I can't believe its over - can someone shed some light on this one?

[katballoo]

Hi - well here goes.

 

I could do with some advice. I have been together with my ex on and off for 3 years. The last eight months we have been reunited and happy.

 

We have grown in a lot of ways and understand each other better the second time around. Last week or so, he says hes never been so happy and a lot is to do with me.

 

My ex does have a very short temper, that can be very snarly. He generally apologises after his let fly for some little reason. That has been

my main beef with him. That I am a little sensitive to it, and he doesn't realise how much it hurts.

 

Anyway we were going away for Christmas holidays and two days before Christmas he is off drinking with a friend, (not usual but ill timed from my point of view) I ask him when his coming home

and he says in front of the friend 'well Im drunk I guess Ill be staying here for dinner = do you have a problem with that?" I then say well yeah and go off a bit, - and hang up on him. The next day (he stayed at the friends around the corner - checked!) he hasn't come home I throw all his clothes outside - thats me letting off anger.

 

I then call him and happy as larry hes playing golf, tells me to get over whatever is up my nose and lets just have a good holiday. I go off a little - he tells me to F off - hes playing golf - and hangs up. I get so angry I write a letter dumping him - but keep it in my drawer.

 

He calls up three hours later ready to come home for Christmas Eve dinner. I don't return his call . He doesn't come for Christmas Eve dinner.

 

The next morning Christmas Day hes still not home and I start thinking maybe I did go off a little and should apologise so I send text saying

hope you are coming for Lunch - love mexxx He turns up, we open presents and I say we better get around to the inlaws for lunch and get ready to get on the road for the holiday.

 

He says - well when I didn't hear from you, I made other plans. Then says to be honest, I don't think I can give you what you need. Its never enough, leading up to the break up speech - so I cut in and say fine - and thrust the letter at him written from the day before saying its over. I also say - this time, lets give each other a lot of space, not like previous breakups which were too difficult.

 

I Leave and go to CHristmas Day lunch at my parents. He turns up like nothing has happened! All friendly. Nothing is said and I go on to the holiday with out him. He turned up on Boxing Day - he said to visit? I say but didn't you want to break up? I say that I love him and basically start back-tracking on the break up. Saying sorry - he says sorry but he thinks he is prepared to accept the breakup. Thats what he wants. He also says that as his best friend but there is no reason he can't visit every day? We can also spend time together as a family (we both have kids). I say no, its too painful, we need a clean break if thats what you want.

 

I say why can't you just learn to speak nicely to me then I wouldn't go off and over react to silly things. He says well I don't think I can (he was being rude now because I told him he had to leave if it was over)

 

He drove off, and besides picking up his stuff which I asked him to do - we haven't spoken. When he picked up his stuff from the house, I was pleasant and helpful and even helped him pack stuff in the car. He was quiet and said he could do it on his own. He said good bye to the kids, and I went to give him a hug - he said 'he wasn't sure he wanted one' I gave him one anyway. He said 'well I hope your happy' and I said I hope you're happy too. He went sullenly to his car, and then sent me a text saying 'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Wish you health and happiness.' I replied saying I will always love him and didn't see this coming and he deserves happiness too.' Thats it. (Two days ago - no contact since)

 

 

I didn't mean for us to break up. I don't want to break up. I know neither of us had any intention of breaking up we were both so looking forward to the holiday. I am not sure if he broke up with me, or I did him, or that we pushed each other too far. I know he still loves me.

I regret it now. I have said sorry, and I don't want to crawl. What should I do?

 

Does anyone have any advice from a mans point of view?

[marc from MI]

im a man and i have a POV.

 

i think you need to sit back and reflect on the 3 years and ask yourself, is it all worth it? the fighting, the hatred, the torment? also ak yourself if the only reason you are with him is to keep yourself from having to look into the uncertain future?

 

alot of times people in these types of on-off relationships tend to get comfortable. i was in this type once for almost 5 years, i finally sat myself down one day and said i cant do this anymore, and i walked away. i was very fearful of what the future held, 5 years wasted , i cant get it back, what am i gonna do? i had no contact though she did try to call me ALOT. i finally decided to go over to what was OUR apartment after about 2 weeks. i broke the news that it was over , i had thought about it enough, she cried and cried. i stayed strong and left without saying goodbye, she moved out the next week and i never heard from her again. i felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders, i realized that all of this time i didnt care for her. i was worried about not being with someone, not having someone to come home to, the love was gone. and i was finally free. i did hear from a few friends that she had met a new guy a month after i left and they were planning on marriage. all i could do was laugh, this guy was suckered right in. i felt extreme relief that it wsnt me.

 

so i hope you make the right choice and move on, its time.

[uksteve]

Sounds like a horrible situation you had to deal with over Xmas. I think the guy was being out of line - it's so rude to hang up on someone let alone tell the to f off first!

 

Sounds like you need to be out of it - an on/off relationship will never be truly satisfying. Other than that, if you want to stay together, and have kids, maybe you should both go to counselling together?