getting past the past

[eyeslikefire]

Got div in feb this year...have not gone out at all. I div HIM, for being abusive and alcoholic, and a big liar to boot. He remarried quickly, the same week he called me wife and wanted to get back together to work things out. threstened suicide if he did not have me and our kid; then he stabbed me in the back by marrying another woman. I need to get past this, I know I did the right thing by Div him, I found out he was unfaithful while we were married as well. Why cant I move on? thx

[Gunny376]

Its quite simple really? You're ego and pride took a hit and got thrown under the bus. Consciously you know you made the right decision is leaving his dirt bag. But, on a intuative level ~ you feel that your second rate to the new wife. That you don't and didn't measure up.

 

Its just a feeling, and feelings aren't rational. Some feelings have to be validated ~ others simply acknowledge. The solution is reconciling the reality with the un-reality. That is to say, to consciously affirm that you know that you're just as damn good, if not better than the other woman, and that you know that you made the right decision is divorcing this piece of ****, and that you know that you're going to be better off without him!

[dgiirl]

One year is still not that much time when going through a divorce. Stats say it takes roughly 2 years to move on, and friends say it's more like 4 years. So I dont think you should expect TOO much from yourself at the one year mark. I still had a lot of emotions left to process at my one year mark. However, I had made SOME progress in my healing.

 

Have you been able to make any progress, no matter how slight? You mention that you havent even gone out. I'm not exactly sure what this means. You never go out at all to relax? Or just not gone out dating? You do need to get out and enjoy life. You shouldnt stay at home all the time, bitter and angry at the world. Although I did that for a time too

 

It sounds like you are still very angry. And you have a right to be angry. However, what is dwelling in the anger going to do? Here you are thinking about what an asshat your exh is for cheating and marrying another woman, all stressed up and angry, ready to punch the living crap out of him, wasting precious amounts of time thinking about HIM. Do you think he realizes how much energy you are thinking about him? Not at all. Does he get to hear all your nasty thoughts 24/7? Nope. So who are you really punishing by being angry? Him or yourself?

 

Gunny is right when he says pride has a lot to do with these feelings. Atleast it did for me for a long time. But acknowledging that my pride was hurt helped a lot. Properly labeling our feelings helps us to recognize them, process them, and then let them go. You really got to ask yourself what it truely is you are feeling, and then ask yourself WHY you are feeling such a way and then test it for validity. When my exh left me for another woman i felt extremely low. I was obsessed with how this other woman is better than me, prettier than me, more out going than I, and I never seen her in my entire life. When I realize I was jealous of her, I was able to ask WHY i was jealous of her, and then I realized that I was suffering from low self esteem. I didnt feel pretty. I didnt feel loveable. So then I focused on how I can make myself feel pretty and loveable. And that was the first step to rebuilding my confidence again.

 

They say that time heals a broken heart. But that's not entirely true. Time and EFFORT heals a broken heart. You really got to put in effort to rebuild a new life. One that YOU want. You alone are responsible for your happiness. That use to be a very scary thought for me, but it was also liberating. I, alone, am in charge of my life. I'm responsible for my own feelings and I could change how I feel by changing the way I look at things.

 

Your ex did a really crappy thing. A very hurtful thing. But that was just one moment that is now in the past. If you are sad, or angry right now, it's because you are allowing yourself to feel sad and angry. He's no longer there doing that crappy thing. It's done and it's over with. Right now, it's your responsibility for your own feelings. It's ok to indulge in our feelings. It's very healthy actually. However, it's always a choice that you make. And when you find yourself indulge too much in negative feelings, it's up to you to make ammends with yourself to find a way to get over it.

 

You can start by actively refocusing your thoughts whenever you find yourself dwelling on your ex. In the beginning it takes a lot of effort, and you might have to refocus your thoughts multiple times in the very beginning. But after some practice, it starts to get a LOT easier. After a while, you might have to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness to him and more importantly to yourself. A lot of time when we're caught in anger it's because we're angry with ourselves for allowing something to happen. I still have bouts of anger towards my ex. But that's because I'm really angry with myself. I'm angry that I wasted my time and allowed him to tell me things that were simply not true. I'm forgiving myself and trying to be patient with myself. This is on going. You might wake up one morning feeling good, and the next hating your ex all over again. Again, it takes daily practice to forgive him and yourself. But in time, and effort, you will move on. The further you are away from this moment of time, the more new memories you will develop. If you make them happy positive memories, you will have a good life. The choice is yours.

