me there is no reason to keep a bunch of stuff or images around of someone who does not matter to me.

 

Call it jealousy or whatever but the picture would bother me to no end and I would have already made his life such hell about it that he'd have to take it down and have mine up there instead.

 

As far as the letters or cards the exes send to him - he can't control who sends him anything. However I'd find it offensive to me if they were kept as if they had some special significance since I should be the one and only.

[Walk]

I am not the jealous type, and that picture on the mantel would bug the crap out of me too! The cards would irritate me too, but there isn't much you can really do about that and I HOPE your bf isn't encouraging that type of behavior.

 

Anyway... I was trying to think of some ways you could get your bf to see your view point regarding the picture. I think I'd approach it as logically as possible with him. I'd tell him that I viewed pictures on mantels as a way to show who is incredibly important to a person. Giving them a place of honor in his home to signify their status in his heart. He is "saying" the ex is nothing more than a friend, but his actions say she has a great deal of importance. He's contradicting his words, and no amount of him telling you you're crazy is going to alter the contradiction he's sending.

 

He'll stick with the same old argument though... you're just jealous, you're crazy, nothing will change.. but the point is to make him aware of the contradiction. You won't "win" the argument in one sitting, so just point out the contradictions. Don't let him get entrenched in his "your crazy" routine. Just call an end to the arguement when that starts and tell him you have to do something else for a while. Basically, walk away as soon as he starts launching into his "your jealousy issue" tirade.

 

If he doesn't bring it up, and nothing changes, then bring it up again. If he starts in on the "it's you not me" explain to him that you aren't going to continue the discussion unless he is willing to work with you on the problem. Ask him if he is... if he shows he isn't, get up and leave again. Explain to him that when he can discuss this like adults, that you'll be happy to talk to him. Until then, you're going for a walk.. or going to run errands, or whatever you have going on in your life.

 

It's worked for me 99% of the time in the past. Key is you have to remain calm. It's a discussion. You're asking him to help you resolve it. The more upset he gets, the calmer you have to stay. SHOW him you aren't crazy, act sane. You are sane, and you aren't crazy. Show him. The calmer you stay, the crazier he'll look to himself. The more out of control he gets the harder it'll be for him to place blame on you, he'll realize he's causing the problem, and hopefully if he's smart, he'll calm down and discuss it with you rationally after a bit. Be patient with him, but don't allow him to shift the problem onto you by implying your just crazy and jealous.

 

Oh, and reiterate that you aren't trying to control him, that you're asking him for his help. That you feel uncomfortable with her picture on the mantel, but you are leaving the decision up to him. Don't tell him he has to do anything. It's his decision. But show him what the consequences are if he decides he'd rather call you crazy then discuss how to resolve the problem.

 

Good luck. I don't think you're being irrational about this. I'm getting to the point where I don't view jealousy as "bad". It springs up when my bf steps over the line of what I feel is appropriate behavior in a relationship. I'm not wrong to feel that way. We can discuss the behavior, and maybe his explaination of his actions will change my view of it being inappropriate or not... if it doesn't, then the both of us need to find ways to deal with the situation so that he isn't crossing my line. Or we need to end the relationship so I can find someone who shares a view closer to mine.

[Craig]

My point of view is that it is entirely possible and reasonable to love someone without wanting an intimate relationship with them. Love, after all is not a good enough reason to have a relationship with someone.

 

You've said that your bf seems to be a decent guy. Well if a decent guy were to break up with a gf he would do it in a decent way, yes? That being the case and the fact that some breakups are done in a nasty way don't you think that these ex gf's of his realize that he is a decent guy and despite the differences that led to their ending their intimate relationships they still might even love him and at the same time realize that an intimate relationship with him is not possible?

 

So his keeping cards or letters from them is not that unreasonable. Keeping a picture of his most recent ex on the mantle might be a stretch especially if he talks about her all the time but you need to let him know that it's ok for him to hold his ex(s) in high esteem but you need to know that your relationship with him is secure and ask him how that can be achieved. Work for a solution that works for both of you. Be reasonable with him or you might find yourself writing cards to him in the future too as one of his ex gf's.

 

Think of it this way, if he were an assclown in previous relationships his ex's wouldn't think that highly of him and wouldn't keep in contact with him. It's just that for whatever reasons a long term relationship wasn't in the cards for them.

[Guest]

My point of view is that it is entirely possible and reasonable to love someone without wanting an intimate relationship with them. .... ex gf's of his realize that he is a decent guy and despite the differences that led to their ending their intimate relationships they still might even love him and at the same time realize that an intimate relationship with him is not possible? So his keeping cards or letters from them is not that unreasonable.]

