Should I have a baby with him?

[Guest]

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now. We don't have any kids. He has been wanting to start a family for about a year now.

 

The problem is, he is verbally abusive to me. Its not all the time, but some times. Not really any physical abuse, but he has pushed me maybe twice in 7 years and left bruises on me after he would grab my arm, mainly tog et my attention. I don't care to talk to or be around him when he gets like that.

 

We have had knock down drag out fights are far as screaming at each other. I try to stand my ground. He has called me names before too. He has called me things such as, a stupid b*tch, idiot, f*cking crazy, and thats just to name a few. I'm hurt. I'm not sure what to do. I have had people say, don't have kids with him till he gets his life straightend out. I would like to have a child and he would do, but sometimes I just can't see bringing a child into a situation like this. He has put pressure on my to have a child too.

 

He thinks I should stay hom and have kids. I don't mind staying home with a child. But theres a part of me that wonders if he would like for me to do this, as a control thing. Maybe he sees it as I wont leave him if I'm home tending to a baby, because I have threatned to leave before. It hasn't stopped his temper though. I think he feels if I had some money saved up I would leave. I think thats why he wants me to have a kid, so I'll be here, and he can do whatever and treat me however he want.

 

Any advice would help me.

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM. He is abusive and until he gets help for his anger issues I wouldnt' even consider getting pregnant.

 

You need to get out NOW because he isn't going to change unless he wants to.

 

Has he ever attempted going to therapy?

 

Get support from your family and friends, let them help you out of this situation.

[Guest]

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM. He is abusive and until he gets help for his anger issues I wouldnt' even consider getting pregnant.

 

You need to get out NOW because he isn't going to change unless he wants to.

 

Has he ever attempted going to therapy?

 

Get support from your family and friends, let them help you out of this situation.

 

 

Thank you for replying. I have been told by friends and family that he can change, but he has to want to change. The thing is, he doesn't see he has a problem. Well, he has admitted to it before that he knows he can be a jerk but then a few days later turn around and say he doesn't have a problem.

 

Yes he has been in therapy before a few years ago. He went to these anger management classes. He lasted there about 2 weeks, came out of it saying he was better and he didn't need those classes anymore. He went to cousneling with me before, maybe 3 times total, he wont go back anymore, he says all counselors are whackos and fakes. I really think that came from the last counselor telling him things he didn't want to hear, so he got mad.

 

He can go a few days to a few weeks to a few months and be fine. Then all of a sudden wham!, he gets this major attitude that comes from nowhere, and he starts going off and being real pissy to me.

 

He keeps telling me he loves me, he is sorry for how he treats me and wont do it no more, and he wants a baby with me. I want one to, but I think if he treats me the way he does, he might would do a child the same way. My mother told me she thought it was selfish of me to have a baby with him. It was selfish for me to bring a child into a unhealthy situation just because we wanted one.

[JackJack]

No don't have a baby with him. YOU don't even need to be with him really. I'm assuming that maybe he has shot down your self esteem by calling you names and being verbally abusive, so you probably feel you deserve to be there? Well, you don't, deserve to be there with that kind of treatment. I would look into getting out. You're worth more than what you are getting.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for replying. I have been told by friends and family that he can change, but he has to want to change. The thing is, he doesn't see he has a problem. Well, he has admitted to it before that he knows he can be a jerk but then a few days later turn around and say he doesn't have a problem.

 

You're welcome.

 

He can only change if he wants to and it looks like he isn't willing to stick with therapy long enough to make a difference. Words are one thing, but actions are another. He will be like this forever UNLESS he learns to change his behaviour, thinking patterns and learns how to control his anger properly.

 

Yes he has been in therapy before a few years ago. He went to these anger management classes. He lasted there about 2 weeks, came out of it saying he was better and he didn't need those classes anymore. He went to cousneling with me before, maybe 3 times total, he wont go back anymore, he says all counselors are whackos and fakes. I really think that came from the last counselor telling him things he didn't want to hear, so he got mad.

 

See above. He won't go back because he knows he isn't willing to change. He either has to hit rock bottom or you leave. Personallly I think you need to leave because godforbid you decide to have a baby with him it will make matters worse. Please, listen to us, your friends, your mom. We're not lying to you about him. He's messed up in the head and refuses to really see what he is doing to you.

 

He can go a few days to a few weeks to a few months and be fine. Then all of a sudden wham!, he gets this major attitude that comes from nowhere, and he starts going off and being real pissy to me.

 

Don't put up with it. By staying and allowing him to treat you like crap, you're enabling his behaviour. Next time he gets pissy with you, LEAVE.

 

He keeps telling me he loves me, he is sorry for how he treats me and wont do it no more, and he wants a baby with me. I want one to, but I think if he treats me the way he does, he might would do a child the same way. My mother told me she thought it was selfish of me to have a baby with him. It was selfish for me to bring a child into a unhealthy situation just because we wanted one.

