Talk about Starting Fresh in the New Year...

[Grrlish]

Well, it looks like I'll be starting the New Year off totally fresh...and totally single.

 

It appears that my boyfriend resented me addressing the topic of his profile still being online a couple of months after we started dating, asking him to consider whether or not the chats he was holding online with other women were appropriate, and then me questioning what is apparently his ongoing exchange of 'inappropriate' TMs with other women (which just came up the Wednesday before Christmas). He feels that he has treated me with complete integrity, honesty, etc. and that he feels that I have been questioning his fidelity without cause. I posted a much-too-long post about it earlier:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107870/

 

After dating for nearly 5 months (I miscalculated in my original post), spending most of our free time together, and things being absolutely wonderful most of the time, he sent me these thoughts, and a few others, in an email before he left town the Friday before Christmas to visit with his family. (An email! After he has been the one to encourage me to communicate at difficult times.) He hasn't called. I received a short email from him on Christmas telling me that he misses me, how he's been going over everything about our relationship in his mind in detail (and that it has its been mostly good times, feelings, growth), that I've given him cause for personal in-depth self-analysis, and telling me about his mother's health condition.

 

He said that he'd be home today. I haven't heard from him. He'll only be home for a few days, then will be heading out of town on Wednesday for work for a few days.

 

I'm not a dolt (well, maybe I am...) but it wasn't completely clear in either email whether he was saying 'all bets are off' or not. However, I guess the fact that I haven't heard anything more from his since Christmas pretty much clears it up for me. (Even if he calls, after this incident, I'm pretty much in the ballpark of 'all bets are off'.)

 

This is so messed up. My world is completely rocked right now - and not in a good way. I'm still in shock.

[dropdeadlegs]

As if the Dear John letter wasn't bad enough, we are now being broken up with by email and text messaging. How sad that people no longer have the guts to exchange bad news face to face. Both email and TM, as well as LS forum posts do not have the addition of tone of voice, level of volume, and the pauses and such that the human voice has. I have many times had to explain myself as something came off in a way I had not intended.

 

I read your other post which had more information. It was long, but well spoken, paragraphed and easy to read. I can't believe no one gave any input.

 

Okay, these two emails. Did you respond to either one in any way? You said he would be home today, any idea of the time? I am curious if he has had anything other than his own communications to base your judgment of them on. Does he have any idea where you stand on the issue? I totally agree that you had every right to question his communications with other women via email and TM at this point in your relationship. The context of those communications, if sexual/naughty is not respectful of you and your relationship. I admit that here on LS I have probably said things that could be considered flirtatious on occasion, but there is harmless flirting that involves one comment in a very joking manner, and flirtation that continues in order to feed ones ego. I am always very open with everyone that I am in a good and loving relationship that I cherish and would never stray from. maybe he is that way too, maybe not. I have never posted anything here that I wouldn't want my boyfriend to read himself. But I can understand your dislike of him chatting with women from a dating forum, or those he may have had some type of flirtation/relationship (even if only online) in the past. Flirting does not equal infidelity per se, but it can be disrespectful.

 

I am now sitting on the side of the fence that he was not indicating your relationship is over, but that he felt uncomfortable with the whole "you're accusing me" (which I think was understandable and not even very accusatory) and had to get that off his chest. Since I don't like that that communication was dome by email, I would suggest calling him tomorrow and saying that you got both of his emails and are a bit confused about where he stands. He never used the words break up, right? That will open a discussion, and based on the Christmas email, I think he wants discussion. Why else mention his mother's health to someone he had broken up with?

 

I feel like you can overcome this and all the worry about the gym and all will be pointless.

 

Good luck! I hope it works out the way you want it to.

[Island Girl]

I went and read through your previous post and I, too, am sorry and surprised no one commented before.

 

Although he never said he is breaking up with you, there is definitely something going on in that direction.

 

If he is testing you to see if you are going run after him, the worst thing you can do is initiate contact.

That kind of test shouldn't be reponded to.

 

1. Because it makes the man go back on the offensive and clean up their act if they are taking you or the relationship for granted.

 

2. If you do respond the way they want they immediately lose respect for you and treat you worse than they did before.

 

 

I'd be whole-heartedly pissed off with dedication if he was letting me know he got a "chat" message that was risque and it wasn't me.

 

1. "Who are you talking in that way to when we are supposed to be exclusive?"

