Closure?

[Greensleaves]

I don't know what it is about my most recent ex that has affected me so profoundly. I've been able to walk away from other break ups (including my marriage) with a whole lot less angst than this one. And truthfully, he wasn't the greatest catch in the world. Not sure what that's all about!

 

D-Lish, that is a question I have been pondering on for quite a while, too. I guess in your other relationships you either walked first or even if not you were ready to walk because you weren' t too happy with it anymore. This time you might have just loved him too much still that you weren't ready to give up yet. I don't know. It could be an age thing after all, too. It somehow seems to be easier to walk away in your early twenties than 10, 15 etc years later.

 

My Ex wasn't the greatest catch in the world either, but I wasn't ready to give up (I am beginning 30) and I haven't had a real chance to meet for a closure and I am very sure he will never call and propose it, but if it happened I most likely would be in the same boat: kinda hoping a little if he only saw me at my best he would be smitten all over again and I would be crushed for sure if that didn't happen. I guess harbouring these thoughts however will prevent you from further healing and a real closure, so maybe it is good when it sets in. But it is damn hard for sure if you still feel so much for that person...

 

I am certain zillion of people have told you that you look gorgeous and come across like a nice person therefore you should be able to find a better and more appreciative male specimen in no time, but as long as the heart is not set free it won't help that there are enough assets in the background ...

 

Good luck, D-lish.

 

Green

[Tormented]

Just think of him naked with his EX right after he made "love" to you....don't EVER get together with him AGAIN, he has given you the CLOSURE you needed when he was screwing the EXGIRLFRIEND right after you, GROSS.

 

Wow paris...a bit brutal there, but the truth often is.

 

I have visualized this nasty little scene several times in my mind, and yes...the image was quite gross! And it never failed to incite anger, and at times, pure rage within me. Absolutely NO excuse for it under any circumstances as far as I'm concerned.

 

Like I said, once a certain boundary has been crossed over...there ain't no going back!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

But T, you have to know whats good for you and believe in yourself. 90% of the male population isbetter then this guy.

 

Ha! Got a chuckle out of this because he frequently said..."you'll never find another guy like me."

 

I certainly hope not!!!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I FINALLY worked up the nerve to call him yesterday (after dialing his number 6 times and quickly hung up). I finally convinced myself that this had to be done and the sooner the better.

 

When I did work up the guts to speak, his answering machine picked up. I left a brief message telling him I reached a decision and to please call me back.

 

Then I sat down to write a letter which proved more challenging than I expected. All these questions, all these things I need to say yet when I sat down to write them I pulled a complete blank! I didn't know where to begin.

 

I finally just wrote everything that came to mind and the next thing I know I couldn't write fast enough to keep up with my racing mind.

 

About 2 hours after I left the message, he called back. I told him that I chose to write him a letter instead and hoped that he would read it. He didn't speak for a bit and then said...."Well, I'd be lying if I said I understood because I don't." I told him that after all I've been through, the countless nights of crying and deep pain this has caused me, I just couldn't handle a face to face right now. I told him that writing a letter is the best I can do right now.

 

He said he's been in a lot of pain as well, has done his share of crying too, yet he was willing to face me so he couldn't understand I was refusing to face him. I told him that it was HIS actions that caused my pain and anger so naturally I was having a harder time with it.

 

His response? Anger, of course. He told me that I was the one who initiated the breakup, and if I hadn't left him in the first place none of this would have happened.

 

I can't say I'm surprised at his response, or shall I say...denial. Even after all this time, he STILL refuses to take responsibility for his part in the demise of our relationship.

 

I finally told him that this was getting nowhere, and if anything...it strengthened my decision to decline a meeting with him.

 

And with that...he hung up.

 

I was SO angry I couldn't even come to this board and bang my hostility out on the keyboard. I stopped writing the letter and decided to just let it go...just let the WHOLE DAMN THING GO!

 

About 20 minutes later, he called back. He apologized for "loosing it" and said he really wanted to see me and was disappointed with my decision. He said he did understand and urged me to send him the letter.

 

Although I cut the conversation short, at least it was civil. I had a good cry after hanging the phone up, wondering how things erroded to the condition our relationship did. I think, after 4.5 months, I'm STILL in shock.

 

So, back to writing the letter. I have re-written this thing so many times I've lost count. So far, it's 5 pages long and I'm STILL not done!

 

Talk about writer's cramp!

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

You know what, that actually doesn't sound too bad.

 

I am glad he chose to call you back after he overcame his first anger. It sounds as if he at least is interested in getting to know your side and receive your letter. In fact, it might be much better this way as he will have to try to come to terms with your side first and maybe he will understand finally and own up to the things he did and realise that his "evening" scores method is not getting him anywhere but in trouble.

 

It is sad, for sure. And a little tragic that one train of action can spoil everything for good. However, keep in mind that there were reasons you broke up with him before all these bad things happened. So even if he had chosen not to move borderline in, reconciliation would have been difficult at its best and would have required substantial work, especially from his side!

Admittedly you would have gone through less amount of pain, but it might have not worked out anyways ....

 

Take care, don't cry too much.

Good luck with finishing your letter.

 

XO

Green

[MagnoliaJane]

Dear T,

 

I admire you for still be willing to talk to him after he hung up. That takes a lot of courage! It also says so much about himself. He clearly positions himself in the victim role. Denying responsibility for actions often goes hand in hand with alcoholism. He seems to be a pretty messed up person. Even if he wouldn't have crossed the line in your relationship, he would still be too much to handle for you right now. The man obviously needs to work on himself and it's not going to get better in 1-2 years -that is, assuming he would be willing to look at his skeletons in the closet (which he clearly is NOT).