[eyeslikefire]

Thank you Gunny and Dgiirl. I never really thought of that. (ego? pride? didn't know i had any left)

Yes I KNOW I made the right decision; it was very hard to do, it is easier to stay safely married to an abusive guy than to make it on your own facing an uncertain future. I know this. But Gunny, i have to admit, you voiced my secret fear, I do feel second rate. She is 3 yrs younger, skinnier, and a professional. I am 46, overweight since I married him!--and 20 yrs as a clerical person in the city government, making a lot less than her also. ..she has a huge home and he doesn't have to work! AND he is blaming me for his not being able to get and keep a job!!!!I found that incredible. I know I am better off, he was getting very abusive towards the family as well; he was drinking more and disappearing more; I know I did right, the family is back in balance except for the trouble he gives me over our daughter (he and his new wife want to erase me from her memory, and other things), but the hardest thing will be bringing my esteem up, i think. he used to call me stupid and other things as well, and it really is easier to believe the bad stuff...

But i didn't want to admit feeling second rate--even to myself. Now i have to try and get past that, too.

I will start to conciously redirect my thoughts when i think of him...because it makes me physically ill now to even think of him or see his handwriting on papers i find lying around when i'm throwing stuff out!

It'll be a long time before I date again, if ever.

Thank God I have my kids to keep me focused!

[PWSX3]

Thank you Gunny and Dgiirl. I never really thought of that. (ego? pride? didn't know i had any left)

Yes I KNOW I made the right decision; it was very hard to do, it is easier to stay safely married to an abusive guy than to make it on your own facing an uncertain future. I know this. But Gunny, i have to admit, you voiced my secret fear, I do feel second rate. She is 3 yrs younger, skinnier, and a professional. I am 46, overweight since I married him!--and 20 yrs as a clerical person in the city government, making a lot less than her also.

You suggest that you are overweight since you married him. So have you thought of maybe doing something about it? I know it's hard but maybe having him around was an excuse you were using and you don't even realize it.

Now you can start working at making yourself look better by just starting to walk around the block, then walk around two blocks, etc. Join a health club and do the same thing, start out slow even if it's only 10 minutes but build yourself up. I started walking 1/2 mile, then 1 mile then 3 miles, then started riding bike and now I'm inside because of cold weather but it helps your self esteam and makes you feel good about yourself and I lost 40 pounds doing it.

If you tell me I can't go to a gym because I'm overweight, DOH what do you think all those other people are there for????? Walking in the fresh air is good therapy if you ask me, just look at things around you, listen to things you miss if you were in a car and start noticing things around you.

..she has a huge home and he doesn't have to work! AND he is blaming me for his not being able to get and keep a job!!!!I found that incredible. I know I am better off, he was getting very abusive towards the family as well; he was drinking more and disappearing more; I know I did right, the family is back in balance except for the trouble he gives me over our daughter (he and his new wife want to erase me from her memory, and other things), but the hardest thing will be bringing my esteem up, i think. he used to call me stupid and other things as well, and it really is easier to believe the bad stuff...

Now he isn't around to call you bad names, sounds like if you left a abusive person you aren't that stupid now are you?

He will never be able to erase you out of your daughters mind, you will always be her mother...

But i didn't want to admit feeling second rate--even to myself. Now i have to try and get past that, too.

I will start to conciously redirect my thoughts when i think of him...because it makes me physically ill now to even think of him or see his handwriting on papers i find lying around when i'm throwing stuff out!

It'll be a long time before I date again, if ever.

Don't ever say never, you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find you aren't such a bad person and when you least expect it there will be that special guy come around. Just give yourself time, start finding ways to make yourself feel better. Do something different for yourself, try a different color makeup, different perfume, do something to make yourself feel better. When you love yourself then and only then you can love someone else. Good luck and I know it's very hard but the rewards are well worth it trust me.

[Gunny376]

Guys (and gals) like this have a pyschologiical profile. Each one is different, but they're all the same ~ a paradox if you would.

 

Part of it is to make you the other person feel bad, guilty, ashame. Everything you say and do is wrong. Everything that goes wrong in their lives is your fault.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the OW, it probally won't be long before she comes down with a severe case of T-PMS!!! Tired of Putting Up With Men's ****! Specically his!

 

My XW cheated with several men ~ all younger. The one that she finally lined up to become "Fool" (Husband) No. # 3, is about 43 ~ she's 51. She gets older, uglier and meaner everyday ~ but he's got her - so I guess that makes him the Winner.

 

"I div HIM, for being abusive and alcoholic, and a big liar to boot. "................................ "AND he is blaming me for his not being able to get and keep a job!!!!"

 

She's got him ~ he's all his. That makes her the "Winner?"

 

You've got long term, steady employment ~ virtually guarranted employment. Being retired military ~ I know lots of people that make better money than I. But, you know what? The nut I've got to crack each month is only about $300 a month. I've got a sweet, low stress, low stress job. I like the people that I work with and for. I've just moved into a new place, 2007 is definately looking to be a damn good year.

 

The guy that I work for is easily worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and he's one of the most miserable, lonely, introverted people I know. He's been ripped off so many times by so-called friends and family he trusts no one.