 

2. "We all mean so little to you that you can't even keep us straight in your head so you know who you are talking to?!!"

 

 

If he says he is tired of you questioning his fidelity - that may be true - but a man that wants to stay with you (and work through it) would say, "what do I need to do to show you I am with you and only you?"

 

He is saying he is sick of it - blah blah blah - he is not looking to stick and work things out.

 

I'd cut him off completely. Just stop talking to him, e-mailing him, texting or calling him.

 

IF it was a test, or some kind of freak out because of the holidays, he'll come back with his tail between his legs.

 

IF he doesn't, it was never going to work anyway.

 

Once someone stops really trying to be together - and the other person works harder (instead of walking away) - it just drags out the inevitable break up.

 

And it hurts a lot more because generally the person who has been trying has invested more and more emotionally.

 

You obviously take care of yourself and 40 is the new 20. Go out there and get yourself one that will hold you up as one in a million.

 

Like I always told my husband when we were dating (he was a big time player before me) - if you are going to treat me badly, I have no reason to stay with you. You aren't special - I can throw a rock in any direction and hit 20 guys who can treat me badly. Show me you want me to stay with YOU by treating me like a Queen. That's what makes you special to me. That'll make me stuck to you.

[Guest]

I agree wholeheartedly with Island Girl.

 

In the meantime - it's New Year's. Don't stay home moping. Gitcher self a fabulous black dress, pair it with a red necklace. Get those nails done, and get outta that house. Dance, and have a good time doing it. Don't go home with anyone - don't give out your phone number - just go home all smug with the satisfaction that all the men wanted you, and all the ladies wanted to be you.

 

Life is short. Live it wide-open.

[Grrlish]

Ladies:

 

Thank you so much for your time and input.

 

DDL: I did respond to both emails. To the first one, twice (in addition to leaving voicemails for him when I first received it). First, thinking he was still on the other end, with a request for a conversation before he left town. Then after leaving voicemails at home and on his turned-off cell phone, and receiving no response, I replied with "Never mind. Just hit delete." I responded to the second email with kind wishes about his mother’s continued recovery and thanking him for the note.

 

Maybe that was just a little too brief but I was not going to start dumping my thoughts and feelings in to an email. I can’t help but wonder if the brevity of the note scared him. I also said in a voicemail that I left at his home the morning that I received an email that I loved him and I’m sorry that this is what he had decided to do – it sure sounded like a Dear Jane email to me at the time.

 

What you said is correct. I do not believe that he has been physically unfaithful but rather, disrespectful to me and to the relationship. I’m 41. I don’t have the tolerance to continue in a relationship with a man that doesn’t see the little cracks that he’s building into the foundation with behavior like this in the early stages.

 

I also think we came nose-to-nose with an uncomfortable topic. I also think that he knows that this behavior is disrespectful and inappropriate and he’s not sure how to address it without admitting that it is such. It’s weird because we’ve addressed uncomfortable topics in the past and he’s been the one who has always pushed for communication and working through things. Also, I think that you’re correct in that he was upset about the accusation of inappropriate behavior and needed to get things off his chest and ‘put his foot down’.

 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve responded to his emails. I left voicemails for him the day he left town. I don’t know how to call him and ask "So, are we over or what?" without sounding like I’m chasing him. I’m also petrified of hearing the words telling me "I’ve thought about it. We’re over." I mean, I feel like I’ve already sort of ‘heard’ them. Won’t his actions tell me? If he doesn’t contact me, won’t that be clear enough? It’s not that I’m trying to stay in the dark. It’s just that hearing those words from his mouth is going to pick the scab off of the teeny bit of healing that maybe I’ve done in the past few days.

 

It’s also not an ego thing. It’s more that, he initiated this period of needing to give these issues some space (his words) and no contact (by not calling or even emailing again). If he’s done thinking about things and wants to talk, it seems like he would call me.

 

As you can imagine, I’ve been vacillating like crazy for the last week. One hour I’m so hurt and feel so disrespected, I feel like just letting things go completely. Sometimes I can’t imagine allowing him to put his arms around me or kiss me again. Do you know what I mean? Then, like this morning, one of my first clear thoughts was about how much I love this man.

 

It’s NYE, for gosh sakes. If he leaves me hanging without so much as a phone call and then leaves town again on Wednesday for business, I’d say that’s pretty clear action toward pulling out of our relationship.

