Brett Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Hey everyone, my name is Brett and I come here for this post specifically. Ok, I am 19 and my girlfriend that just broke up with me is 18 about to be 19 in February. I am going to try to give you the whole story so I can get some great answers on what to do. I work at a fast food restaurant and that's where I met my girlfriend, she works there too. We actually got the job at the same time and sat down to watch the training movies at the same time too. She is my first girlfriend and she has had a few in the past. Her first was a lot older than her because she was a freshman and he was a senior. They dated for a year and that was her longest besides us surpassing them. He kinda made her do stuff she didn't want to do and she said she loved him but told me she didn't actually mean it because she was so young. I believe her. We hooked up after continual dates and I was in the ride of a lifetime. I love her so much, we dated for a year and five months and on the fourth it would be a year and six months. You have no idea how much we were/are in love. She said I am/was Mr.Perfect and you wouldn't believe all the emails when sent to each other and decided just a few months in that we wanted to go long term. We always talked about marrying and having kids and I honestly meant it. Then I went off to college in August and she is here in Memphis. We promised each other the whole time we dated that we would never break up with each other and everyone told us that we were the cutest couple they have ever seen. She is beautiful and trustworthy and everything. I always kind of had problems with the trust issue though. She makes friends better with guys than girls and I guess I love her so much that it just worried me to lose her, even though we always said we wouldn't. We were so happy. I started questioning things over the year and five months and I would get worried and she would always tell me I need to learn to start trusting her. I guess I was always the pessimistic one and she never was. Then as I was gone we promised we would be able to do the long distance thing. The great thing about those is you have to have trust and communication. I knew I wasn't the best at the first one but the second one was a cinch, right? Wrong. I started maybe questioning whether we should stay together in my own head because we are different religions and I was away. I didn't talk to her for like almost a week and whenever she would call I would just push the end call button and everything was on my mind. I just didn't want to explode on her. Then all of a sudden before I came home from break she started actually saying maybe we should. I was in shock, I never meant it on my part once I realized it and I can't believe she would actually say it. She said she would still want to be friends, but you don't understand how huge this is. We promised we would make it long term. So I get back here hoping to change her mind but she was set in her ways. She cried when I picked her up that night and she said, "I can't do it" and was in tears. She said she is tired of the emotional roller coaster and she can't marry a man that won't fully trust her. She said also sometimes she felt like she had to pick between me and her friends and also the religion aspect started playing in her head which never would. I have tried saying everything and it's been about two weeks now since it. I realized I have made it worse by keep calling her and such and she has said it just makes her more angry to talk about it but she said if I make a complete turn around things might work in the future. You just don't understand how shocked everyone was to here it. They saw how nice we were to one another and how much we love each other. Then there is this guy at work who she said she used to like before we started dating. It always scared me a little, and then she got a little closer towards him as friends as I was away. Then I come to find out when I get home from her texts that he was calling her sweetie and saying good night after she broke up with me. I asked her about it and she said he was just playing. Still keep in mind after breaking up she says she still loves me, and kisses me in private but wont say for how long it might last. Well it was hard but I said I trust her in this issue because I knew this was a stepping stone. She said thanks then days later I saw more texts from that guy and he said he loves her and when he thinks of the perfect wife it's her. I was furious and I showed her and of course she was mad at me for looking into her phone. I thought I would lose her for good. I talked to him and he said he was so sorry and now he promises to never text her or phone her unless she does it to him. When he said he loves her she only replied back saying, "We can just be friends because I am in love with Brett." That night she was so angry with me, and said I am now on the same level as a friend as that guy and she couldn't even see us dating. I think she was just angry. That was about a week or more ago. Whenever we talk it's not the same because I always want to bring up the relationship and fight for her back. I don't want to lose her and I promised her and myself I will never stop fighting for her and date anyone else because we once said there is only one person in life for everyone. Now she says she doesn't know about that or if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. It hurts so bad because she would never say things like this before. She doesn't call as much and she says it's just because she is thinking and she needs space. She says in her mind she is just thinking about our future and by calling five times a day it just makes it worse. But I feel like if I stop calling her and talking to her I am going to lose her even more and she will forget everything like it did with other boyfriends. I love her so very much, you have no idea. I want her back. I told her I would give her time and stop calling her until she calls me. I did it for a few days while I was gone on vacation and then we talked again and now I am doing it since Wednesday. She has not called or anything and I am so worried. What do I do to get her back, please tell me. I want her back! I know she still has those feelings deep inside for me. I know she has too, that's why I don't want to give up. But what do I do so I don't lose her for good? Sorry it was so long. My hands hurt
notmakingsense Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Brett -- you are just going to have to chill out and show her through your actions that you can back off and give her space. You can't control her feelings or actions, only yours. Continue with the approach of letting her be the only one that does the calling/reaching-out. Your backing off will speak much more loudly to her than your calling and talking about the relationship. When she does call again, please don't bring up the relationship. Just be light and funny -- remind her of the person she originally fell in love with. Then, when she isn't calling, give her the time to miss you. In the mean-time, working on your own self-esteem wouldn't be a bad thing. Spend time making friends and doing things on your own. You will be reminded that you are a great guy who lots of women are interested in. Lack of trust and insecurity usually means there is an underlying fear that you wouldn't do as well as her -- which isn't true.
westernxer Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Stop smothering her. All those promises about never breaking up shows that talk is cheap. The two of you seem very innocent to be talking like this. You have to let her go, as hard as it may be. First one is always the hardest.