 

You drive to the richest part of town, with the biggest houses, with the expensive cars, boats, and Skido's etc. That's not where the rich people live. That's where the "I'm up to my eyeballs in debt" and "two months away from having my house foreclosed on" people live.

 

Drive to what you consider the "middle class" part of town with the eight to ten year old Toyota with 100,000 miles on it ~ that's where the people with money live.

 

For me? Its not about how much money you make ~ its about what you do with it. If you're hitting the bottle ~ you don't need a pay raise ~ you need to quit drinking. If you smoke ~ you don't need a pay raise you need to quit smoking.

 

80% of all American Households are 1 paycheck away from having a refrigerator crisis ~ that is to say not being able to buy groceries. They're two months away from having their car repoed, or their house foreclosed on.

 

As a SWM (Single Working Mom) I can't encourage you enough on chechinkg out Mary Hunt and Debt Proof Living. She's got a website, To get the full use of it and her monthly newsletter will cost you about $2 a month. Well worth every penny.

 

As far as the XH goes ~ you're going to spend the rest of your life thinking about what you could have, should have, ought to have done, or could have done better. Let me save you about sixteen years on that deal! Its not you ~ its him and his issues!

 

Let it go! Move on with your life, and make the daily conscious decision to be happy. That's all there really is to it. Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.

 

And, while I'm up on my soapbox ~ you Ladies need to get off of this kick about being overweight. Once a woman has had babies, its your natural state to put on the pounds. Use to be about 100,000,000 years ago women nursed the children much longer. To do that, they had to pack on the weight. (Eating for two, etc) That's the reason that women have a higher percentage of body fat than men.

 

My last LTR GF was 5'9" and weighed about 160 and was pear shaped. For six and half years, I heard, "I'm fat, I'm fat!" Use to drive me up the freaking wall. I kept telling her, "Your height~weight proprotionate! Quit worrying about it!" The main reason I was with her was because of:

 

1. Her attitude

2. Her laugh (She thought everything I said was funny!)

3. Her perspective

4. Her eyes (They literally twinkled)

5. Her smile

6. Her own special brand of femininty

7. Her independence

8. She didn't need me, she wanted me

9. I didn't need her ~ I wanted her

10. The intimacy ~ not just the sex,

11. The sex. (She was smart enough to make me "work" for it.

 

(We broke up because she's from North Carolina and I'm from Alabama. She couldn't leave her family, I had to come back home to mine)

[eyeslikefire]

Ya'll reminded me, he used to think he was Richard Gere and I was Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman....he is Scandinavian and I am just a little ole Texas gal; I was not used to going to fancy restaurants and eating food you wouldn't take home in a doggie bag. He was very used to wealth and it was quite a shock to come to Texas and find folks in my part of town, normal but sometimes struggling to pay unexpected bills, sometimes being broke (unknown to him), and seeing the poverty here was mind boggling to him. He always put us down compared to Swedes--our ways, our way of life, etc and the funny thing is, anytime he threatened to return to Sweden, he never did. In fact, he threatened suicide a few times if I did not remarry him...said he couldn't bear to live without his "little family". THEN he "suddenly" found this "friend" and then married her! Yep....make no mistake...i made the right decision...now on to a better future.

"living well is the best revenge" (George Herbert)

[Gunny376]

Good to hear you speakin' that Southerin' English! Yea!~ Hell!

[dgiirl]

It'll be a long time before I date again, if ever.

 

Stop fretting about dating. You are not ready yet, so there's no need to even worry about this thought. Give yourself some time to process your feelings and emotions, just dont get lost in the anger/pain. Remember, not all men are like your ex, and to distance yourself from men/people simply because of a bad experience with an ex, once again, gives power to your ex. I dont know about you, but I'll be damned if I let my ex ruin my future too.

[jerbear]

I have to add that if one keeps on fretting. One might get ulcers and white hair! Life is short.

[eyeslikefire]

yes life is short, i will eventually heal. I have never had such feelings against meetings guys, ever, but i have never been hurt like this, and i these weird feelings were alien to me and i am glad to see from you guys, that they are normal. I was beginning to think something was wrong w/me! I had bought my 4 yr old a Cinderella castle for Christmas; but I had removed Prince Charming and was going to melt him in the microwave so she could have it all (Cinderella). A friend of mine overseas saved PC, he told me not to take out my anger on PC; but to let him stay in the castle and do the yardwork! Gotta have a sense of humor thru all this!

[jerbear]

A friend of mine overseas saved PC, he told me not to take out my anger on PC; but to let him stay in the castle and do the yardwork! Gotta have a sense of humor thru all this!

 

That is funny, now I also suggest Homer, Darth Vader, Stan Smith, Mike Brady, and other princes to yardwork and househould duties!

 

Homer to clean out the fridge.

Mike to redesign the east wing.

Stan to keep the others in check.

Vader to kill the spiders for you.

 

:D