sadbuttrue Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 my friends keep telling me that i should date other men to try to find a good single man. they of course do not like my MM situation and want me to end it and move on with my life. they believe i am putting my life on hold for him. they do not understand that i love MM and am not comfortable dating someone else while i am seeing him. i know that he is cheating on his wife, and i am dealing with "sharing" him, but i do not feel that i could cheat on him with someone else. he told me in the beginning, before all the feelings got involved that my life was my own. i know now that he would not want me to see anyone else. i did go out once, early on in my relationship with MM at my friends' urging. there was nothing wrong with the single guy, but my heart was not in it. i could only think that i would rather be with MM. i know that this R with MM pretty much closes all doors to any other R with a SG, but my friends just dont understand that i want to be with MM regardless of the fact that he will not be only mine. have any of the OW felt this pressure to find someone "acceptable?"
GreenEyedLady Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 SBT: You must do whatever your heart feels...my personal choice is that I love him and give myself only to him... In the beginning of our R, we were only dating and I did date a couple other guys, as we were not exclusive...but I did not have a connection (or attraction) like the one I have with my lover, so it only lasted at most 2 dates (nothing serious at all)... Now he is the only one, and has been for sometime...I wouldn't put our R at risk because I see a future with him and I love him and I want to be with HIM...it is only hope right now, but I would not throw it away... It is your choice...what do you want for your future? Listen to yourself and how you feel...it won't be good for you if you're going to feel conflicted or guilty about it...and if it's something that you think you would like to do, then by all means, go ahead, you really owe him nothing...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 P.S. You might find someone you really like...
Guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 my 2 cents i believe that it is important to not judge, expect, or believe that people should advice others about what they should do - all that does is state your opinion, it has no association with who they are as a person. i have seem so many examples of this recently - where people have 'helped' me because they 'know what is right'. and in each case it has just made life harder - so the friends that i have now do not offer advice in that way - they listen and support me in ways that actually help. a good friend of mine, he stood by me while i went crazy, i would come over to his home with the most insane stories with eyes of belief. and when i returned to reality i went to his home and told him, yup, i was delusional, and we laughed and had a few beers and then jammed and wrote songs. thats what friends do. i used to have friends but what they did was make a bad situation become a matter of survivial of life - and because i made it, i can truly say, i faced death and picked life and that is the reason i can do what i do today. SMILES
frannie Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I have 'dated' other people, but nothing at all serious, nothing physical and I haven't really been interested in anyone else since well before I met MM. I don't know about anyone else involved in affairs, but I certainly wouldn't have got involved with someone married had it NOT been very special and someone I thought was worth all the effort. If it was so easy to just find someone single who matched up to what I wanted so well I'd have done it years ago. If I wasn't with MM I'd more likely be alone than with 'a single guy' just for the sake of it. I find relationships quite an effort most of the time, and prefer to be alone than have something second-best just for the sake of being a couple.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 You don't have to date anybody right now, if you DO get the strength to end it with the MM, be alone for a while. It makes no sense to date others while you're still into the MM. I do agree with your friends and family though, you're wasting your life, your time and energy on a married man who isn't planning on leaving his wife. Sounds like you don't mind being the OW...You'd rather be his OW than end it and eventually find a man who you won't have to share.
noforgiveness Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I wonder though if you did start dating others if MM would feel threatened and it may tip his hand sooner. If he loves you then he doesn't want to chance losing you to a single guy. Jealousy is a huge motivator. I hate game playing though.
