dinerroll1066 Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Hey, I typed into yahoo that i feel like a loser and one of the threads here popped up. I guess I'll give a little background so you guys can maybe help me. I'm 20 yrs old and a recovering drug addict. As such, my life consists pretty much of work and Narcotics Anonymous meetings only. Because of this, I don't go to bars or clubs ever (drinking is a drug, for me anyway), I'm not in college right now, and I feel like I can't associate with ppl my own age anyway, since most of them do drink or use drugs recreationally. Along with already having low self-esteem, the added self-esteem drop from 7 years of active adiction has caused me to always have a low level of confidence when it comes to dating, or socializing in general. The fact is I'm a lonely, self-hating virgin, and I'm more than ready to change that. I realize I need to love myself before I can love someone else, and I'm working on it already and things seem to be getting slowly better, but it's been over a year since I've been in a relationship and i am desperate for some sort of intimate contact. I guess I should clarify that once I get into a relationship everything more or less goes fine. I'm just really bad at everything from first contact (saying hi) to first kiss. I'm not looking to get married, but I'm not looking for a 1 night stand either. I guess the advice I'm looking for is two-fold. The first is what can I do to get my confidence up specifically in the realm of dating. I mean, I am a very smart, talented, and overall cool kind of guy, I just have no idea how to communicate that to the world in an assertive way... I always end up not making any real sort of move, or I do and get the typical nice guy blowoff routine. The second piece of advice is where should i go to look for relationships as all the normal places a 20 year old guy would go are more or less off limits. Thanks in advance for any help I may get, I appreciate it as I am feeling pretty crappy about myself right now, I found a girl I thought might turn into more than friends was making out with one of my guy friends tonight.
westernxer Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Just because you don't hook up with someone doesn't mean you're a failure. Just relax and keep up the recovery effort, and find something you'd like to do with your life. Developing some type of career can help you stay clean, too. Set some goals and find a career that interests you. College and/or church are two safe places to meet chicks, but college is probably better, since you can socialize more casually, plus you can meet some smart chicks.
Pyro Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 West is right. Dude, you are only 20. You have your whole life ahaead of you. Take it one day at a time, baby steps if you will.
TheDC Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 College would be an excellent place to meet women. And it doesn't have to be in a party atmosphere like at a bar. The nice thing with school is that you can meet women in class talk to them casually about the course or what their major is etc... and get to know them socially. Plus you instantly have something in common. Other places that aren't bars that you can go to meet women are sports clubs like running clubs, or outdoor clubs, or photography... that sort of thing. I met my current GF in a running club, we would run as a group and then go for coffee after and it was great to just chill and socialize and the added bonus was the female to male ratio was like 5 to 1. I personally don't like the gym, people there seem more anti-social, and women assume that you are some sort of weight lifting goon. You'll need to experiment and find out what works for you.
Lonestar Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Try dating older women. Online dating sites are a good alternative to bars.
confucious Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 A few ideas for you (I had a similiar situation) Like Lonestar said, give the online dating sites a shot. Chat with women you find interesting, not just the good looking ones who may have NOTHING in common with you and end up just making you feel like ****. The more you date, the more comfortable you become dating - it can be awkward at times, it always is.If/when you go on dates, don't blow it out of proportion...a date is a compatability test, you want to impress her but she also has to impress YOU. The responsibility is two way - sometimes as a man it is easy to forget we have power in these situations too. Dates are not the beginning of a forever relationship - the goal is to have fun, laugh, and if things go well do it again.Don't NEED a woman/relationship - the more you try to engineer one the harder and less likely it is. There is a difference between a pro-active approach and a desperate search. You don't need a woman right now, you would just like one to care for. Know the difference.Keep up on the recovery, make little steps to changing or coming out of your shell (we all wear them) each day. Know that change and self esteem do NOT come over night - years is more often the case, but they are not wasted years on the way to an end point, they're years of growth and evolution. They can be just as exciting as the actual change itself! You'll cry, and laugh, be ashamed, and be empowered - but isn't taht what life is about??Good luck - and don't stop searching for the answers!!
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