A Question For The MM

[pureinheart]

Please forgive me for my bad attitude as it might show up in my wording. Am emotionally not right right now.

 

There have been some recent posts concerning the A being discovered and the W and family attacking the OW.

 

Ex-MM used to tell me, "you don't know how bad I have it"....he used to beg me to be his friend as there was no one else. I believed and knew that his situation was bad.

 

I failed to symathize as he was the one that was M and could get out if he chose to.

 

Now when I want out and get out, he has the nerve to be vindictive and there is a real good possiblity he baited his family to come after me.

 

I know he isn't the only MM like this....Can any of you tell me why? When your OW want out why are you so insistant to keep us in the triangle? Do you hate women and this is a way to get back? Is your W so abusive that you want to get her back? Why?

[lasan]

I am not a mm, ,but my best guess is, it is easier to shift the blame onto the OW than to deal with his own part in the mess.

[pureinheart]

I am not a mm, ,but my best guess is, it is easier to shift the blame onto the OW than to deal with his own part in the mess.

 

LOL Lasan! Yep another member of this forum said the same thing....

[cbl]

yap, shift the blame. guess that applies to many cases.

 

also if you are the one who wants to be out, chances are that they don't like it. some of them need to have two women in their life, to feel secure. so if things don't go well on one side, there's always the other to go to. some of them are so insecure that they need to lie to gain control and power over their women and their life.

 

can you believe the MM can also get jealous if you go out and date other guys? mine did. he thinks that i am lucky enough to get out of the situation and left him alone in the pile of mud. he thinks that if i said i love him, i should stay there with him and support him.

 

my guess is that some MMs do treat OWs like their wives. only OWs get the "going through the thin" part with the MMs but not the "bring me a ring and a fat check and being submissive" part. it's a fantasy they create and they hate us for breaking it.

 

know that your question is directed to MMs. but i see those MM who are brave enough to be here, may not be the typical MMs that most OWs have in their life. so i tried to offer my observations from the eye of OW.

 

hope by this time the drama they created in your life has ended.

[Romeo Must Die]

Did I ever tell you my nickname is... Mrs. Tyson?

 

I'm up late at night tonight *insomnia* and this is an interesting post so I hope you don't mind if I reply.

 

I was just talking to Romeo tonight about sex. We have the most perfect sex all of the time. We never have bad sex. You never saw two people who were exactly MADE for each other like we are. That's not exactly what he told the OW. He had to tell her something to get her to believe his crap that he was not getting any at home. Not that that is even a good reason to cheat, but if the reason is bad enough, it's somehow believable. The bad stuff is easier to believe. Dont ask me why.

 

I actually had OW go off on me after D day saying. "He is with me because he says you just lay there!" of course, I didn't know then about this sort of thing and I was appaled and humiliated and totally freaked out by her saying that to me. This woman I didn't even know was telling me about my sex life? Then it occured to me, and I put two and two together. I was pregnant when he started fooling around with OW, so of course I just laid there. I WAS IN MY LAST TRIMESTER YOU IDIOT!!!

 

No offence to you PIH. I just tell the story as I remember it, but Romeo wrote a book of stories to convince the OW that I was the worst mother and the worst wife ever. He told her I was an awful cook and only fed my children doritos. That I never appreciated him or cared for him. These perceived injuries just kept accumulating the longer he was in the affair.

 

Then he made up all these tragic stories that I trapped him with kids and that he never wanted them with me. We were married for 12 years, together for sixteen. It's a little too late to be sorry you married me now isnt it? Wouldn't he have at least acknowledged something before we got married if that were true? It's not like we had a shotgun wedding or anything. He asked me to marry him and he handled how we got married and where we got married. Who was invited and who wasnt. The whole shebang.

 

This is the same guy who could tell me its definately over with OW and then go back to her a month later. Then he would come back to me and act like I wouldn't find out he did that. I also wondered why he would be playing me/her like that when he had no intentions of marrying her or being serious with her. I got alot of "I'm sorry's" of course, but no definate answers. He would have put our children in harms way trying to make me believe OW was a wonderful mother when it has been discovered that she isnt.

