Toaster Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Hello everyone. Long time lurker, third time poster. My ex gf left me 2 months ago. We were together for a year and a half. We had a semi-LDR as I went to college about 50 mi from our hometown. It was inconvienent, but we did see each other about every month and several times during vacations. I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend. It was magical. I never knew I could find my dream girl in the real world. She had a great personality that just made me melt. She was my princess. The break up happened shortly after she got into college. A couple days before, she acted strange, like something was bothering her, but she couldn't say it. I tried to find out, but got fed up with her stonewalling. She didn't call for the rest of the week. I came home that weekend, eager to spend time with her. She pretended to not remember I came home (she has NEVER done that before) and then frequently apologize for it. I said it wasn't a big thing and to come over. She did, but you could tell she was very upset (not mad, just sad looking). After a while she cheered up, and we went out. When we came back to my place, she became catatonic again and then left. I knew deep down right there that I was losing her, but I wasn't sure. The next morning, I get a message saying she's tired of me. I'm floored. She calls later and has a very bad attitude, like I've done her really wrong, saying it's all my fault, that I'm boring her and that she was never happy with me, but stayed anyway because I was kind to her. I told her to come over here and tell me that to my face, because I'm not going to let her break up with me over the phone. She comes over and she's completely different. Very subdued, not a trace of the attitude that she had earlier. She doesn't even look me in the eye. She says she just wants to be friends, and that she's not interested in a relationship with anyone. I say fine, but don't act like you don't already have the next guy lined up. She denies it. But at the same time, she doesn't want to leave, we spent most of the time in silence. I ask is that it, and she's not sure. We talk and laugh lke old times, and she's hugging me. She says she's still madly in love with me. After a while, I ask her are you sure you want to do this, and she, meekly, says yes. I walk away and haven't seen her since. Since then, I haven't contacted her. Nor she me. She has a myspace and I've looked at it, but there is nothing there for me. Recently her status chaged to in a relationship, confrming my suspicions that she left me for some other guy who she could see more often. She is a freshman in college, 18, and has made a new circle of friends. I guess she doesn't want to feel connected to me, as I apparently detract from her social life. After 2 months of strict NC, I still miss her. I don't want a relationship, but I feel as though she hates me. I don't know what else to do other than to continue NC and hope for the best.
notmakingsense Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 This is a very normal, very typical story for young people. It may be another guy, it may not be -- and it really doesn't matter. What matters is that she withdrew from you and what you should do as a result. You are doing the right thing by continuing NC -- because you are still hurting inside, and NC is the fastest way to heal. If you haven't already, it is time for you to start focusing on yourself -- friends, school, sports, hobbies. Get yourself to the point where you feel good about yourself and see visions of yourself meeting great gals! If you havent read these yet, here are some of my favorite posts to read when I feel weak and want to contact an ex: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70200/ Good luck to you! We're here to help.
Author Toaster Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks, notmakingsense! I'm almost positive it was for another guy. But you are right, it doesn't matter anymore. I have made new friends (we don't have the same circle of friends) at college and they're all cool. I've been out with them several times and enjoy the company. I want to get into the gym when school starts as I am unhappy with my weight. But in the end, I am happier with myself now than i have been ever in my life. There are times where I feel that either she doesn't talk to me because she hates me, or because she thinks I hate her. I know NC is for me and my healing, but what about the feelings for her that haven't diminished?
notmakingsense Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 There are times where I feel that either she doesn't talk to me because she hates me, or because she thinks I hate her. I know NC is for me and my healing, but what about the feelings for her that haven't diminished? There is nothing to indicate that she hates you... I think that this is a simple case of her being guilty about how she caused it to end, and she avoided any difficult conversations. Look at it this way: If she doesn't have the strength to get past her guilt or fear of confrontation in order to reach out to you, then she also doesn't have the level of desire to have a long term relationship with you. Regarding the feelings you still have for her? They will subside with time. I'll bet that they start subsiding really quickly once you start dating again! Don't worry about how long it seems to be taking, everyone is different.
