Betty boop 4 u Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 I am married but have been separated for the past 8 months. I am deaing with a married man. I have been married for 2 years and he has been married for 3. We have been together the for a little over 3 years. The "relationship" started when neither of us were married. I asked him if he considered marriage, and he lied and told me no. I got emotionally attached. I found out months later the day after he was married. A mutual friend who does not know that we have relations told me. I was crushed. I was willing to not go through with my marriage for him. I wasn't happy, but I ended up doing it anyway. I was miserable. I finally left a little over a year because the situation became abusive with my husband. Since, I moved, we have been together (the married guy and I) so much. I just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant. He has no children. I have a child from a previous relationship. I believe that his wife and him have been trying but have been unsuccessful..They have been together for over 10 years. We planned to have an abortion in 2 weeks...I thought it would be best due to the situation. Now, I am having mixed feelings. I feel really bad for what I am about to do. I have not expressed this to him. He is very hurt by this alos. I just don't know what to do.. I know this relationship was wrong from the get go. I love him, and it will crush me if I go through with this. I know that it will crush my husband (who also has no kids) and his wife if we were to go through with this. We both got married for the wrong reasons..basically because the other person wanted too..now we are here..deeply in love..w/a possible love child.. what should I do?
norajane Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 I suppose he has no intention of leaving his wife since they are trying to have a baby?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 I'm not sure what to say except that you have to do what you can live with...no one can make this choice for you...I've been where you are except that the father wasn't married and refused to talk to me after I told him (I ended up miscarrying anyway)...so your situation is more complicated... You don't have to have an abortion unless you want to...I know it sucks for MM if you decide not to abort but he is old enough to know the risks associated with having sex, especially outside of his M...I would really think about this and then make my choice...Best of luck to you!
JLO22 Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 This is a tough one!!!! I say get on knees and pray and ask GOD and JESUS CHRIST for some answer. A child is a gift from GOD (your husband nor does the wife) see how blessed you are, regardless of the situation it was concieved in. I would not get an abortion.... I will tough it out and leave the guy alone, come clean to everyone even if this break up marriages, ask for forgiveness, and raise my child. Your childern are number one right! Get your Child Support and move on. Yes it will be hard since you two have such a strong bond and you love him but who cares your childern comes first. Just thinking out the box now! Maybe it's meant for you two to be together, and this is how it's meant to be. Do what's right Have your child tell your husband and your BF tell his wife..... and go from there. HOPE THIS HELPS
dropdeadlegs Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 If you are having mixed feelings about aborting you probably shouldn't do it. You may have a lifetime of regret. I wouldn't go through with an abortion unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing to do for YOU. Is he pressuring you to abort so his wife won't find out or is he allowing you to choose what you want to do? Is he willing to take full responsibility for his part in this tough situation? It sounds like this will be where some true colors will be shown. You are separated from a husband you say was abusive so I wouldn't worry about his feelings but I assume his wife does not know about your relationship with her husband. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well.
puddleofmud Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 This is your body, your life, your baby. You are at 5 weeks and you have about seven more before you can no longer simply abort--thus, give yourself some time and figure out what is best for you and your baby. County family planning centers have usually have trained counselors, so please go to one and talk this out--for YOU. MM could also go... In the end it your body that bears this child and for the most part, you who will support the baby for the rest of its life. Take some time and take good care of your body for the baby since you don't know what you wish to do and if you do decide to abort so that you may heal. Whatever you decide is between you and your heart, mind and soul and your higher power. Bless you and may all that is kind keep you strong!
