Dreambabie Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Hello, I'm new to this website..i came across it by accident and i'm glad i did! I'm in a horrible situation and i can't seem to get out! When i was 22 i met this guy who treated me like a queen. I just came out of an abusive relationship and thought the world of this guy for being so nice to me. I dated him for over 2 yrs before i found out he was married. I was already in love with him. I continued to date him after that cause i figured it was this long already i might as well continue. I told him about 6 yrs into the relationship that i wanted more but he wouldn't give so i broke up with him..I met someone else and got married. My marriage didnt work out and after my divorce this guy got in contact with me again. I thought it was only gonna be for friendship but once i saw him i knew i was still in love with him. Now i'm 41 yrs old and i've been seeing him nonstop for the past 4 yrs..i'm madly in love with him and he says the same about me. He said he would get a divorce and marry me but im still waiting. I've given ultimatums <spelling> and i stick to them until i can't handle not talking to him anymore. He is truly my soulmate and i can't imagine my life without him in it but i no longer wish to be 2nd in his life..He needs to make a choice or i'll make it for him..the problem is i just cant seem to stay away from him..hes told me all the same song and dance im used to hearing but yet i still believe him and i dont know why..im so hooked on him its sad really..i want to move on with my life but i cant for the life of me figure out how! can anyone please help me out and give me some baby steps to start getting away from him?? I know this is kinda out there but i just wrote it sitting here thinking..so please excuse me if i repeated or forgot things..feel free to ask anything to help out...thanks for your time!!
frannie Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Hello there. That's an awful long time to be involved with someone who's lied to you for so long and not delivered on his promises. Do you really want to be free of him..? There are lots of exOW on this board who have done just that... it's a struggle, but it can be done. And no doubt there will be people along today or tomorrow who can help you with practicalities of going NC and washing him out of your hair! I just wanted to say that one thing you can do is try to stop lying to yourself about him and the situation. Do you feel angry with him..? How did you feel when you realised he'd lied about his marriage to you for two years, when he KNEW what you'd been through in the past..? Look at that feeling and use it. Do you feel you deserve this..? That there's no other man for you..? Is that true..? Do you feel you've given it so many years it would be silly to give up on it now..? What other things are you worried about or feel in this situation..? Let it all out! Does he make you happy..? Can you not be happy being single and living your life without this black cloud over you for years to come..? It's the end of the year... endings and new beginnings... how about writing out a list of things you want for yourself in 2007, and leaving that man off the list?
frannie Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Oh, and I wanted to add: The only real choice you have in this situation is whether you will or won't continue with this. You can give all the ultimatums, NC, threats, promises and cajoling you like, but you can't really influence someone else's divorce... they take time, or they never happen, or whatever, but concentrating on that as the key to your happiness will just frustrate the hell out of you Concentrate on what you can change, and what you can influence. Make this about you and your decisions, and what you want for your life. If he stays married... then that's his decision. You have your life to lead... and it could be a happy one, even without your 'soulmate'... telling yourself 'I can't live without him' when you really can is just sabotaging your own future. This time last year I was out of my mind with the will-he won't-he question, and I ended up going NC (no contact) with him for all of last summer. The result was... a clearer head, and a realisation that there's life out there without him. Ironically, I chose to come back into the affair because I just love my life with him in it, but it was a choice I made, for my own happiness. If you don't feel that way you owe it to yourself to get out.
pureinheart Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Hey DB.... It's all about our thinking....ok imagine your life without him, and speak possitive things into your life. You can live without him and have. The lies we tell ourselves is incredible....I can't live without him...yes we can an do and it goes on and on.... Tell yourself and make yourself follow through until the negative ever running tape recorder in your subconscience shuts up. Some where in your life the brain washing of thinking you have to have a man and therefore any man will do. This is what happened to me at some point, not sure when exactly. Sure we have these sane moments in life and actually follow through with clear thinking, but it doesn't last long and we end up with "a different man", but the same type.... Tell yourself...NO MORE COUNTERFEITS, meaning you will wait for the right one and will not be moved. You CAN dump this guy for good....some things in life we have no control or power over them....BUT you HAVE power over this.... Cold turkey...best way! GBU!!!!!!