 

I used to think he was a beautiful liar, but then I got smart and realized he was just a liar. He doesnt get away with anything with me anymore.

 

[cbl]

reading RMD's post reminded me of something that i read from a book. it bascially says "all sex are good sex; don't believe a man when they say they have bad sex at home". but still, i believe this is the most frequently used excuse for an MM to have sex with OW (sorry no offense to anyone) at least in my own case, my first MM said he did not have sex with his wife anymore and my current MM said that he couldn't get excited by his wife after he had sex with me - and god knows that i even saw a card from his wife, saying that she likes the sex then he still had to beg me to meet with him for 3 hours just for a quickie even when he's under 24 hour surveillance by his wife.

 

i know he lied to me. but i choose to believe him. and i am sure he did the same thing at home. and she believed him too.

 

sometimes truth is obvious. but as human being, we choose to ignore it. maybe MM, OW, and W, the three on the triangle, have actually more things in common than we are willing to admit.

[frannie]

Pureinheart, did you read the thread on here about Narcissism..? That might answer a few of your questions. Also, abusive people in general just don't know how to let go, or who to throw blame at for the best. Their issues become everyone else's issues.

 

But that goes for all people involved in an affair... I've read about abusive stuff from MM, BSs and OW on this board. I think affairs, being so high-stress, have the ability to bring out the absolute worst in everyone involved.

[kymberann]

It's all about power and control. In one weird way he is trying to remain in a powerful and controling position over you. While at the same time he is doing the same by getting his family involved.

You are the one that left first, he has to gain some sort of weird assed closure on his part!

Sick isn't it!!

[Romeo Must Die]

It (still) torments me to think of what he said to her about not wanting kids when I look at my babies. It's not true. He wanted them. Why does this bother me? I feel so defensive. I go over the facts. With our firstborn he and his business partner were both expecting sons and they actually had a bet who would have the biggest boy. He won.

 

It's not even about feeling trapped and not being able to do anything because Romeo had his freedom. I am the responsible one and I can't just hop on a motorcycle and leave whenever I want to, but he could. I let him do whatever he wanted - meaning - I never complained or kept him from doing his thing. I was a cool wife, I never treated him like he said I did. It was actually the other way around. If I wanted something I usually did not get it, and then there were the reminders, too. Do this RMD. Do that RMD. If Romeo did not get his way, he would pitch a fit.

 

I had such an absolute trust in him that in the beginning of the affair, when he said he was over at her house, it didn't even begin to bother me until it became a regular thing. I didnt see it as a threat until my confidence in him was completely and totally abused. And then when I'd confront him, he made me feel like I was crazy. It's not what it looks like. She's just a friend. You are a psycho RMD, I'm leaving. Then he would go over there and complain I was too controlling. Then why not just file for divorce huh? Why just pretend like you are?

 

He was over there even when he said he was somewhere else altogether. He would call her from his friends house and arrange to meet up with her, she told me that in her letter. He would park his truck in her alley so it wasnt seen from the street. He made such a huge effort to maintain the lie that he'd eventually break down because the WS/MM cant handle the duality.

 

Then there are the enablers, people who think this is the right way to go. His best friend hated women. I just never realized that he hated girls so much he would help bust up my marriage, just because he could. His mother, whose husband cheated on her actually gave him her blessing. What wasnt right for his father to do was okay for him to get away with. Why would any BW do that to another BW? I'll never understand that for as long as I live. I actually cannot stand the either of them around me anymore. I just put up with them for Romeos sake, but I keep a much closer eye on them now.

 

[GreenEyedLady]

PIH: I really agree with the other posters who said that by doing this to you, he is not having to deal with what he has done to his M...sorry it's so hard...and this is your place to vent...nobody is going to think that you have a bad attitude...

