kaveets Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I'm stuck in this cycle and am quite dissapointed in myself. I have been in a bad relationship since Sept 2005. Almost a year and a half later, he and I are still kicking this dead horse. It's not like just one of us is clinging on to it, we both are. He's broken up with me at least 4 times, starting last June. Each time it tears me apart and feels like I'm drowning. With in two weeks, he's always begging that I come back, saying that he loves me and doesn't want to live with out me. A few times I have been so happy to have him back, other times I was reluctant to go back. Needless to say, I eventually go back everytime and never get a different result. He will be great for a week or two and then he's back to being a total jerk. Well- this time he broke up w me before Christmas. He was being so cold to me. So, I went out of town for two weeks for the holidays. It was a great break. The minute I left for out of town, he was calling. I was good and didn't answer -but on Christmas Day I felt bad and answered. It's been a total roller coaster. I had been so strong, ready to go back home and not be with him. But since I answered the phone, he's saying how much he loves me and misses me. I know that I'm setting myself up to get hurt again, but yet it's so hard for me to walk away. I don't know what to do. I'm going back home tomorow, and I don't want to go back to him, but I don't want to lose him either... Very strange feeling. He's really great when he's getting me back. He's even great for a week or two after. And those are the happiest times for me. Soon after he's mean again, pretty mean. I don't really know why he would treat me the way he does, esp if he says he loves me. I'm really nervous to go back home.
notmakingsense Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 That is totally rough what you must be going through. Do you think he has the potential to change, and are you serious enough about him to suggest couple's counceling? It all comes down to your judgement about the potential to change. If you have lost your faith in that, then it is time to call it quits. When you are broken up, and he starts calling again, remember why you broke up with him, and be strong. You deserve someone who loves you and does not become mean after a while.
Author kaveets Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 We have been to couples counseling. The minute he hears something he doesn't like, he flips out and quits. I'm not sure that he can change, and I honestly question his mental stablility. He's really abusive and lies all the time! He is separated from his wife and has a daughter. He did not tell me about either --I found out through friends of friends. I have yet to meet his ex. He spends time with his ex and daughter behind my back. He won't answer the phone when I call if he is with them. I have met his daughter once in a year and a half and the ex found out and i guess flipped out. I question what their relationship really is? All his friends know me well. I am with him all the time, except when he is with them, it's like I don't even EXIST! He makes me feel like a mistress. It hurts me. Once he even made me hid when the ex wife stopped by. ??
marc from MI Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 i think its time for you to say goodbye for good, this guy is toxic to you. there are so many other great people i this world that will treat you the way you deserve. you just have to take time away from him with NC whatsoever. in a month or two you will realize how silly you were for dealing with all of this for so long. this guy doesnt care about you, he scared of being alone. plain and simple. and i think that you are the same. you're afraid of the unknown future, dont worry most of us are. you have to fight past it. youwill never be happy within a situation like this. it sounds like he doesnt respect you. there is waaaay too much baggage involved with him.
notmakingsense Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 kaveets -- this man is a LOSER!!! Yes, you are his mistress. Break it off and don't look back. Use the advice on this forum to help you remain no-contact until you have healed and have moved on. You deserve much better. Do you honestly think you can build a long term relationship that was founded on lies and deception? I don't think so.
Author kaveets Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 Thank you for the responses. I have one more question. How do I do this? Just stop answering the phone? The times that I have done this he just shows up at my house. We live super close. If he's not over his ex, why does he continue to lie and string me along? I've told him many times not to play with my feelings. He's a master manipulator. Any arguement, discussion, etc-- he will turn things so far around that I will always end up apologizing! I'm very scared to be alone. I never have been alone for the last 11 years. I'm scared. But it can't be as bad as this. He's pretty out there, he has disrespected me in EVERY way possible. I stay out of fear, is there help for such codependency? I mean, it's crossed unhealthy a LONG time ago! (Sorry that was more than just one question)
marc from MI Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Thank you for the responses. I have one more question. How do I do this? Just stop answering the phone? The times that I have done this he just shows up at my house. We live super close. If he's not over his ex, why does he continue to lie and string me along? I've told him many times not to play with my feelings. He's a master manipulator. Any arguement, discussion, etc-- he will turn things so far around that I will always end up apologizing! I'm very scared to be alone. I never have been alone for the last 11 years. I'm scared. But it can't be as bad as this. He's pretty out there, he has disrespected me in EVERY way possible. I stay out of fear, is there help for such codependency? I mean, it's crossed unhealthy a LONG time ago! (Sorry that was more than just one question) ok, dont answer the phone. if he shows up tell him that you dont want him around anymore. if he doesnt leave, call the police this should get it through to him that you are done. you have to be strong. speaking to him will only make him keep coming back. as far as being alone.... we've all been through it,, its very tough at first. it almost seems unliveable but you will survive. and you'll be a stronger woman because of it. take this "relationship" as a hard lesson learned.
notmakingsense Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 First of all, you should congratulate yourself for recognizing the situation for what it is -- and admitting it to yourself and on this site. That is a great first step!! Yes, you need some drastic measures to give yourself the time to heal. Start it off by telling him that you don't things will work out and that you need time to yourself to sort through things. Ask him at this time not to contact you in any way. Ignore his calls and do not answer the door if he decides to come by. If he persists, then you should tell him to stop, or you will involve the law and maybe his ex-wife! You should not spend this time apart alone. Draw upon your friends and family for support. If you need it and can afford it, a councellor could also be really helpful. Just keep reminding yourself of why this won't work, and remember that contact with him holds you back in your progress from moving on.
thelucky7star Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I hope you find the strength to leave him for good. This definitely is a toxic relationship, one that you do not deserve to go through. Good luck!!
Author kaveets Posted January 11, 2007 Author Posted January 11, 2007 Ahhh! I was weak when I came back home. I ended up giving him another chance. With in 4 days he was back to his nonsense again. 4 DAYS!! I thought he would at least have been nice for a week. Well- I finally took a step that I needed to do, I CHANGED MY NUMBER!!! This all came about yesterday. I hope I stay away this time.
Recommended Posts