Closure?

[Tormented]

If you take trash and try to mold it into something nice, it will only smell worse and take up your time.

 

Ha! I love it. So very true!

 

I can't believe he had that girl move in with him so soon afterwards, knowing how you felt about her. Ughh..he is really bad news and you definitely deserve better.

 

Unreal, isn't it? This has got to be the most hateful man I have ever encountered. Just my luck that I got involved with him! And just where the hell were MY brain cells when I fell in love with him????

 

I wish you to find that someone in the new year, just like I hope to do so. I am on NC with my ex and he left a long sweet message today but no way am I going to call him back, so you just move on and either change your phone number or else don't answer the phone when he calls or if you do, say "please don't call me" then hang up.

 

I have changed my number, so now he's calling my cell phone and even my son's place of employment. That happened yesterday. My son recognized his number on the caller ID. He just sat there while my son spoke until my son finally hung up.

 

How long have you and your ex been broken up? And how long after the breakup did he start contacting you?

 

You're smart to decline calling him back. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve. Not a good way to start out the new year, is it?

 

Here's hoping that you and I...and everybody on this board....find a mate worthy of our love, who will bring us much deserved happiness and won't abuse our love for them.

 

~T~

[Fun2BMe]

I have changed my number, so now he's calling my cell phone and even my son's place of employment. That happened yesterday. My son recognized his number on the caller ID. He just sat there while my son spoke until my son finally hung up.

 

How long have you and your ex been broken up? And how long after the breakup did he start contacting you?

 

You're smart to decline calling him back. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve. Not a good way to start out the new year, is it?

 

Here's hoping that you and I...and everybody on this board....find a mate worthy of our love, who will bring us much deserved happiness and won't abuse our love for them.

 

~T~

 

That's sad he's calling your son, especially if he is a minor, taking advantage of him and putting him in a spot where he might feel too vulnerable not to talk or take his calls. I hope he immediately hangs up or tells him to stop calling him. What a loser.

 

For me I told him I didn't want to talk to him any more via email but I was to attend a function the next day where he was going to be at with a female 'friend' who he had insisted I meet and I had no interest to meet the girl I suspected he was cheating on me with. Well, that was on the 13th of this month. As to your question how long after that he contacted me, it was immediately, and he calls every few days with long messages. If like your bf I hadn't heard from him in 4 months, regardless of whose fault the break up was, I wouldn't even be tempted to give in to see him for his own benefit, not that he cares to make you feel better, it's definitely all about him in your situation.

 

So especially on New Year's it's hard to not call back but there is no way I will. I think he is still in denial, he still sounds like I'll come around to my senses. He leaves messages and messages, telling me call or email him if I don't want to talk to him when I had already done so at the outset. It's like he's tricking me to contact him because he knows he's a smooth talker and can convince me to talk or even see him to 'sort things out'.

 

I think that would be unhealthy for me and only keep me from meeting the type of man I deserve. And I think the same goes for you. You don't have to hate someone in order to realize they're not right for you. It's hard to move on but it will pay off when you meet the right person, which you can't when you're with someone who doesn't appreciate you enough.

[Greensleaves]

Stunned? Stunned as everybody who posted here sounds as if all their Exes were a piece of sh*, as if none of them had any good feelings and motives and none of them were decent. A lot of anger, a lot of hurt.

Gosh, I must have been living in a bubble.

OK, this is going to be a long post and I am glad it is in a cyberspace because I will say the opposite thing to most...

 

First of all, yes, I would meet him, because I would give a person the chance to be heard, just as I would like to have chance the other way round. Has that hurt me before or set me in a tailspin? Yes, once, but not too badly, as contact stayed to a minimum afterwards and I continued to heal. On the contrary, I started to feel better after a while, because I could afford to take a decent route ("the high road of morals") whereas he was just confused and probably harboured and suffered from many feelings and thoughts you all pointed out: not wanting me back, but still finding out if I care etc etc etc

 

Should closure rather be at the beginning of a breakup? In theory yes, but quite often it is too early because we haven't processed it yet and most likely won't be in a position to understand the reasons anyway, because we are too occupied with our own hurt than actually trying to see the other's reasons as valid, on the contrary we will do our utmost to contradict them. In most cases we are more interested in making the other person seeing it our way than understanding their way. That only comes with time. My last Ex didn't give me many reasons and the few sounded flimsy but after some time I understood where he was coming from and yes, he was right. I would have never admitted it back then simply because I wasn't in a position to do so, to understand. Now a talk would be much more fruitful. (5 months) He like most did take the coward route as well and walked out with seemingly no care for me, because he was confused and didn't know how to handle it any better.

 

Loose/Loose situation.

I have the feeling that most of our exes can't win. If they do not try to contact us, they are heartless and don't care about us, if they do they are selfish and just want to find out whether we still care or would reconcile. Oh, I bet there are people out there that take advantage and don't care and would send you back in a tailspin any minute if it serves their purpose, however very few people are born like that. I just ask myself if it is sometimes just miscommunication and different expectations that make up for such things or if they behave badly because they know we won't forgive, we won't forget our pains, we see them as as*holes anyway. Just a thought. Might not apply to any of you who posted here, but I am very certain it applies to a lot of people out in this world.

 

Pride.

A friend of mine wrote this to me and I do think it is very wise and true:

"I can't help but wonder how many people in this world aren't together are meant to be simply because our pride wouldn't allow us to speak out, to reach out."

