midamericanman Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 OK, here's the deal. I'm in my mid-thirties and I've lost a ton of weight, we're talking about 100 pounds here and for the first time in my life I feel up to getting involved with women in a serious way. In the previous 15 years I had very little activity with the opposite sex and for the ten years preceeding 2005 I had no dates, girlfriend or anything because of the weight issue and accompaning low self esteem. Now I've got the majority of it off and have become somewhat of a gymrat. My interactions with women go fairly well, I even had one young lady buy me enough drinks last week at a bar to ensure I was too drunk for her to like me anymore. That goes to the heart of the problem. I don't know where to go to meet women, the best clubs seem to be dominated by the 21-25 set and I feel like an old geezer trolling for girls 10 years my junior. Not to mention if you're my age and never been married or have a child people wonder if theres something wrong with you, do I dare broach the issue of why I've always been single? My situation is only exacerbated by the fact that I'm a working class guy, not poor, but I don't think a Lexus is in my near future either. Women over 30 seem to be very money grubbing, I was chatting with one online for a couple of days recently and she finally got around to asking me what I did. I told her and she quickly found an excuse to log off and remove me for her friends list...nice. I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong women. I've seen how bad relationships have harmed friends. So I'd rather not just settle, I want to meet someone who truly resonates with me, someone with that 60% overlap of interests and personal philosophy but enough difference so we can discover new horizons together. Throw in the meaning of life and a winning lotto ticket and I'll be ever so thrilled.
guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 You sound like a lovely guy and there's bound to many genuine women out there who will be interested in you. Bars and the internet tend to be pretty desperate places to meet pepple. Why not ask friends, especially the wifes of married ones, if they know anyone. There will always be a woman around who is willing to match up a nice guy. Best wishes with love and lotto.
Gala Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 With everything you've achieved, it would be a shame to decide that you'd rather be alone. Dating is a challenging undertaking for anyone...but one thing I FINALLY started to understand is that there are many, many reasons one's life situation does not match one's own expectations - or someone else's. I, too, have had long periods of being alone...and I haven't had weight as a justification. I agree with the suggestion of meeting women through friends...but also keep going out. And as for the Internet, at the very least it will keep you "limbered up." Best of luck!
CaliGuy Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 OK, here's the deal. I'm in my mid-thirties and I've lost a ton of weight, we're talking about 100 pounds here and for the first time in my life I feel up to getting involved with women in a serious way. In the previous 15 years I had very little activity with the opposite sex and for the ten years preceeding 2005 I had no dates, girlfriend or anything because of the weight issue and accompaning low self esteem. Now I've got the majority of it off and have become somewhat of a gymrat. My interactions with women go fairly well, I even had one young lady buy me enough drinks last week at a bar to ensure I was too drunk for her to like me anymore. First off, CONGRATS! That is an awesome accomplishment and you should be very proud. Secondly, don't worry about having failures with women right now. You've got a ton of catching up to do as far as learning how to talk to women. I'll address that in a second. That goes to the heart of the problem. I don't know where to go to meet women, the best clubs seem to be dominated by the 21-25 set and I feel like an old geezer trolling for girls 10 years my junior. Not to mention if you're my age and never been married or have a child people wonder if theres something wrong with you, do I dare broach the issue of why I've always been single? When someone pressures you on why you're 35, never married and no kids, tell them what I do (which is the truth for me). I simply was not ready, not mature enough and did not want to commit to marriage until I felt I was ready to be a husband and a father. I also did not make any mistakes and don't feel I should be "villified" for not making the same mistakes others have made. If someone bashes me for being 37, single and no kids, they're clueless. I could have been married several times but I just was not ready and I did not want the responsibility. For you, your situation is a bit different but you too didn't jump into a relationship with the wrong woman and create a child that would have ended up in a broken home. I grew up in one and I did not like it and I will NOT subject my kids to that same atmosphere. My situation is only exacerbated by the fact that I'm a working class guy, not poor, but I don't think a Lexus is in my near future either. Women over 30 seem to be very money grubbing, I was chatting with one online for a couple of days recently and she finally got around to asking me what I did. I told her and she quickly found an excuse to log off and remove me for her friends list...nice. Have you really lost anything here? You know that she's materialistic and that's not the right woman for you. There are many women out there who don't care about what you do or how much you make, as long as you are a hard working family man. Find those kind of women. Life isn't about owning a Lexus. You won't be taking any of your possessions with you when you leave this planet. I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong women. "Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable" - AMEN I've seen how bad relationships have harmed friends. So I'd rather not just settle, I want to meet someone who truly resonates with me, someone with that 60% overlap of interests and personal philosophy but enough difference so we can discover new horizons together. Throw in the meaning of life and a winning lotto ticket and I'll be ever so thrilled. Well I know the meaning of life and I can share it with ya sometime if you want However, what you need to do is meet and go out with a LOT of women. Talk to every woman you can. Out in town, in the grocery store, at the gas station, etc. You need to practice talking to women and being comfortable around them. It takes time but you can do it. Normally I don't suggest reading David DeAngleo's stuff but in your case it might not be a bad idea. It's really a crash course in how to overcome your insecurities and learn to talk to women. Don't pay attention to any cheap lines you hear and focus in on the confidence and self-esteem issues. Also, try reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover as I think his approach to confidence and being a "man" in the relationship are dead on. Cheers and good luck. You have accomplished a lot in a very short time.
