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Am I really going insane?


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My ex husband and I remained friends after the divorce. Sometimes I’m not sure why… we have a good relationship when we just talk like old friends. As long as the issues of money don’t come up.


He was mildly abusive during our eight year marriage, emotionally it was pure hell. He cheated on me constantly, got caught, denied it, blamed it on me and my paranoia… so she was just a friend huh? And you were naked and horizontal why? Ohhh because of my insane jealousy… got it.


And he had this wonky thing with porn… I’m an open minded gal, I enjoy sex, and suddenly we get the internet and the only time he wanted to pay attention to me was when the connection was down… I thought it would wear off, but then he discovered chat rooms… I would wake up at 4 am and realize he wasn’t in bed. Check the history the next day and were talking 5, 6, 7 hour marathons right?


I kept asking him why he was hiding it, I got experimental, I bought him porn to watch together!!! I surfed with him and he was still hiding it. Only he wasn’t really hiding it, he didn’t want to share it with me… but he didn’t really clean out the history or anything.


Then it got even worse… he either stopped coming to bed, or got up in the middle of the night. I finally did the ONLY violent thing I ever did in our eight years together… I caught him one night, I just stood and watched in shock… and then I walked over, picked up the CPU and dropped it… Then dropped it again just to be sure.


I blamed it on his ultra Christian mother, and his Dad who is John Wayne incarnate. Men don’t cry and little boys who touch themselves BURN IN HELL has got to confuse a kid. Even after we got married she called once a week to preach the sins of his father and the evils of straying too far from the Church…


So five years after we divorce we are still friends… he just got remarried and suddenly the man who has only seen the kids like twice is Mr. Dad. He decides he wants custody of the kids. Nope… I’ve raised them without him for five years, I want them to spend time with him but they are my kids too…


While they are there he makes a big deal out of their favorite movie. RENT… (for the un initiated it is an awesome modern musical based on La Boheme – Two characters are gay (with aids) two are straight (with aids) two are lesbian and two are just kind of there. WE LOVE this movie…) Him making a big deal is typical, we were raised in a small homophobic town, and this is where I am raising my kids… the closest thing we have to culture is the dairy across the road.


Their Dad grew up as one of said homophobes, and I tolerated but didn’t approve of his comments. I told him they could be watching worse, a movie that teaches tolerance, the plight of aids, and has a cool soundtrack isn’t all that bad.


So I am surfing the net tonight and remember an old screen name of his, and I wonder what the heck… I’ll see what he’s been up to. Old times sake… and I stumble across a personal ad… his details, his photo and MAN seeking MAN…



Of all of the things I expected this was not one of them. Yes he posted it himself, he had this annoying way of spelling certain words and there they were. He is not seeking a bi-man… Yes I gave him the experimental benefit of the doubt. I have a very secret but not so innocent crush on Angelina Jolie.


No he is very clear… He is looking for a gay partner. This ad has been posted VERY recently, probably right about the time he got married….



So long story but help… does this explain what he did to me? Does this explain nothing? Am I freaking hallucinating?


Strangely I’m not all that surprised… I sort of wondered a few times if he tried a little TOO hard to prove his manliness. There was that time we were in the adult bookstore and he was fascinated by the strange little ads on the board.


and at the same time… he was my best friend, he did look damned good in my nighties, and I may hate him for the hell he put me through… but I still like the guy. He knows he didn’t have to hide it from me...so who is he hiding it from?


I’m just soooo confused… I’m like HUH?


And how in the hell do I face him with a straight face again? I think his RENT argument is a bit moot at this point…


No, I’m not going to tell the kids either… it’s nothing like that. I don’t plan on telling him about catching our teenaged daughter masturbating a few weeks ago, like walking in the bathroom… ooopps ummm… We shall never speak of this again. Then sneaking a call in to the counselor, (this is normal right? And I did the right thing, right? Right???)


Damned holiday counselor wont be in until TUES!!!


I am never going to have sex again… ever… nope…


Continued in next post…


Oh yes... there's more...


Oh and then you'll figure out why I posted here.

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