 

Thanks Craig. I have to agree in theory, but also have to admit that your words about him 'loving someone' and that they might still 'love him' are making me hyperventilate!! But it's good to explore that feeling - what I've come to realise from all the helpful posts on here is that my b/friend is a genuinely good person. But he does have a great amount of difficulty seeing my point of view on this and I don't think any amount of discussion is going to change that.

 

In fact, he often has difficulty seeing my point of view on many other things as well. I have no problem with him keeping cards and letters. I have kept these from my own previous relationships, too. I guess I just don't like them so blatantly displayed. It plays on my own insecurities, my own jealousies and anxieties. It makes me think that, as you said yourself, that he might still love these women and they might still love him. And I don't know how to deal with that.

[Guest]

... I was trying to think of some ways you could get your bf to see your view point regarding the picture. I think I'd approach it as logically as possible with him. I'd tell him that I viewed pictures on mantels as a way to show who is incredibly important to a person. Giving them a place of honor in his home to signify their status in his heart. He is "saying" the ex is nothing more than a friend, but his actions say she has a great deal of importance. He's contradicting his words, and no amount of him telling you you're crazy is going to alter the contradiction he's sending.

 

Thanks Walk. It's funny, because he has always said that the best way to judge a person's feelings is by what they do, not what they say, that actions speak louder than words, so to speak. But I'm sure that if I were to point out this particular action, then he would deny it had any significance. I totally agree with your method of trying to deal with it. That's normally how I would go about it too.

 

Problem is, he is a *very* defensive person, and he finds it *extremely* difficult to talk about emotional issues. I think I should just let matters rest for a while and work on my own insecurity and jealousy issues, because I can see that I'm pushing him away with my behaviour. But I won't let it rest forever, and I think your point about the contradiction between his words and actions is a great way to proceed. Thanks!

[Guest]

First up, let me just say that I have big issues with jealousy. I recognise this is a problem for me, and I've just started getting counselling so I can work on it. **BUT**.... my b/f and I seem to have big differences of opinion when it comes to ex-partners. I don't have any contact with mine. They are in the past, as far as I'm concerned. My b/f however, likes to maintain some fairly limited contact with one of his exes.

 

I suppose I can learn to live with this over time. They probably see each other a few times a year. There's no crazy texting or emailing or anything like that. We've been going out for nearly 1 year, he has told me he doesn't want to be with either of them, and that he sees a future for us together. Still, I can't get his ex out of my head. There's two issues in particular that really bother me.

 

Firstly, he has a picture of her, who he split up with three years ago, on his mantlepiece. Secondly, this same ex recently sent him a Xmas card, with a fairly ordinary kind of message inside, but signed it "Lots of love" and then followed it with "xxxxx" (that's more xxx than I put on MY Xmas card to him!!). He assures me he is just friends with her, and that he has his picture on his mantlepiece because he's got lots of other pictures up there (in reality, the other ones are just of his family).

 

This hurts me so much, and I don't know if I should demand that he take down the photo. I haven't confronted him about the Xmas card yet. Because I admit that I have jealousy issues, I really don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

 

Please - your thoughts and advice? About the photo? And the Xmas card? What should be the limits of appropriate behavior? Has he or his ex stepped over the line here? Is it ok to write "lots of love" and put "xxxxx" on a letter or card to your ex??

 

 

 

Put a picture of your ex on your mantel. See how he likes it. Send yourself cards "from your ex's" or better yet flowers. tell him and then just insist you are friends. See how he likes it. If he gets angry, tell him you'll stop "your ex's" from contacting contacting you if he does the same. Also, you'll take down the pic on your mantel if he does too. Do it in a 'matter of fact way,' not bitchy or jealous. See what happens. Good luck!

[Salicious Crumb]

no contact with an ex is healthy on a current relationship.

 

And I don't think there is anything wrong or unnatural about being jealous.

 

If you are jealous, its usually because there is good reason to be.

[Island Girl]

Put a picture of your ex on your mantel. See how he likes it. Send yourself cards "from your ex's" or better yet flowers. tell him and then just insist you are friends. See how he likes it. If he gets angry, tell him you'll stop "your ex's" from contacting contacting you if he does the same. Also, you'll take down the pic on your mantel if he does too. Do it in a 'matter of fact way,' not bitchy or jealous. See what happens. Good luck!

 

I would never advise these games to get the point across. They could fall through somehow and if he ever found out you were orchestrating all of it you'd look very foolish and possibly crazy.

 

If you have made your peace with the cards and letters as you said you have - I'd have a talk with him, as I believe Walk said earlier, about the picture.