 

Closure: experience from the other side

When I broke up with one of my Ex, we met for one short talk but he then insisted on NC, which I respected. Whenever he contacted me, I would reply but not initiate any contact as I was told not to do so. Uh, I was guilty of quite a few things people state here: flimsy reason (not attracted anymore, there was another guy in the pipe....) and yes, I sugarcoated them because I didn't want to hurt too much and besides wasn't too sure what it was myself. Yes, I was guiltridden, but tried to be as decent as possible. So we never had a full closure. I was battling with it for sure as it overshadowed the next relationship and added if not triggered its failure. But I thought, alright, my problem, gotta deal with it myself and left it at that. Now I realize after speaking to my Ex after almost 3 years: (again he initiated contact) despite moving on to a certain extent: new girlfriend, living together, new life, he actually hasn't fully moved on either. There hasn't been a clean cut or full closure for either of us.

 

End of Story: sometimes it does take a closure or open full talk after a while to really settle all. Of course, that only works if the parties involved are honest about it. Sure if enough time passes by, these lingering feelings in the air might subside, but is it worthwhile waiting for it for years and years?

Sometimes life and moreover love and feelings are quite complicated, so people not being able to explain themselves fully doesn't necessarily mean that they are opting for an easy route out or that they are bound to lie. Sometimes they are just confused. As much as we are. Sometimes they withheld information because they don't want to hurt and not because of egotistical reasons.

 

 

Tormented, if you decide not to meet him then it should be because you feel you had enough of a closure already, that you don't want to jeopardize it and that you think you can live happily without him and without his explanations and just tell him so. Be again the decent person you have been when you walked out on him and it will gain you respect, not only his or other people's but your very own, too.

(You kinda know that, though, you don't really want the butcher's knife;) )

 

Don't let feelings like anger and the fact that he hurt you badly and therefore deserves it and that he might not have any decent motives (I doubt that by the way, he does love you after all, I know it and you know it and I think most people reading your full story kinda know it) etc taint your decision. You are better than that. You don't have to even scores, just because he does. Look where it got him.

 

Happy New Year.

Take care

Green

[jusified]

Hi T,

 

What are you looking to get out of the meeting if you go??

 

I personally don't think you need to go meet him for closure. You know what you know now, and that is he left you and ran for the hills. Meeting him might get you some answer but they are not going to help, rather cause more emotions. If you have reached a point of closure and ready to move on then don't meet him. Obviously you are not at this stage but think about how far away are you from that stage.

 

He wanted to leave so he left, so now just because he wants to meet his gonna get a meeting? Don't play by his rules.

 

You don't need him T, from what you have posted here on the forum you sound like a lovely person.

[chryssy83]

I met someone for closure once, and he was a total jerk and it left me wondering why I was ever attracted to him in the first place. It was after longer than a month, though.

 

I think meeting for closure isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I would want to wait longer so you have had a chance to establish your life without him in it and don't have all these feelings for him left inside you that might make the meeting difficult. I wouldn't meet him.

[Fun2BMe]

I think meeting for closure isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I would want to wait longer so you have had a chance to establish your life without him in it and don't have all these feelings for him left inside you that might make the meeting difficult. I wouldn't meet him.

 

If you feel you have to meet with you, do it when you are dating someone new so that he can see you have moved on and what he lost, and you will be less hurt if he rejects you once again. I personally wouldn't put myelf in that situation after the way he treated you.

[Tormented]

That's sad he's calling your son, especially if he is a minor, taking advantage of him and putting him in a spot where he might feel too vulnerable not to talk or take his calls. I hope he immediately hangs up or tells him to stop calling him. What a loser.

 

Actually, when he called he didn't say anything. My son knew it was him because he recognized the number on caller ID. I think the reason he called my son's work is because I changed my phone number and he knows I'm moving from my current residence soon because the owners are selling this house. I think he's trying to find out if we're still in this area. When he did reach me, it was on my cell phone which doesn't tell him if we've moved yet or not.

 

For me I told him I didn't want to talk to him any more via email but I was to attend a function the next day where he was going to be at with a female 'friend' who he had insisted I meet and I had no interest to meet the girl I suspected he was cheating on me with. Well, that was on the 13th of this month. As to your question how long after that he contacted me, it was immediately, and he calls every few days with long messages. If like your bf I hadn't heard from him in 4 months, regardless of whose fault the break up was, I wouldn't even be tempted to give in to see him for his own benefit, not that he cares to make you feel better, it's definitely all about him in your situation.

 

If you don't mind my asking, Fun, what happened to cause the breakup? What was the final straw that drove you to throw the towel in on this relationship?

 

So especially on New Year's it's hard to not call back but there is no way I will. I think he is still in denial, he still sounds like I'll come around to my senses. He leaves messages and messages, telling me call or email him if I don't want to talk to him when I had already done so at the outset. It's like he's tricking me to contact him because he knows he's a smooth talker and can convince me to talk or even see him to 'sort things out'.

 

If this is the case, you would think he wouldn't show up with the female "friend" whom you thought he was seeing. I mean, I would think that he'd want you to believe that he's not dating anybody - that he's pining ONLY for you. Unless, of course, he was hoping to incite you to jealousy and pursue him.

 

I think that would be unhealthy for me and only keep me from meeting the type of man I deserve. And I think the same goes for you. You don't have to hate someone in order to realize they're not right for you. It's hard to move on but it will pay off when you meet the right person, which you can't when you're with someone who doesn't appreciate you enough.

 

To be honest, Fun, I'm not really at a place to meet somebody else right now. I went out on a few dates after my breakup and if anything, it just made me miss my ex worse. You're right, though...I won't meet my idea mate as long as I hold onto my ex, and seeing him will most likely set me back.

