Greenfrog Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 I keep comparing new guys I meet to my exbf. Ive only been out of the relationship for about 3-4 months so I guess I still am healing/mourning/purging mode. Is it a prudent good thing to want a new guy to have a lot of qualities that attracted me to my ex boyfriend ? I guess there are two ways to look at it. One, a person can go overboard and romanticize the ex's attributes and then no one will ever be 'good enough'. On the other hand isn't it good to not settle for less than what really turns you on and lights you about a potential love interest ? And in fact comparing my exBF to a former flame who came back into my life has been a very good thing. The former flame turned out to be a sick twisted sexual deviant who hides it very well under a mask of sanity. I kept comparing this old flame to my ex bf and that kept me from diving into anything serious with him. So is it potentially a healthy thing to uses your exes attributes to weed/discard newcomers who come up wanting ?
notmakingsense Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 If it has been a while since your break up, and you can do your comparisions with an emotional detachment, then it is probably Ok. After all, it would be a shame if we didn't learn from our past relationships -- both the good and the bad. However, if you start dating when you are still emotional over your ex, the emotions cloud your judgement. If you are still in love with an ex, no matter how great your new suitors are, they likely won't stand up to him.
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 They are called "ex's" for a reason. It doesn't sound as if you are completely over the break up yet. Things still seem new. There will always be a certain amount of quailtes we see in others that we might have seen in ex's, but its probably not healthy to intentionally seek out people who might fit the description of an ex, unless that ex had really good quailtes, and if that were the case, they might not would be an ex. Everyone is different, if everyone were the same or had the same quailtes that would get old. Jade
JackJack Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Once you are truly over this break up, then it might be best to go forth with a new relationship. I wouldn't get to deep into another rellationship where you're feeling the need to compare. Nothing will probably measure up or be good enough to what you might have once had, and thats not really fair to someone else you are seeing.
Krying Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Greefrog, don't ever compare. That's a mistake and one I learned firsthand from my ex. She never saw me for myself, only that I was not her ex, therefore I wasn't the same. Well duh. I'm am me, I am not someone else. So don't compare. See the person for what or who they are. Everyone has good and bad qualities. Whoever you decide to have a serious relationship with, give them a chance, and don't get judgmental or critical.
FallenTree Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 I used to do the same thing - comparing all the time...but that's not the best idea, ever, because no one will ever be the same. Also, I found it really hard to moe on when I do this.
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