johan Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I sat down to eat dinner, watching Pale Rider. I looked at a few posts about people's plans for the night. I gave some thought to last year and previous years and how I spent those New Years Eves. The last 3 were with the ex. For some odd reason my stupid brain does this... The thought of New Year's Eve passing soon and how we spent it. And the fact that I'm sure she's not alone this year. And I can be sure that she'll be making love as part of the celebration. Of all the times I've buried the idea of her with someone else with the idea that probability-wise it wasn't actually happening at an any particular time I could think of. Tonight I know that it's happening, and I could probably pinpoint the hour. There were so many times I wanted her with me. I wanted her to have faith in me. I wanted her closeness and her love. I wanted to have a future with her. And all those things were denied, even while I kept the faith in her. I knew she was afraid and that she couldn't trust. But I had faith that she would overcome her issues for us. Because I was the right guy for her. I couldn't have known at the time that all I put into that relationship was going to waste. But I know now. The chilling thought of her dedicating her warmth and passion to someone else tonight is a lot to take. I hadn't thought of it at all lately. But when I did, it sent a shock through my entire body. I sometimes think she isn't capable of closeness or trust. But then sometimes I think I only know what she told me about her past, and how she acted with me. She could be capable of it, and it may have been due to me that she never could bring herself to open up. I watched Pale Rider and saw the woman who had been jilted by her husband, with a new man. Unable to commit to him, but with him. And unable to love him. And unable to have faith in him. And she raked him over the coals for making a decision he made as a man, as much of a man as he could be. And all I could think is he should drop-kick her for being so weak and angry. She trampled his pride and showed how little respect she had for him. Not because he wasn't respectable, but just because she was too fouled up to have any. How many times was I nagged in exactly the same way. By a woman who had similar problems. Life can be so cold. I could say I deserve better, but what have I done to earn it? I deserve this, and so this is what I get. If I want better, then I'll have to make the investment to get it. Otherwise, I can just live out my life scared and lonely thinking of her. For a change, I'd like to be with a normal, decent woman who can feel love. I've had my share of baggage-laden basket-cases.
Touche Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 That was all touching and heartfelt, Johan. But here's the part you ought to concentrate on: If I want better, then I'll have to make the investment to get i That's the ONLY thing that matters. You two just weren't meant to be. Stop torturing youself. Don't you want to be with a woman who wants you mind, body and soul? Don't you think you deserve that and can get that? You can. Now believe it.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Johan, by definition I am probably one of those baggage laden women, but I have evolved! I am not one to believe in fairy tale endings but I have been told by women on LS that I have experienced one. I don't know your story as I'm new to this forum, but I have to believe that there is someone for everyone, and that we have to experience the bad (and sometimes lots of it) to appreciate the good when we find the "one" for us. It is our experiences in the past that shape who we became. If I had met my current love many years ago, we might not have made it. It is through our loves and losses that we can appreciate each other in a way that we might not have been ready for in the past. There are so many obstacles in life that prevent our happiness and we have to jump those hurdles to understand what truly brings us happiness. I am sorry that you are having memories that cause you pain. I am sorry that you are not spending this particularly pressuring evening without the benefit of someone you love dearly. NYE ranks just below Valentines Day on the days of pressure list. You have much to offer to the right person and I am sure that you will find her. You have a sense of humor that is biting, yet I love it. The woman who can "get" you could be right around the corner. Don't stop believing she is out there.
Island Girl Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 It seems you have spent a lot of time evaluating the relationship and the break up. And it seems to me that you are on to the renewal phase. That is where the comments come from about starting anew. That is the indication that enough time and reflection has gone by that you can move toward a healthy relationship with someone new. It is a New Year -- and my wish goes out to you that you meet her soon. You never know when and how it will happen and it generally comes when you least expect it. Happy New Year johan.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Wow, I almost mentioned that I wished IslandGirl would post her thoughts. She is so insightful and says things in such a profound way. Heed her advice as she offers many pearls of wisdom.
