vanButterfly Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Every time we had an issue (I am 29, he is 31), I would walk away. Him fighting to: - keep in touch with exes - choosing friends over me - not inviting me out with his friends - lying - getting drunk and refuses to give up drinking. Then I would have affection issues and talk to other males about it so I could get affection to fulfil me. My issue I am trying to stop. We had all these issues and I left him every single time something like this came up. I was weak. He either contacted me or I contacted him and we got back together. So now we are at 1.5 years and broke up again. Now he puts me moslty first. He chooses me over his friends, sees me as important, doesnt lie, only gets drunk once a month and spends more time fixing his house than at the pub. Things have changed but we are arguing over one thing. - He refuses to give up getting drunk (I am happy if he has alcohol, but not 10 in a night). It came up to: He wants 10 drinks a night if he goes out, I was happy to agree to 5. We used these numbers because we both agree he cant tell when he is drunk. We are not budging. SO we broke up. I feel it's all hopeless. Now we spoke on the phone and I asked him to tell me that HE didnt want to to contact him. He said he didnt want this and he wanted to move FORWARD - not MOVE ON. He is reading these self help books trying to fix his issues and drinking issues. He wont rule out that we will be together in the future. He wants to fix his issues. I am trying to move on and I am so attached to him. If i think there is any hope in anything, I hang on. I dont want this anymore. I feel like he is choosing drink over me. He feels like I am demanding and telling him what to do in terms of drink. We can't win. We both think we love each other and care about each other. I care for him deeply. Looking back, I can see that I care and love for him more. I went to his house on xmas day (even us not being together) because he wasnt coping and was hosting his familiy christmas dinner. I helped him with the cooking, hosting and cleaning because I love him and wanted it all to work. I left that night. We both say we love each other, and we both dont know what to do. How is this possible???? I cant accept him getting drunk like he does, but I feel that I do love him... why cant I just accept him? He wants to keep in touch and I can't do it. It hurts. I know he is scared to lose me forever. He tells me he wont ever find anyone like me and noone cared for him like I did. He finds it impossible to leave me. It's all crap. I feel like there is no hope. All I can think to do is move on. I hate it, and it is so uncomfortable, but what can I do. Deep down I want it to work, but I think I have done all I can. I just cant accept him drinking. He has lied to me when he was been drunk. I cant accept it. I just feel sad and at a loss.
Guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 It sounds like he has given up alot of his "ways" for you. 10 drinks in one night, once a month, I don't see as a problem. You said he doesn't know that he is drunk. Does he "seem" drunk or are you just basing this on the fact that he's had 10 drinks? I'm not a large person, 130 lbs, and I can have 10 drinks and feel not drunk, just tipsy but other times I can have 3 drinks and feel loaded. If he's with people who care enough not to let him drive, and if he is smart enough to make arrangements for a ride home ahead of time, and if he isn't unruly when he drinks, then I don't see a big issue, but maybe that's just me. Good luck! I know lots of people who have opposing views on drinking, I live in a dry town, so I am used to the attitude, but really, he sounds pretty normal to me in the social drinker category.
amaysngrace Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I'm sorry you're so sad. I know what it's like to be with an alcoholic. It's quite a challenge. You have to accept this about them or say goodbye to them. I chose to stay. I realize I come second to his addiction. I cannot make him change. Only he can do that. I know that I will have times when I will need him and he won't come through for me because of his addiction, but it's only in those times because when he's sober he'll turn the world upside-down for me if I asked him to. He would never be mean to me, drunk or sober. And I would never hold his weakness against him. I decided that when I chose to stay. I know I have needs that I may have to fill for myself because he isn't able to sometimes. But that's okay. I should count on myself for some things too and not rely on someone else all the time anyway. I chose to stay because this is the one bad thing about the man that I love. And nobody's perfect.
Author vanButterfly Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 How did you get to that point? I am having trouble accepting it. I wish I could but I'm not coping. ANything bad can happen when he drinks and I got nervous when he used to go out. Didnt know when he would get home, he couldnt tell me either.
amaysngrace Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 How did you get to that point? I am having trouble accepting it. I wish I could but I'm not coping. ANything bad can happen when he drinks and I got nervous when he used to go out. Didnt know when he would get home, he couldnt tell me either. I guess I just trust him. I weighed it out a lot in the beginning because I didn't know if I could handle it but then I decided to just let him be who he is. He hates that he drinks more than I ever could and I actually feel sorry for him that he's like that. But if it comes to him making me feel bad because of it I'm gone and he knows this too. It's a real delicate line actually. And it's one that came with a whole lot of consideration for me to decide if I would be okay with it, which I am. But not everyone's the same. If he makes you feel more bad than good and alcohol is a factor, you have to do what's in your own best interest.