Author Toaster Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 Then why did she stay with me for over a year, with minimal problems? She said over the phone that she felt "this way" for some time, but didn't tell me how long. It was almost as if she was shifting guilt to me by making it seem that she was doing me a favor by telling me now, as opposed to saying nothing and then telling me after we had goten married. I think guilt and immaturity are only a small portion of it. I feel that I've done something very wrong to her, but I haven't the foggiest idea as to what it is. She told me repeatedly tha I was the nicest, most kind person she's ever known. If she loved me as much as she professed to, talking to me about keeping our relationshop alive wouldn't be something you avoid. I know they will subside, but I don't want her to become an irretrievable part of my past.
notmakingsense Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Then why did she stay with me for over a year, with minimal problems? She said over the phone that she felt "this way" for some time, but didn't tell me how long. It was almost as if she was shifting guilt to me by making it seem that she was doing me a favor by telling me now, as opposed to saying nothing and then telling me after we had goten married.I think guilt and immaturity are only a small portion of it. I feel that I've done something very wrong to her, but I haven't the foggiest idea as to what it is. She told me repeatedly tha I was the nicest, most kind person she's ever known. If she loved me as much as she professed to, talking to me about keeping our relationshop alive wouldn't be something you avoid. I'm not sure I follow your logic regarding shifting the guilt to you, nor is it likely that you have done something very wrong to her without yourself even having a clue at all. People fall out of love, and when that happens, they feel guilty -- especially when their partners don't have a clue, and when this happens, many people choose to avoid confrontation about it. I'm sure you hate being talked to like this, but at your ages -- this is so normal. I know they will subside, but I don't want her to become an irretrievable part of my past. The memory of your first love will be a permanent one, and it is the loss of our first loves that hurt a lot. I'm much older now, but I still remember my first girlfriend as if it were yesterday. Would I want her again? No, because I've changed so much as a person and I know so much more about the people I get along with the best.
Author Toaster Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 In regards to shifting guilt, she acted as if I should be happy that she told me then, as opposed to not telling me and holding in the resentment longer. She also said that it's best that she goes now, before she "does something bad"--cheating on me. 2 months later, and I'm angry and hurt like it was yesterday. It's taking all of my strength to not fall into a pit of self-hatred and misogyny.
shawn_68 Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 In regards to shifting guilt, she acted as if I should be happy that she told me then, as opposed to not telling me and holding in the resentment longer. She also said that it's best that she goes now, before she "does something bad"--cheating on me. Toaster, it may be hard to hear, but it sounds like in her mind you were not the guy for her. For whatever reason. If this was her line of thinking, then you should be happy she told you before marriage or kids. Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, and I think she really did spare you some heartache that you don't see at this point. She could have told you sooner. But it's probably because you were very good to her. It may take some time to see but she did do you a favor. Chin up man.
jusified Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 well I'm in a similar position so you can look up my story somehow. Yea, if they want to break up with you let them, you know how good you are and if shes not right for you then it's better off happening now then later. Have confident in yourself and learn from the relationship to improve yourself and before you know it another cute girl will be coming along. Alot of young girls are like that, they want to know what else is out there, they change and wanna party and get guys attention (where the didn't get it in HS) and other factors, its not your fault. If it was meant to be and you were a good bf she will realise one day but for you its moving on and be indepandent.
Author Toaster Posted January 1, 2007 Author Posted January 1, 2007 I've read your story, jusified (no d?). We do have parts in common. Except there was no argument between her and I. She missed me terribly one week, it's over the next. I was fine when I was at school, when i had stuff to distract me, and I swore off her myspace. I look when I come home and it feels as though I'm coming apart. The main thoughts are her living it up with some new guy and what they might do together. I seriously want to just throw up when I think of that. I know there are other girls and that life goes on. But it's very depressing that it went down like this. I know she wants to do the whole wild girl phase, being with friends and finding new guys. As she said, she "just wants to be herself". It's just that it hurts that I'm the expendable one in her life. All I can do is continue to improve myself and continue NC.
jusified Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 its hard of cause but keep doing what you are doing. Down the line when you are with someone else you might realise how much better suited they are for you and realise the ex is the expendable one.
