Closure?

[Tormented]

Hey guys...most of you here know my story. A bizarre and loooong one. And like everybody here I've been huring for a very long time.

 

I think sometimes it's not our exes that we're having a hard time getting over as it is the pain they dealt us. If the ending was sudden blow or cruel, like mine, we're left with more questions than there are stars. And for months after, we play that event over and over in our head in search for answers...especially so when there has been no closure, no contact to give you a chance to ask questions. So, you're left shooting in the dark, playing all kinds of scenarios in your head, never sure if any of them come close to the truth.

 

It's been 4 months since the breakup now and I'm beginning to feel better. I can actually entertain the idea of a future WITHOUT him, whereas just a month or so I couldn't do that. And I firmly believed that the reason it's taken so long for me to heal is the unanswered questions. So many things I wanted to ask him but never got the chance. He'd call, but never said anything when I answered. I saw him on a daily basis drive by me, and although he always waved, I never did.

 

But now there has been a turn of events. He finally did work up the guts to call me and speak up. All these months I wanted this, to hear his voice, to talk to him, to ask my questions. And then when the moment presented itself, I clammed up. Didn't say anything for about 30 seconds when he called. When I finally did speak up, my tone was cold but he hung in there.

 

He did most of the talking, I said very little. He said he's been wanted to talk to me for months now but was afraid of how I'd react. He said he felt that I wanted nothing to do with him, that I hated him.

 

I told him I didn't hate him, but he hurt me badly. He asked if we could meet up and talk about what happened, that he has a lot to say to me. I hesitated to answer, then finally told him I'd get back to him on that.

 

I can't believe the emotions running through me right now. All these months, I longed for this moment and now I just don't know how I feel.

 

On one hand, I would like some questions answered. On the other hand, I ask if having my questions answered is worth the pain it may cause to see him again. I've spent 4 months healing and I don't want a set-back. Don't want to feel the pain at did at square one.

 

So, what do you guys think? Does closure help to hasten the healing process or does it cause more pain?

 

~Tormented~

[notmakingsense]

I think closure is overrated. In my experience, those "talks" don't help much at all because they just dig up the hurt and feeling that you need to argue your case or defend your position -- for both sides.

 

Just think about what his possible answers to your questions might be, and whether hearning them will really help. In some cases, not knowing the true answer may be better.

 

Also, a lot of time has passed. I would think that the talk would have been better right at the breakup, but that wasn't possible. Now I'm not so sure this will help or hinder. Just think it through before deciding.

[Tormented]

Also, a lot of time has passed. I would think that the talk would have been better right at the breakup, but that wasn't possible. Now I'm not so sure this will help or hinder. Just think it through before deciding.

 

 

Yeah, that's pretty much my thought on it right now. I just don't know what the point of it would be at this stage of the game. And I have to wonder why it took him this long to work up the nerve to contact me. I can't help but wonder what his motive is, what HIS expectations out of this "talk" is.

 

I told him I'd get back to him with an answer and right now, I'm back and forth with it.

 

~T~

[upsetnhurt]

Tormented,

 

I guess it all depends on whether you are completely over him. Are you?

[Guest]

First of all I'd like to say that you handled the situation extremely well. You hesitated and thought clearly about your answers and best of all you didn't jump at the chance to see him again but said that you'd think about it.

 

I think that it's interesting that he if finally taking reponsibility for his actions and calling back to talk. It almost makes me think that he may be feeling you out again.

 

I wouldn't call him back but if he calls you again, I wouldn't be too available and I wouldn't return his phone call right away. If he is interested in you he should have to work to get you back and it should be on your terms. If he isn't interested and just feels guilty then you don't have to sit there and take part in his pity.

[bchlvr]

Tormented--

 

I think you make a really good observation that we're sometimes getting over the lingering pain moreso than our ex him/herself.