[Grrlish]

Island Girl:

 

Initially, I did respond like he expected. I called his house twice, leaving messages both times, right after receiving the email, thinking that he was still there and packing up his truck and the dog to head to visit his family. And thinking that he would surely pick up the phone - that surely he wasn't really going to send me an email like this and then leave town. Then, when I realized that he wasn't there, I called his cell phone and left two messages (I was cut off the first time). I started crying in the second one.

 

The two I left at his home were pretty low-key, emotionally, asking him to either pick up the phone or to call me before he left town. The two on his cell phone weren't begging him not to end the relationship or anything like that. They were more about being in shock and not understanding how he could send me an email like that and leave town, and how could he not call me and talk to me instead.

 

So, I DID behave like he expected me to already. Then, when it sunk what was going on, I sent him both an email and a TM telling him "Never mind. Just delete my emails/voicemails." Even after I emailed this 'request' to him, he still emailed me on Christmas so it would seem that he wasn't sure at that time.

 

I agree with what you're saying. I'm not going to chase after him because if both parties are not in a relationship 100 percent by their own choice...100 percent because they want to be there...it won't work. I would not want to stay with someone for another minute if I thought that they were unsure about being in the relationship.

 

Thank you. Yes, I do take care of myself. I think I look good at 41 and enough life experience to be at least a little interesting (I think!) . I'm eduated, have a good job, and I'm active.

 

Until this happened, he DID hold me up as one-in-a-million. He made me feel really special, until I found out that he was putting energy into these other communications.

 

He does not need to come back with his tail between his legs (but I understand what you're saying). I would never try to make him crawl. But as you're saying, I would expect him to return to and continue to treat me like a Queen, so to speak. He has treated me this way, and he tells me that I take such good care of him, etc.

 

If he wants to work things out, I just expect him to deal with all of this in an up-front manner and to come to resolution that pays respect to our relationship.

 

However, like I said, I don't expect him to pursue resolution. And yes, I know that I'm better off without a man who will not put me and the relationship first. It just really, really hurts because he told me a million times how special things were between us and you could really feel the love between us. You could see people look at us when we were out to dinner, or out dancing, or just about anywhere (heck, in the grocery store), and you could almost read their thoughts, their mental acknowledgement of how in love we...were? Are?

 

Anyway, I guess today will give me my answer, one way or the other.

[justagirliegirl]

I hate when people do this!

 

What is going on is that you called him on something you think is inappropriate and he gets mad and disappears to punish you. Yes he was going on a trip but by withdrawing and not contacting you he is punishing you. Now you are upset and the tables have turned. Your issue still wasn't addressed or resolved. You are all upset and wondering and worrying if it is over and the heat is off the original issue.

 

Nice way to train you to keep quiet about things that bother you. Don't speak up or I will withdraw and abandon you.

 

Pretty sneaky, mean, and manipulative if you ask me.

 

Your upset reaction to him is setting the tone for the future. He will know this is a way to push your buttons.

 

I think what I would do in this situation is to stop all contact and when he does contact you wait awhile to respond and when you do bring up the original topic and not let him get away with avoiding it at your expense.

[Grrlish]

I hate when people do this!

 

What is going on is that you called him on something you think is inappropriate and he gets mad and disappears to punish you. Yes he was going on a trip but by withdrawing and not contacting you he is punishing you. Now you are upset and the tables have turned. Your issue still wasn't addressed or resolved. You are all upset and wondering and worrying if it is over and the heat is off the original issue.

 

Nice way to train you to keep quiet about things that bother you. Don't speak up or I will withdraw and abandon you.

 

Pretty sneaky, mean, and manipulative if you ask me.

 

Your upset reaction to him is setting the tone for the future. He will know this is a way to push your buttons.

 

I think what I would do in this situation is to stop all contact and when he does contact you wait awhile to respond and when you do bring up the original topic and not let him get away with avoiding it at your expense.

 

Yes, I feel that part of this was a 'test'. I initially failed but I've gathered myself and will respond as my normal self in the future.

 

Good point about "the heat being off the original issue". Not only has it turned into a 'is the relationship over' issue but he also made the issue all about him by trying to make it look like I was questioning him about something without cause (so I'M a terrible person).