 

I still haven't decided as to whether or not I should meet him. Thoughts just keep racing through my brain...

 

If I meet him I risk a setback and pain. Yeah, just what I need!

 

If I don't meet him, I risk kicking myself for not taking the opportunity to "settle" things between us. I don't want to find myself regretting it years down the line.

 

Oh hell...love can be such a pain in the butt sometimes!

 

~T~

[D-Lish]

I think you're already having a set back just by him making contact again.

I just responded to you in my other post.

 

Basically, I accepted beforehand that a meeting would lead to a relapse, and it did in many ways. But I did get a bit of closure from it, and ending things on a positive, rather than an angry note has stopped me from going out of my head thinking he hated me and thought of me as a horrible person.

 

Sure, now I'm briefly entertaining the idea that he might still love me, and wondering what that means. But I'm still better off leaving things as they are now, than not having had the opportunity to meet in the first place.

I would have gone through life internalizing the guilt if we hadn't met and had friendly contact.

 

A face to face meeting probably won't be easy on you T... but is the alternative an easy path? All the wondering and sadness... that's an equally unattractive path that may stick with you longer than what he's offering you now.

 

You do what sits right with you.

Chin up!

D

[Tormented]

What are you looking to get out of the meeting if you go??

 

Honestly? I'm not sure. IDEALISTICALLY...I'd like to hear why he did what he did...how he could hurt a woman he claimed to have loved "dearly"...his words. I want to know how it made him feel KNOWING he hurt me this much. I want to know if everything he told me was BS - was our entire relationship a complete sham? Not real? I want to know if he truly loved me, or did he just think he did? And finally, I want him to know what this did to me, the damage it's caused me, and the hell I've been through since. I want him to know how angry I am, and...okay, an apology would be nice. A GENUINE apology, that is. And finally, I am willing to answer any questions he has if I am able.

 

I guess I just want to walk away from this thing feeling better about it, to be freed from these chains of anger and pain. To be freed to love again.

 

I don't want my last memory of him to be on that horrible note it was on the day we broke up. I want my last memory and image of him to be more positive, to help erase the complete hatred we each had in our eyes the last time they locked.

 

Perhaps I'm asking for too much, but one can always hope.

 

 

Thank you for the encouraging words, Justified. Much appreciated!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Stunned? Stunned as everybody who posted here sounds as if all their Exes were a piece of sh*, as if none of them had any good feelings and motives and none of them were decent. A lot of anger, a lot of hurt.

Gosh, I must have been living in a bubble.

 

Oh, I think people lash out when they are angry and hurt. That's certainly true in my case, as you know. You of all people know how much this man hurt me...right down to the core of my soul. In fact, I can't remember ever feeling THIS hurt. Not even after the end of my marriage. Sometimes, Green, we use this forum as a sounding board, a way to vent hurt, hostility and anger. Me? I seem to yo-yo between sentimental emotions of love for my ex and pure rage. Sometimes the love for him is running through me when I post, and sometimes the rage takes over. Hence, the seemingly back and forth my posts often reflect. I just get so tired of being an emotional train wreck.

 

 

First of all, yes, I would meet him, because I would give a person the chance to be heard, just as I would like to have chance the other way round. Has that hurt me before or set me in a tailspin? Yes, once, but not too badly, as contact stayed to a minimum afterwards and I continued to heal. On the contrary, I started to feel better after a while, because I could afford to take a decent route ("the high road of morals") whereas he was just confused and probably harboured and suffered from many feelings and thoughts you all pointed out: not wanting me back, but still finding out if I care etc etc etc

 

Basically, this is what D-Dish was saying. She just recently met up with her ex, and although the closure she was seeking didn't develop, she walked away feeling better about the relationship. She's dealing with pain, of course, but according to her it was worth it. But that's her situation. I truly hope it would be mine if I agreed to meet him, but it's no guarantee. I guess my biggest fear is that it will do more harm than good. God only knows what will happen. Will our emotions get out of hand and more hateful things will be said? Will our hormones start jumping again? Will we find it difficult to say a final good-bye, thus leading to a reconciliation followed by another painful breakup? The problems that lead to our breakup is still there, and although it would be easy to fall into each other's arms again, it would be a mistake...quite possibly a painful mistake for us both. Or...will we end on a positive note, like D and her ex did?

 

I just don't know and that's why I'm freaking out about this.

 

Should closure rather be at the beginning of a breakup? In theory yes, but quite often it is too early because we haven't processed it yet and most likely won't be in a position to understand the reasons anyway, because we are too occupied with our own hurt than actually trying to see the other's reasons as valid, on the contrary we will do our utmost to contradict them. In most cases we are more interested in making the other person seeing it our way than understanding their way. That only comes with time. My last Ex didn't give me many reasons and the few sounded flimsy but after some time I understood where he was coming from and yes, he was right. I would have never admitted it back then simply because I wasn't in a position to do so, to understand. Now a talk would be much more fruitful. (5 months) He like most did take the coward route as well and walked out with seemingly no care for me, because he was confused and didn't know how to handle it any better.

 

Well, it's been a little over 4 months for us now. Enough time has passed where we SHOULD be able to deal with this in a civil matter. I think it's taken my ex this long to make contact because, as he stated, he thought I hated him. Well...I can understand that. Everytime he waved at me, I'd cut my eyes away from him and never once did I wave back. But I have been horribly hurt and that's hard to rebound from. But now he's made contact asking that we meet.

 

What to do....what to do??????

