iamsofoolish80 Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Well... grab your nachos and your popcorn... this is a long one. My girlfriend and I met in '99, and we started dating in '00. We were 19-years-old. Neither one of us was looking for a relationship, but we got along so well and hit it off and one thing lead to another... and before we knew it, we were officially dating. Our anniversary date was set as Jan 7 as this was the date I kissed her for the first time and we were exclusive to each other. Well... we started dating and she lived in NY, I live in NJ. I went over to see her almost every opportunity I could. We used to take weekend trips, go out to dinner, and just spend lots of time together. At the time that I met her, she was living at home with her mom and was having lots of trouble at home as it pertained with her relationship with her mom. She sticks out in her family as she is completely opposite of her family. She is the intellect, she is the professional one, she is the out going one, she is the sweetest person in her family and her family depends on her a lot when they are having a problem, as they see how well she is doing. Well, in '00, my dad had a heart attack and I had to help with his care, as he wasn't able to do much for himself. My mom saw how much it was hurting my relationship with my girl and since my girlfriend was spending weekends at my house, my mom asked me how I would feel asking her to move into my home. I was thrilled... I get to see my girlfriend whenever I want... all the SEX a person can have... it was wonderful! Come on now... who will say no to that? Especially at 19. Well, she moved in, and we are both VERY mature. I work a professional job and she does as well, I already finished college and she is still working on it as she got a late start in '00 after losing all of her credits from her previous college as they were nontransferable into the university she attends now. Anyhow, it was wonderful... we still continued to go away, we go to a lot of music events as she is involved in the music business and I am also. And we spend lots of time together. I helped her sort her finances as I was a financial planner at one point, and I thought her about credit, we pretty much grew up together. She's thought me to be open-minded and vice versa. Well... 2 years ago, right after I graduated college, I started having problems with my previous employer, I was stressed out every day and I would come home and take it out on everyone that I love. I was stressed out because I had gotten myself in debt... go figure and I was a financial planner, but I wasn't qualifying for student loans, don't know why and I couldn't get aid, so I was paying for school on my credit cards. I was taking trips on my credit cards and I was charging up my cards. I am currently $20,000 in debt as it pertains to credit cards. My girlfriend said, "We should move out". But we really couldn't afford to move into a NICE place and pay the bills and our debt. So I spoke to her and said, let's continue to pay our bills and we'll make a move. During this time, we started to fight a lot. We fought a lot about anything, everything, for nothing. And it was just all stress. I won't come home from work stressed and I would fight with her, my mother and my father. And she's the type of person to bottle everything up, so when I would try to speak to her, she didn't want to. She just wanted to be alone and cry to herself, and not say anything to me. BUT don't get me wrong. I never curse at her, nor did I yell. It was mostly sarcasm and smart mouth. She offered suggestions and I was too hard headed to accept them. In '05, my girlfriend took a trip to MIAMI for work and when she came back, I noticed her attitude towards me was very bitter. I spoke to her about it and she cried. She told me that while she was out there, she met this co-worker of hers, another girl, who is from NY as well, and when they were having lunch, the girl and her just really clicked and the girl started telling her about her relationship and how it wasn't going well. And my girlfriend started telling her about her relationship and how we'd been fighting a lot. My girlfriend started to think about what this coworker was going through and she realized that while she was away, she really didn't miss me and that she felt relief because we weren't fighting. We spoke about it, and I told her I'll try my best to change, but how can I if my stresses still exist??? Well, I changed jobs. I was so happy, and so was she. More Money, New Job, well I didn't think about MORE RESPONSIBILITY. My job is the type of job where my decisions affect the livelihood of a person. It can mean life or death for children. And soon the stress got to me again. We start fighting again. I'm working LONGER HOURS, less time with her, and in the less time with her, the time I spent fighting with her seem to outnumber the time I spent in good terms with her. But we have the type of relationship where we fight and 2 hours later we're talking again. Keep in mind what I said... my girlfriend keeps everything bottled up inside. So, in the last 5 months, my girlfriend and I have gotten into some arguments and she stated that she was going to leave me and I said, "you do what you have to do". I really brushed it off. At work, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve. I've snapped at upper management, clients, and have even made some really stupid decisions because I have to make too many decisions. Also, I'm feeling the stress that I want to marry my girlfriend and move out with her and I cannot afford it because the housing costs in NJ are ridiculous!!!! But she didn't want to move to any other state. She wants to remain in the NY/NJ area. I tried explaining to her how it would work so much better if we moved to another state and possibly move back. She really wasn't trying to compromise because of her music as well being in NY. Also, in our relationship, is the stress of her music, because of her being f*cked over by managers, she asked me to do the work of being her manager and that is a mess. She doesnt respect any decision I try to make as it pertains to her career and instead saw it as me trying to be controlling. That's what a manager does... control the business. It came to a point, where I was doing everything... cooking... cleaning... making big purchases on my own because she didn't trust herself enough to do it on her own... but don't get me wrong... we did not fight ALL THE TIME. Just a lot. And when we didn't fight, she'd feel defensive and then started picking them herself. At this point, my girlfriend went on another trip for work... mind you she had taken some other ones between the Miami trip and this one, and she would call me that she missed me, etc. etc. So it gives you an idea that we're not always fighting. So she goes to Mexico in december and she doesn't call me, doesn't email me, just texts me. I know she was busy, I know she was in Mexico for work because her boss had emailed me while