 

This has not been lost on me, GirlieGirl. If he wants to go forward, I am certain that he knows this will require addressing all points surrounding this issue. If he does not want to go forward, then, for me, the issue will have been resolved. It will mean to me that continuing those types of communications with other women is more important than our relationship. Issue resolved.

 

I honestly do not need to know the details of why this would be the case for him, especially if we were not planning on working things out. I would not feel the need to analyze him or even understand the workings of his mind. All that would matter, if it turns out that he feels this way, is that...he feels this way. The only reason for me to understand the detailed workings of his brain in this regard would be if I were going to try and change his thought process. And I'm not, and I wouldn't. I don't try to change people any more.

 

I spent 5 years with someone, in the past, that worked really hard to 'train' me to keep things to myself. I've been working hard with my boyfriend, and he has actively encouraged this, to unlearn that behavior.

 

Yes, I'm sure that he knows that he is pushing my buttons.

 

He also knows that when a man makes me question the 'realness' of a relationship, I will pull back and run for the hills. That's where I am now (heh...hiding in the hills). I don't plan on initiating contact with him. I already put out effort in trying to contact him when he first left town. He chose not to respond at that time and has elected not to call me at all, or email again since Christmas. He knows me better (or should) than to think that I'm going to chase him down at this point.

 

Like I said, if he fails to contact me today, that will tell me all I need to know.

[D-Lish]

He's mad at you because you questioned him remaining online when you were apparantly in an exclusive relationship?

 

I met my ex online- and after 6 weeks my friend told me she saw his profile was still up. I went and checked- and it was, and he had checked his mail that very day. I questioned him on it and he apologized and removed his profile immediately. That is how he should have responded! that is how your guy should have responded too.

 

Red flag? I think so.

Be careful.

D

[dropdeadlegs]

If he says he is tired of you questioning his fidelity - that may be true - but a man that wants to stay with you (and work through it) would say, "what do I need to do to show you I am with you and only you?"....

 

Once someone stops really trying to be together - and the other person works harder (instead of walking away) - it just drags out the inevitable break up....

 

Like I always told my husband when we were dating (he was a big time player before me) - if you are going to treat me badly, I have no reason to stay with you. You aren't special - I can throw a rock in any direction and hit 20 guys who can treat me badly. Show me you want me to stay with YOU by treating me like a Queen. That's what makes you special to me. That'll make me stuck to you.

 

Wow, these thoughts are true pearls. Where was this kind of advice when I was stupid and giving my love to so many who were so unworthy? I'm so grateful I know where to get it now! I can't tell you how many times I have let a relationship that should have been over, in fact WAS over by the actions of the other party, drag on for YEARS! How much wasted time I spent trying harder and harder to make things work in two marriages that still ended in divorce because the choice to marry them was such a bad one. As for throwing a rock and hitting a bad choice for a partner, sometimes I think that is exactly what I did. 95% odds were that I would hit one who would treat me badly.

 

Grrlish, it obvious that you have more self respect than that, but I didn't discover my inner love until I found a man who showed me and told me that I had been giving myself the short end of the stick for years. He taught me how to love myself and demand and expect only the best treatment from all others.

 

I hate when people do this!

 

What is going on is that you called him on something you think is inappropriate and he gets mad and disappears to punish you. Yes he was going on a trip but by withdrawing and not contacting you he is punishing you. Now you are upset and the tables have turned. Your issue still wasn't addressed or resolved. You are all upset and wondering and worrying if it is over and the heat is off the original issue.

 

Nice way to train you to keep quiet about things that bother you. Don't speak up or I will withdraw and abandon you.

 

Pretty sneaky, mean, and manipulative if you ask me.

 

Your upset reaction to him is setting the tone for the future. He will know this is a way to push your buttons.

 

 

What insight. I had not thought about how the original issue would be swept under the rug with the threat of ending things.

 

Grrlish, I am sorry that he has chosen to disregard your feelings by his methods of communication. And LACK of communication. That is not acceptable at all. Thank you for adding the additional info and addressing my questions. I have jumped over to the other side of the fence based on that info and I think what you are doing now is the right course of action. I know it hurts and it is hard at times not to make contact. I can totally empathize with your vacillating feelings because breakups hurt even when I am initiating the break.

 

Tomorrow is a new day and a new year. As for the gym situation, I guess I would be cordial but not necessarily friendly. I believe that he SHOULD come running back with his tail between his legs, full of apology for his insensitivity and willing to show you that he is worthy of regaining your intimate trust. IF that's what you decide YOU want.

