To the OW/OM...Do not expect your friends to support your poor decisions!

[freckles73]

I had to call off a very long friendship with a woman who (for the second time) brags to me that she is starting an affair with a married guy, who has two kids. That's right....she is not remorseful, and she sees nothing wrong with she or him are doing.

 

She got angry and belligerent with me because instead of saying, "Oh, goodie for you!", I told her she is making a bad decision. I told her that I cannot be friends with someone who chooses a path which is so diametrically opposed to my own values and morals.

 

So do not expect that your friends are going to support or applaud your decision, and do not make them out to be the bad guys just because they abhor adultery.

[BenThereDunThat]

Ok, thanks....we'll be sure and not expect that. Gosh, I'm glad we got THAT out of the way.

 

You know, since we've all bragged so much and are so proud of ourselves.

[soo confused]

you are obviously not a true friend...Glad I don't have friends like you ..

[tinktronik]

you are obviously not a true friend...Glad I don't have friends like you ..

WHAAA??? :confused:

[soo confused]

I just meant TRUE friends wil support you in anything that you do!

[whichwayisup]

I just meant TRUE friends wil support you in anything that you do!

 

True friends will you tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. True friends don't have to support you through your affair...Or be part of it. But, true friends WILL be there for when the affair ends to try to help.

[tinktronik]

I just meant TRUE friends wil support you in anything that you do!

Thats not true at all.A true friend will tell you when you are making a mistake that is harmful to yourself . Its called telling the truth , thus true friend.

[GirlFromOz]

I just meant TRUE friends wil support you in anything that you do!

 

I hope that my TRUE friends tell it like it is, rather than saying what I want to hear.

[BenThereDunThat]

I totally agree that a true friend will tell you you're making a huge mistake. And believe me, becoming involved with a MM is a HUGE mistake, IMHO.

 

I just thought it was laughable that Freckles jumped in here and said that when it was obvious to me she hadn't even done much reading here.

 

I don't recall anyone in here bragging or demanding/expecting support from friends and loved ones.

 

Quite the opposite.

[freckles73]

Well, this guy is baaaaad news. He is only using her. He calls her filthy names behind her back, and yet she goes back for more. She is a very desperate individual. I told her last time that if she got herself re-involved with him that I would walk. Apparently, being used by him is more important than our friendship.

[freckles73]

I just thought it was laughable that Freckles jumped in here and said that when it was obvious to me she hadn't even done much reading here.

 

I don't recall anyone in here bragging or demanding/expecting support from friends and loved ones.

 

Quite the opposite.

 

Obviously, my statement was meant for those to whom it would apply.

[soo confused]

Ok let me try this again ... they said they cut off their r with their friend b/c she was having an A with a mm and she didn't approve, a true friend would support you meaning be there for you when you needed them for whatever you needed them for good or bad..

I know the out friends I have told some don't like the idea of what i am doing but they aren't going to stop being my friend b/c of it!

[norajane]

Well, this guy is baaaaad news. He is only using her. He calls her filthy names behind her back, and yet she goes back for more. She is a very desperate individual. I told her last time that if she got herself re-involved with him that I would walk. Apparently, being used by him is more important than our friendship.

 

She's not choosing him over your friendship. She's choosing him over her best interests; she's choosing him over herself.

[GreenEyedLady]

I have to echo BTDT...but I actually am blessed to have my best friend for 22 years who supports me and loves me unconditionally...she doesn't condone the R I am in, but understands the circumstances and that life doesn't always go as planned...

 

True friends do tell it like it is, and she does just that, and I reciprocate...that's part of a lifelong friendship...but we both make our own choices...it seems that withholding your friendship is kind of like a form of control, I think...but no one has to be friends, so you're entitled...and I see where soo confused is coming from...

 

Although, I'm really perplexed why you would start a thread here about it? I don't think anyone has brought anything remotely like it up somewhere else...So if you think that you are going to come in here and cause us to see the light, don't hold your breath...

[BenThereDunThat]

I can understand that it's hard to be friends with someone who continually does things to hurt herself - even after you've repeatedly told her that that is what she is doing.

 

It gets exhausting when these people expect you to be there to pick up the pieces time and again when it inevitably all comes crashing down.

 

Not knowing the history of your friendship, or if your friend falls into the above category, I can't say whether what you're doing is the right or wrong thing.

[tinktronik]

I have to echo BTDT...but I actually am blessed to have my best friend for 22 years who supports me and loves me unconditionally...she doesn't condone the R I am in, but understands the circumstances and that life doesn't always go as planned...