GirlFromOz Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 The "relationship" started when neither of us were married. I asked him if he considered marriage, and he lied and told me no. I got emotionally attached. I found out months later the day after he was married. A mutual friend who does not know that we have relations told me. I was crushed. I was willing to not go through with my marriage for him. I wasn't happy, but I ended up doing it anyway. We planned to have an abortion in 2 weeks...I thought it would be best due to the situation. Now, I am having mixed feelings. I feel really bad for what I am about to do. I have not expressed this to him. He is very hurt by this alos. I just don't know what to do.. I know this relationship was wrong from the get go. I love him, and it will crush me if I go through with this. I know that it will crush my husband (who also has no kids) and his wife if we were to go through with this. We both got married for the wrong reasons..basically because the other person wanted too..now we are here..deeply in love..w/a possible love child.. what should I do? I have no interest whatsoever in trying to get you to go through with the abortion or not. That is entirely your decision AND the fathers! No women gets pregnant these days unless she chooses too. You did not allow the MM to take part in choosing whether or not to have a child with you, despite the fact that it will also affect his life for the rest of his life. You should at least consult him on whether to keep it, adopt it or abort it (however, the final decision should still be yours). The fact that your MM decided to go through with his marriage AFTER he started seeing you is the number one indicator of where his feelings lie. He didn't even have the decency to tell you himself about his marriage, and since he is still trying to have a child with his wife, that would indicate that he has no intention of leaving her to be with you, even after all this time. If I were you, I would hope that someone would tell me to move away from MM, and find someone who truly loves me the way I love him. With or without Baby. Good Luck.
kymberann Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Betty Boop, I am not making a judgement call, but if you are hesitant now about aborting then I think you should think how this will affect the rest of your life. It is truly your choice, but remember the embryo/fetus/baby has no choice in the matter. What would you want the parent to do if you were the embryo/fetus/baby? Rememebr no judgement call, and I am trying my hardest not to impose my own personal values with this one! You aren't the first to go through this situation, you won't be the last! As for MM situation, is the R over regardless of being pregnant? You should not be concerned whether this has hurt him or not. He lied from the get go, why should it matter now? You are the one that is hurt and will hurt with either decision you make. I think at this point it is making the decision that will bring less hurt for all invloved. Especialy you. Please keep us informed and many thoughts are with you! Best.
pureinheart Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 This is a tough one!!!! I say get on knees and pray and ask GOD and JESUS CHRIST for some answer. A child is a gift from GOD (your husband nor does the wife) see how blessed you are, regardless of the situation it was concieved in. I would not get an abortion.... I will tough it out and leave the guy alone, come clean to everyone even if this break up marriages, ask for forgiveness, and raise my child. Your childern are number one right! Get your Child Support and move on. Yes it will be hard since you two have such a strong bond and you love him but who cares your childern comes first. Just thinking out the box now! Maybe it's meant for you two to be together, and this is how it's meant to be. Do what's right Have your child tell your husband and your BF tell his wife..... and go from there. HOPE THIS HELPS I totally agree....abortion isn't the answer...I had 2 abortions and almost went crazy afterwards....a friend at work looked into my eyes and said, "you have had 1 or more abortions"...she had no idea of my situation. She was a Crisis Pregancy Councelor and see the truth via my behavior.... I then went to school and became a CPC myself....did a lot of post abortion counceling....there are so many women out there really messed up behind abortion. Here's an option, adoption....I was adopted at birth....I might have been an abortion had it been legal at the time. I might not have been alive today...there would not be my daughter, my son, and my 2 grandchildren.... There should be a crisis pregnancy counceling center near you, they can really help you....I'll be praying....
Trialbyfire Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Having an abortion is your choice, your body. Forget the father, he's using you. Make it your decision and be certain about it. Having an abortion or having children affects the rest of your life. Do you value the freedom of having your life with no real responsibilities or do you value the possibility of having a child more. If you're uncertain about an abortion, keep in mind that you also have the option of having the baby and then putting it up for adoption. Don't let anyone tell you that you have to have an abortion or have to have the baby.
NoIDidn't Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 The fact that your MM decided to go through with his marriage AFTER he started seeing you is the number one indicator of where his feelings lie. He didn't even have the decency to tell you himself about his marriage, and since he is still trying to have a child with his wife, that would indicate that he has no intention of leaving her to be with you, even after all this time. I wanted to say something to this affect. It sounds like MM is pressuring you to get the abortion. Never do anything under duress. If you want the abortion, get it. If you don't, don't get it. Its not an easy decision to make. I do not speak firsthand, as I haven't had the occasion to have one. Something to ponder though: Suppose you do get the abortion and he wants to continue the A just the way it was going with no regard for what you have just experienced. Would this change your opinion of him? I think he has already lied to you in not telling you he was engaged or that he had married. I think he is pressuring you to get the abortion so that his W never has to find out that he is having an A, and having unprotected sex to boot! I think that no matter what decision you make regarding an abortion, his true colors are going to come shining through and then you will have some even tougher decisions to make. Find some time to relax and do nothing in a harried state of mind. You will need peace as you make your decision. YOUR decision.