 

T, I really hope writing the letter will give you some peace of mind. You really can't help this man, HE has to help himself, and even if he WANTS to help himself at this moment, he still would make everybody around him collateral damage in the next couple of years.

 

Life is too short for that T... You deserve SO MUCH MORE!!!!

[D-Lish]

D-Lish, that is a question I have been pondering on for quite a while, too. I guess in your other relationships you either walked first or even if not you were ready to walk because you weren' t too happy with it anymore. This time you might have just loved him too much still that you weren't ready to give up yet. I don't know. It could be an age thing after all, too. It somehow seems to be easier to walk away in your early twenties than 10, 15 etc years later.

 

My Ex wasn't the greatest catch in the world either, but I wasn't ready to give up (I am beginning 30) and I haven't had a real chance to meet for a closure and I am very sure he will never call and propose it, but if it happened I most likely would be in the same boat: kinda hoping a little if he only saw me at my best he would be smitten all over again and I would be crushed for sure if that didn't happen. I guess harbouring these thoughts however will prevent you from further healing and a real closure, so maybe it is good when it sets in. But it is damn hard for sure if you still feel so much for that person...

 

I am certain zillion of people have told you that you look gorgeous and come across like a nice person therefore you should be able to find a better and more appreciative male specimen in no time, but as long as the heart is not set free it won't help that there are enough assets in the background ...

 

Good luck, D-lish.

 

Green

 

Thanks Green,

 

You're right. Somehow, I idealized this man and convinced myself he was the right guy for me. I do think it has a lot to do with my age.

It's that whole notion that "time is running out"...and so are my options kind of thought process.

 

I'm not open to being with anyone else right now, mostly because I'm not free of him yet. I have to work on getting him out of my system.

 

T: I hope your letter writing is coming along!

It does feel good to get things down on paper like that.

D

[paris38]

He's not worth the effort. He doesn't need to know all that. Don't give him the satisfaction that you took so much time to write him a letter. He's not worth one word of writing.

[paris38]

He's not worth the effort. He doesn't need to know all that. Don't give him the satisfaction that you took so much time to write him a letter. He's not worth one word of writing.

[Guest]

I agree with the above poster. He does not deserve your effort. Im post break up as well, and was treated poorly in my relationship. My ex tried a few pathetically veiled attempts in contacting me via phone. I never let him know that I was still hurting, just told him I didnt know what there was to talk about.

 

Thats all he gets. I gave too much for too long. And if you are wondering if this man amybe wants to get back together with you, probably on some level he does, but if he is not willing to go to hell and back several times to make this happen...f-him. I mean it. Enough of this crap of people settling for so f-ing little. I include myself here. I will NEVER settle for so little again. T posted somewhere:

 

"I'd rather be by myself in a corner with a puppet and godlfish and be happy, than to be sitting around with somebody in my house and wonder what the hell they're there for."

 

Amen. Learn to be alone. That is what I am doing. In a way, I feel lucky that I am in this position. It's hard as hell to be alone, but this is where the most learning comes. As long as I chose to remain unbitter, than I am fine with this process.

 

LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.

 

 

That felt good. Good luck!

[Tormented]

I finished the letter (all 6 pages of it) but held off sending it until last night. Yeah...I know, took me long enough. But I found myself teetering back and forth as to whether I REALLY wanted to send it.

 

A part of me argued that this letter will only serve to open a can of worms that I really don't want to deal with.

 

Another part of me felt that writing this letter will help to purge it from my system and move on.

 

I know the popular opinion here is against my writing and sending this letter, but I decided to do it for me - not him - ME.

 

I would agree with the advice of not sending it if I had written it with hope of a reconciliation. But that is not the case here. In fact, I made it crystal clear in this letter that it was truly over, that the damage done is permanent.

 

I spilled my guts about the pain his actions caused me, but the raw anger and hurt has lessened and I can now move on.

 

Whether or not he reads the entire letter is anybody's guess, but it's not important. What was important was my opportunity to say what I needed to say and nothing else. I honestly doubt he'll like the contents of this letter, but again, it wasn't about him.

 

I'm glad I wrote it. And I'm glad I sent it. I find myself with a sense of relief this morning. But I'm also a little sad...a little depressed.

 

I've entered a period of mourning now, except this time it's the type of mourning that comes from acceptance. Endings are always sad, no matter what the circumstances were. We DID have a good, solid relationship/friendship at one point, and for that, I grieve.

 

But it's over now, time to get back up on the saddle and move on.

 

This coming week should be interesting. Whether he decides to respond or not is anybody's guess. But I do believe I'm finally at the place where I can handle whatever he throws at me.

 

~T~

[Greensleaves]

Tormented, I am happy you were able to write this letter and send it off and moreover feel a sense of relief from it.

 

I guess we all have to go through the grief part at a stage and it sounds as if you had to write this letter first, spill it all out for being able to get rid of your anger and now you can enter the grief phase and accept that it is all done.

 

Hope you won't stay in it for too long.

 

Equally hope your Ex will be good about the letter and behave as decent as you did but even if he tries to open that slimy can; at least you know that you did what you deemed right and you can be proud of yourself and the way you handled everything. Something he won't be able to experience.

 

Take care

Green