It has happened to me now!

[luvlove]

In 10th grade, I met a boy. It seemed like he was everything I ever wanted. We connected, I thought I loved him and felt that he loved me, but we never became a real couple, never became intimate, never even kissed. He graduated and moved away. From time to time he came back to town. Then I graduated and moved away. During this time, we still never became a couple, but each time our eyes met, I fell apart, and he seemed to.

 

Now 34 years later, our paths crossed again. He got married 9 years ago (for the first time), no children. This time we have connected physically as well as emotionally. I have tried to shake the feelings I have for him, but to no avail. Each awakened moment, I think about him. I wake up through the night and think about him. I know I love him, he says he loves me.

 

We've never talked about him leaving his wife; he just says that she's really mean to him, and that they hadn't slept together within six month of him and I becoming re-aquainted. He says that she's very impatient with him, and won't let him get away with the least mistakes that he makes. I hate to think like this, but I wish they would break up. I really want her to be gone, thinking that I will allow me to have him.

 

My real question is, am I just infatuated with him, or really in love. I've read a lot of post about "leave married people alone". This is the first time I have never even thought about being with a married man. But, this seems so out of my control. I have thought about therapy, but never sought it. At this point, I don't know what to do.

 

I am happy to find a forum where others have similar situations and won't judge me for what I feel is out of my control.

 

I welcome any comments.

[GreenEyedLady]

Welcome to the forum...from your comments it seems as if you are already pretty involved with him...You are the only one who knows if you love him...if you have any doubt, then probably it's not love...

 

Are your needs being met? Are you married? How do you really feel about the R? You haven't really answered questions about how you feel about the whole thing, so I'm not really sure how to advise...but welcome anyway...we're here to help...

[kymberann]

No judgement on my part.

 

How long have you two been together?

Are you currently married or with someone whom this could be potentially painful?

 

You won't shake those feelings. Trust me you won't until you are ready to. Until you know for sure what you want.

 

am I just infatuated with him, or really in love

Only you can decide that for yourself.

 

Some things to ask yourself. Are you willing to accept OW status if he does not want to leave.

Are you willing to tell him no relations until he does leave and ends current M?

Are you sure what he is telling you is the truth?

Are you willing to become even more emotionally involved, even at the risk of losing your own clarity, sanity and reasoning to make healthy decisions for you?

The W can't just be gone with the snap of the fingers. Even if they do decide to divorce, there are lengthy proceedings the MM and W need to go through first.

 

I think most importantly you need to decide how much you are willing to take, how much farther can you go with this? And what do you really want from the R?

Hope this helps, there will be many others who have some great thoughts to ponder on as well.

Best to you!

[JLO22]

Well it sounds like you love him! Are you married, kids, what your status in life.

Yes I have read and heard dont mess with married people.

 

So my advice to you, you can keep the friendship and commuication alive but please whatever you do please dont start a relationship, sex, none of the above....... It will only cause probllem down the line.

 

Do he want to leave is wife it sounds like he is not happy? Just be patient it sound like its meant to be 34 something years later you guys meet up agian!!!

[luvlove]

To answer some questions: I'm not married, widowed 4 yrs ago. Two adult sons. Was in a R that was going nowhere, ended it 10 months ago when I ran into this MM, never been in two Rs at the same time, didn't think I could do it, and the R with MM is more important to me. It's a LDR right now. I'm back in the hometown, he's still away. He talks of moving back, does not indicate whether W will move with him. When we talk about being together, he says to be patient, things will work out, but we really don't get specific about how things will work out. That's the reason we never really clicked in High School, we were never really specific about anything.

 

I think I'm willing to be the OW if he won't leave. I just live a total guilt trip because I don't know if I can believe everything he tells me. He seems sincere, but how can I know, you know? I feel that if he's in a loving relationship, I don't want to mess that up. But, I think he married her out of desperation, thinking that his clock was ticking away and he hadn't met the right person. I had managed to marry just for the sake of being with someone, but never loved my H nor my children's father the way I love him. It sounds like a fairy tale, but I feel like we've both been lost all these years when we should have been together.

 

The reason I asked about infatuation is that the two of us talk alot about the regrets of not being together all these years. Again, I can't say how he really feels, but I have suffered and cried over the regrets so much in the last 10 months. I don't cry anymore. I have tried to meet someone else. But when I search my feelings, I'm afraid to involve anyone else b/c I believe I would drop anyone new like a "hot potato" if he was willing leave his wife for me.