[pureinheart]

yap, shift the blame. guess that applies to many cases.

 

also if you are the one who wants to be out, chances are that they don't like it. some of them need to have two women in their life, to feel secure. so if things don't go well on one side, there's always the other to go to. some of them are so insecure that they need to lie to gain control and power over their women and their life.

 

can you believe the MM can also get jealous if you go out and date other guys? mine did. he thinks that i am lucky enough to get out of the situation and left him alone in the pile of mud. he thinks that if i said i love him, i should stay there with him and support him.

 

my guess is that some MMs do treat OWs like their wives. only OWs get the "going through the thin" part with the MMs but not the "bring me a ring and a fat check and being submissive" part. it's a fantasy they create and they hate us for breaking it.

 

know that your question is directed to MMs. but i see those MM who are brave enough to be here, may not be the typical MMs that most OWs have in their life. so i tried to offer my observations from the eye of OW.

 

hope by this time the drama they created in your life has ended.

 

cbl....you hit it, this is exactly what ex-MM did....he had his old supervisor watch me at work, told all the guys to stay the F away from me, this is what infuriated a lot of the people we worked with.

 

He did treat me like his W at times...this is what was so deceptive...

 

And yes, W/MM/OW do have more in common than what meets the eye, especially the W/OW....

 

Thank you so much cbl...((((((((hugs)))))))

[pureinheart]

Did I ever tell you my nickname is... Mrs. Tyson?

 

I'm up late at night tonight *insomnia* and this is an interesting post so I hope you don't mind if I reply.

 

I was just talking to Romeo tonight about sex. We have the most perfect sex all of the time. We never have bad sex. You never saw two people who were exactly MADE for each other like we are. That's not exactly what he told the OW. He had to tell her something to get her to believe his crap that he was not getting any at home. Not that that is even a good reason to cheat, but if the reason is bad enough, it's somehow believable. The bad stuff is easier to believe. Dont ask me why.

 

I actually had OW go off on me after D day saying. "He is with me because he says you just lay there!" of course, I didn't know then about this sort of thing and I was appaled and humiliated and totally freaked out by her saying that to me. This woman I didn't even know was telling me about my sex life? Then it occured to me, and I put two and two together. I was pregnant when he started fooling around with OW, so of course I just laid there. I WAS IN MY LAST TRIMESTER YOU IDIOT!!!

 

No offence to you PIH. I just tell the story as I remember it, but Romeo wrote a book of stories to convince the OW that I was the worst mother and the worst wife ever. He told her I was an awful cook and only fed my children doritos. That I never appreciated him or cared for him. These perceived injuries just kept accumulating the longer he was in the affair.

 

Then he made up all these tragic stories that I trapped him with kids and that he never wanted them with me. We were married for 12 years, together for sixteen. It's a little too late to be sorry you married me now isnt it? Wouldn't he have at least acknowledged something before we got married if that were true? It's not like we had a shotgun wedding or anything. He asked me to marry him and he handled how we got married and where we got married. Who was invited and who wasnt. The whole shebang.

 

 

Well hello Mrs. Tyson!!!!!! LOL

 

Wow....These guys are something, aren't they. Surprisingly enough ex-MM never talked about W much and never talked about their sex life at all. I think he knew I would not allow that. He didn't cut W down and mainly talked of feelings in general.

 

He mostly talked about the current drama in the home with the wacked kids and their escapades. He did say that him and his W never communicate, that he stays in his yard. Also when I would tell him of my distaste of this R, that is when he would say, "you don't know how bad I have it, you don't know what it's like for me". I think that was a ploy of some sort.

 

If ex-MM would have cut his W down, I would have taken no pleasure in that the way this OW did, now I understand why she is so wacked....I would have simply told him to get out if it's that bad...and did many times...I mean hey either put up or shut up!

 

These men need to make decisions and quit playing games....if ex-MM needs two women in order to be secure, well I don't play well with others, especially in this situation...he'll have to find another that is willing to play.