 

Loose/Loose situation.

I have the feeling that most of our exes can't win. If they do not try to contact us, they are heartless and don't care about us, if they do they are selfish and just want to find out whether we still care or would reconcile.

 

You know, Green, I had to chuckle when I read this because there is a lot of truth to this. Looking at it from this angle, what IS an ex to do? Is there any RIGHT approach for them? Doesn't seem so, does it? But you know, this is a question that deserves its own thread. Would be interesting to see what people would say to it.

 

 

Pride.

A friend of mine wrote this to me and I do think it is very wise and true:

"I can't help but wonder how many people in this world aren't together are meant to be simply because our pride wouldn't allow us to speak out, to reach out."

 

Wow...that's true. Your friend must have been thinking WITH her head on straight at that moment. Hmmmm...is this somebody I know??????

 

Closure: experience from the other side

When I broke up with one of my Ex, we met for one short talk but he then insisted on NC, which I respected. Whenever he contacted me, I would reply but not initiate any contact as I was told not to do so. Uh, I was guilty of quite a few things people state here: flimsy reason (not attracted anymore, there was another guy in the pipe....) and yes, I sugarcoated them because I didn't want to hurt too much and besides wasn't too sure what it was myself. Yes, I was guiltridden, but tried to be as decent as possible. So we never had a full closure.

 

Even if this is the case, that he never found me attractive or there was another woman in the wings...I'd want to hear it. If it's the truth, yes...no matter how much it hurt. I want NOTHING but the truth. And I guess I fear he won't give it to me. Or...he is but I won't believe him. God, this is SOOO maddening!

 

Now I realize after speaking to my Ex after almost 3 years: (again he initiated contact) despite moving on to a certain extent: new girlfriend, living together, new life, he actually hasn't fully moved on either. There hasn't been a clean cut or full closure for either of us.

 

Okay now....THIS is exactly what I fear. That if I don't agree to meet with him I'll find myself haunted by this years down the road. NOT a good way to live. But on the flip side, if we loose our cool during this meeting and say some hurtful things out of anger, that too could haunt me later. Like I told D - damn if I do, damn if I don't.

 

End of Story: sometimes it does take a closure or open full talk after a while to really settle all. Of course, that only works if the parties involved are honest about it. Sure if enough time passes by, these lingering feelings in the air might subside, but is it worthwhile waiting for it for years and years?

 

No, waiting in PAIN for years and years is NOT something I want to endure. I guess I'm freaking out because I want rid of the pain, or at least lessen it, but fear choosing the wrong route to take. I honestly don't want to risk more pain, or making a mistake I'll later regret.

 

I guess the bottom line here is....this is a choice I'll have to reach by myself because it's me that will have to live with it. I decided to post it here to get some opinions, to hear other's experiences when they met their exes for closure. To find out if it was worth it or not...if closure was reached, if they regretted it, or would recommend it.

 

But I guess it depends upon the circumstance. Every situation is different. For some, meeting the ex for closure is a good thing...provided both parties come to the table with NO private agendas other than to come clean and share their side of it. Otherwise, it could be a huge mistake. For others, a meeting would be a disaster in the making. What's so confusing here is I'm not sure which category a meeting with my ex will fall into. It's a tough call, for sure.

 

Sometimes life and moreover love and feelings are quite complicated, so people not being able to explain themselves fully doesn't necessarily mean that they are opting for an easy route out or that they are bound to lie. Sometimes they are just confused. As much as we are. Sometimes they withheld information because they don't want to hurt and not because of egotistical reasons.

 

True. For instance, my ex decided I hated him because I wouldn't wave back. Actually, my failure to wave back was generated by HURT rather than HATE. However, it came across to him that I hated him, and really, I can understand that. So, yes, misinterpretation does happen often, causing even more damage.

 

 

Tormented, if you decide not to meet him then it should be because you feel you had enough of a closure already, that you don't want to jeopardize it and that you think you can live happily without him and without his explanations and just tell him so. Be again the decent person you have been when you walked out on him and it will gain you respect, not only his or other people's but your very own, too.

(You kinda know that, though, you don't really want the butcher's knife;) )

 

To be honest, Green, I still haven't reached a decision as to whether I will meet with him or not. For the past few days, it's ALL I think about. It's hard to concentrate at work, hard to get to sleep (been tossing and turning all night like I did right after the breakup), in fact....doing ANYTHING else besides thinking about this is hard. I'm a mess!

 

As for the butcher's knife...I was joking, but I don't think he was when he said that to me.

 

Don't let feelings like anger and the fact that he hurt you badly and therefore deserves it and that he might not have any decent motives (I doubt that by the way, he does love you after all, I know it and you know it and I think most people reading your full story kinda know it) etc taint your decision. You are better than that. You don't have to even scores, just because he does. Look where it got him.

 

It's really not in my character to do mean things. Oh, I may think about it, but actually carrying the act out is a line I won't cross. But it sure is fun entertaining it sometimes!

 

The fact that he CAN carry out those vengeful thoughts is exactly WHY he's in the situation he is. And it's not a place I ever want to be.

 

But it is BECAUSE he can be so mean and spiteful that I broke up with him in the first place. Something he can't seem to accept or acknowledge about himself. In fact, he feels justified for doing cruel things to others that he thinks hurt him, and that bothers me a lot. I just can't see myself living with a man with this kind of mindset. Such a shame, really, because he's got so many other good qualities.

 

Happy New Year.

Take care

Green

 

Same to you, my friend!

 

Thank you so much for your insight, Green. Good advice, as always.

