To the OW/OM...Do not expect your friends to support your poor decisions!

[GreenEyedLady]

Um, did you read anything I wrote? Yes there was: My friend.

 

UM, I did read what you wrote, but it is YOUR friend saying that, and she's not here...no one here said that...

[kymberann]

Wow, here is another tough one! Just because a friend does not "approve" of an A does not mean the friendship is not "true". Friends should be able to call you on the carpet, but yet be there for support whether it goes against their values or not. Besides they aren't the one having the affair at the time. And neither parties involved in a friendship never know when that friend may have a completly different set of moral dilemnas they have to tackle in the future.

 

Here is one of the greatest mistakes I have made in my life!! I had a dear, great, best friend. She was at my first wedding, there when my first baby was born. helped me through issues with first marriage. I had known her for many years, was there when her mother died, we were best friends. Spent a lot of time together! She got married and within a year it went downhill. I had remarried and she had moved out east to live with her husband's family. She hated it, had regretted getting married and was trying to make it work. She often called me and then told me that she met someone and they were at first good friends. As you know these things progress and they became intimate and she was divorcing current spouse, moving back out west and wanting to work on R with this new guy.

 

I, being the newly married idiot that I was, dropped her like THAT. I made a judgement call the worst thing a "friend" can do. I had no idea what she was going through, no concept as to why she was doing what she did. As a friend I was not there. I told her I disapproved and ended our R. I sooooo regret that now! It wasn't up to me to "understand" her. I was her friend and I let her down when all she needed was support, whether I agreed or not! I wasn't the one having the affiar, I was her friend and I failed!

 

Now I sound like an idealist. We have our limits...we only have so much we can take. But, after having experienced so much since that time I truly regret my actions. Bottom line..don't judge too quickly!

[pureinheart]

Pureinheart -

 

A friend does not ask another friend, especially one who's ex-husband cheated on her, to stand by her while she makes a huge a$$ of herself with a married man with two kids. And she should not expect her friend to pick up the pieces after she is inevitably "devastated" by the adulterer, as though she is the "victim". A friend that does that is a selfish manipulator. Period.

 

Before my stupid A w/ ex-cakeman, my friend chased this MM....we all told her she was nuts...well, she too rubbed this A in my face....I told her to please don't talk about A w/MM, you need to respect the fact that I don't want to hear about it....she didn't talk about him anymore.

 

There is a reason freckles that she has been a long time friend...your straight thinking could pull her out of it when she is ready....we all make stupid mistakes....I am the queen of stupid mistakes.....

 

Have you already broken off the friendship? If not, I would ask you to reconsider....trust me, thing will blow up quick...

[pureinheart]

Wow, here is another tough one! Just because a friend does not "approve" of an A does not mean the friendship is not "true". Friends should be able to call you on the carpet, but yet be there for support whether it goes against their values or not. Besides they aren't the one having the affair at the time. And neither parties involved in a friendship never know when that friend may have a completly different set of moral dilemnas they have to tackle in the future.

 

Here is one of the greatest mistakes I have made in my life!! I had a dear, great, best friend. She was at my first wedding, there when my first baby was born. helped me through issues with first marriage. I had known her for many years, was there when her mother died, we were best friends. Spent a lot of time together! She got married and within a year it went downhill. I had remarried and she had moved out east to live with her husband's family. She hated it, had regretted getting married and was trying to make it work. She often called me and then told me that she met someone and they were at first good friends. As you know these things progress and they became intimate and she was divorcing current spouse, moving back out west and wanting to work on R with this new guy.

 

I, being the newly married idiot that I was, dropped her like THAT. I made a judgement call the worst thing a "friend" can do. I had no idea what she was going through, no concept as to why she was doing what she did. As a friend I was not there. I told her I disapproved and ended our R. I sooooo regret that now! It wasn't up to me to "understand" her. I was her friend and I let her down when all she needed was support, whether I agreed or not! I wasn't the one having the affiar, I was her friend and I failed!

 

Now I sound like an idealist. We have our limits...we only have so much we can take. But, after having experienced so much since that time I truly regret my actions. Bottom line..don't judge too quickly!

 

Totally agree Kym....by my own lack of compassion, God allowed me to go through the very things I've hated the most and judged others for.....I was quick to judge and slow to listen....

[kymberann]

I was quick to judge and slow to listen....

 

Good point! I will never do that ever again!