 

I wonder if your reticence to talk with your ex is self protective at this point. Even though you have detached from him more than two months ago, the residual hurt is still very present. How could it not be? It's possible that "your need to know" has diminshed some, because you now can now imagine a future without him. Youre in a different place now and so answers to these questions may weigh less heavily on you.

 

If you have concerns about the consequences of having a conversation with your ex (that it could set you back), I would take that very seriously. Trust your instincts.

Is there really any rush at this moment to have a conversation with him about the past just because he is now willing? There's no reason why you can't wait on this until you feel more sure that what ever he has to say will not set you back.

 

It is also possible that having this talk will raise more questions than it answers. I guess closure is about (in part) knowing yourself and being able to set some limits so that you are not exposing yourself to more hurt and stress.

[JLO22]

Do what you can deal with?

 

If you can see and talk to him and still cope and move on then do so..

Or if you feel that over the phone is best then do so....

 

Just stay strong and if he want you back this is way to soon to be back with him.

 

The old saying goes if you love something you must let it go and if it comes back it means so much more...... If not then aleast you let it go?

 

Think about be strong! Don't let DRAMA of 2006 go into 2007! So think fast! Just kidding LOL!

[lovesagame]

@ Tormented

 

You have to ask yourself two questions:

 

1. What do you hope to win by getting this closure?

2. What does he hope for himself?

 

In my experience your Ex could not say anything that will help you in your situation. Sure. He may give you some reasons, but it is unlikely that this reasons make sense to you (if there are any at all).

 

After 4 month you are in a phase, where you're starting to figure out the reasons that led to the break up for yourself. By understanding this reasons you learn about yourself and in the end to forgive. This is a very important step in the coping process. Talking now to your Ex could jeopardize it.

 

All the best,

 

Edin

[demilde]

Guess it depends on what you want. if you don't want him back then maybe there is no need to a fac 2 face. However, if you still hold a candle there maybe something he wants to tell you that may lead to a reconcilliation. speculating about all that he might say isn't gonna do any good, because chances are they are not right.

[ninga317]

i agree with -notmakingsense-, any closure that you might have gotten from talking to him, would have been better for you in the beginning of the relationship, had that been possible.

 

i also think that he knows you pretty well, and he knows that the worst of your hurt and anger has subsided. whatever result he is looking for now, whether it be to set the record straight or to try to win you back, he knows he has a better chance now than he would have in the beginning. (a little bit cowardly)

 

you have to do what you think is right for you. personally, i think seeing him will set you back and stir up feelings that you have so desperately been trying to get rid of.

 

if you truly want to be over with it and move on, but still feel like you need answers, then i think that over the phone would be the best way to do it.

 

good luck. this is a hard one.

[ninga317]

i meant to say "in the beginning of the breakup". sorry just woke up:o

[Guest]

As recommended above, I did not ask him when he decided to break-up with me. He gave me typical speech; I still care about you, you are a wonderful person who deserves someone special, not me, I hope we can be still friends, it is not you, it is me, I need to be alone to find out about myself, blah blah.

 

The break-up was sudden. We had a talk about our disagreement, but no cry or screaming. It was a quiet and good conversation, at least I thought so. We kissed and I left the day. He askek me to call him when I left. I did call him, but he did not call me back for few days. I left him alone because I thought that he needed a time to think about what we discussed or so (a partial issue was that he was going through a rough time at his work. so, I did not keep calling him). Then, he suddenly told me to break-up.

 

As you said, I had billions of questions. But, he is old enough and no matter what, if he wants to be with me, he will. His job can be busy, he may still love me, he has some issues to overcome by himself, etc.. But, the bottom line, if he wants to be with me, he will as he had been before.

 

So, I did not ask any questions and took his break-up. After I gave him a rough speech that I got his bottom line and cannot be his friend, he was begging me to keep in touch and claimed that he had to do this so that he would not loose me from his life entirely and he thought that this is the best he can do at that time. I kind of believed him (correction: I wanted to believe him since what he said was better than "hey, you don't look attractive to me anymore, I found someone else"). But, I also know that there were something else bad about me that he decided to leave me. Even though he did not want to loose me entirely, he wanted to loose me as his GF.