Author Brett Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 I know this is so bad of me but something told me to check her phone today. I looked at it and she had deleted all her text messages. I saw that she called that guy at 11:30 this morning, and I went up to him and asked him about it. He said that she texted him last night but we kept it brief. He said she said how are you doing. I am just worried she has feelings for him. Another thing, when she came into work I had to be the first one to tell her "I love her". Then as I was leaving she wanted a hug and I gave it to her and she never told me she loves me. I had to say it.
notmakingsense Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 It isn't much of a surprise that she is interested in other people. You need to let her go now. Let her figure out if it is you she wants to be with or if it is going to be another man. To you, for now, she is gone. Start acting that way. It is the only chance you have to heal. Shey may come back to you on her own, or she may not -- you just have to stop thinking about it. Focus on yourself now, friends, family, hobbies, school, and when you are ready... dating.
Author Brett Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 Do you all believe that true love conquers all? And that if it is God's will no matter what we would get back together even if she dated someone else? Do you believe if it's God's will it will happen no matter what happens between me and her? And no matter if I leave for college and if she is here? Even if I accidentally smother her and even if some guy confesses his love for her like he did and she used to like him? I guess I am just real worried with that other guy and she is texting him saying how are you and stuff like that. Should I just stop worrying because whatever God's will is, it will be done and it could be that maybe she doesn't love him even though she used to like him. Should I just stop worrying because if they do get together, she could still realize I am the one for her? I just want to know if it is God's will and whether his will, will be done. I just don't know why God would make this even harder on me by bringing another guy into play with this breakup and he admits to loving her. That makes it 10X harder and I just understand.
westernxer Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Do you all believe that true love conquers all? And that if it is God's will no matter what we would get back together even if she dated someone else? Do you believe if it's God's will it will happen no matter what happens between me and her? And no matter if I leave for college and if she is here? Even if I accidentally smother her and even if some guy confesses his love for her like he did and she used to like him? Falling in love makes us vulnerable. Even the faithful get their hearts broken.
Author Brett Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 No to every question. Even the faithful get their hearts broken. You must not be a Christian then because I thought all Christians believe that. If that's the case then that means I have to fight for her with this other guy right? And not let him win her over if it's not true that God's will will be done.
westernxer Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 You must not be a Christian then because I thought all Christians believe that. If that's the case then that means I have to fight for her with this other guy right? And not let him win her over if it's not true that God's will will be done. It has nothing to do with being Christian, but good luck to you. Maybe you'll win her heart, but if you don't, don't blame it on God. It's called growing pains, buddy.
Author Brett Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 So you suggest I just back at out of this and let her heart decide even though this guy is in love with her and she is texting him still and such? She used to like him before we were dating.
westernxer Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 And she never stopped liking him even when she dated you. You need to move on... she probably digs all this attention. Your changing course will probably rock her world a bit. In the process, you may even find someone better.
notmakingsense Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 I do believe in fate to an extent, and yes, if it is god's intent to bring you together in the future, it will happen. God also helps those who help themselves. In this case, you have done enough for her, and it is now time for you to focus on yourself. Believing in God's designs may be enough for you to feel better, but I would also follow the recommendations from people on this board for moving on.
Author Brett Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 But I don't want to give up. I truly believe in my heart she is the one for me and God wants us to stay together. It would be so much easier to give her time to think if I didn't have this other guy that she works with saying he loves her. When he said that she replied back saying we can only be friends because I am in love with Brett. Now she is questioning how long she will love me for, which just means that she might just want to be with him. I don't understand it...
notmakingsense Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 "If you really love her, let her go" Have you ever heard that quote before? It applies here. She just isn't ready to settle down yet. You can't control this situation. Only she can control what she does, and you need to give her the chance to live her own life. You sound like you are going to have to learn this the hard way. That is too bad. Post back here and let us know how it goes.
westernxer Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 By the way, her behavior is common for 19-year-olds, at least in this country.
Author Brett Posted January 2, 2007 Author Posted January 2, 2007 By the way, her behavior is common for 19-year-olds, at least in this country. How so? What behavior?
In Liquid Wonder Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Brett, if there was ever something to trust in, go for faith. It seems to be a strong support for you, so lean on it. I believe that God's will is ALWAYS done. It might mean that she doesn't return to you, though. It also might mean that her leaving allows for a better person to come your way, or even better than that, for YOU to learn something about yourself that wouldn't've come to if the relationship had continued. You mentioned trust issues. Be honest with yourself: do you think it would've worked out much longer than it did, if you have difficulty trusting the one you love? You're going to college, right? I assume it's a four-year deal. That's a long time to stress a capacity that's not your forte. Stop worrying about God's plan: he's got it covered more than any of us could possibly understand. Worry about YOUR PLAN: get away from her and being constantly reminded of her. Get a new job, go out and do different things, and keep talking to people. It'll be hard, but you really need to take care of yourself.
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