frannie Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I wonder though if you did start dating others if MM would feel threatened and it may tip his hand sooner. If he loves you then he doesn't want to chance losing you to a single guy. Jealousy is a huge motivator. I hate game playing though. I think you're right that it would be 'gameplaying'. And it's like the NC argument: if he's going to cave in and change his life because 'he's scared of losing you' then you have someone there who you might not want to be involved with at the end of the day. Leaving marriages should be for the right reasons. I think that OW sometimes get to thinking this: if he loves me, he'll be scared of losing me! So he will have to leave! That's certainly how I felt at one time! It goes along with the romantic notion that 'if he loves you he'll move heaven and Earth to be with you'... well that's all that is... a romantic notion. Loving someone else might be a good reason to reassess what you have, but there has to be a whole lot more going on and a lot more reason to end a marriage than simply falling in love with someone else... oops I think I got off the point a little there. Sorry for the t/j
Author sadbuttrue Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 SBT: You must do whatever your heart feels...my personal choice is that I love him and give myself only to him... In the beginning of our R, we were only dating and I did date a couple other guys, as we were not exclusive...but I did not have a connection (or attraction) like the one I have with my lover, so it only lasted at most 2 dates (nothing serious at all)... Now he is the only one, and has been for sometime...I wouldn't put our R at risk because I see a future with him and I love him and I want to be with HIM...it is only hope right now, but I would not throw it away... It is your choice...what do you want for your future? Listen to yourself and how you feel...it won't be good for you if you're going to feel conflicted or guilty about it...and if it's something that you think you would like to do, then by all means, go ahead, you really owe him nothing... gel, this is how i feel, there is too much feeling between me and MM for me to be able to date anyone else. i was just wondering if other OW faced this issue because of other people not understanding the relationship with MM. my friends do not understand how i could love him when he is still with his wife. i know they just want what they think is best for me, and to them that would be somewhere far away from MM.
Author sadbuttrue Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 I wonder though if you did start dating others if MM would feel threatened and it may tip his hand sooner. If he loves you then he doesn't want to chance losing you to a single guy. Jealousy is a huge motivator. I hate game playing though. nf, i am not much of a game player myself. i have mentioned to him before that i had been asked out by someone else, and i could see the hurt in his eyes when he told me that i deserved to be with someone who could be there for me. i know it would hurt him if i did "cheat" on him and i cant do that. i think he would think less of me if i did see someone else because he knows that i love him and want to be with him.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 gel, this is how i feel, there is too much feeling between me and MM for me to be able to date anyone else. i was just wondering if other OW faced this issue because of other people not understanding the relationship with MM. my friends do not understand how i could love him when he is still with his wife. i know they just want what they think is best for me, and to them that would be somewhere far away from MM. I don't know if you know anything about my story, but I did not know that he was married in the beginning...so when we were not serious and I was dating others, I didn't realize he was married...don't know if this matters or not...just do what is best for you...
justagirliegirl Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Yeah your friends and family are probably right as this guy isn't going to leave his wife for you so you are pretty much wasting years on someone who will never be yours and is one sided. He can and would cheat on you. I also think that by dating others you may meet someone truly available that you like much better or it may make the mm tip his hand and leave the wife sooner. Sometimes love isn't enough.
ratingsguy Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 SBT and GEL, I really admire both of you in a way. You've both demonstrated that you sincerely love your MM and there's something to be said for that. We know that being the OW or OM is wrong... we don't need that lecture, but the fact that you've tried to move on by dating another SB, and you found out that your heart wasn't into it speaks volumes. It's tough hoping that one day your MM will leave his W, but you hold on to that hope. It's a tough battle with the odds heavily against you, your family and friends warn you against it, but you forge ahead. That's what I find admirable. You never know what could end up happening. I mean, I was in your situation, and my MW is now separated as has her own place a few days a week. Our R is evolving and and starting to grow in a way that wasn't possible while she was married and living with her H. It will grow into something that will be legitimate... where finally everyone can know... no more secrets, no more hiding. I'm here to tell you to look out for your own interests above all else, but know that anything is possible!