 

Later, I had a chance to talk to him. I asked him why he broke up with me ONLY because I wanted to know to help me improve myself with my new BF. We always think that we have done the best and right thing, but the other party did not see so. He told me that he felt like I was little too much. While he still loved me and felt sad to see me go, he felt bit relieved. If I had even a bit hoping to get back to him, it would have hurt me and I probably would have defended myself, etc..

 

Your thoughts?

[Tormented]

Tormented,

 

I guess it all depends on whether you are completely over him. Are you?

 

Good question! To be honest, the answer is different depending upon what day you ask me. One day I'm feeling good...I'm moving on and over him. The next day I'm not so good...thoughts of him again flooding my brain. Although I must say that the "not so good days" are less often now.

 

So, I guess the answer to that is I'm on my way of full recovery, but not completely there yet.

 

*sigh...*

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I wonder if your reticence to talk with your ex is self protective at this point.

 

Most definitely.

 

It's possible that "your need to know" has diminshed some, because you now can now imagine a future without him. Youre in a different place now and so answers to these questions may weigh less heavily on you.

 

To a certain degree, this is true. The questions I have just don't seem as hurtful or urgent as they were in the beginning, but they're still there...just not as intense. When you're left in the dark to reach your own conclusions, that's what you do, and that's what I've done. And, of course, I asked myself if he'd be honest with his answers. Again, a no-winner.

 

If you have concerns about the consequences of having a conversation with your ex (that it could set you back), I would take that very seriously. Trust your instincts.

 

Oh....I am! To endure 4 months of pain isn't something to be taken lightly, and I'm not. I don't want to risk tossing 4 months of hard work out the window for a brief "chat" that may or may not help me. Just too much to risk. At this point, I'm leaning more on the side of declining his offer to talk.

 

Is there really any rush at this moment to have a conversation with him about the past just because he is now willing? There's no reason why you can't wait on this until you feel more sure that what ever he has to say will not set you back.

 

You know, I thought about this. Had he come to me when this first happened, or shortly after, it would have meant a lot to me. I needed to talk to him THEN, not now. He had to have known the pain I was in - what his actions did to me, yet he allowed me to stew in pain and misery without so much as peep to help me through it. And now, 4 months later HE wants to talk. Problem with that? I'm not so sure *I* want to talk now. He waited too long.

 

It is also possible that having this talk will raise more questions than it answers. I guess closure is about (in part) knowing yourself and being able to set some limits so that you are not exposing yourself to more hurt and stress.

 

Since his call to me Friday, I have walked around my house in a complete daze. And it has forced me to focus on where I'm at in all of this. And I have found that I've pretty much reached closure on my own...more so than I thought. Will I know all the answers, the complete truth? No, probably not. But I guess that's true for us all. So, the best we can do is pick up the pieces and carry on. Chalk it up to experience and go on with our life. Sure, I would love to hear what he has to say. But at what price? No, I think I'd better fold my cards and bow out rather than loose my heart again.

 

At this point, I just wish he would had let things be.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Do what you can deal with?

 

If you can see and talk to him and still cope and move on then do so..

Or if you feel that over the phone is best then do so....

 

And there's the big question....what can I deal with?

 

The truth? I don't know, and that's where the risk lies. In my mind I visualize myself handling a face-to-face with him calmly. But in reality...I just don't know. I *think* I'm much stronger than a few months ago, but do I really trust that I am? Again, I don't know. I've not been put to the test yet so I have no idea how I'll fair if I agree to see him. And the not knowing is what I fear.

 

Just stay strong and if he want you back this is way to soon to be back with him.