Author vanButterfly Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 He tried to change the drinking issue, but he has finally said that that is who he is and what he likes to do. He doesnt like that it affects us either. He gets stressed a lot with work and his own tasks and drink helps. He goes to the gym now to work a lot of the stress off, but the other times he drinks. I can't ever know if he does anything bad when he is out drinking. He wouldnt tell me. He would never even admit he was out drinking or getting drunk. I can't ever know. From past experiences with him I can't trust him. I never had to deal with this issue before so I am really struggling. In general I think he makes me feel good. We have other issues that I dont even know anymore if they are important or not. I know everyone has issues, but I feel like I am stuck to some romantic ideal situation. The only other issues we have are: - He works a lot and it's important to him and I feel like I come second. We both have very high paying jobs but I put us first. He puts his house and job first. - He doesnt automatically think of me when his family asks him to come over to dinner at their home (we dont live together). To me it's natural to go with your partner - He doesnt naturally ask me to go out with his friends. He calls it his time. This is fine if I trusted him with drinking, but I dont. - I have been sick for 2 days (in the past) and he refused to come to me to keep me company because he didnt want to catch what I had because he wanted to be healthy to work. I just wanted company because I've been home for 2 days - even to talk on the phone would have kept me happy but he didnt want that either. I dont understand why. I would do anything for him if he is sick or needs me. To me this is what you do if you care and love someone. I feel like I am an idiot to care for someone like that. I dont know anymore if these are solvable. I feel like I MUST let go and give up. BUt I am scared that I am living with some romantic ideas. I dont have any problems finding someone else...even someone that suits me better, I just dont like to give up on what I have and like to work on what I have. I dont want to jump around from relationship to relationship. Basically I care and love this man very much. I just dont want to be at home with kids while he is out in the pub getting drunk because he cant handle some stress. I dont even know if he is an alcoholic. - He likes to drink something every day (wine, port, scotch and coke - sometimes all 3 in the night) - He wont get drunk when I am around, only when I am not. He said he feels he has to be responsible around me - He thinks 10 drinks a night is acceptable if he goes out - He admits he cant know when to stop or knows when he is drunk He doesnt drink every night..just most I think. Is this an alcoholic? I dont know. I know it can be worse.
amaysngrace Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I dont even know if he is an alcoholic. - He likes to drink something every day (wine, port, scotch and coke - sometimes all 3 in the night) - He wont get drunk when I am around, only when I am not. He said he feels he has to be responsible around me - He thinks 10 drinks a night is acceptable if he goes out - He admits he cant know when to stop or knows when he is drunk He doesnt drink every night..just most I think. Is this an alcoholic? I dont know. I know it can be worse. He sounds like one to me, but I'm not an expert. Mostly the lying and denying it sound like major signs to me. Or downplaying it or whatever you want to call it. How is he when he does drink? Does he ever get mean to you? If he does I'd let him go. Not for nagging him though, of course he's going to get mad at you if you tell him he's less than what you want him to be. That's insulting. I would make a decision if I were you. Accept him -ALL of him- or move on. But you have to know that if you nag him for drinking it's going to provoke him to get pissy with you. You can't make him change no matter how hard you try.
Author vanButterfly Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 He is never mean to me when he drinks. He is just a happy person. You can't have a conversation with him though and he gets confused - the impact of alcohol. What I worry about is what he _does_ when he drinks (too affectionate with females and friends, etc..). If him and I spend time together the day after he goes out, I like to have him 'all there'. Accepting him drinking means accepting that he is not all there the day after. It really comes down to me accepting him. What a crappy situation.
Author vanButterfly Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 Does he "seem" drunk or are you just basing this on the fact that he's had 10 drinks? I only know that he is drunk because I see him in that state - however. Come across it accidentally (he passed out on the phone with me half way through a conversation and I was worried sick - so I went to his house and he had been out drinking with a friend. He had lied and said he was alone at a beach thinking). Can't have a conversation with him either. And he can't stand up straight still. So.. he is drunk. He is a large person too. He never drives when he is drunk which is a good thing. He is careful about that.
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