 

~T~

[LaughMachine]

With or with out closure. Your still will be dealt with the pain of losing them. I defiently know where your coming from with all the pain but I don't exactly know your full story. I do know that your relationship is over and the raw months of a break up are tramatic and very painful. You do rewind time and time again of what happend, and what was said for many months after the break up. But with it only being 4 months I have to give you a pat on your back. Wait till It's been a year and 5 months and even though maybe than you might not be over it but you will be far from dwelling on this person. You will be more focused on you, more focoused on either finding another man or finding new friends. I remember the pain I felt ...and looking back on it makes me go crazy in the head because I can't believe I actually went through something so tramatic to me. I don't even bring up my ex any more but things such as my anxiety or friends.

 

In time you will slowly gradually heal. I feel content with life right now and if I have any worries its defiently far from the ex. kind of....lol...Each day someone gets burned and left and goes through this pain ....and I just want to spread the word that things DO GET better. Who knows what the next chapter in your life will have in stores for you but I can tell you It's not your ex. It's probaly a hot sexy man with a huge hahaha I'm jk

[kandi]

I have kept up with your story T and you have come a might long ways!!!!!!. like myself I am still grieving over me being dumped by the love of my life. I mean I fell in love so deep ever than before. But back to your story. I feel 4 months is a good start to healing. Now as far as the unanswered question it makes no sense to go back hun. I mean this with all honesty. I feel if someone wanted to tell you why or how come they would and if they could care less they will not. The pain you endured and the lonley tearful nights would lead you to more pain if you met with him. Now ask yourself do you love him enough to pick up the pieces? if you say yes than walk away. You know how he is.

 

You know you can not change him. As much as you may want to We can't. My ex is a drinker and abuses drugs. I almost started abusing drugs with him. I was starting to change me into something bad. Now I am not saying you are but dear you know you can't make a person change unless they do it on their own. I stayed up for nights trying to answer questions about our relationship he never gave. It lead to only more pain than happiness. I am still so sad inside. I hated that he left me and I could not get answers. I shouted at the top of my lungs how much I loved that *******.

 

He did not listen. They do not listen until they want to or when they have no one at the time. I know we all hurt but also know there is someone out there who will sweep you off your feet. Not now but in time. I dont' want you to go see him. Why? because your not over him. Your not over him!!!!!!!! listen to me. You are very smart woman and you deserve someone who will not take you for granted. I know when you think of him you have a familiarity about him because you were with him. Think about this. He calls you back up after he is done having fun. Hey but also know when he is ready for more fun he will WALK AWAY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! let him and his calls go. Tell him stop calling. Tell him this. "I am moving on with my life and I wish you all the happiness. " What we had or what could have been it is over." "goodbye please do not look for me"

 

Life is to short to live with pain and heartache. We have to be strong. I want to much for my ex to call me or tell me he loves me but He will not.I have to be strong and not give in anymore. Yes I am in love with him, but we cause eachother more pain than happiness. that kind of love is unbearable. I dream of him all the time and not a day goes by that a tear or two will not fall from my eyes. I know in time THE LORD will save my heart and bring me a new love. I will not say better but a new love because every love is different. Good luck toyou baby. please do what your mind and heart say not what your heart says.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rooster_DAR]

Hey Tormented..just another reminder,

 

Be prepared for a setback if you do decide to establish another connection. As I told you, my EX came back around after 3 months N/C and did the same thing. She cried and stated how much she is as fault for evertything, said I was her true love and promised she would do whatever it takes for me to trust her again. It was all a bunch of baloney, and a few days later it was the same contradictions and confusions.

 

It hurt me all over again and set me back terribly again. I'm not saying your outcome will be the same, but everyone warned me and I did not listen.

 

Good luck Tor!

[Greensleaves]

Me? I seem to yo-yo between sentimental emotions of love for my ex and pure rage. Sometimes the love for him is running through me when I post, and sometimes the rage takes over. Hence, the seemingly back and forth my posts often reflect. I just get so tired of being an emotional train wreck.

 

That's understandable, it really is. It just sometimes reads as if the rage and anger are cumulating and growing and piling up high because everybody gets caught by it and echoes it and it multiplies beyond control and even beyong reason. It somehow scares me . OK, joking here, I am well known for my vivid fantasies and exaggerations in that department, but you might get the gist

 

The problems that lead to our breakup is still there, and although it would be easy to fall into each other's arms again, it would be a mistake...quite possibly a painful mistake for us both. Or...will we end on a positive note, like D and her ex did?

 

Yeah, difficult to predict. And a difficult choice to make.

 

Well, it's been a little over 4 months for us now. Enough time has passed where we SHOULD be able to deal with this in a civil matter. I think it's taken my ex this long to make contact because, as he stated, he thought I hated him. Well...I can understand that. Everytime he waved at me, I'd cut my eyes away from him and never once did I wave back. But I have been horribly hurt and that's hard to rebound from. But now he's made contact asking that we meet.

 

Yepp, so it is understandable that it took him some time to find enough courage to finally contact you. I don't know what he expects to get out of the situation, but I would believe that he would like to explain why he did things/his motives and given that he was caught in the momentum of things with borderline, they might not be quite as bleak as you imagined them to be. Having said that, of course there is no excuse for the train of action he followed but knowing the real reasons might help in digesting it. He does know you quite well, so even if he secretly entertains the idea of getting back together as his highest hopes, he most likely is realist enough that you won't go for it. Nobody likes to be hated, so I am assuming he would like to make sure that you don't despite the things he did.

