SomethingSpecial Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 It's going on 6 months since my bf of 2.5 years decided not to give me a second chance after our semi-mutual breakup. I was heartbroken. Yesterday I found out the woman he was "interested in" after our breakup is in a relationship with someone else. Does it make me a bad person for secretly being happy that she wasn't interested in him? He put himself out there for her and he shot her down. Knowing this made me feel like I came out on top a little. I know this is crappy of me, so you don't have to tell me that I don't expect him to come back to me, but I just can't get the thought out of my mind that we could still be together if he would only let us try again. Nothing bad happened between us. We more or less grew apart over a 3-4 month period and then broke up. Now, hearing about this other woman in a new relationship has only intensified these feelings of longing for him. I irrationaly think that he will realise his mistake now and come running back. When do the thoughts of your ex someday returning to you fade away? I'm not asking for them to be totally gone, I just wish they weren't the main thought in my head 80% of the day.
Anastasia0309 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I don't know if that feeling ever completely goes away. I know... it's sucks so bad. But My question to you is how could you still want to be with him after you know he has wanted someone else? I'm going on the 4 months of our breakup and it's soooo hard. For some reason I'm finding myself wanting to hear that he was with someone else or see him with someone else just so I could really move on. That's all it would take. As God is my witness I would be OVER it. But he always says it's not about being with someone else it's about "You getting better". You being me. Whatever, don't know if I believe that. Back to you. How long was your relationship with his guy? The thought of him liking someone else really doesn't bother you? Cause that would just sicken me. Really. I would feel betrayed but I won't say I would stop loving him or missing him but I would be OVER the relationship. Do you see where I'm coming from?
CaliGuy Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 The way it works for many people is to forgive them. See, if you are bitter or angry at an ex it's like a string that ties you to them. Forgiving them cuts the strings and gives you a sense of closure. Remaining angry will only keep you down and attached to them as long as you hold on to the anger. It worked for me. I stopped being angry at my ex a long time ago. I'm not even jealous or bitter towards her fiance. We just weren't meant to be. The longer I held on to hope of getting her back the more I interfered with my ability to meet someone BETTER for me. Hold on that thought. Think about it. The longer you hold out hope for your ex, the longer you're going to wait to meet the RIGHT person for you. Hope that helps.
Author SomethingSpecial Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 I guess I can't fault him too much for being interested in this other woman because when things were going bad between us I found myself interested in a few other people as well. It's not like he's in love with her, it's just that he was interested in dating her. I still love him because I still hope he will change his mind. I agree with you though. I think if he would just start seeing someone new then it would feel more like the door was closed on us. As it is now I find myself wondering if he ever thinks about me or wants a second chance but thinks that I'm over it (I've done a really good job of making him think that I'm over him). I wish we could both just find new people that would make us happy so I can put these stupid thoughts out of my mind! Thanks for responding Anastasia. I hope things get better for you too!
D-Lish Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I think you'll find that most people posting here will have empathy when it comes to having difficulty letting go. It's been four months of no contact for me since the break up and I still love my ex b/f. Do you really want him back? Or are you just lonley? It's easy to pine for the familiar when you're alone. I suspect that if your break up was initially mutual that you both had reasons for wanting to part. Try and focus on your reasons for wanting to break up in the first place- it may help you to put a more realistic perspective on the split. Is it natural to feel satisfaction that he was shot down? Of course. Having those thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. I just try and live each day as if he's never coming back. That way, there's no disappointment, because I don't have expectations. Good luck! D
Anastasia0309 Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 For D-Lish.....I always read your posts and find that you have this amazing Strength. You said your going on 4 months of your breakup like me but if seems like your doing so much better in your healing then me. Keep it going!!! To somethingSpecial...... I really shouldn't say what I would do untill I'm in that situation but what I said in my first post is how I feel right now. You also said you have done a good job of having him think your over it....... How exactly is that? I'm thinking I don't have to deny my feeling of wanting my ex (Can't help the feeling) but I can make him think I'm getting over it I just don't know how,well expect NC..... Which I was on my 6th day and broke today for like the Billionth time. I think what D-Lish said about living your life everyday like he's not coming back is a Great idea but one that's hard to get through to your mind. Also to D-Lish does your ex have your phone # and do you know his? My problem is that I know his by heart and sometimes I can't help myself and just call him. I hate that. I wish I could have Tmobile block my phone from calling him. That would be really helpful but I know I have to have Self-Control and calling him really doesn't help anything but missing him. Sorry, for Taking over your post.
