amaysngrace Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 I don't know what to do. This guy I've known forever is coming up from California in about two weeks. I really like this guy. He's the one I first slept with after my divorce, but he lives in Cali. He's a real good role model for my kids, has his act together and takes really good care of himself. He has properties in three states, but unfortunately not in Jersey. Last time I saw him was May. My current BF is awesome too. He's coming around and has stepped up to be what I need him to be regarding my children and myself. He treats me really great and we often say we wish we met years ago so my kids could be his kids too. He'd do anything for me and I know he loves me completely. But he drinks. It's his resolution so I have time to decide if he's going to honor it before the other one gets here. The other one doesn't drink at all. My question is do I tell my BF this guy is coming up? I feel kinda like a creep for keeping it from him really. But I don't want him to be feeling down about it either. He knows how much I dig this California guy. He's like a fairytale to me. Sometimes I wish my BF didn't live just three blocks away. If he sees Cali tags in my driveway he's gonna lose it. And I sure would pity that guy from California. What am I suppose to do??
Pyro Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 You love your BF, plain and simple. Did you have plans to see the Cali guy? Tell your BF about him and if he has any problem with the guy, than don't see him. Just my 2 cents.
Author amaysngrace Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 I mentioned it to CG that I had a BF a while ago. But I forgot to mention it yesterday when he called cause I was dumbfounded really. I wasn't planning on him coming back so soon. I feel like the CG is perfect for me. Something tells me if I pass this up I may regret it. He is a great guy. He just lives too far away but that could change. I'm confused.
Touche Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Wow, I'm rarely stumped. This is a tough one. I think you need to tell him. The only decent thing to do is to tell BOTH of them, really. Otherwise, if you really feel this is the guy for you then you need to break it off with your b/f and see where this goes. Like I said, I'm rarely stumped on advice. But this IS a tough one. You have to make a decision about one of them and give it your all. Talk to CG and see if he's even on the same page as you are before you make your decision.
JLO22 Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Well do your current BF live with you, have a key, how serious is the relationship? Does either guy know of each other? You need to let the CG know about your BF he can come visit and chill but he can not stay the night! Do he have a place or hotel to stay when he comes to Jersey? If so then you can see both but you need to let your CG know that you have a BF and work it from thier. Don't get your BF involed if you dont have to.... See what I'm saying!
JLO22 Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I think I need to start a theard I have a sim problem!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 Well do your current BF live with you, have a key, how serious is the relationship? Does either guy know of each other? You need to let the CG know about your BF he can come visit and chill but he can not stay the night! Do he have a place or hotel to stay when he comes to Jersey? If so then you can see both but you need to let your CG know that you have a BF and work it from thier. Don't get your BF involed if you dont have to.... See what I'm saying! I know JUST what you're saying. I don't want to tell my BF because he'll stress about it. He knows how I feel about this guy. But to tell you the truth I'm not even sure if I like him as much as I think I do (the Cali guy). We've known each other since I was 14. He's older than me by nine years and we never hooked up back then but I always loved his family and he was always a hottie. Last time he was up this way (May) he went and saw my parents and my mom gave him my number. He called and we met up and then he stayed the night. It was amazing. He's called me a few times since to check in. Come to think of it, he found out about my BF through a friend. One time he called and said 'what's this I hear?'. He was kinda bummed to hear I hooked up with another surfer. They have this way about them, surfer guys. Anyway I'm not telling my BF. Unless I come up with a solution to this. You know, I really think they'd like each other. Which takes my thinking into a whole new direction...hmm...I'm not even gonna go THERE!