 

 

Wow...that's true. Your friend must have been thinking WITH her head on straight at that moment. Hmmmm...is this somebody I know??????

 

[chuckle]

 

 

Okay now....THIS is exactly what I fear. That if I don't agree to meet with him I'll find myself haunted by this years down the road. NOT a good way to live. But on the flip side, if we loose our cool during this meeting and say some hurtful things out of anger, that too could haunt me later. Like I told D - damn if I do, damn if I don't.

 

Yepp. Difficult choice. If you think you can keep your cool, if you are resolved not to reconcile no matter what he has to say but just use this as a chance to get answers and clean things out, I think you are kinda safe. If you don't know for sure, uhh, well, then it could be a risky business ....

 

 

As for the butcher's knife...I was joking, but I don't think he was when he said that to me.

 

I know you were, hu if he wasn't then thank God he inflicted all upon himself. Stay away from kitchens!

 

But it is BECAUSE he can be so mean and spiteful that I broke up with him in the first place. Something he can't seem to accept or acknowledge about himself. In fact, he feels justified for doing cruel things to others that he thinks hurt him, and that bothers me a lot. I just can't see myself living with a man with this kind of mindset. Such a shame, really, because he's got so many other good qualities.

 

Good call. That for sure is not a good prerequisite. If you do decide to meet him, maybe that is something you could make him known, if you haven't done so previously...

 

Good luck with your decision.

Green

[TalkShow]

In my breakup, I received closure through some contact.

 

The breakup was initated by my ex and it wasn't civil at all. My ex was angry, blaming me for his decision to leave, etc.

 

After an e-mail where he suggested contact in the future, I had decided by then it was time to walk away. I sent my ex an e-mail saying good luck in his endeavors and that I wanted to part on good terms.

 

Then he responded, telling me there would be another e-mail For me, it was enough by that point. I realized I wanted nothing to do with my ex anymore. I blocked my ex's e-mail addy the next day.

 

It was weird because, given how soon it was, I thought it was what I wanted: to hear from my ex. It started the healing process for me.

[D-Lish]

Hi T.

 

I see you haven't made a decision on whether or not to meet yet. I think it's good you're carefully weighing the possible impact on you before doing so.

 

The dust has settled a bit for me since my meeting with the ex. I can't say that I feel great. Relapse. I knew it would happen, and thought I was prepared for it, but I guess I wasn't.

 

Unfortunately, I am quite sure I still love him. I am also pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. I think I needed to know that though- in order to start moving on. I guess in the back of my head I was hoping that if he would just see me once more that he would fall head over heels in love with me all over again. I pretended not to have those expectations- but I'm realizing now that I did.

 

I'm not back at square one- but I did take a few steps backward when I went to that meeting.

 

You'll surely have a relapse if you meet with him. But you may never be able to heal properly from the experience if you don't meet with him. I'm just saying that it might be worth taking a few steps back if it means better things for you down the road.

 

I've been down the last couple days. I want to kick myself because I let him break my heart twice. Having said that, I do feel a bit freer to move on.

 

If your ex is looking for a reconcilation, how would you handle that?

Whatever you decide to do, I know you're going to be okay.

D

[Tormented]

Hi T.

 

I see you haven't made a decision on whether or not to meet yet. I think it's good you're carefully weighing the possible impact on you before doing so.

 

He called yesterday and left a message on my cell phone asking me if I had reached a decision. It's been a week now since his initial contact requesting that we meet, and I have to say - it's been a week from hell for me, it truly has.

 

I've read all the posts here listing the pros and cons of agreeing to a "closure talk," as well as discussing it with family and friends. I have done nothing but think about this for a solid week and it's time to put it to rest.

 

I haven't call him back yet but plan to later today because I have reached a decision. After looking at this thing from every angle, I decided that a face to face meeting with him is far too risky for us both. Instead, I plan to sit down and write him a long letter.

 

My greatest fear in meeting him is that many things will be left unsaid. I fear that we will both get caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and instead of reaching closure, one of two things will happen:

 

- We will end up in a yelling match in which neither will hear the other.

 

or...

 

- Things will heat up and hormones will do the talking.

 

In either case, the purpose of this meeting will get lost and we both stand the risk of falling back to square one.

 

By writing a letter, I can focus on what I truly need to say without the distraction of his presence or actions. I have no idea how he'll react to my decision...guess I'll find out when I call him today.

 

 

Unfortunately, I am quite sure I still love him. I am also pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. I think I needed to know that though- in order to start moving on. I guess in the back of my head I was hoping that if he would just see me once more that he would fall head over heels in love with me all over again. I pretended not to have those expectations- but I'm realizing now that I did.

 

After talking about it here on this board, as well as with family and friends, I decided to take the sound advice I've been given and go into seclusion to mull it over. In other words, I had to be honest with myself. My discovery? That I am still very much in love with him, and yes, although my logical side argues that he's bad news for me, the not-so-logical side secretly hopes for a reconciliation. And as long as that side of me remains, it's too risky for me to see him.

 

My ex is the opposite of yours. He's quite communicable to the point of placing his foot in his mouth sometimes. He's also highly emotionally-charged which is why I fear a face to face with him. But the thing I fear most is the fact that he knows me so well. He has my blueprint - knows how I think, how I'll react, what makes me tick, and I fear he'll use it to his advantage. Under these circumstances, I honestly think a letter would be best. I can NOT deal with another heartache, D. I just can't...