Author johan Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 Thanks for the responses. I can't say I'm pleased with myself for still having these emotions. I need to figure out why I'm in my own way so much. Or maybe instead of figuring it out, I should just quit thinking about it and talking about it and just fix it. Everything you all said makes sense, and it's all good to hear. But I know that those are the rational, sensible things to say and think. It's not easy to take things like that to heart. Or it isn't for me. Analysis only lays the groundwork. You can't expect theories and thoughts to fix anything. It just comes down to decision and action. Those are the only things that really make a difference in the end. It irritates me that it takes a long time for me to decide and then act. Someone else has the woman meant for me (if there is one) in his arms this minute, and he's kissing her. Someone else has my ex in his arms right now, too. I'm sitting here thinking. Someone just shoot me.
Kittiecat Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 OK Johan - you've been here a full year before you broke up with the ex. And let's face it - nobody comes to LS when they're happy and everything is hunky-dory in their relationship. They come here when they're questioning things, or when they've broken up, or when they're coping with a breakup, etc. Based on your old threads, it seems to me that your relationship wasn't exactly sunshine and roses in the end. Why are you still mourning something that caused you so much pain? My only guess is that it's that time of the year when we reflect on our lives, and what's missing, and we gravitate towards the nice, old memories we have of that ex who was there when no one else was. I understand that. But...in doing a short cost/benefit analysis it seems to me that the memories seemed to have caused you more grief than good. In any event - I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this.
Storyrider Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Johan, the new year is full of possibilities. If you are open to them, some of them will probably come to you. And if you go out to meet them...well, all the better. I know this sounds hokey as it is almost two in the morning, I am half drunk and dealing with baffling issues of my own...but, for what it's worth... Happy New Year!
Trialbyfire Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 It takes time to get over someone you cared deeply for. Certain incidents and special moments trigger memories. You are only human. Best wishes for a better 2007.
fatty Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Hey johan, I empathize with you my fellow comrade. My ex g/f is with another man, even if she is not it still bothers me that I think these destructive thoughts. The sad thing is we broke up 2 years ago and tonight it is hitting me like a bag of bricks. I am torturing myself right now because I am only thinking about how happy she is without me. How some other man will caress her beautiful skin and kiss those sweet lips that make your heart melt. It is not going to be me. Also in this downward spiral I start comparing how much better she is than me. I FEEL fat, ugly and have nothing going for me while she has everything going for her. She is so charismatic, so nice and blah blah. Even though she has made me bitter towards women and has reminded me to never treat a woman like an angel again, I still love her. But I slowly am realizing that I gave my care and love to a person that was incompatible with me. I need to realize that she will make another man really happy but me and her are just incompatible together. I need to divert the energy and thought from her to me. I need to look at myself through my eyes and not hers. I should not compare myself to anyone let alone her. I just need to let go and feel free because I know I am a great person. Even though I have great afirmations, I just keep this self torture up as if I want to get hurt by this. I spent the NYE watching romantic movies ... kinda sad aint it. There is a scene in the 1942 "Casablanca" Where the hero, Ricky replies to his ex lover firmly. She tells ricky "Aren't you going to help because you loved me once, if not for my love then for a cause. Aren't you fighting for the same cause" He replies "The only cause I am fighting for is myself and always will be" I keep replaying that scene over to help me get over this hump. Other than that I am going down this hole for tonight. To the ladies who replied, I love what you guys wrote. It is really comforting. EDIT----- P.S. The saddest and the thing that made me cry the most is when she called today. She said "So who did you kiss at midnight due to the new year" I said "no one" and I knew she kissed someone but did not want to admit it due to me spending it alone. I have never felt so alone and depressed. I was watching movies and sulking while she was kissing and ringing in the new year with someone new.
Sand&Water Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 RE: Predestined phenomenon. Perhaps. But, nonetheless, a cold one indeed. Your entire post was distant, fuzzy, black and white for the mind to absorb. It is as though you're running away, scared from opening up and letting your feelings be known. You posted at 11:27 pm on the 31st of December of 2006. Sad. Complex, yet simple in definition. A man's worst nightmare to be in-depth thinking about his ex on new year's eve. But, in a disillusioned world this is the real side of the norm. You chose to live life in this mode. The past can't be erased. However, there is plenty of room to bring forth bright, vibrant, and happy days. You won't get over your ex. I tell this now. And, it's not because you're foolish or simply a nice man. It is the way you cage yourself in a black jagged restrictive cave. It is best to re-embrace Johan [ -and no one else]. It is evident you use logic to support your findings and truths but that, alone, is not enough. A normal, decent woman is not the solution. Sand&Water
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