 

He doesn't love you in a healthy way. He probably doesn't even love himself, which is why he's got anger problems, is abusive and rude.

 

Your mom is right. Having a baby is not going to change him, it will only hurt an innocent baby who deserves to have two loving parents, not a father who is abusive.

 

GET OUT NOW, please. Listen to everyone's advice.

[IpAncA]

No you shouldn't have a child with the type of relationship you are in. He'll end up doing the same thing to the children too and I'm sure you don't want that.

 

Like others said unless he wants to change and ACTUALLY does it then things will remain the same.

[Guest]

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now. We don't have any kids. He has been wanting to start a family for about a year now.

 

The problem is, he is verbally abusive to me. Its not all the time, but some times. Not really any physical abuse, but he has pushed me maybe twice in 7 years and left bruises on me after he would grab my arm, mainly tog et my attention. I don't care to talk to or be around him when he gets like that.

 

We have had knock down drag out fights are far as screaming at each other. I try to stand my ground. He has called me names before too. He has called me things such as, a stupid b*tch, idiot, f*cking crazy, and thats just to name a few. I'm hurt. I'm not sure what to do. I have had people say, don't have kids with him till he gets his life straightend out. I would like to have a child and he would do, but sometimes I just can't see bringing a child into a situation like this. He has put pressure on my to have a child too.

 

He thinks I should stay hom and have kids. I don't mind staying home with a child. But theres a part of me that wonders if he would like for me to do this, as a control thing. Maybe he sees it as I wont leave him if I'm home tending to a baby, because I have threatned to leave before. It hasn't stopped his temper though. I think he feels if I had some money saved up I would leave. I think thats why he wants me to have a kid, so I'll be here, and he can do whatever and treat me however he want.

 

Any advice would help me.

 

 

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT havea child with this man!!!!!!

 

Abusers rarely change. My sister dated one and he kept promising, with tears in his eyes, that he'd never verbally, emotionally or physically abuse her again if she JUST gave him one more chance.

 

She finally left him after he beat her so bad she ended up with a broken nose and ribs.

 

Years later, state police contacted her because they wanted her to be a witness on a jury. Apparently, this guy killed his next girlfriend in a jealous rage.

 

PLEASE do not bring children into this hell! You may think it's "only" mean words and "only" a shove here and there, but abusers can go from bad to worse over the years.

 

LEAVE HIM!

[justagirliegirl]

I think you are minimizing and justifying his abuse a bit.

 

Pushing you, grabbing you, and leaving bruises on your is physical abuse.

 

The reason why he wants you to have a baby is to trap you so you can't leave. Just think about him physically and verbally abusing your child.

 

Your family and friends don't have to live with him so they can say anything.

 

This is a great book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

[Guest]

I think you are minimizing and justifying his abuse a bit.

 

Pushing you, grabbing you, and leaving bruises on your is physical abuse.

 

The reason why he wants you to have a baby is to trap you so you can't leave. Just think about him physically and verbally abusing your child.

 

Your family and friends don't have to live with him so they can say anything.

 

This is a great book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

 

 

Thank you for the name of that book. I might check it out. I just feel so silly sometimes. I look at him and think I'm being silly, he is a good man, takes care of me etc. Its not like he is throwing me up against the walls or anything. Or bloodying up my nose. Thats how I justify it at times.

 

Then there are times I think, I deserve better, even if this is what I'm used too. I know theres no excuse for his behavior, the thing is that gets me, he knows it. He knows he acts like a jerk but doesn't do anything to try to change it. Its kind of like, haha I know I'm a jerk to you, but I'm going keep doing it because you wont go no where no way. At one point, I was really excited about trying to have a baby with him. I shared my happiness with a family member, and I said, "I'm happy we are going to try to have a baby." My family memeber said, "Why?" She said, "Why would you be happy about having a baby with a guy who calls you names?"

 

I have left before, but he would always convince me to come back. He tore my self esteem all to pieces and now i'm not sure how to get it back. Thanks so much to everyone for your advice and support.

[PandorasBox]

I agree with the others, you don't need to have a child with him. And its a good thing you don't already have one with him, because this is not a good situation.

 

I shared my happiness with a family member, and I said, "I'm happy we are going to try to have a baby." My family memeber said, "Why?" She said, "Why would you be happy about having a baby with a guy who calls you names?"

 

I agree with your family. Why would you even consider it?

[whichwayisup]

I have left before, but he would always convince me to come back. He tore my self esteem all to pieces and now i'm not sure how to get it back. Thanks so much to everyone for your advice and support.

if you truely want out, ask for help and support - Get your family involved, and go to therapy so you can start building up your confidence. This man now has shattered WHO you are and made you feel like you can't live without him. THE THING IS - YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM! And you will be okay!