[norajane]

But when I search my feelings, I'm afraid to involve anyone else b/c I believe I would drop anyone new like a "hot potato" if he was willing leave his wife for me.

 

That's the big difference between you and he. He has not dropped his wife like a hot potato to be with you, and he's not talking about leaving her or divorce or making any plans to be with you .

 

Is that good enough for you? Are you willing to wait indefinitely?

[GreenEyedLady]

So it's been 10 months...I think you should consider that he is not telling the whole truth...MM lie to get what they want and to keep you with them...

 

If you're ok with being the OW then there's some things you'll have to accept which you may or may not like and which may or may not change with time...but it's your choice...YOU have to decide if it's worth it...

[pureinheart]

WOW....what a story!!!!!!! OMG if I met up with my "friend" that I was stone cold in love with as a kid....I WOULD FREAK OUT....OMG he was to die for!!!!!! We used to build forts together and play tag....he was going to ask me to go steady (remember those days!!!!!) and my mom sent me to my grandmothers for a week and he chickened out...Damit all!!!!!!!

 

Anyway, I understand how you feel....this guy brings you back to "younger" days...lol....

 

I am so glad you posted!!!!! Your post is sooo cool, it's making me young again!!!!!!!

 

Anyway (again), this is a hard situation....if you want to read the post Question for MM....think that's what it is....there is some REALLY good replies that might help....read the posts in here, I'm sure you'll get the answers you need.....

[frannie]

Hello and welcome to the boards.

 

Only you can know exactly how you feel about him, of course but I'd say... all that feeling of re-connection with your past is a strong emotion where love for others is concerned. Earlier dreams that you thought would never be... now suddenly could have a happy ending..? That has to be feeding into the love feeling. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, because it's often the case that the love-object arouses things in us to do with dreams, hopes, regrets, second-chances even. As long as we're aware of that or manage to step back and take a look at the person as s/he really is and how they treat us, and what the possibilities are.

 

Now, you've been seeing him for 10 months, presumably had a lot of conversations. He's talked about his marriage, his wife, moving back to the home town... but you've not discussed a potential divorce? Why is that? I'm a pretty blunt person I know, so it's probably not surprising that that was the FIRST thing I asked my MM when he said he was married! I'm just wondering why it's not come up..?

 

He's said, 'don't worry about everything, it will all work out' and as you say, that's pretty vague. And you say you broke up with him before because of this vagueness... is this something you can live with a second time? I can tell you, being an OW is no picnic, and vagueness can be incredibly useful to a MM who doesn't want to make any changes, give any explanations.

 

I would think that asking him some brave questions would be a good idea..? What do you think..?

[kymberann]

He seems sincere, but how can I know, you know?

I don't think we can ever know if someone is sincere unless they follow through with their actions!

 

Thanks for filling us in on some of the details. You have some life changing deciscions to make here. I'd say give it time. Don't rush and do something that may later cause more pain.

 

When I started A with MM I debated if I wanted to go further. I did the "what if" game. A friend of mine explained to me that perhaps I needed to go with it just to find out if it was worth it or not. Perhaps that is what you need right now. Just remember everything MM does or does not do is NOT a reflection of you, it is all about him! DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF in the process!

 

There are many pros and cons to being an OW there are many pros and cons to waiting and being single in the meantime, there are mnay pors and cons to living your own life and seeing if MM is willing to fit into it with you.

 

I think Frannie is right, there are some brave questions you MUST ask. Don't be afraid to hear answer, that may give you some indication as to what you really want to do and are willing to sacrifice and go through. And do not accept anything wishy washy either. Some MM are good at that!

 

Best to you. We will be here!

[kymberann]

he was going to ask me to go steady

 

LOL I haven't heard that one in a long time! I think you've dated yourself with that one!

If I were to say that my kids would scoff at me for sure!

 

Now I think it something like "hey you are off the hook, you my shorty"

Or something like that!

I try to be fly for a white gal!

 

Best

[luvlove]

Thanks for all the replies I've gotten on this. I've also gotten some insight from reading some of the other posts. I've decided to take heed to a couple of things that's been suggested. 1) ask hard questions. my MM is taking care of his older, sick sister who had a stroke right about the same time we got reacquainted. The stroke left her unable to do anything for herself. He works days, and looks after her at night. He doesn't seem to get a lot of needed rest. So, that's one reason I've held back on some of the "hard" questions; trying to not put extra pressure on him right now. And if he gives me reason to believe that he will eventually break things off with W, then 2) I will try to wait, be patient and see what happens. In the meantime, I will remain open to a new relationship and try to see if there is someone who can help take my mind off of him. But the way I feel right now, it will have to be, not Mr Right, but Mr Purfect for Me. Like I said, it would have to be Mr. Wonderful to keep me from droping him if something opened up for me and MM.