torranceshipman Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I think you should date other guys, but only to take your mind off your MM, e.g. if there is a great film or great reastaurant you want to go to, get a nice date to take you...it'll be a lovely night, but it doesn't have to serve any further purpose than that....you don't need to take it any further or even see them again. Plus these MM situations are so serious, intense and miserable/lonely a lot of the time - getting dolled up, spoilt for the evening, and having a few drinks with good company...do it, I say! Me and my MM (ok he's not married but does have a girlfriend) decided for a while that I'd be exclusive, but I'm extrmely passionate, and having NOTHING to do with my time but think about him (and his girlfriend) drove me NUTS, so in the end we decided to stop that plan...now, even though he hates it, I date if I want to, though he knows I'm not into casual physical stuff so it's not like I'm doing that much...but still, he hates it - but what can he do? - until he leaves his girlfriend he can't have me exclusively...I've told him I can't lie to him so I tell him when I go on dates, which is a bit strange, but then again we've been friends for YEARS which I think kind of gets us through all the hard times. Plus - girls, remember, these MM's seem to be incapable of any real action...so I think you could literally date another guy every night of the week, and they still wouldnt stop what they had with you. Same as they're being crap at leaving the wife...strange, and I dont understand any of it!!
Author sadbuttrue Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 SBT and GEL, I really admire both of you in a way. You've both demonstrated that you sincerely love your MM and there's something to be said for that. We know that being the OW or OM is wrong... we don't need that lecture, but the fact that you've tried to move on by dating another SB, and you found out that your heart wasn't into it speaks volumes. It's tough hoping that one day your MM will leave his W, but you hold on to that hope. It's a tough battle with the odds heavily against you, your family and friends warn you against it, but you forge ahead. That's what I find admirable. You never know what could end up happening. I mean, I was in your situation, and my MW is now separated as has her own place a few days a week. Our R is evolving and and starting to grow in a way that wasn't possible while she was married and living with her H. It will grow into something that will be legitimate... where finally everyone can know... no more secrets, no more hiding. I'm here to tell you to look out for your own interests above all else, but know that anything is possible! rg, thank you so much for understanding. i am glad things are going well for you, maybe one day my situation will look better
mustbcrazy Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 This is my first post, but I have been reading this forum for several months (since my R with my MM began), and you all have been so helpful! It is so funny that I found this thread tonight, as I was just called and asked out by a SG for New Year's. Like those of you who said you had gone out with other people, my heart is really not in it, but I am going to go. I think it will be good for me. Since the start of my R, my MM told me that he did not feel like he could stand in the way of my dating someone else but that "it would bother him." Part of me really wants it to bother him. I know this is gameplaying to some extent, but I am just being honest with you all about how I feel. Do most of your MM tell you the same thing (ie, that they don't want you to not date someone else because of them)? How do they react when you do go out with someone? My R is still pretty new (about 4 months) so I really value everyone's opinions/advice.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Well, we had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the beginning...we weren't serious and I felt like if he's not ready for more, then I'll go see what I can find...and while I found plenty of dates, I couldn't find anyone who compared... But yes, he hated the thought of me being with someone else, it drove him nuts, he would always know when I had a date (psychic?)...so we finally became exclusive (I say that with tongue in cheek because I didn't know he was married)... And like I said earlier, I don't date anyone else anymore, because I just want to be with HIM... If you don't like the term gameplaying, consider it "strategy"...believe me, he has his... I've been in my R for awhile...you might actually find someone that you like just as much or more...Good luck, and welcome to the forum...
Author sadbuttrue Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 This is my first post, but I have been reading this forum for several months (since my R with my MM began), and you all have been so helpful! It is so funny that I found this thread tonight, as I was just called and asked out by a SG for New Year's. Like those of you who said you had gone out with other people, my heart is really not in it, but I am going to go. I think it will be good for me. Since the start of my R, my MM told me that he did not feel like he could stand in the way of my dating someone else but that "it would bother him." Part of me really wants it to bother him. I know this is gameplaying to some extent, but I am just being honest with you all about how I feel. Do most of your MM tell you the same thing (ie, that they don't want you to not date someone else because of them)? How do they react when you do go out with someone? My R is still pretty new (about 4 months) so I really value everyone's opinions/advice. mbc, i think it is a good idea to try and go out with someone new. i hope you will be able to MM out of your mind and have a good time. If he really cares about you, it will probably really bother him that you are going out with someone else. like i said before, i tried it and could not do it. i felt like i was betraying MM. yes,yes, i know MM goes home every night to his W, but that is on his conscience. i myself can not do that to someone that i love. MM changed his mind about me having my own life when he decided he did care for me and could not bear the thought of me with anyone else. he continues to tell me that i deserve more, someone unattached, but all i want is him, so on we go
stillhere Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Plus - girls, remember, these MM's seem to be incapable of any real action...so I think you could literally date another guy every night of the week, and they still wouldnt stop what they had with you. Same as they're being crap at leaving the wife...strange, and I dont understand any of it!! I am more than faithful to my MM. I know for a fact that if i started dating someone else, it would be over between us, no doubt in my mind. But that will never be a problem, because i have eyes for my MM only. Our relationship is different than some A's. There are a few other women on here i can relate to, but i know with all my heart and soul that my MM loves me. He not only tells me, he shows me. My MM is not a serial cheater, like i've seen some post. I will never worry that there is another OW. I don't even worry about his W all that much. I know where he stands with her as far as feelings. We had a long talk a few weeks ago, and i voiced my disapproval about a few things. Believe it or not, he has taken some serious steps in correcting what i had a problem with and going above and beyond what i expected from him. My hope is that some day we will be together. Things are starting to point in that direction. His fear of losing me is becoming more and more real, and i don't think he's willing to lose me for good. Only time will tell.