 

Best wishes, dear. I'm 42 and I wholeheartedly agree that 40 is the new 20. I am so much more together than I was at that young age! Happy New Year to you!

[Island Girl]

Grrrlish

 

The tail-between-the-legs is essentially about humility.

 

After such poor treatment his ego needs to be taken down a peg when it comes to dealing with you.

 

He owes you an apology and it should be understood that his behavior will not be tolerated by you.

 

He must know you can and will walk. That creates respect and boundaries of behavior.

 

"Treat me like you want to keep me or I walk because you obviously don't" has been my motto.

 

Men can suck up all of the "great treatment" like one of those miracle towels and if it is not demanded back, well, they don't give it and it causes them to devalue the relationship.

 

We teach them how we want to be treated by the lines and boundaries we draw in the sand so to speak.

 

Most of the problems I see in relationships like this is the woman not holding herself up as the coveted one. Instead treating him like she is soooo lucky to be with him and he is so great - it just goes to their heads that's all. In my book they earn those praises by action and if the threat is they are going to leave -- my response is, "Go then. Try to find another like me. I am one in a million. If you can't see that, I am not going to waste my time educating you. Bye-bye."

 

I have actually said that - to my husband when we were talking of living together. He got a wild hair up his you-know-what (he was testing me to see if he could get over on me - if I was like all of his others that chased him) and he said - out of the blue - "I don't think we're going to work out".

 

My response initially was "what are you talking about?" but when his response was vague I understood he was:

 

1. Testing me, or,

 

2. Really didn't think we'd work out.

 

Either way my reaction had to be the same. So I agreed with him and said, "okay, well if you feel that way then you should go."

 

He tried to drag it on and keep the conversation going because he wasn't expecting that but I kept telling him if he felt we weren't going to work out there was nothing to talk about.

 

5:30am the next morning he was knocking at the door. When I answered he was very upset and told me "you can't do this to me, my stomach is upset, I can't sleep", etc.

 

We then had a detailed conversation so that he understood -

 

1. Don't threaten me with something to try to manipulate me.

 

2. If you want to go I will not beg you to stay. I will move on to the person who wants to be with me - no problem. The pain of the break-up is much easier to deal with than the insecurity of being in a relationship where I am not valued.

 

3. Don't ever say something to me unless you mean it and you are prepared for the consequences.

 

4. I do not love or need you enough to be trampled on or treated badly. I demand a certain level of respect no matter what.

 

Grrrlish - I hope this year is a new beginning for you.

 

I hope you find someone who treats you as you ought to be treated and does not give mixed signals or take advantage of your generosity as this man has seemed to.

 

If you meet another like this get out fast and move on. There are too many good ones to waste your time with a bad one.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

[Grrlish]

Tomorrow is a new day and a new year. As for the gym situation, I guess I would be cordial but not necessarily friendly. I believe that he SHOULD come running back with his tail between his legs, full of apology for his insensitivity and willing to show you that he is worthy of regaining your intimate trust. IF that's what you decide YOU want.

 

Best wishes, dear. I'm 42 and I wholeheartedly agree that 40 is the new 20. I am so much more together than I was at that young age! Happy New Year to you!

 

DDL:

I do plan on being cordial when our paths cross. I want to leave the door open for him to come back...at least for a little while. But I'm not into faking it and I don't exactly have a really good poker face. I do not plan on going out of my way to have a conversation with him. I don't plan on holding any type of personal conversation (about any of this) with him in the gym. I think a nod will be plenty; a 'hey' at most, if somehow necessary.

 

I do, in fact, intend to adjust my hours just a little to try and minimize the amount of time where we might be there at the same time.

 

I love him very much. But as you pointed out, Island Girl is on the money with:

 

If he says he is tired of you questioning his fidelity - that may be true - but a man that wants to stay with you (and work through it) would say, "what do I need to do to show you I am with you and only you?"....

 

 

He owes me more than one apology, as far as I'm concerned. It's going to really hurt if he doesn't 'Man Up' and come forward but I know that in the long run, even though we've had a really good relationship, a really good time together, and I think that he's one of the most wonderful men that I've ever met...I know that I'm better off with someone who will be devoted to me and to our relationship.

