sunmoon Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 My story may sound the same as every other OW, but I am looking for some kinda experienced advice:( ...I'm sad. I've been seeing this MM for almost a year now. I knew he was married from the start. His wife cheated on him in March of this year. His relationship with her is very stale (as they broke up once before 5 yrs ago) He's been married to her for 10 yrs with 2 children (one 2 yr old and one 3 yr old). He's only 33 yrs old. I am 32. I have never had such a connection, I feel so happy with him, I am so happy when I'm with him...we're soulmates and everyone who knows us can see the amazing connection and love. I LOVE this man SOOOO much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. His wife i think knows about "something" going on, but has never really come out and asked him... he tells me too...that he will leave her etc....but the financial situation he is really worried about, but of child supposrt etc,,,,Excuses right ladies/gentlemen?!?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I believe he really does love me-he does-but I can't continue this without something giving here, I fear what will happen to me emotionally because I am so attached to him, i feel pathetic... any advice ?
Seen_It_All Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 We're soulmates and everyone who knows us can see the amazing connection and love. If I had a dime for every OW who called her MM her 'soulmate' I'd be rich. If I had a dime for every MM who actually LEFT his wife for his supposed 'soulmate,' I'd be living on skid row eating out of garbage cans. ...but the financial situation he is really worried about, child supposrt etc,,,,Excuses right ladies/gentlemen?!?! LOL...ya think? I guess he's put a price tag on the worth of your being his 'soulmate' because he's worried more about finances - and what he stands to LOSE - than being with his soulmate and one true love. Gosh, where have I heard this same exact story - about 3 million times or more - before? Oh yeah, on OW boards. Now here's the REAL bottom line. If you really want to be with someone who would desert his own family, then I wish you all the luck in the world. You'd be getting extremely flawed goods at best.
Author sunmoon Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 not sure what u mean by desert his family.....??? when u leave your wife-u leave her...confused. I want him to leave her, but do it the right way
Author sunmoon Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 not sure what u mean by desert his family-i want him to just get a divorce that right way. should he stay in a broken marriage just for kids and family....NO
Ladyjane14 Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I want him to leave her, but do it the right way "The right way" would be to make a decision based singularly on the marriage and not involve an additional person. As long as YOU are present in the shadows of the marriage, the decision is not unbiased or based singularly upon the condition of the marriage and family dynamic. You become a contributor to the demise of the family, even if that is not your original intent. When you look at it that way... the MM has placed the 'smoking gun' in your hands rather than to take responsibility for his own sh*t. When someone puts their own responsibilities off onto the shoulders of another, they're also able to transfer the blame if things go awry. Your best bet is to tell him to sort his problems out, and not come back until he does. The guy has come to you with 'empty pockets' for all intents and purposes.
frannie Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 he tells me too...that he will leave her etc....but the financial situation he is really worried about, but of child supposrt etc,,,,Excuses right ladies/gentlemen?!?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I believe he really does love me-he does-but I can't continue this without something giving here, I fear what will happen to me emotionally because I am so attached to him, i feel pathetic... any advice ? So they're cheating on each other..? Are you sure she's been cheating on him, or is he just making it sound like a terrible marriage..? The bottom line is, if he's not going to leave and you don't want to be the OW, then you have to end it. You could go on for years with him coming up with reasons he can't do it, and they may ALL be genuine... but at the end of the day... what does that matter? If you're in a situation that makes you unhappy, then you have to look at what you can change. He may take years to leave, or he may never leave. In the meantime, you can't hang the possibility of your happiness on whether someone else does or doesn't do something... its a very poor position to be in. But you know all that. That's why you feel 'pathetic'... but you're not, you're just in a bad position. Take a look at what you can do to change this. It's hard looking in from the outside when all we can see is the bare bones of a situation (how long married, how many kids, says he wants to leave...) they all sound pretty much the same. Maybe keep talking to people here and read some threads to see if anything makes sense to you in what you see of other people's situations. Anyway, welcome to the board, and be prepared for all kinds of answers. For the record I've been with a MM for almost 3 years.
puddleofmud Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 One thing that has ocurred to me more that once on this forum: when the "financial situation" is an excuse how much does the OW really know about the actual finances of their partner? Or even anyone who is wishing for a life-long relationship with someone? Do we know anything about how much they make vs. their expenses/ credit/loans? HOW they spend their $$$, how much is their mortage, car payments, how much they would or do pay in child or spousal support? How much they commit to saving, or even their attitudes about money? I doubt many do actually know as one is usually not privy to bank accounts/ financial affairs until long after "falling in love, if at all! So how can one really know that finances are an actual factor vs. the possibility that one may not wish to pay child or spousal support when they realistically could afford to do so? Also, just because one appears solvent it could be because they are deeply over-financed and over their heads in debt. How could we know???
sadbuttrue Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 sm, i am sorry you feel so terrible. you just have to decide whether being with him--flaws and all-- is worth feeling the way you do right now. my MM has told me that he is not leaving his M, and so far i am still here, because i love him and do not want to be without him. he loves me too, but will not leave because he also has two small children. i do feel sad at times because we do not have a "real" R. but for me, i need to stay. i think you just have to decide what is most important for you. do you stay and be miserable a good amount of the time with whatever little good times there are, or do you leave and find your own "real" happiness with someone who will devote all of themselves to you?
pureinheart Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Hey SM.... Thank you for putting your story out there....I don't know what these guys have or what voo doo they work, but they have a way of catching us, reeling us in an on it goes....I felt like ex-MM and family had a doll they were sticking pins in and calling it me.... They somehow manipulate us into believing that we are the only ones, the soulmate thing, the connection...I am not cutting you down, it is the way I felt too and so many OW have also..... The right thing to do, if he truly respects you is to distance himself from you until he makes a decision, and then after making the decision, respect you and his W enouph to follow through, and should he choose D, then distance himself from both of you until it is final. More so than not these types of people are about themselves, making excuses every step of the way...most don't leave what they have become accustomed to.
Author sunmoon Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 Frannie you have given me alot of insight.thank you thank all of you. Utimately in the end, I deserve better. We all do. I think it's just a matter of time, until I blow my top with this Bullsh%t..I love him, but I can't do this forever....
GreenEyedLady Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I have to agree with Frannie and POM... If you are sad and not having your needs met, you should really think about ending it...or you just have to accept that you are going to be unhappy alot of the time, unless he is willing to do better...you have to decide for yourself if it's worth it to you... I've been with mine for almost two years (our anniversary is coming up)...I've only known his marital status for less than half that amount of time...the thing is that when I get upset with the situation and talk to him about it, he does better...I'm willing to wait it out, because he is trying and has done alot of things that I didn't expect... You might try talking to him and telling him how you feel and see if he's willing to compromise and meet you halfway, whatever that is...believe what he does, not what he says... And welcome to the board...GEL
Recommended Posts