 

I am so glad you stood your ground and are not allowing the games, I read your previous posts and see that you have much going on. I can see you taking him back as this could be an isolated incident....although if it happens again....

 

W took ex-MM back soooo many times...he knows he can get away with it.....my prayers are with you RMD, and personally I think in your case it is an isolated incident....NEVER to happen again ((((((((hugs))))))))

[pureinheart]

Pureinheart, did you read the thread on here about Narcissism..? That might answer a few of your questions. Also, abusive people in general just don't know how to let go, or who to throw blame at for the best. Their issues become everyone else's issues.

 

But that goes for all people involved in an affair... I've read about abusive stuff from MM, BSs and OW on this board. I think affairs, being so high-stress, have the ability to bring out the absolute worst in everyone involved.

 

 

Hey Frannie...yep read it and remember the light bulbs coming on....guess I need to re-read it!

 

You are very right, this issue is intense....ex-MM/W/kids(adult kids) got what they wanted...I am totally humiliated, tried to bow out gracefully and realize all are at fault here, not just me, everyone played the destruction role. I could have totally humiliated all of them and didn't and still won't.

 

I have a real good feeling this is not over for them, it is with me, as I have hung on the cross they put me on....my dept is paid so to speak. Theirs is just beginning.

 

You know Frannie, by these last two threads, communicating the humiliation, I was hoping somehow to pull out some decency from ex-MM, realizing he is not in this forum, it is my only form of communication concerning this matter.

 

I understand today, there is no decency with people like this. It is these intense matters that show a persons true colors....ex-MM is one of them and that is ok.

 

Here again imerges my wonderful, hard-headed controlling nature....I thought I could fix him, as I thought with ex-H's....playing God. I make a pathetic God....lol

 

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

[pureinheart]

PIH: I really agree with the other posters who said that by doing this to you, he is not having to deal with what he has done to his M...sorry it's so hard...and this is your place to vent...nobody is going to think that you have a bad attitude...

 

Hey GEL ....you are a sweetheart ....ya GEL, this venting makes all of the difference....it removes that need to "get back" at anyone, and causes an ability to see things for what they really are....soon this will be a distant memory (nightmare...lol) ((((((((((hugs)))))))))!

[pureinheart]

It (still) torments me to think of what he said to her about not wanting kids when I look at my babies. It's not true. He wanted them. Why does this bother me? I feel so defensive. I go over the facts. With our firstborn he and his business partner were both expecting sons and they actually had a bet who would have the biggest boy. He won.

 

It's not even about feeling trapped and not being able to do anything because Romeo had his freedom. I am the responsible one and I can't just hop on a motorcycle and leave whenever I want to, but he could. I let him do whatever he wanted - meaning - I never complained or kept him from doing his thing. I was a cool wife, I never treated him like he said I did. It was actually the other way around. If I wanted something I usually did not get it, and then there were the reminders, too. Do this RMD. Do that RMD. If Romeo did not get his way, he would pitch a fit.

 

I had such an absolute trust in him that in the beginning of the affair, when he said he was over at her house, it didn't even begin to bother me until it became a regular thing. I didnt see it as a threat until my confidence in him was completely and totally abused. And then when I'd confront him, he made me feel like I was crazy. It's not what it looks like. She's just a friend. You are a psycho RMD, I'm leaving. Then he would go over there and complain I was too controlling. Then why not just file for divorce huh? Why just pretend like you are?

 

He was over there even when he said he was somewhere else altogether. He would call her from his friends house and arrange to meet up with her, she told me that in her letter. He would park his truck in her alley so it wasnt seen from the street. He made such a huge effort to maintain the lie that he'd eventually break down because the WS/MM cant handle the duality.

