Guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Hello, I have a problem with being able to date guys because of my past experience. I was treated like crap for about 2 years straight from a guy because I messed up all the time. I got yelled at for pretty much everything that I did wrong. I tried not messing up but for some reason when I tried harder, I messed up more. I was also verbally abused but he did say he was sorry so then I would forgive him and such but still I didn't like being talked like that which made me feel like I was worthless, unloved, and an idiot. Some of the things that I got yelled at for was things like leaving the clothes in the washer to long, dish in the sink, not telling him something right, etc... Basically I was blamed for everything that went wrong and for taking the easy way out of everything which wasn't true. I worked very hard to get where I was in terms of college and my job so I didn't see that as taking the easy way. There was nothing easy believe me. So anyhow now that I'm alone I like being able to do things and not get blamed for them. It's nice to not get yelled at for being in the shower to long or accused for taking to long to get ready when I only had like 5 mins. Really I only had 5 mins sometimes and it wasn't fair. I just can't seem to bring myself to date anyone because I will admit that sure I do mess up from time to time but I'm not perfect. I don't want to be alone forever but I don't think I can go through that again. I just don't know what to do anymore.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 You've been abused and I am telling you right now MOST relationships are not like the ones that you've experienced. MOST men are NOT abusive and treat their girlfriends like crap and make them feel bad. It's good that you're happy on your own - But it does seem you have emotional scars from your past which need to be dealt with. And you need to build back your self esteem, your confidence and self worth so IF by chance you date a guy who is rude, mean or abusive you can recognize the signs and red flags immediately and DUMP him. Would you consider therapy? Going to talk to someone about all this stuff?
Guest Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Thanks for responding, really. I guess that I don't understand why it happend. Kind of like "why me." Things were fine and then all of a sudden it was like a jeckle/hyde thing and I'm being serious. It was like nothing that I did was good but then sometimes it was. If he was in a bad mood then all he broke lose. Here's an example: I was doing wash and it was almost done. She he came in and everything was fine and she just shut it off. Ok I was fine with that because it about 5 or 6 sec.'s it would have been done. So I continued with what I was doing and took the clothes out of the dryer. I handed them to him (big mistake) and he said they were still wet. Well they were sort of but it they were still ok. To then he goes into telling me that I always take the easy way out and that I stopped it so I wouldn't have to wait. Now I did stop it but it was almost done. I couldn't even explain myself or say anything. The thing that got me was that it was ok for him to do it and not me. So if I would have just let it go then it wouldn't have turned into like this whole fight thing. Anyhow I have talked to my friends about what happend and there wasn't much that they could say except that they were glad that we broke up. Of course after that they tried getting me to date again but I just didn't feel comfortable with it. I have thought about talking with someone but I can't help to think that it was me and if I didn't mess things up then it wouldn't have been all that bad. So thats why I didn't think that therapy would help. I don't know maybe I'm just crazy.
Guest Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 You've been abused and I am telling you right now MOST relationships are not like the ones that you've experienced. MOST men are NOT abusive and treat their girlfriends like crap and make them feel bad. It's good that you're happy on your own - But it does seem you have emotional scars from your past which need to be dealt with. And you need to build back your self esteem, your confidence and self worth so IF by chance you date a guy who is rude, mean or abusive you can recognize the signs and red flags immediately and DUMP him. Would you consider therapy? Going to talk to someone about all this stuff? I think some people have paid more than the price for wanting to challenge their life, others, and society's moral code, I know that u are an adult, and you make decisions as to those with whom u associated, and the nature of those associations. I have no idea what u want to regret - i admired you
IpAncA Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 I think that you should at least try and talk with someone about this. Not all guys will be like this and I think that you need to understand that and realize that it wasn't your fault at all. It was him I'm sure of.
JCD Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 You did the right thing and next time look for someone who doesn't make mountains out of mole hills.
Grrlish Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 Darlin', go for some short-term therapy. And look at it this way: You will probably never let anyone do that to you again. If someone starts treating you that way, you WILL recognize it - based on what you're telling me - and you will nip it in the bud. Try to gain some confidence in pursuing some dates with this knowledge. Look for the warning signs of someone who is controlling/verbally abusive right off the bat. Like, on the first couple of dates. If you're not sure about those signs, do some research. Also, I don't see where you mentioned how long you've been free of this jerk. Be sure to give yourself enough time to give yourself some love and attention before getting out there. Healing takes time and it's time where you also get to really absorb the lessons from your last experience. Don't be in a rush. It will happen when you're ready. It doesn't mean that you won't be nervous the first time out but you'll feel more like going when the time is right.