Author Toaster Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Can anyone tell me possible reasons why she hasn't called? It's been over 2 months and I still have feelings for her. (although a relationship can't work because I can't deal with a LDR again)
memorex1970 Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Because she has moved on! You should do the same, why you are wondering why she hasnt called and if she is ever gonna call you again you are not moving on. Seeing each other once a month is not really a relationship and as a few others have said this breakup has done you a favour. You have done very well with the NC and so has she, see it for what it was and meet new people! Good luck Nick
Author Toaster Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 It just that we were together for 1 1/2 years and we really loved each other. How can she just turn it off like that?
jusified Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 some people do that, that is who they are. You need to move on and find someone that is more loyal and committed. Just accept that on this earth there are all dfferent types of people.
Author Toaster Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 You all are probably right. I sent her a happy new years message. I don't expect a reply, so I guess this is the end of this chapter of my life. But if I can have one question it would be what did I do that was so bad to make her like this towards me.
bina Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 you probably didn't do a damn thing that was so bad. stop kicking yourself in the nuts over something that is out of your control. and yes, her feelings towards you are out of your control. i've been in a similar situation, and one of the hardest things to finally realize is that it probably has very little to do with anything you did. don't know why it's so hard to accept, but the other person just didn't see it. things will work out in the end, so no need to beat yourself up over anything. cheers.
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Quite often, the feelings aren't just "turned off"- the break up was probably a gradual feeling for her, wheras it came as a surprise to you. She was most likely thinking of ending things for a while, which is why it appears she is being so cold in healing faster. But the truth is that by the time she callously let you in on the news- she had already moved on and healed in her head. Does that make sense? My ex did that to me. When he dumped me he told me he had been miserable with me for months. I know now that he had been building up the courage to break up with me for some time before he actually got up the nerve to do it. We went into NC mode, and I reached out a couple times looking for answers, but he never responded. A couple days ago- almost 5 months later, he contacts me to meet for dinner. No, we're not getting back together- but we were able to look one another in the eyes and be friendly to one another. I felt a lot better knowing he didn't hate me anymore. I thought he did for some time and it threw my ego into a frenzy of guilt. You didn't do anything wrong- at some point she just realized that the love was lost and didn't choose to address this fact with you until she had already moved on mentally. You have to start living each day as if she is never coming back...you have to live each day as if you may never get the answers you desperately seek. It's still fresh for you, but time is your friend in all this. So is keeping busy and working on yourself. Living a good life is the best revenge against an ex. D
Author Toaster Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 Today was much better than the last couple of days. Mesaging her doesn't affect me like I thought it would. I worded the message so that a response wasn't necessary. I've shown that I bear no ill will towards her. Nothing left for me to do but go back into NC and let what happens happen.
Double D Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I wish you good well Toaster. You keep working on yourself, afterall if she doesnt want a great guy its her lost - RIGHT! You will have a moment when you can look back on the relationship fondly without eating you up inside, in the meantime allow yourself to get over this fully and properly and look forward to a awesome future. Keep going mate!
Author Toaster Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks for the support Double D!!(, my favorite letters, lol) I will continue to work on myself, as my flaws are very apparent to me for the first time. Despite those flaws, I still was a very supportive and caring person, and IT WAS HER LOSS!!! If we get back together or I find someone new, I'm still the winner in life. My future is bright and I can only go up from here.
Author Toaster Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Just a quick question for the women (but anyone can answer). What would be some possible reasons why a woman who you were there for in good times and bad simply stop all contact with you?
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Sometimes the spark just leaves the relationship- and it's easier for some people to simply disappear, rather than deal with a confrontation. Yes, this is cowardly, and it's unfair... If you didn't cheat or abuse her, then you have to stop beating yourself up and obsessing over what you did or didn't do to cause her to leave.
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