Touche Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Yeah, dream on, Grace! LOL, yeah, they're really going to love each other!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 Yeah, dream on, Grace! LOL, yeah, they're really going to love each other! Hey thanks for that! OMG, I gotta get off this computer and go get ready to go out. I promised BF we'd f*ck into the new year. He says he always wanted to but his exW never went along. I never did this so I think it's gonna be different. One NYE I could've gotten my exH a chick to join us. She was way into me. She kept following me onto the dance floor and coming on to me. I almost brought her home with us so I could be spared of having sex with my husband...I didn't want her but I thought maybe he would. Anyway, in the words of Eddie Murphy: MERRY NEW YEAR! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 He's coming around and has stepped up to be what I need him to be regarding my children and myself. Stop trying to change someone int o something YOU want them to be. It is not all about YOU YOU YOU! Your BF will either stress (if you tell him) or freak (when he finds out). You are obviously planning in seeing CG regardless of your boyfriend's feelings. You don't love him. The right thing to do is to bang him tonight so he can ring in the New Year with a bang. And then ditch him tomorrow. When Cali Guy comes to town, exBF will freak for sure, but hey at least you will have ditched him. Bang the Cali Guy good enough so he decides to want property in 4 states and then you can call it a good start to a complicated year!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 Stop trying to change someone int o something YOU want them to be. It is not all about YOU YOU YOU! Well I talked to him about it. Big mistake or is it? He's mad at me and never wants to speak to me again. I told him I won't see the guy when he comes to town but that wasn't good enough. He looked me dead in the eye and called me a f-ing bitch. He said I'm just like every other woman he's known. So be it. I'm glad in a way. I was honest and I caught crap for it. I'm glad we broke up. I just gotta convince myself it's for a reason. Which I know it is. His reaction made this whole dilemma of mine extremely easy. Right now I'm a little sad about it all but I know in time it'll make perfect sense. You can think I am selfish and whatever else you'd like, tyasafahicsi, but when it comes to my life I think I have every right to be concerned with what suits me and my children the best. And decide what's right for me accordingly. I know what I have with this man. I know who the other one is pretty well too. Yeah, my exBF and I had a pretty cool relationship but I truly believe that I am a common component in both of these relationships with these guys. And if they are both pretty cool relationships, well then that just says a lot about me. Sometimes it's better to face change than to just accept the life you live as it is. I'm really looking forward to the unknown. And yeah, it's my life. Therefore it is very much about me, me, me.
bluetuesday Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 gee, a break up isn't the best way to start the new year. sorry to hear this news. although you seem pretty healthy about it which is the only way to be, and maybe the guy from cali can help put a back on your face. i assume the ex never did get you to agree to being filmed on his mobile phone..? if you're looking for a bright side, that could be it.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 You can think I am selfish and whatever else you'd like, tyasafahicsi, but when it comes to my life I think I have every right to be concerned with what suits me and my children the best. And decide what's right for me accordingly. My original post was not meant as a bash on yo being selfish--honestly. It was more about trying to make someone into something that he is not. I agree, that your life should be about YOU YOU YOU, but the other person has that same right. When they mesh--it's a beautiful thing. These ones apparently did not, and you will both be sad for a while, but it will be ok!
IpAncA Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I'm sorry but that was such a stupid reason to break up with you. Was he mad because you didn't tell him sooner or was it that he was coming to town? Either way thats still a stupid reason IMO. Well on the good side maybe this other guy has feelings for you so that would be a good thing right?
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I'm sorry but that was such a stupid reason to break up with you. Was he mad because you didn't tell him sooner or was it that he was coming to town? Either way thats still a stupid reason IMO. Well on the good side maybe this other guy has feelings for you so that would be a good thing right? So, if your boyfriend told you that a woman from his past was coming to stay for a while and you were planning to go out together it would be fine. Knowing that your boyfriend feels this woman is his ultimate fantasy...knowing that they have slept together in the past..\ WTF?
jerbear Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I have to side with TYASAFAHICSI. There was also another thread on unresolved feelings. If my gf had unresolved feelings, I would distance myself and MAYBE end the relationship. It is one thing to think about it and another to act on it. It is obvious that she likes the CA guy and wants something to do with him. It is the action part that would kill it off for me. Not many guys can deal with bigger bulges in the pockets AND have their GF mention that he is her dream guy. Get your head out of the gutter! The bigger buldge is in reference to his properties in 3 (maybe 4 now) states.
Author amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 i assume the ex never did get you to agree to being filmed on his mobile phone..? if you're looking for a bright side, that could be it. You know, it was one of the first things I thought of...I was thinking 'thank God I didn't agree to that!' So I will be sad I guess but like I said before it's got to be for a reason. All things are.