 

I don't think reconciliation is an option for us, not after what he's done. The anger and resent I harbor for him would remain, not to mention the trust issues I now have, so why bother going into something that I KNOW will fail even before it begins? Sometimes, the damage done is too great and it can't be repaired.

 

The old saying goes if you love something you must let it go and if it comes back it means so much more...... If not then aleast you let it go?

 

It depends upon the reason WHY that "something" comes back. A return doesn't always equate love...sometimes it's done out of selfishness or guilt - neither of which constitutes genuine love. I have no idea why he's made contact now, 4 months later, but it's just too late.

 

Think about be strong! Don't let DRAMA of 2006 go into 2007! So think fast! Just kidding LOL!

 

Ha! I said the same thing...."what a way to start out the New Year!" You're right. I've had enough drama to last me a lifetime and I certainly don't need anymore!

 

How 'bout I RUN fast! lol...

 

~T~

[Rooster_DAR]

Since his call to me Friday, I have walked around my house in a complete daze. And it has forced me to focus on where I'm at in all of this. And I have found that I've pretty much reached closure on my own...more so than I thought. Will I know all the answers, the complete truth? No, probably not. But I guess that's true for us all. So, the best we can do is pick up the pieces and carry on. Chalk it up to experience and go on with our life. Sure, I would love to hear what he has to say. But at what price? No, I think I'd better fold my cards and bow out rather than loose my heart again.

 

At this point, I just wish he would had let things be.

 

~T~

 

Hey Tor it's Roost,

 

 

The smarter side of me says that this could be a bad thing. I am in the same boat as you, it's also been 4 months for me. I cutoff contact, and I am steering clear of this. Although we like to think we have moved on enough to confront them, all this will change should you have a talk of see them. I think somehow although we have moved on some small part holds on to hope, but if that hope never translates into something we are set back once again.

 

She came around after N/C, and I'm sure she will do it again. Perhaps more time should go by before any confrontations are induced. Like the other posters stated, I'm not sure I would want to hear what they have to say, it may drive the spear in further.

 

Good luck, and happy holidays.

 

BTW...I am going to be out that way in May so I will try to touch base with you if your around.

 

Cheers!

[Tormented]

@ Tormented

 

You have to ask yourself two questions:

 

1. What do you hope to win by getting this closure?

2. What does he hope for himself?

 

I can answer the first question, but not the second.

 

What I would HOPE to gain from closure is a sense of peace, to better understand what happened and why. He holds the missing pieces so I guess my hope would be that having possession of the entire picture would somehow allow me to completely heal and move on.

 

What he would hope for himself is anybody's guess. That one I can't answer. Only he can.

 

In my experience your Ex could not say anything that will help you in your situation. Sure. He may give you some reasons, but it is unlikely that this reasons make sense to you (if there are any at all).

 

Well, there's always the question of his honesty in the answers. Would he be completely honest? Who knows...I guess it just depends upon what his agenda in all of this is. If he truly feels remorse for the pain he's caused me and wants come clean with it, then yes, I think he'd provide some honest answers. But - if his motive is to reconcile, then I think he'd "candy coat" the answers with the hope of winning me back. And in that case, the complete truth would be withheld.

 

After 4 month you are in a phase, where you're starting to figure out the reasons that led to the break up for yourself. By understanding this reasons you learn about yourself and in the end to forgive. This is a very important step in the coping process. Talking now to your Ex could jeopardize it.

 

Exactly. Again, the outcome of this depends upon his reason for requesting a meeting with me. Personally, I don't think it's worth the risk...for whatever reason. I've worked too hard to risk it now.

 

Exes...a common problem for us all.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

speculating about all that he might say isn't gonna do any good, because chances are they are not right.

 

Speculation is a killer, for sure. And I've been "speculating" for the past 4 months now and it's enough to drive you up the wall. And I guess that's WHY I contemplated a face to face with him...to ease the speculation and reach a sense of peace.

