WonderWater Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Life amazes me sometimes - 3 days ago I was in the lowest place that I have been recently. I had so much self-pity and self-loathing that I was amazed that I got up in the morning. And yes, it was my MM who did this to me. Yesterday morning, I went into work to catch up on some stuff while it was quiet there. He was there. Not really wanting to deal with him, I tried to avoid him; but, I was unsuccessful. I ended up chatting with him for a little bit about completely stupid stuff. He gets really bothered because I don't tell him everything that happens in my life. I feel we don't have that type of relationship, and he certainly doesn't tell me everything about his life. And when he does it is to tell me about how he spent his evening with is wife (where they went to dinner, what they watched on TV, etc.) He doesn't even care how much that hurts me. So, he starts pushing me on why I don't share things with him, and I shut down. I don't want to bring emotional stuff into this relationship. Even though he thinks he is being a better friend to me by doing that, he doesn't realize that it is getting me emotionally involved, and I end up hurting. Then he started asking me about when I was going to start dating again, why I didn't tell him that I had a date lined up for New Year's Eve, and then he said, "You are going to have to tell me someday what you want from me". After that all he would say was that "We need to talk about what this is". Since we are in our place of work, neither one of us is really that comfortable talking about our ongoings - even if we were the only 2 people in the building. So, I went to bed last night knowing that this "talk" of ours is going to be him telling me that his New Year's resolution is to work on his marriage with his wife, to get rid of me, and to make sure he doesn't "hurt me" too much because I let myself get too involved. Guess what? I woke up this morning with huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I feel so alive today. If he can honestly look at his wife and tell her that he wants to be with her forever and keep to himself how he betrayed her for so long, then he is not the type of person that I want in my life. I am going to walk into this new year with my head held high, and without him holding me back.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 Good for you WW! Although, what if he doesn't tell you what you expect? Have you talked to him already? What happened?
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 You don't seem to be getting much out of the affair with him. He doesn't share much, you don't open up emotionally to him and he makes you feel bad. Take control of the situation and start DETACHING yourself from him. The fact he tells you stuff that he and his wife do together SHOULD be pissing you off as well as making you see that he doesn't view you as someone he respects. He knows how you feel about him, he's not stupid and I'm sure he's well aware that it hurts you to hear about his personal life at home with his wife. Maybe it's his way of slowly getting you to see this is "just" how things are...The situation itself. IS he worth it? What good are you getting out of him and your affair? How long do you intend staying the OW and being part of his life?
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 I am going to walk into this new year with my head held high, and without him holding me back. Good for you. You should be treated better. You are more than enough for any man. Any good man that is.
Author WonderWater Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 Thank you for the kind words all. It is now Tuesday and I was so nervous that the resolve that I woke up with the other day would disappear as the weekend wore on. But, it only got stronger. I went to my hometown for New Year's Eve and had a good time. I felt free and alive. No, we have not had that "talk". On the weekend and evenings, it is NC since he is with his wife. But, I can already predict how the day will go - about 5 sentences into our usual daily IM conversation, he will mention something a little risque or poke me about getting together and that will be it. In all honesty, I will probably get together with him because I want to see the look on his face with I tell him that I am ready to walk away.
Author WonderWater Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 How about this one for complete lack of respect? He asked me to go Xmas shopping with him to help him pick out gifts for his nieces and nephews. Since he has no kids, he has no clue what to buy young 'uns. And it ended up with me helping him pick out his wife's present. That was one of the lowest moments of my life, and probably the moment when I knew it needed to change.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 And it ended up with me helping him pick out his wife's present. That was one of the lowest moments of my life, and probably the moment when I knew it needed to change. He has some nerve to ask that of you. Just shows how little respect he has for you and for his wife...Yuk! Don't see him, just end it by phone or email. It's not worth seeing the look on his face. Plus, if you see him in person he may try to convince you NOT to end it...Not saying you'll give in, but why put yourself in a spot where saying NO to him is going to be difficult. Tell him that you're disguisted by his actions and you're done. enough is enough, affair is over then say goodbye.