 

Then there are the enablers, people who think this is the right way to go. His best friend hated women. I just never realized that he hated girls so much he would help bust up my marriage, just because he could. His mother, whose husband cheated on her actually gave him her blessing. What wasnt right for his father to do was okay for him to get away with. Why would any BW do that to another BW? I'll never understand that for as long as I live. I actually cannot stand the either of them around me anymore. I just put up with them for Romeos sake, but I keep a much closer eye on them now.

 

 

Hey RMD....I can so relate, I was the responsible one also....the kids dad did his own thing, I was working 60+ hrs a week, taking the kids and picking them up from the babysitter....all of the chores...everything. Before knowing about the A's, my health began to fail, I was only 26 at the time. In asking him to help out more and explaining why he needed to do this....he responded with coldness and basically said FU....ok so now I end up with cervical cancer and needed a hysterectomy....

 

He left me during my recovery and my next door neighbor came over and saw me laying on the floor crying....she said "we are going out" ....we did....the guys were on me like stink on sh*t....my neighbor made it a point to let him know about that and he came home that night.

 

Then I find out about A's with two of the other neighbors....he kissed as*.

 

RMD, please be careful and please keep posting and venting....I went off the deep end after a period of time....the straw breaker was when he wanted to work over seas....I begged him not to. He did it anyway not giving a crap about me....subconsciencly I got him back by having 2 A's myself....M the second A....big mistake.

 

I am not saying by any means that you will be stupid like I was, just be careful and love yourself....you have been selfless to the family and that is a good thing....just don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of without dealing with it....

 

People will always take advantage of us, it is a fact of life....this forum, I notice is filled with givers just like us, and that is rare! Takers are a dime a dozen.

 

Ex-MM saw me coming, he is a taker....takers look for good "mommies"...lol

 

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[puddleofmud]

This thread has meant a lot to me--to see so many loving and good ladies who love themselves, their children and families, whether OW or BS, being able to share and VENT!!!

It gives me strength and I thank you!

It helps all of us whether you know it or not--just wanted to let that be said!

[pureinheart]

Oh for the record RMD....if I had just a dime for everytime a man told me I was crazy when "busting" them in something....I could pay for a luxurious cruise for the two of us ....

 

Is that the same as..."that's my story and I'm sticking to it"....bet you've heard that one more than once....

[puddleofmud]

I so tire of men who take no responsibility and choose emotional laziness via blaming all on women as "crazy bitches" when their balls are shriveling from dishonesty and self-seated manipulation!

BTW: RMD, could you pleeeease stop making me jealous of your sex life? Have some mercy, babe!

[pureinheart]

This thread has meant a lot to me--to see so many loving and good ladies who love themselves, their children and families, whether OW or BS, being able to share and VENT!!!

It gives me strength and I thank you!

It helps all of us whether you know it or not--just wanted to let that be said!

 

 

Wow....thank you Puddle....I wish we could all come together too like this...didn't expect it...

 

I really feel this next year is the saving year...many of us in here are at our ends....WE NEED SOME MIRACLES! We are gonna get them!

[BenThereDunThat]

I have a very strong feeling that 2007 is going to be a GREAT year for a lot of us!

 

We have risen above, walked away, held our heads high, and have proven ourselves to be FORMIDABLE WOMEN!

 

Love you guys!

[puddleofmud]

I have a very strong feeling that 2007 is going to be a GREAT year for a lot of us!

 

We have risen above, walked away, held our heads high, and have proven ourselves to be FORMIDABLE WOMEN!

 

Love you guys!

 

From your lips to the ears of the Universe--I hope so, sweetie, I really do and I have faith in abundance for all of us!

[pricillia]

Yeah for me I am not totally there yet... I feel that I have some more challenges to come...I hope that I can stay strong

[peacelove]

Yeah for me I am not totally there yet... I feel that I have some more challenges to come...I hope that I can stay strong

 

Pricillia, Don't say that you hope you will stay strong, say that you WILL stay strong!!

Peace

[puddleofmud]

Yeah for me I am not totally there yet... I feel that I have some more challenges to come...I hope that I can stay strong

 

We'll be here for you, seet pea!