 

 

I've been down the last couple days. I want to kick myself because I let him break my heart twice. Having said that, I do feel a bit freer to move on.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're down, D. You seem like such a wonderful person who deserves the best, to have a man who will cherish you in your life. Your ex is an IDIOT, if you don't mind my saying so. Just wait until he gets involved in another relationship and finds his "new" love doesn't compare to you. THAT'S when it'll hit him. But it will be too late then...you'll have moved on with another.

 

If your ex is looking for a reconcilation, how would you handle that?

 

This is my greatest fear, one I just can NOT face right now. I'm in a bit of a conflict with this. A part of me secretly hopes for a reconciliation, where the other part KNOWS this would be a bad thing for me.

 

There are some things that can be forgiven, and others that are not. He crossed the line to the "unforgiveable" category. And this is where my deep anger lies. What he did has severed all hope of any reconciliation. If I were to take him back, I would lose respect for myself. And it is myself that I have to live with, look at in the mirror everyday. Not to mention that I would lose the respect of family and friends for taking back a man who did what he did to me, regardless of the reason why. For months now, people who care about me have worked hard to help me pick up the pieces...including those on this board. I have spent countless days and nights crying and hurting. And he let me. The fact that he says he wanted to call me but feared my reaction, thought I hated him is no excuse to allow the woman you KNEW you hurt, whom you CLAIM to love to hurt as I have without at least TRYING to ease that pain. Instead, he moved in a slutty, borderline ex to help ease HIS pain without giving what I was going through a thought. For me, this is unforgiveable. Yes, I love him but I can never forget what he did to me.

 

So, to chance a face to face with him is just too risky at this point. Whether he'll read my entire letter or not, I don't know. But right now I'm thinking about what's best for ME, and writing a letter would be therapeutic if nothing else.

 

Now...if I can just work up the guts to call him and inform him of my decision...

 

~T~

[D-Lish]

Well T,

 

I think your decision to write a letter to your ex is a great idea.

 

I know that you realize, that by doing so~ you're going to get a response from him... and probably further requests for a meeting! Argh, does it ever end?

 

Wow, you're an insightful woman, and I admire your strength through all this. It takes a whole lot of strength to love someone, yet respect yourself enough to know you deserve better. Not everyone is capable of that rational decision.

 

Writing a letter will still provide you with closure. I think that it doesn't matter how you get it- just that it's important that you get it, regardless of the method.

 

I don't know what it is about my most recent ex that has affected me so profoundly. I've been able to walk away from other break ups (including my marriage) with a whole lot less angst than this one. And truthfully, he wasn't the greatest catch in the world. Not sure what that's all about!

 

Good luck with your phone call and letter writing endeavour.

I'm following your story!

D

[Tormented]

You do rewind time and time again of what happend, and what was said for many months after the break up. But with it only being 4 months I have to give you a pat on your back.

 

Yes indeedy...that same tape has been rewound over and over and over again in my mind to the point of disgust, for all the good it has done me!

 

But in the end, the love I have for MYSELF has won out and I won't be meeting with him. Instead, I've opted to write him a long letter.

 

I think what saves most of us from repeating the same mistake IS self-love. And depending upon the degree of love one has for oneself dictates the type of treatment we will or won't allow from others.

 

So, I guess the love I have for myself outweighs the love I have for him. And really, I think that's the way it should be for us all.

 

Keeps us safe from being mistreated...

 

~T~

[Tormented]

It hurt me all over again and set me back terribly again. I'm not saying your outcome will be the same, but everyone warned me and I did not listen.QUOTE]

 

Hey Roost...

 

I thought about your situation and the results of it. Your love for her chose to dismiss the warning of others and to listen to her. Love is a very powerful things and CAN be used against you, which, in your case, was.

 

It has nothing to do with intelligence or lack of good judgement. I've seen the brightest, most grounded people get sucked up in the name of love. Our need to feel loved is very powerful...to the point of eclipsing all else.

 

Love can be a wonderful thing and serve to enrich our lives.

 

BUT - it can also be our downfall and bring us to ruins.

 

It's a double-edged sword for sure.

 

Because I know I'm not yet strong enough to face him, I've decided to write a long letter instead for various reasons (as I explained in my response to D). I know my weaknesses, Roost, and he's definitely one of them. So why go into a war equipped with only a beebee gun? I KNOW I stand to loose.

 

I haven't called him yet with my decision, can't seem to bring myself to do it. I've dialed his number 4 times this morning and quickly hung up.

 

Geesh...

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I dont' want you to go see him. Why? because your not over him. Your not over him!!!!!!!! listen to me. You are very smart woman and you deserve someone who will not take you for granted. I know when you think of him you have a familiarity about him because you were with him. Think about this.

 

Hi kandi...

 

I've decided against meeting with him. At this point I'm not willing to risk the unavoidable pain that would follow, and no doubt linger. You're right, I do still love him, a little too much to trust my questionable strength should I face him. All logic would be thrown out the window and there I'd be..."stupid in love" which will either throw me back to square one, or worse...go back with him and have my heart shattered once again, perhaps this time permanently.

 

Nope, I won't (CAN'T) do it.

 

Judging from your post it does sound like you KNOW the pain I feel all too well. I'm so sorry you do. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worse enemy...I truly wouldn't. It's hell. Unlike other conditions of human suffering, there are no pills or quick-fixes to help ease the pain. Only time can do that, but oh - it's unbearable when you hurt this bad.

 

I agree, you can't change another. THEY have to do it for themselves, provided they acknowlege their issues. In my exe's case, he refuses to admit he's got problems, never mind actually taking steps to improve himself. So...that leaves me no choice but to walk away.

 

But God, it hurts.