pureinheart Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 You really are a strong woman PIH! Thanks GEL....and you are too!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 I wanted to say something to this affect. It sounds like MM is pressuring you to get the abortion. Never do anything under duress. If you want the abortion, get it. If you don't, don't get it. Its not an easy decision to make. I do not speak firsthand, as I haven't had the occasion to have one. Something to ponder though: Suppose you do get the abortion and he wants to continue the A just the way it was going with no regard for what you have just experienced. Would this change your opinion of him? I think he has already lied to you in not telling you he was engaged or that he had married. I think he is pressuring you to get the abortion so that his W never has to find out that he is having an A, and having unprotected sex to boot! I think that no matter what decision you make regarding an abortion, his true colors are going to come shining through and then you will have some even tougher decisions to make. Find some time to relax and do nothing in a harried state of mind. You will need peace as you make your decision. YOUR decision. Well said NID!
pureinheart Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 I am married but have been separated for the past 8 months. I am deaing with a married man. I have been married for 2 years and he has been married for 3. We have been together the for a little over 3 years. The "relationship" started when neither of us were married. I asked him if he considered marriage, and he lied and told me no. I got emotionally attached. I found out months later the day after he was married. A mutual friend who does not know that we have relations told me. I was crushed. I was willing to not go through with my marriage for him. I wasn't happy, but I ended up doing it anyway. I was miserable. I finally left a little over a year because the situation became abusive with my husband. Since, I moved, we have been together (the married guy and I) so much. I just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant. He has no children. I have a child from a previous relationship. I believe that his wife and him have been trying but have been unsuccessful..They have been together for over 10 years. We planned to have an abortion in 2 weeks...I thought it would be best due to the situation. Now, I am having mixed feelings. I feel really bad for what I am about to do. I have not expressed this to him. He is very hurt by this alos. I just don't know what to do.. I know this relationship was wrong from the get go. I love him, and it will crush me if I go through with this. I know that it will crush my husband (who also has no kids) and his wife if we were to go through with this. We both got married for the wrong reasons..basically because the other person wanted too..now we are here..deeply in love..w/a possible love child.. what should I do? First of all, my heart really goes out to you....yes, it is your body...and yes it is the babies body too...your baby at 8 weeks is a fully formed baby about 2 inches long....watch the movie "Silent Scream" narrated by Charlton Heston, it will answer your question.
frannie Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Try to make the decision on whether to continue the pregnancy based on YOU and what you want. I think you should disregard your (abusive) ex's feelings. As far as the MM is concerned, well he has made a mistake here, but it's not up to him to dictate whether you terminate or not. He went ahead and got married to someone else behind your back and barely years later is having unprotected sex with you? YOU are the one who has to live with this for the rest of your life. Take your time to decide, and get plenty of help and advice from others about being a single Mum, adoption, and all your choices. Concentrate on the central issue, rather than all these other relationships and influences that are confusing things. Best of luck, whatever you decide.
Author Betty boop 4 u Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 I suppose he has no intention of leaving his wife since they are trying to have a baby? He "claims" that he wants to leave. We all know how that is. I have never pressured him to do anything because I figure that he is going to do what he wants to do and be where he wants to be. I am just so tired now that I am ready to give it all up. My main concern now is with this baby. I cry everyday because I feel like I don't have the right to take an innocent child's life because I was being careless. On the other hand, I think it would be hard for me to deal with everything that would come along with this. One side of me feels like I just need to deal with whatever comes out of this situation. I am so angry with myself for even allowing myself to get in this situation. It was expressed to me awhile ago when I was still with my husband tht they were trying to conceive. I am guessing that the situation hasn't changed, they still are.