 

ANd I think it is through our own experiences that we do gain compassion and empathy. It takes a strong person to admit to making mistakes!

[BenThereDunThat]

Totally agree Kym....by my own lack of compassion, God allowed me to go through the very things I've hated the most and judged others for.....I was quick to judge and slow to listen....

 

You guys are so right. When I was younger I was very judgmental and not a very compassionate friend at times. I lived in a very small, black and white world.

 

I'm so glad to have grown, sometimes through my own ghastly mistakes, and glad that I could recognize it. I feel like I'm a better person for it.

 

But based on Freckles' elaborations here, and without anything else to go on, I don't know if I could stand by this person's side either. Only going by what she has told us. It's one thing for her friend to make her own mistakes, but she doesn't seem to care about the fact that Freckles has been drawn into it. If I were her friend, and unable to stay away from the MM for whatever reason, I would be way too ashamed to even tell her about it - especially after she had to take the call from the W!

 

I hope I'm even making sense. All hopped up on Nyquil...why can't this stuff just knock me out?

[Can'tGiveUp]

Doesn't exactly sound like Freckles' friend is being much of a friend - what with the statements she has made.

 

In my opinion, my friends may make stupid choices but they are their choices to make. If all I can do to help them, is to be there to pick them up and give them a hug after, then so be it. I can't make their decisions for them - only offer my opinions, and support them in what they decide to do. I don't have to believe in what they are doing in order to be their friend.

[pureinheart]

You guys are so right. When I was younger I was very judgmental and not a very compassionate friend at times. I lived in a very small, black and white world.

 

I'm so glad to have grown, sometimes through my own ghastly mistakes, and glad that I could recognize it. I feel like I'm a better person for it.

 

But based on Freckles' elaborations here, and without anything else to go on, I don't know if I could stand by this person's side either. Only going by what she has told us. It's one thing for her friend to make her own mistakes, but she doesn't seem to care about the fact that Freckles has been drawn into it. If I were her friend, and unable to stay away from the MM for whatever reason, I would be way too ashamed to even tell her about it - especially after she had to take the call from the W!

 

I hope I'm even making sense. All hopped up on Nyquil...why can't this stuff just knock me out?

 

LOL...ROFL....Nyquil is supposed to knock you out....man...you would party us under the table possibly....do you have to drink a lot of beers..lol....too funny....well with a cold not too funny, right.....

 

Anyway, this is a hard decision to make....I mean maybe freckles friend is not such a good friend and should have never been a friend in the first place?

[BenThereDunThat]

LOL...ROFL....Nyquil is supposed to knock you out....man...you would party us under the table possibly....do you have to drink a lot of beers..lol....too funny....well with a cold not too funny, right.....

 

Anyway, this is a hard decision to make....I mean maybe freckles friend is not such a good friend and should have never been a friend in the first place?

 

LMAO - Depends on what's going on around me at the time. I can go through A LOT of beer...but as soon as I eat something, that's all she wrote. I'm down for the count. Zzzzz....

[pureinheart]

Hey freckles,

 

Gave my opinion based on my set of friends....have been used a lot in my life, but those were very short term friends. When you said she was a long term friend....well most of my friends are longgggg term friends and they are all cool. We all did and still are doing stupid things, but we are always there to help each other.

 

Well like one male friend I have, a few years back went through a D after 42 yrs of M.....Lord have mercy, he went off the total deep end and drove all of us nuts....man freckles, the "ladies" that he hooked himself up with, they were a very sad mess and we all felt my friend was trashing himself. We stuck by him and he is coming out of it.

 

Since she is long term, mayby distancing yourself for a time would be better? The hypersensitivity of your H cheating will subside eventually and she will hit bottom....I still say be there for her.

[NoIDidn't]

I think freckles is making the right decision for HER. No one here can judge her for that (all the while calling her judgmental, at that).

 

I have had one of those friends, and while I didn't abandon her while she was in the midst of making decisions that I warned her would affect her negatively for a LONG time (and yep, it happened just like I said it would), I didn't go with her to be around those people. I told her how I felt about the guy and his friends and their "business" and that was that. We could hang out without them or we wouldn't hang out. It worked okay for a time.

 

So freckles, I feel ya. I have had that friend that wanted me to do stakeouts and whatnot when I had finals to study for. I have had that friend who wanted me to co-sign on loans and leases for her (I didn't, mind you) knowing she was depending on yet another party to even pay the bill (and her credit is still ruined behind this to this day 12 years later). I know that friend. You love them and care for them, and they drain you, guilt trip you, MANIPULATE you into getting what they want.

