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Oppositional College Son Slams Uncooperative Associates


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Posted

My son sets up roadblocks to my pointing out any of his faults, or suggesting areas of self-improvement.

 

So to present this idea, I need to sugar coat it, so he does not see my observations as criticism.

 

The skill of being able to get cooperation from others is important. It it also impoartant to have a strategy for dealing with those who are refusing to cooperate with your program. Slamming uncooperative people with insulting lables is usually not as effective as taking a no blame approach.

 

So my suggestion is taht my son find less blameworthy adjectives to describe those few uncooperative asociates.

Posted

What are you saying to your son that puts him on the defensive?

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Dear Western Xer,

 

Your question had been in my mind since your answer.

 

I met with my son this morning, and discussed my ideas on these issues.

 

The reason my son was hesitant to discuss the issues, in the past, I believe, was his difficulty acceptging criticism, and being in denal that badmouthing people behind their back had any repurcussions.

 

Certainly if I had had a magic spell to remove his resistance, I could have spoken to him before. But this morning he seemed to un derstand that slamming people behind their back appears weak, untrustworthy and low self-confidence.

 

My son seemed to understand that he could appear more confidant and powerful, if he was more forgiving, or gratuitous in his comments about people behind their backs.

 

I could have asked him to try writing down what he is going to say about his disappointments with others, behind their back. H could have practiced some phrases with me as his coach. Maybe next time we go out for breakfast.

 

Thansk for your poignant question.

  • Author
Posted

When my son is upset with someone, I would like to recommend that he work and developing a phrase that requests the individual to make amends.

 

Holding a grudge is childish and unproductive.

 

The Lord's Prayer is "to forgive those who tespass againt us."

 

I am suggesting the requesting amends be made, and specifying the amends apprpriate, is a more powerful psition.

 

Attonement is often overlooked. Restitution, Retribution, self-imposed restrictions, making it right, are concepts of making amends.

 

My son is guilty of holding a grudge against several people, over time.

 

So perhaps my complaint against my son's character is not so much his sometimes slamming other people, but rather in holding a grudge over time against one person or another.

 

So I have redefined the problem, but have ot generated a good approach or solution.

 

My concern is not so much for the people against whom he holds a grudge, but, for his realtions with others who become aware that he is holding a grudge, unreasnably, and failing to ask for amends. I think it makes him look weak and immature. An attitude of grattitude, for instance.

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