D-Lish Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 My ex has my number- and my-email, etc...and I know his off by heart. I only called him once since the break up, about a week afterward, asking him to come get his things and to get my key back. I have broken down and sent him a few e-mails, but he doesn't respond. I just got tired of reaching out and being rejected. I don't feel strong. The first two months were just awful. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... But I think that if you look objectively at your situation that you'll see you've made progress too. It may not always feel that way, but you have. The reason I am able to do the no contact is because I don't want to know what he is doing or who he is dating. I fear that if I call, a woman will answer or I'll find out something hurtful. That is what gives me the strength to stay away and not call. I have wanted to show up on his doorstep a million times, but I just don't give in to those urges. The best ally for healing is time. It gets easier with each passing day- even the relapses are shorter and less impactful after time.
Teacher's Pet Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I think you'll find that most people posting here will have empathy when it comes to having difficulty letting go. It's been four months of no contact for me since the break up and I still love my ex b/f. Do you really want him back? Or are you just lonley? It's easy to pine for the familiar when you're alone. I suspect that if your break up was initially mutual that you both had reasons for wanting to part. Try and focus on your reasons for wanting to break up in the first place- it may help you to put a more realistic perspective on the split. Is it natural to feel satisfaction that he was shot down? Of course. Having those thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. I just try and live each day as if he's never coming back. That way, there's no disappointment, because I don't have expectations. Good luck! D I must concur with my esteem colleague from the Great White North. I've been NC with my since June 25th (we broke up June 19th), and I've been VERY tempted to call/email/text her on many occasions, but like D-Lish, maybe I'm just better off not knowing what's going on with her. Of course I miss her, sometimes when I'm lying in bed alone... I REALLY miss having her next to me (on top, underneath, etc... lol), but at the same time, if she really wanted to be with me, she wouldn't have left me in the first place, or for that matter, she knows how to find me. Trust me, I'm not holding my breath (though according to her, that was one of my strong points) Just re-focus on yourself, and the pain will ease. It WILL take a long time, but it's easier when you fill your time with positive things (new friends, hobbies, self-improvement, etc...) Hang in there, you aren't alone! -tp cunning linguist.
Anastasia0309 Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 The best ally for healing is time. It gets easier with each passing day- even the relapses are shorter and less impactful after time. This is True...... Yesterday I broke NC after 6 days but I didn't beat myself up about it. I did cry but I didn't let myself get all down about it. You fall sometimes but you just need to get right back up and keep going. SomeoneSpecial, the way I'm looking at it now is..... I can't make him be with me and I would want to Make him do anything he doesn't want to do. For whatever reason we aren't meant to be right now. No telling of the future but right now it's not meant for us to be with them. It would be alot easier to accept that and learn to be happy with what we have now. Live in the moment! I know alot easier said then done. Like what Teacher's Pet said..... They know where to find us. If he starts missing you and wants you he Will find you and if not... He's the one missing out! Just let him come to you (also a whole lot easier said then done). Thanks D-Lish for the advice! Your right... I have made progess! Sometimes it just gets hard to focus on the good. I'm hanging in there. I look back on the last 4 months and wonder how I've gotten through these. I feel like I needed this in my life. I'm becoming stronger through this. Life is CRAZY and alot of the times hard as hell but you gotta love it!
D-Lish Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 4 months really isn't that long of a time. When I think back to where I was in those first couple weeks...I was an emotional disaster. Now I just have my bad days admist the good ones. I still get urges to e-mail or make contact, but I stop myself. Distract myself with other things so I don't reach out. I've also done a lot of venting in e-mails I have just written, but never sent. There's nothing more painful than losing someone you love. There are so many things I wish I could take back. On a daily basis I wish I could turn back the clock and handle things differently. But that line of thinking doesn't do me any good. It doesn't do any of us any good. One day at a time, one step at a time. Before we know it there will be someone exciting and new in our lives to worry about...lol. chins up! D
Author SomethingSpecial Posted December 31, 2006 Author Posted December 31, 2006 Thanks for your replies guys. I know I'm not alone, but sometimes it sure feels like it. Not contacting him has helped me a lot I think. I've even started to have less contact with a couple of my friends that are still very close to him. I found that they would mention him a lot and each time I had to hear what he was up to it would put me back a step. I don't know why they felt the need to mention him constantly and I asked them to stop, but they just kept on going. So, now I've been spending time with other friends and family. I hope it helps me to move on a bit not having to hear what he's up to constantly. D-lish, you suggested that I might just be lonely. I don't think this is the case. I has too many friends and quite a few guys to date, but I just can't get HIM out of my head sometimes. The hope that he will come back is like a dull ach inside me at all times I'm sure people looking at me would think I'm doing fine...but I am SO not fine. I know everyine else feels this way too, but I wish after 6 months that it would be better than this!
In Liquid Wonder Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 The longer you hold out hope for your ex, the longer you're going to wait to meet the RIGHT person for you. This is such great, great advice. I totally needed to hear that. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
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