Author Arianna72 Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 Well, still no phone call. I know I should be waiting for him to call me but I so want to just pick up the phone and call him right now. Thing is I know he will eventually call me but the longer it takes the worse I feel. I didn’t want to be playing these stupid phone games with anyone again. I liked being able to just pick up the phone and call him because I wanted to say hi. I liked that he did the same thing. Now there is all this weirdness. I go between being very sad and being somewhat angry. I am also somewhat worried that he has talked to our friend, I know I probably said more to him than I should have about how I was feeling and he may have also mentioned the pretty boy at the bar, I know I did nothing wrong but he likely still felt hurt (course so was I). I also realize that I haven’t really told him how I feel about him. I have been keeping things back because I didn’t want to scare him away. I want to call him and tell him that I am really hurt that he did this but that I really do care about him a lot and am willing to let it go. That maybe we should slow things down a lot between us but that I don’t want him out of my life entirely. Someone reaffirm for me that I should just wait for him to call.
Island Girl Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 You should just wait for him to call. I know you want to say a lot to him but DON'T. It appears that these may be 'games' to you but the dance between males and females in relationships is just that -- a dance. Sometimes one person is leading - sometimes the other. What he has done as far as chatting with women or e-mailing them is a betrayal. At this point you should not be concerned with who tells him what. Certainly don't put any more out there for anyone to tell him -- talk to us or friends you can trust - but so what if he finds out about "pretty boy"? He should know you are desirable. That just confirms it. You have nothing to be sorry for so don't get sucked into that mindset. It is just a justifying process so that you have a reason to call him and straighten it out. It is not your screw up so YOU should not be the one trying to fix it. If he doesn't try to fix it - he is not in the relationship with you 100% and that is better to know now than later. Just think about it, if this is how he treats someone he is dating - how would he treat someone he is commited to? Generally the treatment is better before the commitment. After is when the 'real' problems come out. You haven't been in a relationship for that long. And already there are these VERY serious warning signs. Your Red Flag Alarm should be sounding off loudly and I am wholly surprised it is not. Even his reaction to an issue that should be discussed is alarming. How would he behave if something happened in a marriage? Shut down and not talk? Who needs that? You would really end up walking on egg shells just praying he doesn't get angry and wall himself off from you. The inevitable is a relationship where you are constantly putting more and more effort in - sacrificing more and more of yourself. That is a recipe for heartbreak. Your self-respect will suffer. His respect for you will suffer. The writing on the wall is a break-up that would be very painful for you. Just draw the hard lines now. They are not stupid. Most guys are aware when they screw up. It is just a question of whether or not he cares enough to fix it. You can't push it to make it happen. You can't help him do the work. He has to want the relationship and you enough to want to try to discuss it and work it out. You deserve to be extended the same courtesy you tried to show him -- an adult discussion to resolution. Just keep telling yourself - you didn't do anything wrong; HE DID. So why should you make it okay for him?
guin_girl Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Well, still no phone call. I know I should be waiting for him to call me but I so want to just pick up the phone and call him right now. Thing is I know he will eventually call me but the longer it takes the worse I feel. I didn’t want to be playing these stupid phone games with anyone again. I liked being able to just pick up the phone and call him because I wanted to say hi. I liked that he did the same thing. Now there is all this weirdness. I go between being very sad and being somewhat angry. I am also somewhat worried that he has talked to our friend, I know I probably said more to him than I should have about how I was feeling and he may have also mentioned the pretty boy at the bar, I know I did nothing wrong but he likely still felt hurt (course so was I). I also realize that I haven’t really told him how I feel about him. I have been keeping things back because I didn’t want to scare him away. I want to call him and tell him that I am really hurt that he did this but that I really do care about him a lot and am willing to let it go. That maybe we should slow things down a lot between us but that I don’t want him out of my life entirely. Someone reaffirm for me that I should just wait for him to call. Hey Arianna, Hang in there hon. Let him call you. When he does, you will feel better that you waited. It's so hard, trust me I know. I'm struggling with mine too. Made it through New Year's Eve without him and made it through New Year's Outback Bowl together. We had a nice evening with his friends, but I think that he scared himself again by breaking down the platonic barrier I was trying to maintain with him. Only time will tell how our stories will fare out, we can only hope we are as lucky as DDL!