 

This might not come out right but...I realize that there are some people (men and women) who are more willing to settle as they get older - because they don't want to live their lives alone. I don't want to live my life alone either (and thank God for my wonderful friends!) but as I get older and love myself more, I'm so much less likely to settle as I get older.

 

I'm not against having friends of the opposite gender...I have a few. In fact, my best friend is a man that I've known for 20 years. But I don't exchange emails, chat messages or TMs outside of the context of friendship with any of them. And if they get 'out of line', I nudge them back into place.

 

I'm not particularly insecure or jealous (or hurting for male attention) but I've been in enough relationships to know that there are certain things that I can/can't, will/won't deal with. This type of things is one of those.

 

DDL, yes, it sometimes takes us a long time to learn to love ourselves. I'm happy for you that you found a man who consciously wanted to support you in doing that. Lucky girl.

 

Thank you, again, for your input.

[dropdeadlegs]

as I get older and love myself more, I'm so much less likely to settle as I get older.

 

Amen to that! I would never accept most of the things I found acceptable in the past. And Island Girl has made me even more sure of that with her insight. Growth is certainly a wonderful and empowering thing!

[jusified]

Grrlish, you seem like a great girl and know hwo to be a really good partner. Only if more girls out there were like you.

[Grrlish]

Grrlish, you seem like a great girl and know hwo to be a really good partner. Only if more girls out there were like you.

 

Thank you, Jusified.

 

I guess both genders are challenged when it comes to finding a partner that fits.

 

I am far from naive but I continue to be amazed at the things people do sometimes that ruin relationships, and the games that people play with each other's hearts.

 

Happy New Year, Jus.

[Guest]

I do feel the new year helps a bit with reliefing part of the pain left over from last year. What are you guys feeling now?

[jusified]

Happy New Year to you too.

 

Lets look at things this way, its not a challenge as such. The fact is if you are a really good person, you deserve and need to set your expectations high so you deserve someone thats is really good for you just like you are too them.

 

I am also amazed how selfish and inconsiderate some people are, it just seems like there is a small number of people that are truely non selfish and considerate with friends and loved ones. I mean you have to look after yourself first but when things come down to it a person with a good character should always consider the other person and not be selfish. He did not put enough consideration of your feelings, he was selfish about him self and did what he wanted to do, and didn't make as much effort as you in the relationship (so it seems from the posts).

 

I know you are a person with good character, so be happy you got away from someone that is.

[Grrlish]

He did not put enough consideration of your feelings, he was selfish about him self and did what he wanted to do, and didn't make as much effort as you in the relationship (so it seems from the posts).

 

 

This is actually something that I'm having a great amount of difficulty with. He did put out a lot of effort in this relationship - toward communication, spending time together, doing 'the little things' for me, etc.

 

That is why I'm just floored at the way things are right now.

 

In reality, though, yes, his current behavior is completely selfish and self-centered.

 

I am at a complete loss as far as understanding why he sent me an email on Christmas telling me that that he misses me, how he's been going over everything about our relationship in his mind in detail (and that it has its been mostly good times, feelings, growth), that I've given him cause for personal in-depth self-analysis, and telling me about his mother's health condition...and then no follow-up whatsoever.

 

Maybe he felt that my brief response to his email was telling him to take a hike. I don't know...

[jusified]

That maybe the the case, if your emails were really short that is.

 

Well I think you have to figure out what you want and if his willing to come back and work on the problems first before getting back together then it'll happen.

 

As for him contacting you..... it's probably because he was feeling lonely and having a rough period at that time, and now its new years his got things back on track in his life.

[Grrlish]

He's mad at you because you questioned him remaining online when you were apparantly in an exclusive relationship?

 

I met my ex online- and after 6 weeks my friend told me she saw his profile was still up. I went and checked- and it was, and he had checked his mail that very day. I questioned him on it and he apologized and removed his profile immediately. That is how he should have responded! that is how your guy should have responded too.

 

Red flag? I think so.

Be careful.

D

 

D-Lish:

 

I somehow missed your post.

 

About six weeks after we started dating and he was encouraging me to get serious with him, he still had a profile up online. He was on two sites and had pulled one about 3 weeks after we started dating. I finally said something to him about the other one and let him know that if he needed to continue with that sort of thing that we would need to quit seeing each other exclusively (he had already told me that he did not want to see anyone else). I never told him what to do. I just told him what I would have to do.