 

But at what cost? Most likely more than I care to pay.

 

~T~

[Fun2BMe]

Does closure help to hasten the healing process or does it cause more pain?

 

You are confusing opening a can of worms with closure. By seeing him, you are not only back at square 1 with the healing process, but imagine that you will be feeling even worse than the first time around. Deep down you are hoping that he will apologize, give you reasons that you will be able to explain him out of and at the very 'worst' you will walk away with HIM feeling guilty for having left you. In reality, he will not change his mind, he is seeing you not for YOU to feel better, but for him to feel better about his decision and if he currently has any guilt, so he himself will feel better about what he did. As hard as it is for you to believe this, seeing you will only reinforce his decision that he did the right thing.

 

Over time he naturally starts to miss you and seeing you he will tell himself 'oh yeah, now I remember why I dumped her' and HE will move on and leave you a basket case. I doubt he will give you the reason why he so heartlessly without explanation left you, knowing fully how that hurt you. If he does give you any reason, be assured that it will be BS since he is face to face and can't say "I'm not going to tell you." It must've been such a shallow reason (he's not attracted to you or there's a new girl or whatever) that he didn't have the guts to tell you in the first place so why do you think he is suddenly going to tell you the truth?

 

Closure is when you heal and seeing him is definitely not going to make you heal! You are already on the way to feeling better because the only thing that makes someone feel better is time and by seeing him, all of the 4 months will be thrown out the window, just so he can reinforce to himself that he did the right thing and for HIM to feel better about the situation.

---

Edit to add - Let's say hypothetically he wants you back. Will you be able to sleep at night, openly give all your love to him knowing that it is in him to leave you at any moment without notice? Is that true love? Can you allow yourself to be with such a person, or don't you have more respect for yourself? The only way you will find another person to fall in love with is if you stop loving him, and the only way to acheive that is to give yourself just a few more months. Why on earth give HIM the opportunity to talk you into getting back together in case that's what he wants, when you know you deserve much better. He is trash now. Actions speak louder than words and you need to tell yourself you deserve better.

[Tormented]

i also think that he knows you pretty well, and he knows that the worst of your hurt and anger has subsided. whatever result he is looking for now, whether it be to set the record straight or to try to win you back, he knows he has a better chance now than he would have in the beginning. (a little bit cowardly)

 

Yes, I took that into consideration, and yes, you're absolutely right - it is cowardly. What he did was horrible and he knows it, and I also know he's regretted it since the day it happened as he bombarded my phone with "silent" calls, driving by my house, and re-arranging his driving route to ensure passing by me on a daily basis. But the fact that he opted to wait this long in hope that my anger and hurt subsided enough to make approaching me easier for HIM isn't going to work because it certainly wasn't easier for ME. A fact I won't forget.

 

you have to do what you think is right for you. personally, i think seeing him will set you back and stir up feelings that you have so desperately been trying to get rid of.

 

You know, I've been stewing on this since Friday, and the more I think about it, the more I'm against meeting with him. In fact, the anger is increasing. What the hell does he expect from me? How does he expect me to feel after going through the hell I did with no help from him. And now he wants to talk??? See what I mean? I'm pissed....

 

if you truly want to be over with it and move on, but still feel like you need answers, then i think that over the phone would be the best way to do it.

 

You know what? I think I'll do as he's done....just let him hang in limbo while I take refuge in my silence. See how he likes his own medicine.

 

Grrrr....

 

~T~

[boshemia]

I was married for eight years... but same thing. There was a lot of pain involved in the marriage, and I was lost after we split. I was glad that we did because it was such a relief, but at the same time...

 

The questions drove me nuts... so many of them. I wanted answers, but he didn't have them. All I could ever get was an I don't know... I think that made it worse.

 

I don't think he has the answers that you need. No matter what he says it will just lead to more questions. It did with me... I actually found his livejournal, which lead me to the young woman he left me for. I saw their relationship build, that he was with her on my birthday, on our anniversary... they weren't really dating yet, but together. I got answers... but all I really got was more questions.