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 speaking of marriage, when i was in a LDR with an amazing woman, technically, we were both having affiars, with each other - because while we were both legally separated our divorce papers from our spouses had not been completed yet. mine were completed in year one of my 4 year LTR, not sure if she ever completed hers because she left. so, in a funny way, we were having affairs with each other [not really, but u get what i mean - lol]. anyways, rehab starts soon, back to work tommorrow [took too much time off to try and reconnect with someone special but never made the big breakthru - so job and health now must come first] for now, its back home for nappies - its been a long haul
BenThereDunThat Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 WonderWater - I'm starting to think you and I have the same MM.... I agree with WWIU - DON'T tell him in person. These kind of men are all about the eye contact and body language. They are skilled at the subtleties of it. As soon as you do tell him, remove him from your contacts and block him from yours if he doesn't remove you himself. Get rid of any emails, chats, etc. Don't throw them away though, just make sure they are somewhere that you won't see everyday.
Author WonderWater Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 My MM and I had the "talk" yesterday, it wasn't what I expected but it was at the same time. First off, I ended up chatting with him in his office telling him about my New Year's ongoings. He pushed me for all the details and I told him that I kissed some no-nome (but nice) guy at the nightclub, just to have somebody to kiss. Then things changed. He got very quiet, and wouldn't really look at me anymore. We talked a little more and I went back to desk. I didn't "hear" from him for the next 2 hours - which is very weird considering us. Around 12:30, he IMs me and asks me to leave early with him and that it wasn't his "usual request". He wanted to go to a bar and get some things off his chest. We get there and sit down together. He tells me that after I told him what I did, he "couldn't physically work anymore" because all he was thinking about was me with someone else. Then he confesses that the relationship started off as just a way to get laid, but somewhere along the way he ended up with a "lot of feelings" for me. Long story short, he has all of these feelings for me, kept talking about marriage, but he doesn't know what he wants from life, can't decide whether to leave his wife, etc... It was the typical story. He says that he "laid it all out on the table" but, IMO, he didn't do a single damn thing but wimp out. I don't know how I feel about all of this today. I am definitely angrier at me. If he wasn't willing to make the "big step", then he had no right to put me in this difficult emotional situation. He has no right to push me to confess my own feelings for him and thereby expose myself for really getting hurt. He said that he was going to go home and have a talk with his wife too. It's interesting when you look at the big picture - I am almost everything he has ever told me that he wants from a woman/marriage (kids, the "girlie-girl", the stay-at-home mom, the strong personality, etc. On the other hand, there is his wife - who hasn't had sex with him in 4 years, who really doesn't want kids, who is nowhere near girlie-girl, and all she has to do is tell him that she is "willing to try" and he will shove me aside. (And he will still never tell her how he betrayed her for the past 10 months)
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Hi WW: I knew he was going to do that...MM don't want to lose what they have...I'm sure that he does care for you but you're right to think about how you feel about it...You said in your previous post that you don't want to bring any emotions to the R...how do you feel about him? Do you love him? How do you feel about him "wimping" out? I don't know how long you want to keep this R going...but you need to look at everything...is it worth it? Only you can answer that...
freakygal78 Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 That story must made me so angry! How DARE he feel he has any right to comment about you dating since he is betraying his wife by being intimate (emotionally and / or physically) with you! Also the term 'getting some things off his chest' was the exact term my xMM used to ask me to set up a meeting after work to let me know he never encouraged me or instigated the attraction - what a load of BS! I think these men are better at fooling themselves than us sometimes! Man! Sounds wishy washy to me...you need to see life beyond him because he's obviously bringing you down and you have that precious momentum happening where you can get yourself out of this rut! Act now - you are a strong, intelligent, sensitive woman dammit you deserve better than being his daily ego boost!
marlena Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I agree with WWIU - DON'T tell him in person. These kind of men are all about the eye contact and body language. They are skilled at the subtleties of it. Yes, ever so true!!! They are master manipulators where body language is concerned. This is what I am so afraid of when and if the moment comes to have a face to face (after a month) confrontation with the man who says he is separated and not living with his wife six years now tho my gut intuition tells me otherwise....Yes, best be avoided...hope I take my own advice....
puddleofmud Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 So have you heard yet about his talk with his wife? Or did you bother to care? No matter, hope you are all right this eve!!!! and am wishing my best for your feelings!
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