Craig Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 You've been abused and I am telling you right now MOST relationships are not like the ones that you've experienced. MOST men are NOT abusive and treat their girlfriends like crap and make them feel bad. It's good that you're happy on your own - But it does seem you have emotional scars from your past which need to be dealt with. And you need to build back your self esteem, your confidence and self worth so IF by chance you date a guy who is rude, mean or abusive you can recognize the signs and red flags immediately and DUMP him. Would you consider therapy? Going to talk to someone about all this stuff? The most important thing that whichwayisup says is "IF by chance you date a guy who is rude, mean or abusive you can recognize the signs and red flags immediately and DUMP him" You quite simply have to decide what you will not put up with and then be ready mentally to immediately end all contact with anyone who abuses you. To protect yourself I'd recommend doing some reading either online or from a book about the signs of an abuser. Have a look at this thread on Red Flags... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=932454#post932454 Don't even think about fixing an abuser or getting caught in the trap where you believe that they might or can change. They don't and they won't.
Island Girl Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 It troubles me that you keep saying you "messed up" all of the time. I hope you realize the things you mentioned are small insignificant things that MOST people wouldn't catagorize as 'mistakes'. This guy was an abuser primed to make you feel small, inadequate, and 'less than' because in his mind he was insecure and had MAJOR relationship issues. Most men do not do this - the ones who do should be dumped immediately. If you dealt with this for two years he put damaged your self-esteem and you will need to work on that. Think about talking with someone who will help you put this all in perspective and regain your sense of self. You will not be so fearful of someone new once you understand what happened to you in your previous relationship. How he systematically depreciated you and made you feel inadequate. That is what abusers do. They do that consisitently until, a lot of times, there is physical violence. By then the woman thinks she "deserves" it because she should have done this or that 'better', etc. You have had some major mental damage done. It isn't your fault but I hope you seek help to repair it, learn about it, and then can recognize it so it doesn't ever happen again. When you understand and feel good about yourself again you will be able to move on to a healthy relationship and you'll know what to look for in a compatible mate. Most can't sort it all out by themselves and there is nothing wrong with speaking with a therapist who knows very well what has been done to you over the last 2 years. I hope the New Year brings resolution and hope to you.
Curmudgeon Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 You've already received some good advice. Let me just add that not all men are like that. Please don't impute the behavior of a self-centered, abusing jerk on all of us. Deal with us like the individuals we are. I know. Easier said than done. However, in time you'll hopefully come to realize that we're not all him.
ls3360 Posted January 1, 2007 Posted January 1, 2007 There has been much good advice here. I'll reiterate yet again that most guys are not like that. I will also add that I have a great female friend that I used to date. She had had a similar emotionally abusive relationship with a guy. Then we dated. Unfortunately she was so hurt and afraid from the previous relationships that she would see shadows of the past relationship in virtually everything we did. It made being together difficult for her. We had to eventually break up as a result. Anyway, my point is that although as it has been pointed out that you hopefully will be able to spot and avoid abuse early now that you've experienced it, it is possible to be overly sensitized now also. I don't know the solution, but speaking with someone might help. Time around positive nice supportive people and away from dating might help too. J.
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 There has been much good advice here. I'll reiterate yet again that most guys are not like that. Yeah that maybe true but if thats all you see then thats all you know. There are other people have I have talked to myself and they had some of the same problems that I had. I did check out that link and he did have some of those traits that were mentioned but only some of them. The one that stuck out the most was mood swings. One min he would be fine and then something would make him made and thats all it took. Then 10 mins later he would be fine, seriously. Thats why I tryed not to do the things that would set him off because when he wasn't all going nuts things were fine between us and I liked it like that. I can't seem to be able to quote anyone here but to answer some of your questions, I've been single for about a year. Also if they weren't mistakes then what were they? I guess I don't know why but I just feel so usless and not worthy of anyone. Seriously I don't. I don't mean to generalize men but there just not on my good side at the moment. I'm ok with them on a casual level but when it comes to a personally level, I just can't do it.