 

He pulled his profile the next day.

 

I see that red flag, Girl. It is one of the reasons that I'm not taking the initiative to contact him. When he comes back with red flag burning in hand, I guess we'll have something to talk about.

 

However, it would seem that maintaining his online persona via chat, TMing, etc., is more important to him than our relationship.

[Grrlish]

That maybe the the case, if your emails were really short that is.

 

Yes, my email was two sentences long. If he was trying to feel things out to see what I was thinking on the other end, I'm sure it came across as pretty cool. But what did he expect?

 

Well I think you have to figure out what you want and if his willing to come back and work on the problems first before getting back together then it'll happen.

 

Yep. The door is still open...

 

As for him contacting you..... it's probably because he was feeling lonely and having a rough period at that time, and now its new years his got things back on track in his life.

 

Ouch. Could be...

[Guest]

So a question for you all... I am having a similar situation w/ my BF (ex?)of 6 months . I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how to respond if they do come back...Right before Christmas we had fight I guess. It was more like I was mad at him because he waits till the last minute to make plans (or tell me about plans he has made for us) and I end up feeling like an idiot for not knowing what’s going on.

 

So here’s the story- I went to happy hour with friends ended up pretty sauced and when he finally showed up he wanted to go to the movies with his brother and girlfriend who I had never met. I should have said no, I wasn’t in the mood and I was upset with him for doing this again and I admit I am not the most mature person when it comes to drinking and communicating. But I decided to go because it would be our last chance to see each other until after the holidays.

 

So I went- it was uncomfortable. He was clearly irritated with me and me with him. I didn’t speak to him very much but he still wanted to come over and spend the night and he drove me to the airport the next morning. When I left him at the curb I told him I loved him and he nodded… not the response the makes insecurities diminish. So over the next few days, I didn’t hear from him. I called him on Christmas and had a 1 minute conversation with him.

 

He had spontaneously decided to go to Florida with his pals. That’s fine- he certainly doesn’t need my permission to go, but I asked him to let me know when he was coming home. He didn’t. I texted him on Thursday after hearing from some mutual friends he was coming home- he responded “Yup at the airport.” I saw him briefly that night, but he was clearly being very cool towards me. He didn’t ask me about my holiday and he didn’t tell me anything about his trip.

 

Friday after work I called him to find out what he was up to, he told me that he was having dinner with his brother but if I wanted to drop by to see him at work, he would be there Friday, Saturday and Sunday (which he hadn’t told about this work schedule ahead of time either and we had had plans on Saturday). I didn’t contact him Friday or Saturday, but I stopped by to see him on Sunday night and again he was very cool and he didn’t say he would call me or see me later in the week which isn’t like him. So now it’s Wednesday and I haven’t heard from him. He hasn’t said “the words” but it really feels like that’s what he’s implying so I’ve decided I will not contact him and I will not chase after him or pursue him in any way.

 

But this is leading to some doubts. First, is no contact in this case the way to go? I don’t want to push him away, but I also don’t want him to think he can punish me through limited contact into allowing him to continue this pattern of non-communication and disrespect. Does that make sense? To not communicate to show someone that not communicating is wrong. And also I think I’ve made it clear in the limited contact we have had in the last couple of days that I am open to discussing things with him. But I feel like he needs to really miss me before he is going to be open to making this change in his behavior. I have told him that he may act this way with his guy friends and they don’t care, but I do.

 

Second, if he does call what should I do and say? Ignore the first call? And if I do respond, I don’t want to appear angry and irritated because I want to appear aloof and composed so that it appears he doesn’t have control of any sort over my emotions. However on the other hand, I don’t want to think this sort of behavior is in any way ok with me and I am afraid if I don’t address he will think its pushed under the rug.

 

Any suggestions ladies- you're advice seems right on…

[Island Girl]

Guest --

 

I would really like to reply in detail, however, I do not want to hijack this thread. Could you cut and paste to start a new thread?

[Guest]

it was meant to be much shorter orginially and you guys really did give good advice. I've moved it.

 

What if the words have not yet been said?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108702/

[sunangel]

I know that your situation is like in the air right now, and it's defiantely messed up! The least he can do is tell you what the deal is. Since he obviously doesn't have the balls to do so than don't sit around and wait any longer! Give yourself the respect and value you deserve.....