Lights Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Congratulations on your achievements; they are quite important and significant. A lot of people in similar situations don't ever lose that kind of weight. No need to worry about women who rely on men to support their materialism or fuel their materialistic identities. I'm guessing from your post that you're already wise enough to deal with such things. I cannot advise you, but I do wish you good luck in your future endeavors. My interactions with women go fairly well, I even had one young lady buy me enough drinks last week at a bar to ensure I was too drunk for her to like me anymore. By the way, as far as this goes, do tell how it was done: I would love to know. I've yet to even have one woman in a nightlife environment even strike up a friendly conversation, let alone offer to buy me a drink (which I wouldn't have any use for anyways, but still).
Green Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 U should have dated girls when you weighed 100 more pounds than you do now so you definetly have some kind of self esteem issue. its good that you feel more attractive. I say dont wory about being the old guy with younger girls you find attractive, dont apologize for not being rich with girls who turn you down because of your job, and just keep putting yourself out there and flirting with girls you like and trying to get things started if thats what you want. also dont be to picky about the whole am i 60% compatible thing and just go out on dates with girls that interest you for what ever the reason.
orangehose Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 People have thrown in some great advice already. I'm female and wanted to echo the sentiment that not all women (old or young) are money-grubbing. Also wanted to echo that bars are not a great place for chatting and getting to know people... Maybe join some clubs in things that you're interested in - that's what I'm thinking of doing.
jobaba Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Move to NYC, SF, Miami, LA, etc... In these places, being mid-30s and unmarried is the norm. I have heard that in the midwest and southeast, it would make you somewhat of a novelty. Also, in these places, there are many more women in their mid-20s willing to date someone 10 years their senior (or 20, or 30!). I've seen it.
Author midamericanman Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks to the people who jumped in to reply to my thread, it's good to see this site has an active and thoughtful membership. When I posted it I was still dazed by a recent online snub by someone I courted for a little too long, as in someone else started dating her. I've since done an exhaustive survey of the options in my area for meeting people and have come up with a number of promising leads that I plan to explore in the coming month. Lights had asked how I managed to get a conversation going and a few drinks bought for me at a bar... Well first let me say that I'm in sales and thusly I've learned the hard way how to read and interact with people, add to that my recent studies of body language which I undertook to both help me in regards to work and with women. After having walked throught the club I sat at a booth near the door to watch people coming in, after a few long minutes I made eye contact with a women in her late 20's she and her friend sat in the booth in front of me. Since I was facing the dance floor I gazed that way but looked over my booth on occasion, twice I caught her bobbing her head up to look at me and made eye contact. After the second time I approached her and asked if she'd like to help me make a fool out of myself on the dance floor she. She passed, but not in a way that made me feel she was rejecting me, so I asked if I could join her. Her friend who was away came back and ended up being the one buying me the drinks. I made sure to keep the conversation flowing using what I call "hooks", latch onto any little thing about them or what they say and which genuinely interests you and use it to persue a conversation. Furthermore, I made sure to pay equal attention to both of them. Sadly I'm not much of a drinker so the alcohol started to impinge on my charisma. Still, a needed boost to the ego.
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