she was out there to give me her number at the hotel, because she was not able to reach me via phone, and she wanted me to call her instead. But the point was that she really wasnt concerned with speaking to me. The day she arrived back in NJ, I went to pick her up and she wasn't really speaking to me. Very brief convo. I go to work the next day and this bothers me... she stayed home for a travel day. So i come home and speak to her about what's going on and she breaks down and said... I was away and I felt at peace, she didn't fight, I didn't have the stress of school, fighting with you, hearing you fight with your mom. She said she felt lost and trapped and like she had no identity in our relationship. Her music is not going well... her mother is sick. She just needs some time to get away and think and be alone and gain her identity and become independent because she feels inadequate. Anything she does for me is not good enough and everything she suggests is not good enough and that she feels like I took her for granted and she just needs to be alone. So I asked her if there was someone else and she said... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE! I WANT TO BE ALONE. I don't need more stress in my life. And she cried about it. That night she left to NY to be with her family. I cried all night because even before her speaking to me about what she was feeling, I realized I had been fighting with her a lot and I had even enrolled myself in anger management/stress management classes. But she said she feels so fed up. So she came back that night... she stayed here. We spoke, but not about our relationship. She remained here for the next 5 days, through Christmas. On Christmas Day, she told me she was going to go stay with her sister. During the 5 day sshe was here we spoke a lot abou tthis situation. She told me she wanted to get her own apartment... she wants to be more independent to prove to herself she can do things for herself. I asked her if she was leaving me, as in breaking up and she said, "I didn't say that... I didnt say I wanted to leave you. I just said I needed time". She now sounds really angry with me. And she sounds like she doesn't want to be bothered by me. I begged her to give me another chance and explained that I had already realized that I had been wrong and that I had even enrolled in these classes and was looking for another job with responsiblity where it didn't deal with the life of a person being placed at risk. She said she is not sure waht she wants and she needs her own place so she can think and sort her feelings. Because my girlfriend doesn't like talking about her feelings or letting people know how she's feeling or whats going on in her life... she doesn't want to continue staying with her family. She is really looking for her own place. I tried to convince her to get a place with me as I had been looking around for a place for 4 months with her and we had finally found a place that was priced very well. But she really insists that it would be irrational to do that because she is not sure we can make it. Also, I should add, I have let myself go in physical appearance. I gamed about 75lbs. I don't take care of myself as I used to and this has also bothered her. Eveytime I get a haricut or get dressed up really nice, I can see how her mood changes with me. At this point, I saw her yesterday and her eyes were teary. I've lost 25lbs since she's left, I've begun watching my attitude and I've been changing my wardrobe to dress like I used to before. I've been getting a haricut every 5 days. Now she's only been gone for 1 week, but I keep in mind, I said I was doing these things already while she had left because while she was gone in Mexico, I realized I needed to make these changes. I am not in denial. Today after I asked her if she would give me another chance, she said she needed to do this for herself and that it hurts because she loves me and loves me a lot, but that she needs to prove to herself she can be independent. I asked her if this meant that she didn't want to be with me and she became angry and said, "I didnt' say that... listen to me... I need time! I need to be alone. I need to do this alone." Now I've been reading a lot about Breaks and it says I shouldn't PUSH because she'll PULL AWAY. And I pushed a lot today. She tells me she doesn't want me out of her life and that she loves me a lot and that she doesn't want anyone else but that she really really needs to do this for herself. She said she's excited about having the opportunity to be indepedent and that she's excited that I'm doing things for myself but that I need to respect her request. At this point, she's very angry at me and you can tell in how she talks to me. Not vulgar, just the tone sounds upset and hurt. I don't know what I should do. I'm so confused. I asked her if she wanted to date other people while she was living out alone and she said, "EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! NO! I DO NOT WANT TO DATE ANYONE RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND DO ME!!" She said her hurt is telling her to give me another chance, but her mind is saying... DON'T DO IT! I'm not sure what I can do at this point. I know I need to be a friend to her and not talk about our relationship anymore. But I don't want to lose her. She's saying she loves me and that she doesn't want me out of her life and that she didn't say she doesn't want to be with me, so this doesn't mean I've lost her YET. I want this girl to marry me. In fact, on December 14, 2006, I took a loan from a friend to pay him by August 2007 to buy her an engagement ring. This was all during the time she was away in Mexico. Because I realized how much I love this girl. I knew I loved her but while she was away, the MISSING HER told me, She is the one for me. I even asked her if she can picture herself with anyone else but me and she was nodded and crying a lot. I don't know, but it sounds like she really loves me and she wants to give me another chance, but she's afraid at this point that I will hurt her again. What can I do?!! I don't want anyone else. I DESIRE for her to be in my life. I meet so many women daily, especially in this music business and I know she's the one I want to marry. I've been 100% faithful to her in 7 years and she has been as well. I just see that she's so hurt and I'm beggin her to trust me. I really do want to make this change. I want to marry her. What can I do? Our whole family is pulling for us because they see how good we are for each other. Someone from an outside window looking in sees a lot more than the people involved and everyone sees us together. They see us involved in so much together. They see I love her like crazy and vice versa. When she talks about me her eyes light up, and the same when I talk about her. I'm just not certain what I need to do. I do not want to lose her! I was thinking of proposing to her anyway, but I'm not sure that will make a difference.
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