sadbuttrue Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Hello, I'm new to this website..i came across it by accident and i'm glad i did! I'm in a horrible situation and i can't seem to get out! When i was 22 i met this guy who treated me like a queen. I just came out of an abusive relationship and thought the world of this guy for being so nice to me. I dated him for over 2 yrs before i found out he was married. I was already in love with him. I continued to date him after that cause i figured it was this long already i might as well continue. I told him about 6 yrs into the relationship that i wanted more but he wouldn't give so i broke up with him..I met someone else and got married. My marriage didnt work out and after my divorce this guy got in contact with me again. I thought it was only gonna be for friendship but once i saw him i knew i was still in love with him. Now i'm 41 yrs old and i've been seeing him nonstop for the past 4 yrs..i'm madly in love with him and he says the same about me. He said he would get a divorce and marry me but im still waiting. I've given ultimatums <spelling> and i stick to them until i can't handle not talking to him anymore. He is truly my soulmate and i can't imagine my life without him in it but i no longer wish to be 2nd in his life..He needs to make a choice or i'll make it for him..the problem is i just cant seem to stay away from him..hes told me all the same song and dance im used to hearing but yet i still believe him and i dont know why..im so hooked on him its sad really..i want to move on with my life but i cant for the life of me figure out how! can anyone please help me out and give me some baby steps to start getting away from him?? I know this is kinda out there but i just wrote it sitting here thinking..so please excuse me if i repeated or forgot things..feel free to ask anything to help out...thanks for your time!! db, you may be new here, but sounds like you have had a lot of experience dealing with MM. i am new here and to this type of relationship, but i can tell that you are really torn here. i agree with frannie, you really do need to think about what you want out of life. and if this guy can not come through for you, whether or not that involves leaving his M (some OW feel they have good R with MM even if they arent planning on leaving their M), then i would seriously consider trying to separate yourself from him. i know that is an extremely difficult thing to contemplate. i myself am only 4months into R with MM, but i can not see myself leaving.
Seen_It_All Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I dated him for over 2 yrs before i found out he was married. UGH. Why would you disrespect yourself by allowing this piece of garbage to STAY in your life once you found out what an utter scumbag he is? What a lying, manipulative, deceitful, selfish, loser SCUMBAG. Period. Low lives like this deserve to be SHOT at dawn, not fawned over for years and years with the hope of winning THIS prize. I'm sorry, but you are so mired in dysfunction that you can't even SEE what a skuzz-ball this piece of trash is. Rule Number One: Don't let ANYONE disrespect you. NO ONE. This lying sack of sh*it has done nothing BUT disrespect you - from the word "go." And you've let him, on EVERY SINGLE LEVEL. Guess what he REALLY thinks of you? No wonder he ain't leaving. He doesn't HAVE to. You've already let him know loud and clear that you'll continue letting him use you and lie to you and you'll still sit at his feet, eagerly awaiting the next scrap he throws to you and be grateful for it. He's done it for so long now, why should HE make any efforts to leave on your behalf? He doesn't have to - nor does he want to. So forget it - he's staying with his poor wife who has no idea what a piece of sh*it he really is. But YOU know what a piece of sh*it he is and you actually hope to win this prize. I honestly pity you.
frannie Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 UGH. Why would you disrespect yourself by allowing this piece of garbage to STAY in your life once you found out what an utter scumbag he is? But YOU know what a piece of sh*it he is and you actually hope to win this prize. I honestly pity you. The OP said: "i want to move on with my life but i cant for the life of me figure out how! can anyone please help me out and give me some baby steps to start getting away from him??" In what way does she deserve 'pity'..?
puddleofmud Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Have you considered counseling? This has been going on for so long you no may longer have the coping skills needed to see that you are an individual WITHOUT him. Many have been in your shoes, darling! It's not a "one day" realisation--it's often years of hard work and true grit. Do you feel ready and prepared to hunker down and do that? Counseling may help you understand as well as OWN your emotional reactions. This is not really much different from leaving any situation where one is so embedded. You can do it but you need some help--you need an anchor within yourself that you have yet to find. Keep posting your feelings and do try to consult w/ a few counselors and see how you feel about continuing with one of them. Best wishes to you and stay strong!
Author Dreambabie Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 I'd like to thank everyone for their advice! Yes i have considered counseling but havent yet gotten it! And i NEVER asked anyone for PITY!! I merely asked for advice!! sorry i wasted anyones time!!
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 When you post on a public forum, you're going to get all sorts of advice, even some that may be harsh or that you don't like. The point is, people care enough to give their thoughts and offer up advice. You didn't waste anyone's time...If you feel that way, it's too bad because the members here at LS were only trying to help you.
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Of course you're going to get all sorts of replies, but one that completely misses the point because someone was so keen to 'pity' (have a go at) the poster isn't really helpful imho Poster is asking for help in getting OUT of the situation, not wanting to continue it...
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