 

Walk on, sister. I feel ya. No judgment from this corner.

[pureinheart]

LMAO - Depends on what's going on around me at the time. I can go through A LOT of beer...but as soon as I eat something, that's all she wrote. I'm down for the count. Zzzzz....

 

The Nyquil hasn't hit you yet????? Dam* !!!!!! Hey an old bf that I used to party with told me a little while ago...Man, you were cool, you could keep up with me (drinking beer)....BTDT...this guy could drink!

 

Ya, me too...food ruins the high!

[freckles73]

I think in my case I have just had enough...been drained too much by this friend.

 

I did not judge her or scold her when she got pregnant by a serial "baby daddy" and tried to pin the paternity on her ex-husband (who she was still married to at the time of conception). And I didn't give her a hard time about not being employed for years on end, on welfare, living with her parents, or being morbidly obese.

 

Instead, I have tried to offer gentle advice to help her grow as a person, but she remains emotionally stunted and immature and, like I previously said, so desperate for attention that she lets a married guy use her and got b!tchy and spiteful towards me when I called her out on it.

 

You can only see someone throw themselves off a bridge so many times before you have to walk away to save your own sanity.

[pureinheart]

You might be way too emotionally involved....we always want people and especially friends to make their lives better, and sometimes they don't....

 

She is hurting and acting out right now...you could be possibly expecting things out of her that she is not capable of right now.

 

Now this is a real possiblity, so please hear this with an open mind....when we are close to people we make "investments" in them, our time, knowledge, ect... we may feel responsible for them in a sence, especially those that appear weak....we worry and hurt over their circumstances...we make their circumstances our own.

 

If we can detach and move our responsibility concerning their circumstances and just let them "be"....this takes the heavy burden off of us and moves the pressure off of the relationship

[freckles73]

I think it was the personal attacks that pushed me over the edge. For her to state that I must somehow be jealous, wanting to deprive her of happiness, or evil because I believe that she is making a huge error in good judgment. All of which couldn't be farther from the truth.

 

It just seems to be that she is an extremely desperate person. A few years ago she got very drunk at a friend's party (which she sort of crashed) and ended up having a one night stand with a guy that later stated that he would never have had sex with her had be been sober. I unfortunately ran into him on several occasions where she was not present and he said that she was constantly calling him and begging him to see her again, and he wanted nothing to do with her.

 

And yet, even a couple of years later she is still talking about how hot he is and how much she loves him, yada yada yada. It's so pathetic, really. And I tried very gently telling her that he isn't interested in her that way, but she could not get it through her thick skull. So what does she do? She settles for the next guy (married in this case) that shows her any attention at all.

 

It really is very maddening that she can get so angry at me about this, but yet she has no anger towards the men that use her and throws all her self-respect out the window in the process.

[frannie]

Totally agree Kym....by my own lack of compassion, God allowed me to go through the very things I've hated the most and judged others for.....I was quick to judge and slow to listen....

 

u-huh... that happened to me too. I don't think I've ever judged anyone so harshly as I've judged married men having affairs... and now here I am in an affair myself? Ditto for my MM who always thought people having affairs and "leaving their children" were out of their minds.

 

But, on topic:

 

To the OP, of course it's your choice to decide whether to be friends and support this friend of yours. Sounds like you've had enough trouble with her already, and I don't really blame you for buying out of the drama this time. I've lost friends in the past from telling them the whole truth. I remember years ago a girlfriend of mine was involved with a man I thought was really bad for her. I didn't say anything til she asked me what I thought of him, and I told her straight that I thought if she married him she'd have trouble. She ditched me and never spoke to me again.

 

Friends is hard at times

[kymberann]

Freckles...

Research borderline personality disorder, at the very least personality disorder...

and tell us what you think!

Not that you can do anything about it, but it may give you a different perspective and it may help you set some boundaries, for your own sanity!

Best

[Guest]

Thats not true at all.A true friend will tell you when you are making a mistake that is harmful to yourself . Its called telling the truth , thus true friend.

 

I agree...a true friend will tell you the truth...and as a friend to themselves, they have a right to make a decision whether to stay a friend or to leave. If a friend of mine starting smoking crack, I would leave them, change the locks, and not look back.

 

You don't have to go downhill because your friend goes downhill. ANd if they need help, I will make a decision to help them when they are truly ready...