 

 

On the bright side you sound like you are well into the healing process. Your though process is very healthy from what I can tell and it might just be time to tell him that you've moved on and he should too.

 

And it occurs to me that I can probably answer one question for him.

 

Why do they come back to dig up bones just about the time you start healing. Part of it is guilt, they sometimes need to talk to you just to ease their conscience. To tell you that they cheated, or were confused or whatever... and the other part is to reassure themselves that you still care for them. They hit a bad spot in their life and need you to make them feel better...

 

Sad but true...

[Tormented]

The smarter side of me says that this could be a bad thing. I am in the same boat as you, it's also been 4 months for me. I cutoff contact, and I am steering clear of this.

 

Hey Roost...I read your story and it about broke my heart. And I also know that the outcome of your situation could very well be mine in this case. You loved her. She knew this. You took her back - and you once again got screwed. Something I am fighting against...to be screwed once again. And the smarter part of me is SCREAMING this is a bad thing.

 

Although we like to think we have moved on enough to confront them, all this will change should you have a talk of see them. I think somehow although we have moved on some small part holds on to hope, but if that hope never translates into something we are set back once again.

 

The uncertainty of my strength is where the danger lies. It's not the "seeing" him in a physical sense that frightens me because I see him on a daily basis when he drives past me. But there's a huge difference between a fleeting glimpse as they zip by, and actually sitting down - face to face - and talking about emotions. Am I strong enough to do that? I thought I was, but now.......I just don't know.

 

She came around after N/C, and I'm sure she will do it again. Perhaps more time should go by before any confrontations are induced. Like the other posters stated, I'm not sure I would want to hear what they have to say, it may drive the spear in further.

 

After reading your posts my guess is she will. Seems to be a pattern with her, and as long as she thinks you love her, she will continue to "appear." She relies on your love to get what she wants. And I can't help but wonder if that's the case with my ex.

 

The difference between your story and mine is that I'm the one who initiated the breakup for several reasons. He cried that morning while I packed, telling me I was making a mistake. I cried too, but I walked nevertheless. I had no choice...he left me no choice. But my ex is a very spiteful man. He takes pleasure in seeking revenge on those he feels hurt him. I think he did what he did to me as a way of "punishing" me for leaving him. And now, he regrets it. But he went too far, Roost, and it's too late. Regardless of his reason for doing what he did, it doesn't matter. I could never trust him again. And I know you understand what I'm saying here.

 

Good luck, and happy holidays.

 

And a Happy New Year to you as well! Hopefully, '07 will lead us to a much brighter future.

 

BTW...I am going to be out that way in May so I will try to touch base with you if your around.

 

Oh, I plan to stick around for awhile...even if I reach full recovery from my breakup. So many people helped me here, gave me the support that I honestly don't know what I would have done without. And I'm so grateful for all the support and guidance I've received. So I'd like to return what was given to me and try to help others who are struggling.

 

So, if you do come out this way in May...give me a hollar. It's beautiful country up here.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Wow, this is a powerful post, Fun, and I thank you for it.

 

 

You are confusing opening a can of worms with closure. By seeing him, you are not only back at square 1 with the healing process, but imagine that you will be feeling even worse than the first time around.

 

THIS is my greatest fear.

 

Deep down you are hoping that he will apologize, give you reasons that you will be able to explain him out of and at the very 'worst' you will walk away with HIM feeling guilty for having left you.

 

Actually, it was the other way around. I initially left him for several reasons. I left him in tears that morning, we were both in tears, but I did it respectfully and as gently as I could. We were NC for about 3 weeks when he finally broke down and called me. To make a long story short, we ended up spending the night together - yes, I know...bad move on my side - and then he promptly moved an ex girlfriend in that was always a sore topic in our relationship. When I found out it hurt me to my soul. And he knew it would. However, since the first week it happened, he continued to make "silent" calls to my house, drove by my residence, and re-arranged his trucking route to ensure driving past me on a daily basis...always waving as he passed but I never waved back.