Lola65 Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Hello Happy New Year! I am sorry that you are going through a similiar situation that I put up with. My ex and I (we have been broken up for a year and a half now) started out very similiar to this. He was getting over a relationship and "had" to see his ex. I was young and falling in love with the guy so I was upset, but put up with it. We went through a tug of war back and forth and a period of time where he did not want to be called boyfriend and girlfriend. There were BIG red flags waving at me and I ignored them. What he did in this process of resisting a relationship was make himself seem more desireable and when all was said and done and he decided that we could have the titles and act like bf/gf...I thought that I had won the prize. Well, I was seriously wrong. I ended up dealing with him calling his ex all the time while we were even living together, him calling other girls he met at work and although he doesn't admit it, cheating on me. I am not saying this is exactly what you will end up with, but a man that is falling in love with you would not want to see his ex. You need to put a stop to this hot and cold crap he is dishing out. Do not call him. You deserve to be with someone who is 110% sure that they want to be with you, no grey areas. I wish you luck and love (with the right guy ;0) ) in 07'. -Lola
Author Arianna72 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 I am a bit confused by some of what you said Island Girl. He has not chatted online or off with any women even though he and I are not in a committed relationship he has made it clear he doesn’t want to be with other people (I am very certain on this point and not even a little concerned it just isn’t his style). So not sure what betrayal you are referring to. He has been nothing but wonderful up until the NYE cancellation and he has never shown any signs of being angry about anything (with me or anyone else). He is a very levelheaded guy and he is always open to talking about issues. I have never had him “shut-down” or not talk to me and he is often the one to start discussions. We have not had any fights or anything and I feel like I can talk to him about anything and don’t feel like I am “walking on eggshells” which is a big part of why I am so happy with him. I find it highly unlikely that he would ever turn into the kind of guy that gets angry and shuts himself off. The only thing I have held back on a bit is fully expressing how much I like him because I think it is too soon and I don’t want to scare him away (frankly I think I am falling in love with him). I am fairly certain that saying that at this point would make him pull away just because I know he really doesn’t want to hurt me and he isn’t ready for that yet. Guess I am not sure what other parts of the situation you are saying my Red Flag Alarm should be sounding off on. It certainly is sounding off in terms of him hanging out with his ex and canceling our plans but this is the first time in 2 months he has ever cancelled on me and it is the only time he has spent evening time with the ex. He has helped her around her place a couple times doing things like chopping firewood and what not but I honestly don’t expect him to cut all contact with her as I know that he is concerned for her well being and worries about her and her daughter.
Island Girl Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I can understand the confusion I pasted but I forgot to "cut" - sorry. I tried to 'edit' but someone posted immediately after me and I couldn't. Okay he is telling you all of this great stuff that is leading you to fall for him. It is wonderful when you are together - romantic and fun. He knows it. Let me guess, there are lots of talks and sharing about feelings, etc. He is telling you he is not ready for a relationship but at the same time telling you he wants you to be "fully there" putting a hand over your heart at the same time. He says wonderful things to you about how the two of you are together, etc. What does that mean? -- To me, any guy who is leading me down a path of caring so much about him should be right next to me on the SAME path. Not pulling back, holding back, or telling me he somehow "isn't ready". 'If you aren't ready - or don't know what you want - then DON'T string me along!' This should be your attitude especially if you are supposed to be such good friends. He cancelled on NYE and went out with his ex. However much he is worried about her - it is also hurtful to her to not encourage her to go elsewhere for comfort. Do you know how they broke up? Have you been privvy to the communication between the two of them? My senses tell me he is just as conflicted when it comes to her and he says very caring/loving things to her too. I, again, have no doubt he cares -- BUT -- he feels what he says just as much as he says what he feels. If he says it, he feels it - I hope that makes sense...if it doesn't I'll explain. You are dealing with the heart of a selfish romantic. My fear is you are leaping forward and it may be quicksand. If you don't pull back to a friendship with dating ('out dates' not 'in dates') you could be setting yourself up for tremendous insecurity in the relationship. He needs to be aware that if he wants you, he has to want you and only you. You can still be friends and go out on dates, etc. But it is dangerous territory to constantly allow the romance and shared feelings while he is consistently telling you he is not all the way in the relationship.