 

Even today I was invited to dinner with a single gentleman that I recently met. For several reasons, I declined. My MM was not one of the reasons. I'll keep my head up, and keep trying to make myself strong enough to stay or quit, whichever seems the sensible thing to do when things are clearer. Thanks All.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are in love with the idealized version of him that you created, and that version of him exists only in your heart and mind. You have had years to build this guy up in your mind, and in your heart and now that you are together - you are mapping all of this idealized stuff onto him, and seeing him for who you WANT him to be for you - not who he really is.

 

When we talk about being together, he says to be patient, things will work out, but we really don't get specific about how things will work out.

 

That's fairly typical. They give you just enough hope to keep you hanging on, without ever giving you something concrete to base that hope on.

 

I think I'm willing to be the OW if he won't leave.

 

You tend to get what you settle for. If you are OK with being the OW, then that is the best you can ever hope for. A man won't leave his W if he doesn't have to, and by agreeing to and continuing to be the 'side item' - you are basically letting him know that it is ok for him to stay married and keep you in that position.

[luvlove]

Ok, I know I'm not willing to be the OW. I wouldn't allow him to do that to me, himself or her. I've just been trying to find some way to be with him. From what I believe, he's never done this before (I'm positive he hasn't). I believe that when he's been telling me to be patient, it's been so that he can have time to search his feelings, her feelings, my feelings and figure out how to handle it. I noticed a month ago, he seems to show me so much more love. But at the same time, he doesn't call her "somebody" anymore; he uses her name much more. He's become comfortable with having the both of us. He knows he can do this now and not lose her trust. He also knows that I won't interfere to the point where she finds out. I'm sure he loves both of us. I'm also sure that he won't walk away from his security for a relationship that he is not sure will work out. She's the one he's not willing to hurt. And that's fine with me; I don't won't to see anyone hurt. I'm already hurt; there's no need for all three of us to be hurt by this. The man that I was with earlier has already been hurt by this. Too much pain involved may mean it's not meant to be. I do know that if any two people can love (physically) like we do, it's dangerous. I'm just sounding off some things in my mind. Thanks you all, for being there.

 

His vagueness is to make sure I don't figure this out before he does.

[frannie]

Hello.

 

You've said on this thread both that you are, and you're not, willing to be the OW... I'd say you still have a lot of confusion about what you're willing to accept... you sound a little like I have been for most of the affair. I asked you if it was maybe time to ask some of the harder questions because I know I've had problems with this in some ways (though I said I was blunt, and I am... some questions are MUCH harder because we don't want the answers).

 

If he's looking after his sister and working and married... what time does he have for you..?

 

One thing that stands out for me: he says, don't worry, it will all work out, but isn't giving you any definites... is this a man you think you can live with..? Does he tend to deflect your questions, or is it you who is reticent to ask because you don't want to pressure him..? Or is it a little of both..? I am very sympathetic to the 'wait and see' approach... I've been involved in an affair for almost three years and I THINK I'm finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel... but there are no guarantees, and this stuff takes its toll.

 

I think you still have lots of thinking to do around this. I don't have a lot of time to write now, but I'd like to discuss these things more with you because you remind me of me slightly

[norajane]

I believe that when he's been telling me to be patient, it's been so that he can have time to search his feelings, her feelings, my feelings and figure out how to handle it.

 

Well, he can figure out his feelings without being in an affair with you, and should.

 

Think about it - do you want to be his security blanket so he can work up the courage to leave his family, if he ever does?

 

These feelings he needs to work out need to be separated. He needs to decide to end his marriage because he wants to end it and believes it's the best thing for him and his family in the long run.

 

Then, once he's done that and has had time to go through the divorce and the aftermath of the divorce - time to heal from the pain of ending a marriage - then he can honestly figure out how he feels about you. Only then will he truly have anything real to offer you. IF you want to wait that long.

 

In the meantime, being in this affair with you might even be enabling him to stay in an unhappy marriage longer...he has you to look forward to and that might be enough to make his marriage sufficiently bearable.