 

Thank you, kandi, for your kind words and encouragement. I very much appreciate it. Lord knows I can use all the support I can get at this particular time...I'm facing a VERY difficult situation.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I don't know what he expects to get out of the situation, but I would believe that he would like to explain why he did things/his motives and given that he was caught in the momentum of things with borderline, they might not be quite as bleak as you imagined them to be. Having said that, of course there is no excuse for the train of action he followed but knowing the real reasons might help in digesting it. He does know you quite well, so even if he secretly entertains the idea of getting back together as his highest hopes, he most likely is realist enough that you won't go for it. Nobody likes to be hated, so I am assuming he would like to make sure that you don't despite the things he did.[/i]

 

Truth is, I teeter back and forth on my feelings for him. One day I love him, the next I hate him. I love him for what we WERE, what he USE to be, the man I THOUGHT I knew. But the hate kicks in when I think about how creul his actions were, how he had to have known how much pain this caused me and did NOTHING to help ease it.

 

I will say, though, that my love for him remains consistant, whereas my hate for him does not. So, I don't think I truly hate him, just very very angry at him.

 

But it is BECAUSE I still love him that I've decided to punt on his offer to meet and instead write a letter. And I will tell him in the letter exactly that...that I don't hate him but I am deeply angry and hurt.

 

And yes, you're right, there is absolutely NO excuse for what he did...none whatsoever. I understand he was hurt, I get that. But I do NOT, nor will I ever, understand how one can hurt another in the cruel way that he did, regardless of his pain or anger. Love, true love, just does not allow us to cross over certain lines no matter how much we hurt and want to lash out in return. And when he did, he pretty much sealed the demise of this relationship.

 

And when I think about that...the hate sets in.

 

 

Yepp. Difficult choice. If you think you can keep your cool, if you are resolved not to reconcile no matter what he has to say but just use this as a chance to get answers and clean things out, I think you are kinda safe. If you don't know for sure, uhh, well, then it could be a risky business ....

 

See now, that's the problem. I AM resolved to avoid reconciliation - the will is there. But my strength to resist a reconciliation is questionable at best. And if there's doubt, even if just a shread of doubt, I don't think it's wise to enter this arena. I stand to lose too much.

 

 

You know, Green...it is now 2:08 pm here and I STILL haven't called him about my decision. I've called his number 4 times and quickly hung up. Looks like it's MY turn to be the coward today!

 

I've got to call him, I know. But I dread it, I truly do.

 

~T~

[paris38]

This guy is a total LOSER. Alcoholic cheater who was screwing his his GROSS disgusting lying, cheating EX while he was lying to you. Why do you even want to have ANYTHING to DO with this complete and total, gross disgusting LOSER. OMG

Just think of him naked with his EX right after he made "love" to you....don't EVER get together with him AGAIN, he has given you the CLOSURE you needed when he was screwing the EXGIRLFRIEND right after you, GROSS.

[jusified]

Emotions and feelings are hard to control, they are part of our instinctive brain.

 

But T, you have to know whats good for you and believe in yourself. 90% of the male population isbetter then this guy.

[Greensleaves]

Truth is, I teeter back and forth on my feelings for him. One day I love him, the next I hate him. I love him for what we WERE, what he USE to be, the man I THOUGHT I knew. But the hate kicks in when I think about how creul his actions were, how he had to have known how much pain this caused me and did NOTHING to help ease it.

 

Yepp, that is not a good prerequisitive for an objective talk (assuming that is what he wants...), because this feeling will be invoked inevitably when talking through the events and yes, there is no good if you two end up shouting. So writing a letter explaining all this might be better.

Hopefully he will reply and state his reasons because then you would get all the ansers you were still looking for without running the risk to meet up with him face to face. In my experience most of the guys I wrote "explanatory" letters just achknowledged receipt but never really replied because they had no clue how I felt/how hurt I was etc etc that they were at loss with their response. But it sounds as if your Ex is rather communicative, so that shouldn't be the limiting factor...

 

Love, true love, just does not allow us to cross over certain lines no matter how much we hurt and want to lash out in return.

 

I am not too sure if there are certain lines as what you wouldn't cross if you weren't truly in love. But that is an interesting subject. This is all so much linked to our upbringing, our individual feelings. In other cultures they kill each other even if they love each other dearly if the family reputation or other honour boundaries have been crossed. To say they don't love because we can't understand it is simplifying it. However, of course I understand where you are coming from, he crossed the boundaries you set big time and you need to protect yourself which is a good thing. I have been trying to contemplate on my individual boundaries but am not too sure where I would set them. I guess that depends on the individual case, the past one shared, the efforts one makes and the amount of love for sure; which of course is the dangerous part: the more we love, the more we tend to tolerate which sometimes can work to our disadvantage or self destruction.

 

 

You know, Green...it is now 2:08 pm here and I STILL haven't called him about my decision. I've called his number 4 times and quickly hung up. Looks like it's MY turn to be the coward today!

 

I've got to call him, I know. But I dread it, I truly do.

 

Very understandable, Tormented. It is not an easy task you have in front of you. Your message will most likely hurt him quite a bit. You know that and despite your occassional anger you are a good person and do not want to hurt him. And then the turmoil of deciding and all takes its toll, too. The phone call makes it final. Uhh, I am the same when it comes to those things, even though I know it only makes it worse I have to scramble up my courage for hours and only when I reach a certain level and get sufficiently annoyed with myself; I will do it. That can take anything between 2-20 hours, depending on severity and subject.

So you are still good

 

Good luck with your phone call.

 

Green