What is going on in my head?!!

[Guest]

I'm glad I found this place - maybe only to clear my head though.

 

I'm not sure if anyone out there can help.

 

I've been with my husband (my second husband) for over 5 years. We have been married for 2 years. He is wonderful in every way. We are great together and understand each other. But he is out of the country and has been out of the country on and off for the last 3 1/2 years. This time has been over 7 months and in November I found out there now is no return date.

 

He will be back. I just don't know when. I knew this when I married him - that he must travel for work - and I know his job is very important to him. We don't have any huge marital problems (I can't even think of any small ones) except the distance and it bothers him too. The plan is for things to stay the same while we get a very good financial base for the future.

 

My first husband contacted me almost 2 weeks ago. It has been 11 years since I last spoke to him. It was on and off even after the divorce. We were very young when we married and, although we truly loved each other, we weren't at all ready to be married.

 

He had no realistic goals and was not driven to work or provide in any way. I wanted both of us to be driven and goal oriented so we could work toward a future together. I ended up working my a** off and stressing out over bills, etc. while he seemed to just ignore it. We got divorced because of it. I kept in touch with him for the next 2 years to find out if anything changed. It never did. I finally walked away for good.

 

I told him I am married again. I told him my husband is a very good man, that he loves me, and we have been very happy together.

 

He told me there was a lot he wanted to say to me and I cut him off.

When I heard his voice I felt this rush of emotion...happiness, fear, love?, relief...I wanted to grab him and hug him right then.

 

I could see his face in front of me. I could see his eyes and the emotion in them so clearly.

I was suddenly transported to the last time I saw him. Like time hadn't passed at all. It was as if flood gates opened and the love I thought I put behind me wasn't anymore.

 

So I told him I couldn't talk and instead gave him my e-mail address to say whatever he had to say.

 

He e-mailed me and he told me that he still loves me.

He has this entire time.

He has never remarried.

He has never had another serious relationship because of me.

He wrote about what he is doing now and he is very successful. Basically all of the problems that led to our downfall (mainly financial) he has addressed.

He has looked for me every year and knew I could possibly have another family by the time he found me.

He wrote that hearing my voice, finally, after all of these years brought tears to his eyes.

 

UGH! That stings! I feel an ache of longing for him - it stings to know he is hurting and that his life has not been happy because of me. Although he didn't say it, I know he wishes we were together.

 

This is really getting to me. I know I am lonely. I know it is the holidays and that is probably magnifying everything I am feeling. But I feel like all of the old feelings have rushed back. He was my first love. My best friend. We shared everything - everything - about how we felt, our pasts, embarrasing moments, etc.

 

But I love the man I am married to.

 

How can I feel so deeply for both and be so conflicted about this?

 

What am I to do?

[conflicted_one]

I wrote the thread on the 30th - but since I have logged in and registered.

 

The thread took a long time to show up so it may not be looked at.

 

But no one has responded and I desperately need help.

 

Is anyone out there able to help with this?

 

I feel strangled...

[JCD]

You need to tell your husband to come back home pronto or you'll leave him. If he has a brain cell in his head he would understand that these long getaways are a deal breaker in a relationship. That's why you long for someone to be with, even your ex. I would not stand for my wife to be away for 7 months while I'm home alone. Why would I want that? What kind of a marriage is that? It's me or her career and me is more important I think.