 

My ex is a very vengeful man. He enjoys "punishing" those he feels hurt him and I think that was the case here. As I told Rooster, he took it too far and he knows it. The damage is permanent and there can never be a reconcilliation for us. Not for me, anyway. The trust has been destroyed.

 

In reality, he will not change his mind, he is seeing you not for YOU to feel better, but for him to feel better about his decision and if he currently has any guilt, so he himself will feel better about what he did. As hard as it is for you to believe this, seeing you will only reinforce his decision that he did the right thing.

 

This very well could be true. I think he does feel guilty for what he did, and yes, it very well could be that he seeks to relieve HIS guilt. But shall I do him the favor of aiding him in his guilt? No. That's HIS issue to deal with, just as he's left me to deal with my pain on my own.

 

Over time he naturally starts to miss you and seeing you he will tell himself 'oh yeah, now I remember why I dumped her' and HE will move on and leave you a basket case.

 

Well, if it was him who initially did the dumping I would agree with you here. No, that's not the case with him. He's all about vengeance, "evening the score" if you will. But in doing so, he cut off his nose to spite his face and is obviously unhappy with where his own actions has landed him in life. But perhaps you raise a valid point I hadn't thought of. Maybe he wants to see me to find "reasons" why it's a good thing we're not together so that HE can feel better about the breakup. Good point...

 

I doubt he will give you the reason why he so heartlessly without explanation left you, knowing fully how that hurt you. If he does give you any reason, be assured that it will be BS since he is face to face and can't say "I'm not going to tell you." It must've been such a shallow reason (he's not attracted to you or there's a new girl or whatever) that he didn't have the guts to tell you in the first place so why do you think he is suddenly going to tell you the truth?

 

Again, with him...it's all about vengeance. The new girl, or rather...ex g/f he moved in didn't work, fell apart almost immediately, so I've been told. But he didn't move her in for love. Nope, this is a woman he couldn't stand, actually, because when they were together (before he met me), she cheated on him whie he was at work, lied, and stoled money and other items when she left him....then married the man she was cheating with a week after she left my ex. In fact, she's still married to that man. I know my ex, and I know what he did. By moving her in...in his mind he killed 3 birds with one stone. First, he knew it would hurt me. Second, he was out to even the score with her for what she did to him and coaxed her to leave her husband and move in with him...thus destroying her marriage, then proptly kicked her out. Thirdly, he evened the score with the husband for cheating with her while she was living with him (my ex). So, he was successful in hurting those he aimed to, but now it is he who is suffering. He lost me, and he knows it. I know how crazy this all sounds, but I know his mind, how he works. And it is BECAUSE of this that I left him in the first place. I just couldn't see myself settling with a man THIS spiteful.

 

Closure is when you heal and seeing him is definitely not going to make you heal! You are already on the way to feeling better because the only thing that makes someone feel better is time and by seeing him, all of the 4 months will be thrown out the window, just so he can reinforce to himself that he did the right thing and for HIM to feel better about the situation.

 

Actually, I see him on a daily basis (he makes sure of that) and it no longer effects me as it did in the beginning. But having a face to face with him is a whole different monster because it touches upon emotions. Dangerous territory, and not one I should tread upon. I've been thinking about this long and hard, as well as reading the sound advice by those who have responded to my post, and I've decided to decline his offer to talk. You're right, it stands to do more harm than good at this point.

---

Edit to add - Let's say hypothetically he wants you back. Will you be able to sleep at night, openly give all your love to him knowing that it is in him to leave you at any moment without notice?

 

It's not that I fear he'd leave me...he's never done that before...but rather, the spiteful streak that runs through him. His need to "punish" where he sees fit is what I find disturbing. And no, I don't think that I could live with that in the long run.