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 There has been much good advice here. I'll reiterate yet again that most guys are not like that. I will also add that I have a great female friend that I used to date. She had had a similar emotionally abusive relationship with a guy. Then we dated. Unfortunately she was so hurt and afraid from the previous relationships that she would see shadows of the past relationship in virtually everything we did. It made being together difficult for her. We had to eventually break up as a result. Anyway, my point is that although as it has been pointed out that you hopefully will be able to spot and avoid abuse early now that you've experienced it, it is possible to be overly sensitized now also. I don't know the solution, but speaking with someone might help. Time around positive nice supportive people and away from dating might help too. J. She must have seen some of the same things that she went through when she was with you and thats what I'm afraid of. I'm not saying that your abusive or anything but if some of the same things were happening, then what make me think that it wouldn't happen again. Even if it was the smallest thing, I don't want to relive what I went through. It even to painful to even think about it to the point of sometimes it makes me want to just sit down a cry. I just can't help to think that some of this was my fault as well.
ls3360 Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 It even to painful to even think about it to the point of sometimes it makes me want to just sit down a cry. I just can't help to think that some of this was my fault as well. It sounds like you're a good person. And that makes it seem all the more tragic that this happened to you. And yes, it really does sound like you're going through what she was going through and is still going through to a lesser, but still significant, degree. She has those same self-doubts. In addition to what I said before I'll add... My friend volunteered at an abused-woman's shelter after her emotionally abusive relationship. I think that helped with some of the self doubt. The shelter also had educational components and she definitely benefited from that. I think it really put things in to perspective at certain levels. And of course helping others is a great thing.
Guest Posted January 2, 2007 Posted January 2, 2007 It sounds like you're a good person. And that makes it seem all the more tragic that this happened to you. And yes, it really does sound like you're going through what she was going through and is still going through to a lesser, but still significant, degree. She has those same self-doubts. In addition to what I said before I'll add... My friend volunteered at an abused-woman's shelter after her emotionally abusive relationship. I think that helped with some of the self doubt. The shelter also had educational components and she definitely benefited from that. I think it really put things in to perspective at certain levels. And of course helping others is a great thing. Thanks. I like to see myself as a good person too. I just hope that one day I can get over it and move on because I'm only 23 so I don't want to be alone. Thats a really long time.
IpAncA Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I guess I don't know why but I just feel so usless and not worthy of anyone. Seriously I don't. I don't mean to generalize men but there just not on my good side at the moment. I'm ok with them on a casual level but when it comes to a personally level, I just can't do it. As least your ok with it on a causal level. Thats a good step but I think in time and since your only 23 that you be able to over come this. At least we don't have to convince you to leave the relationship so that shows that you knew that something was wrong if in fact you were the one that left. All men are not bad. You just happen to find one that has no business being in a relationship.
Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 It troubles me that you keep saying you "messed up" all of the time. Well since I've started talking about it again it did get me thinking about what went wrong and why I said I messed up all the time. Here's the reasons why and why I don't want to go thru it again. Whole laundry thing and being blamed it if didn't work/something went wrong Something wasn't in place in the car or parked right Dishes in the sink (were not allowed but he could do it) Told that everything that I say is a lie. So basically I could never get him to believe a word that I would say but sometimes he would but it sent mixed messges to me like crazy. The way that I was talked to was just horrible. I couldn't even say anything without getting interupted. I had to really think of ways to say what I wanted to in short so I could get something across. But if it was something that he wanted to hear then he wouldn't interupt. Controlled tv always. What he wanted to watch was what he wanted to and if I was watching something else he would watch it for a min. but then turn it. Bills were another thing. He would make me feel like I had to pay a lot of them and what money I was getting wasn't enough. In fact it was a joke. Sorry but he wasn't make that much either. Sorry but I can't think off hand the other ones. There's just to many and to much to remember to the point of me just being plain confused. Just thinking about it is bad enough. But you can see why I don't want to because everything and everything just was wrong and nothing that I did was right and the more I tryed the worse it made me feel. I know that I should probably talk to someone but I can't at the moment because money is tight. I even had one of my friends who I told tell me that I need to get over it and move on but I just can't. I understand what he did but at the same time I'm just confused beyond belief. Sorry to ramble on but I haven't talked really about this in a long time and it was nice to just vent about it. Thanks. .
ls3360 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 The way that I was talked to was just horrible. It sounds bad. And the guy is probably out there abusing someone else now. I know that I should probably talk to someone but I can't at the moment because money is tight. Please explore the idea of chatting with the staff of a local woman's shelter. They should have a good idea of what options you have in your area.
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