Author Betty boop 4 u Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 If you are having mixed feelings about aborting you probably shouldn't do it. You may have a lifetime of regret. I wouldn't go through with an abortion unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing to do for YOU. Is he pressuring you to abort so his wife won't find out or is he allowing you to choose what you want to do? Is he willing to take full responsibility for his part in this tough situation? It sounds like this will be where some true colors will be shown. You are separated from a husband you say was abusive so I wouldn't worry about his feelings but I assume his wife does not know about your relationship with her husband. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well. He is not pressuring me to abort. I basically said to him that it was something that I would do. He basically told me whatever I wanted to do, but I think it would be different if he knew that I was considering keeping it. His immediate family knows about the situation. I honestly don't think that he would not be there for his child if I went through with it. This is his first child, first time getting someone pregnant. No, his wife doesn't know of me...but he is always at my house..til 2-3am and sometimes stays over..It still doesn't change the fact that she is his wife, and I am just a pregnant sidepiece.
norajane Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 He "claims" that he wants to leave. We all know how that is. I have never pressured him to do anything because I figure that he is going to do what he wants to do and be where he wants to be. I am just so tired now that I am ready to give it all up. My main concern now is with this baby. I cry everyday because I feel like I don't have the right to take an innocent child's life because I was being careless. On the other hand, I think it would be hard for me to deal with everything that would come along with this. One side of me feels like I just need to deal with whatever comes out of this situation. I am so angry with myself for even allowing myself to get in this situation. It was expressed to me awhile ago when I was still with my husband tht they were trying to conceive. I am guessing that the situation hasn't changed, they still are. I'll tell you that I'm pro-choice, so you know that's where I'm coming from in my reply. I also don't believe that children are God's sacred little miracles - they are the result of having sex and pregnancy happens every day. I believe the woman bearing the child and all the responsibilities has a right to choose whether she wants to or not. I believe that a woman is more important than a clump of growing cells. You've already heard from many others who disagree with my viewpoint. Are you prepared to be a single mother with 2 children to take care of? Are you prepared financially, emotionally, mentally for the lifelong responsibility? Do you believe you can handle it? Are you prepared to have 2 children with 2 different fathers, one of whom is married to another woman and doesn't want this baby? You are the only one who can answer those questions for yourself. Just because you are angry at yourself for being careless, doesn't mean you have to have this baby as penance. You weren't careless all by yourself - he is also responsible - so you don't need to bear the weight of all the guilt. I don't think anyone should have babies out of guilt. I think the only reason anyone should have a child is if they want to be a parent. If your beliefs don't allow you to terminate the pregnancy, adoption is an excellent option. Don't let anyone pressure you into a decision, do what feels right for YOU.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 I don't think anyone should have babies out of guilt. I think the only reason anyone should have a child is if they want to be a parent. Don't let anyone pressure you into a decision, do what feels right for YOU. I agree. I have already stated that I am pro choice. I have also experienced abortion. It was absolutely the right choice for me in my situation. I have also given birth. Again, it was absolutely the right choice for me in my situation. Do what's right for you in your situation. Best wishes, you have my support in whatever you decide.
Seen_It_All Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 He "claims" that he wants to leave.. Yeah, don't they all. I'd like a Corvette but that ain't happening, either. I'm also pro-choice and would never have a MM's baby. But that's just me. We all have our boundaries. Unfortunately, there is the way things should be, and the way things are. The way things ARE is that you'll have this child alone. You'll raise it alone. You'll be the ONLY parent this child will probably ever know. He/she will also have to bear the shame of having a 'daddy' that's married to someone else. He/she will also have the stigma of feeling unwanted and unloved because if you think this guy is going to turn into Father of Year and help you raise this child, you're sadly mistaken. Most MM who end up getting their OW pregnant turn into even bigger losers than they already are for being selfish cheaters. They try to hide the pregnancy/child from their wives, and will do anything to avoid having you go to your local government and setting up state-ordered child support. They'll promise to secretly pay you child support on the side and somehow, that always tends to fizzle out - until you get pissed enough and finally have it court ordered. Then it gets REAL ugly. Then of course, there's his WIFE to consider. Do you honestly think that SHE wants to start having your kid over her house every other weekend for custody visits? Your child - a CONSTANT reminder that her husband cheated on her AND a constant reminder that she hasn't been able to have his child yet???? If this man is paying child support, he'll be entitled to some kind of custody arrangement - it's up to him and his wife as to whether they want to exercise that right. And if they DO, there's not a whole lot you can DO about it. Just remember that his WIFE will be part of that arrangement if he DOES choose to see the child. However, don't expect much from this prince in the way of doing what's right. He sounds like a lying, manipulative low life sh*it since he didn't even have the balls to tell you he got married. He's got a pretty low moral compass, so I wouldn't expect squat from this guy. If you DO go through with this, you really need to reconcile with the fact that you'll be doing it ALONE. Good luck to you.
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