 

Is that true love? Can you allow yourself to be with such a person, or don't you have more respect for yourself?

 

It's the self respect I have that led me to leave him in the first place. And what he did to me, regardless of the reason, is NOT love. Not in my world.

 

The only way you will find another person to fall in love with is if you stop loving him, and the only way to acheive that is to give yourself just a few more months. Why on earth give HIM the opportunity to talk you into getting back together in case that's what he wants, when you know you deserve much better. He is trash now. Actions speak louder than words and you need to tell yourself you deserve better.

 

Thank you SO much for this, Fun! You are absolutely spot on here. His actions DID speak loud, didn't they? And it does place him in the trash ben. And yes, I DO deserve better. Thank you for reminding me of this important fact!

 

Happy New Year, Fun.

 

~T~

[Fun2BMe]

Wow, this is a powerful post, Fun, and I thank you for it.

 

 

 

 

Thank you SO much for this, Fun! You are absolutely spot on here. His actions DID speak loud, didn't they? And it does place him in the trash ben. And yes, I DO deserve better. Thank you for reminding me of this important fact!

 

Happy New Year, Fun.

 

~T~

You're welcome. Sometimes we need others to point out the obvious for us as happens to me all the time. If you take trash and try to mold it into something nice, it will only smell worse and take up your time. I can't believe he had that girl move in with him so soon afterwards, knowing how you felt about her. Ughh..he is really bad news and you definitely deserve better. I wish you to find that someone in the new year, just like I hope to do so. I am on NC with my ex and he left a long sweet message today but no way am I going to call him back, so you just move on and either change your phone number or else don't answer the phone when he calls or if you do, say "please don't call me" then hang up.

[Tormented]

The questions drove me nuts... so many of them. I wanted answers, but he didn't have them. All I could ever get was an I don't know... I think that made it worse.

 

I think it's those questions that keep us bound to them. And the sad part? In the end, you are left as empty as you were going in. Not to mention the fact that you stand to set yourself up for another heartbreak, as well as being spoon-fed more BS.

 

I don't think he has the answers that you need.

 

Oh, with my ex...he most definitely has the answers, KNOWS why he did what he did. He does nothing without motive, without a reason behind it. One of the many reasons I left him in the first place. Should have just kept walking then.

 

No matter what he says it will just lead to more questions. It did with me... I actually found his livejournal, which lead me to the young woman he left me for. I saw their relationship build, that he was with her on my birthday, on our anniversary... they weren't really dating yet, but together. I got answers... but all I really got was more questions.

 

Ouch! That had to have hurt and I'm sorry that you had to find out that way. But isn't it sad that we have to learn the truth, from one who claimed to have loved us, no doubt, in such a harsh way? Love can sometimes be a brutal battlefield, yes?

 

 

On the bright side you sound like you are well into the healing process. Your though process is very healthy from what I can tell and it might just be time to tell him that you've moved on and he should too.

 

It's been a looooong, hard road to recovery and I'm still not completely there yet. But what I have gained I don't want to lose. It was hard to get where I am, and I don't want to lose any hard-fought ground.

 

And it occurs to me that I can probably answer one question for him.

 

Why do they come back to dig up bones just about the time you start healing. Part of it is guilt, they sometimes need to talk to you just to ease their conscience. To tell you that they cheated, or were confused or whatever... and the other part is to reassure themselves that you still care for them. They hit a bad spot in their life and need you to make them feel better...

 

Ah yes...the "ego" fix. Well, if that's what he's expecting from me then he's in for a harsh reality check because it won't be forthcoming. By his own actions, I have lost respect for him and I don't believe it can ever be regained. I remember all the times he told me while we were together that if I ever broke his heart, he'd "cut" mine out. Unreal, huh?

 

Perhaps I should fetch my butcher's knife??? lol...

 

~T~