Author amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 I'm sorry but that was such a stupid reason to break up with you. I'm not sure if it was a stupid reason but it says a lot about the relationship I just got out of. If we couldn't talk and be civil to one another, which is what I was hoping to do, then I really was just wasting my time with him. I told him because I was feeling crappy about keeping it from him. I guess he'd have preferred the secret? Or me screwing around on him? Or a woman half-interested in another guy? Maybe if he hadn't drank so much he'd have had a clear head. And not to knock him but it is cumbersome trying to be his clear head all the time.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Grace---see you are almost admitting that you woudl be screwing around on him. If you are exclusive with someone you should not be screwing around. If you are not--then fine, but everyone needs to know. Obviously he thought there was more there (in terms of exclusivity) than you did and he reacted as to be expected. You do get kudos for telling him thoogh.
IpAncA Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 So, if your boyfriend told you that a woman from his past was coming to stay for a while and you were planning to go out together it would be fine. Knowing that your boyfriend feels this woman is his ultimate fantasy...knowing that they have slept together in the past..\ WTF? Well my H would be an idiot to not tell me one of this female friends was staying with us. And would be a further idiot to think that I would be ok with it. Now if he was my bf at the time he would still be an idiot because he would have no business having female friends stay with him for such a long period of time or anytime for that matter. In fact if he did that I would have probably myself broken up with him if he knew how I felt about it and still did it anyway. Now I didn't know that this CG was going to be staying with her. I just assumed that he was going to be coming over to see her a few times. Sounds harmless if things didn't get out of hand. Should she have said something earlier? Yes, BUT she even said that she couldn't even talk to him about that. So that does say something about the relationship and I'm actually glad that she isn't with him anymore. He didn't even want to listen to what she said or even wanted to listen to her when she said that she wouldn't see him. They couldn't even talk about it. Makes me wonder what else they couldn't talk about because she was thinking about seeing this other guy. Doesn't sound like there was a strong relationship to begin with.
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I was honest and I caught crap for it. I'm glad we broke up. You didn't break up because you were honest with him.. He broke up with you because you had NOT been honest with him. Honest would've been telling your BF way before last night that you were still stuck on the Cali Guy and shouldn't be dating anyone right now Telling him was a good thing.. pat yourself on the back.. But save that you were honest and it got you broken up as that is hogwash to make yourself feel better.. Well now you have cleared the decks for Cali Guy
My Fair Katie Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I guess he'd have preferred the secret? Or me screwing around on him? Or a woman half-interested in another guy? Maybe he would have prefered to know up front that you were emotionally involved with another LDR. Maybe he would've prefered to know that you were half-interested in another guy before he got involved and fully interested in YOU. Not that I think you should kick yourself over it, ya'all weren't meant to be. Did you handle it in the best way? Well, it's not how I would have handled it, and if any of my boyfriends had done the same to me I would've been crushed, but I'm sure I've done pretty inconsiderate things in the past as well, so who am I to throw stones? We all learn, we all move on. And that's what is most important, how you move on from here. I hope all works out for you (and your kids). All the best for '07!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 To make one thing clear, I was not planning to sleep with the Cali Guy. I was thinking of having him meet me at my parents house actually. My parents really like him. My mom especially. My mom has never met my exBF. I invited him many times to come with me there but he never did. He treated me like crap the more I think about it. He got divorced last Feb. His exW cheated on him and got pregnant by another man. I paid for her sins. It all came out last night. He was never going to let me in. He talked about it and he said some nice things but truly if I mattered so much to him he would have opened up more and let me into his world. I never met his parents either. But I wanted to. He knew I wanted to. His heart is hard. I tried like hell. I gave it all I had. And I really think if he was treating me properly in the first place when the issue of the Cali Guy came up I would not have hesitated to tell Cali about my involvement with my BF. Seeing how I didn't tells me that something important to me was missing in my relationship with my exBF. Or I wouldn't have thought twice about seeing the other guy. I'm really not as cruel as some of you may think I am. I'd like to get closure now but I have many items in my house from my exBF. What do I give back? He's given me a bunch of knicknacks his exW and he got while they were married. Plus a picture he drew. Plus my Christmas presents from him. Should I give it all back or what?
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Give his stuff back to him. Gifts to you are yours. Don't deny your past. Pack them away and put them on a shelf in the closet! Grace, I was not coming down on you, and don't think you handled it wrong. We all make bad decisions from time to time but the worst decision is no decision. For you it seems to have been the right one. It is a new year, enjoy your time with Cali Guy and if it works out -- wondeful. If not, then look at 2007 as a new beginning. Cheers!
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