cbl Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 my take on this is that being a single person you are entitled to date other people before you find the right one to give your commitment. dating a MM should complicate his situation/decision and not yours.
stillhere Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 my take on this is that being a single person you are entitled to date other people before you find the right one to give your commitment. dating a MM should complicate his situation/decision and not yours. If this were a perfect world, i'd agree 100%. I know i'm entitled to date other people, but i don't want to. When love is added to the equation, it complicates things for everyone involved. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't be faithful to him, i probably wouldn't be with him at all, and i would be out looking for someone else.
cbl Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 If this were a perfect world, i'd agree 100%. I know i'm entitled to date other people, but i don't want to. When love is added to the equation, it complicates things for everyone involved. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't be faithful to him, i probably wouldn't be with him at all, and i would be out looking for someone else. i agree. but there are not contradictions here. apparently you love him enough to give him your commitment. i just haven't loved my MM enough to commit to him... yet. single guys could have issues too. drug/alcohol abuse, womanizing, violence issues... just to name a few extremes. the issue with a MM is his availability and everything that comes with his marriage. you do have the right to say no, before you walk into it and be there for him with his complications. but remember no one outside the marraige can fix the problems in his marriage, or tell him to leave the marriage unless he himself wants to.
frannie Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Do most of your MM tell you the same thing (ie, that they don't want you to not date someone else because of them)? How do they react when you do go out with someone? My R is still pretty new (about 4 months) so I really value everyone's opinions/advice. I think he'd be pretty surprised at this stage if I dated someone else, and really, it wouldn't happen now. I've not referred to them as 'dates' exactly... and since they were platonic I don't really know how to refer to them! As far as him telling me he didn't like it, or wouldn't like me to get together with someone else: no, he's always kept a lid on any jealous feelings, although I can tell he is. But that's his problem, isn't it..? He's hardly in a place to tell me to put my life on hold for him and he never would. He's said to me that he would be happy for me if I found someone single I wanted to be with... I thought... oh... I don't think I could ever love someone so much and let them go, so that was pretty upsetting, ironically! On the other hand, I told him recently that when this 'separation' conversation comes up with his W and she wants to work on it and can convince him that would work and he wants to... that I'll be happy for him if that's what he choses. I've no idea where that feeling came from, because it sounds so unlike me. In part, it feels like I don't want us to go through all this only for him to realise he's made a mistake and go back. And in part I'm terrified of it not working between us... I don't want him to mess up his life and his marriage for something that fizzles out. I know it's not my responsibility, but it certainly feels like that some days. Got off the topic. Sorry.
frannie Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 If you don't like the term gameplaying, consider it "strategy"... ..........
lovernotafighter Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 I wonder though if you did start dating others if MM would feel threatened and it may tip his hand sooner. If he loves you then he doesn't want to chance losing you to a single guy. Jealousy is a huge motivator. I hate game playing though. you could have fooled me NF.. thats all I ever see you do? play with me...naked twister is in order!
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