 

True friends do tell it like it is, and she does just that, and I reciprocate...that's part of a lifelong friendship...but we both make our own choices...it seems that withholding your friendship is kind of like a form of control, I think...but no one has to be friends, so you're entitled...and I see where soo confused is coming from...

 

Although, I'm really perplexed why you would start a thread here about it? I don't think anyone has brought anything remotely like it up somewhere else...So if you think that you are going to come in here and cause us to see the light, don't hold your breath...

I would guess she posted it here because this is the OW forum and she had something to be said to OW .

[BenThereDunThat]

GEL you always manage to say what I am thinking...only way better.

[norajane]

Ok let me try this again ... they said they cut off their r with their friend b/c she was having an A with a mm and she didn't approve, a true friend would support you meaning be there for you when you needed them for whatever you needed them for good or bad..

I know the out friends I have told some don't like the idea of what i am doing but they aren't going to stop being my friend b/c of it!

 

Some people can't stick around, especially if they've been there through the first affair. It's very difficult being a friend to someone who is doing something self-destructive...whether it be an affair or drugs or alcohol or staying in an abusive relationship. The friendship can become highly one-sided with the supporting friend being drained by always being leaned on for support, and getting very little in return in the way of friendship herself. If you've ever been friends with a narcissist, then you know what I mean...me me me people are almost impossible to be friends with.

 

Obviously, that's not always the case in affair situations, but if she's been through this before with the OW, then I can see how she might not choose to put herself through that kind of experience again.

[freckles73]

Some people can't stick around, especially if they've been there through the first affair. It's very difficult being a friend to someone who is doing something self-destructive...whether it be an affair or drugs or alcohol or staying in an abusive relationship. The friendship can become highly one-sided with the supporting friend being drained by always being leaned on for support, and getting very little in return in the way of friendship herself. If you've ever been friends with a narcissist, then you know what I mean...me me me people are almost impossible to be friends with.

 

Obviously, that's not always the case in affair situations, but if she's been through this before with the OW, then I can see how she might not choose to put herself through that kind of experience again.

 

Exactly.

 

And the other complication of this is that I used to be friends with him, and the last time she screwed around with him I got a call FROM HIS WIFE. She was crying and hurt and wanted to know the truth, because she could not get the truth from him. I was not going to lie or cover for her or him. I told her very plainly what I knew and then asked her to please deal with her husband and a therapist about it, because I did NOT want to be involved in this sick business ever again.

 

And now my old friend is involved with him again and blatantly bragging about it. When I told her that I did not like what she was doing she actually said I was jealous. So not only is she manipulative, she is delusional. And I am done.

[Trialbyfire]

I see no reason why a friend should support you on something that is against their moral values and not be allowed to provide their input. If they're there to pick up the pieces afterwards, that's a true friend. Friendship doesn't mean unconditional support in all situations.

[BenThereDunThat]

In that case, I'd have to be done too. She involved you in her mess the first time around and left you holding the bag when you got the call from the wife.

 

I would have had two words for her: "Buh Bye."

[GreenEyedLady]

I think the point is there wasn't an OW saying that they MUST be supported by their friends...

[pureinheart]

Well, this guy is baaaaad news. He is only using her. He calls her filthy names behind her back, and yet she goes back for more. She is a very desperate individual. I told her last time that if she got herself re-involved with him that I would walk. Apparently, being used by him is more important than our friendship.

 

My friends did not give me ultimatums concerning my stupid EA w/ex-MM....they prayed with me, stuck by me through all of it. They knew of the destruction coming my way and remained my friends and picked me up when I fell (I do the same for them also).

 

Two of my really close friends were involved w/MM and one still is...I did everything in my power to talk them out of it, BUT will always be there for them....in fact one of them is about ready to bail from the A....mostlikely from what she has seen me go through.

 

I am not my friends judge and jury....I am their friend.

 

There have been times that I have been self-righteous and lost some really good friends....now if you feel that by remaining friends with this girl will pull you down and cause you to get into an A, then I say bail, but if not she will really need you soon.

[freckles73]

I think the point is there wasn't an OW saying that they MUST be supported by their friends...

 

Um, did you read anything I wrote? Yes there was: My friend.

[freckles73]

Pureinheart -

 

A friend does not ask another friend, especially one who's ex-husband cheated on her, to stand by her while she makes a huge a$$ of herself with a married man with two kids. And she should not expect her friend to pick up the pieces after she is inevitably "devastated" by the adulterer, as though she is the "victim". A friend that does that is a selfish manipulator. Period.