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 While I was writing my response he finally called me. He ran into another friend of ours who mentioned that I wanted to talk to him. Apparently he genuinely did not think I wanted to talk to him right now and was very surprised when I said I was happy to hear from him. The night before NYE during our long conversation I had at one point basically told him I was done with the whole thing and he did say that he would always be there and that “his phone was always on” if I wanted to reconsider. I told him that “my phone might be off for a bit” as I felt I needed sometime to let go. Of course after all that was said we continued talking and I ended up changing my mind about walking away from him. I thought it was clear by my staying the night there and not walking away that I still wanted to be with him and that my phone would not be off but apparently it was not so clear to him. When he left me the message on NYE and I returned his call he thought I had hung up on him and that I was angry with him. I did get off the phone rather quickly as he said he was setting up a firework and had to go. I just said “ok bye then” (I admit I was still feeling hurt and that probably did translate over the phone) but apparently he didn’t mean he had to get off the phone right then and thus he felt like I hung up on him. Anyhow we talked a bit about the whole thing. He said it turned out he could have just invited me to the party and everyone would have been fine with that. He said that now he “knew that and wished he would have” but wasn’t sure how it would go over initially. He explained that he had just got invited to the party on Saturday. It was a party about a 1-hour drive from here for a bunch of the licensed pyro-technicians in the area (which he is also and does in his spare time). He is currently a building contractor (owns his business) and makes very good money doing that but he loves making and setting off fireworks. He has been considering doing this on a more regular basis and so felt it was an important opportunity for him to get to know more of them and possibly get a few more job referrals. Last year he did the big 4th of July show here in town but he wants to do more stuff around the state. Apparently the ex also knows a lot of these people and thus she was invited to the party as well. He thought it would be awkward to invite me along since she was going and apparently is closer friends with the people who own the property the party was being held at than he is so he didn’t want to upset anything. He was very sweet on the phone and apologized for hurting me. He likes me a lot and thinks I am wonderful. I am going to move more slowly for a bit just because I am still worried about the whole ex thing but she does know that he and I are hanging out right now and he swears he has no desire to go back there. Not sure if that means I should stop staying the night with him, I suppose if I decide it does I will have to explain that to him as thus far we have been doing a lot of that. I don’t want him to think I have less interest in him. I just want to make sure he does not feel pressured to make a decision about us right now and I certainly don’t want to put too much into this before he knows what he is doing and what he wants in the end. It has after all only been almost 2 months since we started dating. There is no big rush and I definitely think this guy is worth waiting for at least a bit longer.
guin_girl Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Arianna, I'm glad he called you were able to tell him how you feel. And how much better was it that he called you I too have made the decision to no longer stay at "my" guy's house. He's become a little more attentive since I made that decision and keeps hoping I will change my mind. It's good to know that the invite is always there, that way I know someone else isn't
Author Arianna72 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Ahh that explains my confusion about your post Island Girl I understand this post far better Yes there are definitely lots of talks and sharing about feelings. I agree that he should be on the same path and that he is not signifies to an extent “stringing me along”. He has said that his heart is very much in this but that his head (logical side) keeps telling him that it is too soon to start something up again, that he doesn’t know what he is ultimately doing with his life right now. (both his parents died in the last year and he is still trying to decide if he even wants to stay in the area or possibly move back east). I do know how they broke up. They had been together for almost 2 years and apparently he never really felt like they had an actual “partnership”. They got together while her son was very sick (died of cancer) and he was for the most part the guy who took care of her and her family. She was never very affectionate with him and never really gave him the impression she actually cared about him for who he was but rather for what he could do for her. (friends who know her have confirmed this is the kind of person she is) He stayed after her son died because he felt it would be wrong to leave her. When both his parents died he was of course very depressed and he felt like she was not there for him at all. I know he does care about her deeply but it sounds more like a case where he stuck around for her but she didn’t do the same for him. It also would appear that their whole relationship was basically a series of very tragic events happening to both of them. They stopped having any intimate contact back in May and he finally made the official break-up in August. I am sure in a sense he does love her but it is not the kind of love he wants from a relationship. He did let me read a letter she wrote him a month after we started seeing each other. It kind of made me feel a bit ill. It didn’t acknowledge any of the reasons he left her to begin with and mostly just talked about how much she hated the idea of him being with me. She said she missed him and that she really needed him and that she was sorry she was not more understanding when his parents died. He said at that time it was just one more reason he could never go back. Because she doesn’t even realize why he left to begin with. I am sure he does say caring loving things to her and I know if I was her I would be very confused by his decision to go spend NYE with her. But he did tell her that he would have brought me along if he had felt she could handle that. I understand what you are saying “he feels what he says just as much as he says what he feels. If he says it, he feels it” though I also understand how difficult it can be when your head says one thing and your heart another. I am going to try to pull back a bit I just want to make sure and not pull back too much. He says he does only want me right now and I can’t imagine that not being true as he has told many people I am the best thing that has ever happened for him. I also know I need to protect myself a bit because you are right. He is not “all the way in the relationship” right now and I clearly am.
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